Title: Dreams of Ice
Author: Marianya
Part: Chapter Seven
Rate: PG
Date develop: 18 February 2002
Date revised: 21 February 2002
Chapter Seven - Heartache
Two days later...
Michelle looked around her and noticed the fogginess that surrounded her. Gingerly she stepped forward and listened intently for anything that could give her a clue as to where she was. Looking around she recognized the shadow of her boyfriend, Thanh, standing in the midst. She waved for his attention but nothing came, she started sprinting towards him but he was unreachable.
The wind around her was blowing fully now as tears started to fall from her eyes, she felt alone. No one was here to comfort her tears, no one's arms did she belong. Feeling more and more depressed by the second as she ran blindly into the mists in moments she felt the cliff's end and took that final step forward as she fell further and further down into the depths of depression...
***** END DREAM *****
Michelle was sweating in her bed, her breathing became ragged as she struggled with consciousness. Timothy stood by Michelle's bedside the entire night, not wanting to miss any moment of her frail condition. The entire night he stood in the darkness of her hotel room with more questions in his head than he wished. Walking in on Alexei and Michelle's conversation proved to increase the pain in his heart more and more. He had concluded that Michelle probably had broken up with her boyfriend, and Alexei seeing her distress might be moving in.
Timothy for a short time was jealous, but then he realized that perhaps it was better this way. If he and Michelle were to be a couple not just on the ice, but off it as well, then he be concerned for her safety for the jumps, lift offs and such throughout the programs. At the same time, that was the only thing that he had even wanted, there was something remarkable about this young woman and it wasn't just because they were skating partners.
Timothy took a damp cloth from the basin close by the bed and dried Michelle's forehead. She had not wakened for two days. He thought that perhaps she had fallen in a coma or that he had lost her before he had a chance to tell her his feelings. He pushed the distressing thought away, he had already lost too many hours of sleep over this.
Alexei walked to Michelle's hotel room, he had skating slowly earlier that day, and skating would do Timothy some good. Alexei prayed that Michelle would awaken but it was in vain, almost as if she felt no will to wake up. Reaching her door he paused as he debated if he should try to convince Timothy to leave he vigil for a quick break.
Inside the room, Timothy had walked to the windowsill, silently he said a prayer of courage and looked over the Michelle's sleeping figure. "Michelle, I may have the best timing when it comes to hitting quadruples, but I know I have the worst timing when it counts the most. I don't care if you don't want to tell me what's wrong, but I'm willing to help you if you would let me.
"I guess what I'm trying to say Michelle, is that I love you. *chuckles slightly* I know it sounds impossible, and I wouldn't be saying it if it were not true... But somewhere along the lines since our meeting for the first time, there were feelings inside that just stirred. They gave me the emotion to help me move artistically and helped me to become more emotional with my life."
Timothy held Michelle's near lifeless hand within his own, "Michelle I love you, please, I beg of you, don't leave me alone..." Timothy took the pale hand to his lips and softly kissed the back of her hand.
A soft knock was heard on the door, gently releasing Michelle's hand he walked slowly to the door. The light greeted his tired eyes as he tried in vain to block the onslaught of light. "Alexei what are you doing here?"
The Russian smiled, "I just came from the rink, I thought maybe you'd like a break." Alexei took a closer look at Timothy, "you are tiring yourself, take a rest and a little of exercise, I could watch her from here if you would like."
Timothy though through the possibilities, he knew he needed a rest, but he wanted to be there when Michelle wakes up, but then perhaps a turn on the ice would do him some good as well. Nodding, "Let me just go to wash my face up and hair up and I'll head downstairs for a short skate."
Quickly the American headed towards the room's restroom as Alexei walked over to Michelle, silently he spoke a prayer to give her strength and then he spoke quietly. "Michelle you need to get out of this, there are people that care about you more than you know. Don't live in the past but think of your future. You have the Olympics to think about as well as a skating future for yourself and Timothy..." Alexei struggled with his voice, "... and Michelle, he loves you... he sincerely loves you..."
Michelle saw the darkness recede as she heard voices in her head, a proclamation of love and someone telling her that someone else loves her... She opened her eyes slowly, she looked around and noticed Alexei Yagudin crouched over her bed with his hands covering his face.
"Alexei..." she whispered. She knew who it was that loved her, because she knew that deep inside he was her strength through it all.
Alexei turned his head disbelieving the whisper that he heard, but seeing Michelle awake on that bed, smiling at him gave him much more joy than he thought possible.
"I -- I love you..." Michelle whispered, Alexei nodded as he hugged Michelle, not hearing her first words.
All the while Timothy was standing in the bathroom doorway, believing that Michelle thought that it was Alexei that loved her, and not him.
Michelle decided to head home for a few days of regeneration, her family knew of her break up with her boyfriend of two years. They tried to support her the best they could, unfortunately this was not enough, because Michelle knew that Thanh was highly acclaimed between the two families.
But that was all in the past, or that was what she was trying to tell herself. Her close friends knew better so a couple of days after Michelle headed home, Timothy too visited his hometown of Rolling Meadows, while Michelle Kwan and Alexei Yagudin soon followed to visit Timothy in his home.
"I still can't believe I'm going, this is like, so unreal to me," Timothy said, they have been talking about neutral subjects like ice-skating, the Olympics, and what they are going to do there.
"This time I'm going to stay in the Olympic village and soak up the whole atmosphere. I might try again for 2006," Michelle said.
"Well you went to Nagano, but you didn't soak up the atmosphere there."
"Yeah, that's because Carroll thought that I shouldn't be too distracted. At that point I agree, but afterwards I started thinking, what's the point of being in the Olympics if I can't enjoy it all?" Michelle replied, she remembered all too well the numbers of people that disliked her decision to not participate in the Olympics. "So this is going to be different for me."
Alexei didn't try to participate in the conversation, what he really wanted to do is find Michelle and bring her back to the world of figure skating. Though he would never admit it, he was interested in Michelle at one point, and cares for her more than he would for anyone else.
"Alexei? hey Alexei..." Michelle called to him, a little bit of concern in her voice, "what's wrong?"
What's wrong? Just worried about Michelle, wondering if she is okay, hoping nothing drastic has happened to her... That's what's wrong. "There's nothing wrong, I'm just spacing out..."
Timothy knew what Alexei was worried about, "I think she still lives in the same house... that is if she hasn't moved between the time we separated to now." Who am I kidding? The only reason I came home was to see if Michelle is alright and I can't even bring up the confidence to go and see her... *sigh* I'll go and see here before I leave. Timothy promised himself. He knew that his mother would have the address of Michelle's home, but something was pulling him from going to go and visit her. Perhaps it was fear.
Michelle waited a moment for the other two men to calm down, she wasn't about to let them know that she had planned a little talk with Mari - as she fondly called Michelle Ho - later that day. Taking a quick look at her watch, she was running late... "Alexei I need to do a quick errand, do you want to..."
Alexei looked up, "No I need to talk to Timothy here for a little while more. Just come back for me when you are done. Thanks."
Michelle quickly said her goodbyes and left quietly for Michelle's house, hopefully she would be alright...
Michelle looked out the front window of her split story family home in the small town of Woodridge, Illinois. Her family was out for the day, off to another family friend gathering, while her younger sister disappeared to go shopping with several high school classmates of hers.
The 1999 Toyota Corolla was home for her to take as she pleased, but she didn't really feel like going anywhere. She received several phone calls from classmates at the University of Illinois in Chicago campus, as well as her co-workers and supervisors but again no one there that she could really talk to.
Many times throughout the day she had picked up the phone only to hang it up, what if he is busy, she often wondered. Once in a while she would dial Timothy's number only to put the phone back on the hook.
So many things had happened in the past few days, she received not one, but two Olympic berths, one for pairs skating and the other in the woman singles; her boyfriend of two years broke off the relationship due to the stress and anxiety and possibly toss some jealousy and envy into the mix; she came to the realization that of her two closest male companions one she knew loves her, and the other may have at one point.
All that emotional strain and everyone still expects her to do well in competitions... she sighed, this is getting far too stressful... and I don't know anymore.
So far into her thoughts, she didn't realize that another automobile pulled up on her driveway, nor did she noticed her fellow American figure skater walking through the overgrown evergreens and was tapping upon the glass in front of Michelle.
She jumped, and scrambled to unlock the front door, she wasn't expecting any visitors, but for the moment she was very glad that someone was there for her...
Michelle Kwan leaned against the doorway and smiled to her friend, "Ready for some Starbucks?"
Michelle's hands were cold as she gingerly held her favorite beverage, a White Chocolate Mocha Espresso. For the past couple of hours, the two Michelle's were discussing about the events that had happened at the end of the United States Nationals until the night before her impromptu trip back to Illinois.
"Michelle, are you sure there isn't anything that would push Thanh to suddenly stop his relationship with you?" Kwan asked gingerly... she wanted to get to the bottom of this, because although she was more than willing to go down to Florida to smack the guy that broke her friend's heart there must have been a reason.
Michelle started to shake her head and wondered aloud, "It was a strain on our relationship because we are not able to see one another almost at all, with him being a medical student and I in figure skating. That when I told him that I wanted to do pairs as well as solos... *sigh* Well, he seemed indifferent about it. But I can't help but wonder if perhaps him knowing that I'll be spending A LOT of time with one particular guy, not just because he is my skating partner, but also because I'm close friends with him... It does seem plausible...
"But why wouldn't he say anything before? I mean, his brother has told me at time how distraught Thanh was every time he listened or read the news, because I would be in there somehow. Whether it was the controversy, or my own success, only to the point that he may not be able to stand being with a girl that is overshadowing him by so much..."
Her eyes lit with a slight realization of her statement, "Oh Michelle, what have I done? Did I put my life, and happiness in front of his?"
Michelle looked down sadly, for so many years she had put the feelings of others in front of her own, and yet without even knowing what she was doing... she had already put her own happiness in front of the one thing she cared most.
Michelle Kwan looked to the other with a little sorrow in her eyes, "Come Michelle go and get your skating gear... we are going to practice..."
Michelle looked to the other with tiredness in her eyes, but she knew that she needed to skate, and she needed it fast. Nodding her yes the two friends headed for the car and drove back to pick up the skating gear.
The telephone rang for the fifth time that day, Timothy got up and picked up the phone, "Goebel residence. Hey Michelle, what's up? Go where? Why? Yes I know where that is, but the rink is usually full. It isn't? Okay, I'll talk to my mom and get the car from her... Yeah you'll meet us at the rink. Bye."
Turning to Alexei he answered the unspoken question, "That was Michelle Kwan on the phone, she wants us to go to Seven Bridges in Woodridge to do a little skating. She managed to talk to the manager to close the rink for us to do some work, so we need to bring our gear..."
Timothy and Alexei reached the near-deserted Seven Bridge Ice Arena and saw Michelle Kwan standing in front of it.
"Michelle what's...?" Timothy started but Michelle held her hand up...
"Michelle's inside skating, I just got her to go on the ice so that she could at least get back to practicing her short programs. She doesn't know that you are going to be here, in fact I don't think that she wants to see you just yet. I do know this, I got her to start skating, but you are the only one that I think could get her going for the Olympics."
From Timothy's skeptical expression Michelle continued, "I'm serious about this Timothy, she needs to get back to the one sport that we all love and enjoy. She can't do it alone, I got her this far, and we got to pitch in to get her through the rest.
"Alexei and I are going to the second rink in this arena, and we will practice there. If Michelle asks, just tell her that I had something to do and you are there to drive her home."
With that, Michelle half-pulled, half-dragged poor Alexei away from Timothy towards another area of the arena.
What in the world...? How am I suppose to convince Michelle to go back to skating... Timothy didn't know how quite to go about fulfilling that answer, let alone tell someone else to do just that.
Silently he sent a prayer, "Dear Lord, please give me strength and help me find the fruits of my destiny."
Slowly Timothy strode towards the sound of the music that he knew would be coming from Michelle's short program of her favorite pentatonic composer Debussy.
The notes from the pentatonic score formed a stylish and oriental peculiarity that seemed to stem from the girl's own peculiar and intricate past. Timothy looked at the sorrowful expression that Michelle had seemed to present on the ice. He knew that she was one of the few skaters that are quite able to change her expression and presentation on the ice depending on her mood.
Meanwhile Michelle flew across the ice the smile that was once the center point of her being never came to being during this piece. Instead a dark and dismal outlook presented itself as it reflected the pain from within her heart. The strange emotional quality of the piece being played throughout the white arena, seemingly echoed in sympathy of the skater whose heart had soared and fell in the same night.
She did seem to notice the end of the piece as it silently evaporated into the calmness of the autumn air when a more emotional piece came from the speakers. The sad beginning of the new piece gave Michelle a whole new meaning to her emotional heartbreak.
She felt her arms automatically following the movements of the dance that she and Timothy had once helped to choreograph together, but this time it was to be a solo dance. Just myself with no one else to dance with on the smooth, cool ice.
Her arms extended, she swore that she felt another arms hold hers up, as if saying that she was not alone, which was ironic because she was pretty sure that no one else was around... But as her body and heart continue to take her through the ice, she felt a calm that she never dared to hope would come back to her. Facing the shadow partner she saw the caring face of Timothy Goebel, dancing and gliding through the ice with her. I'm just dreaming him up, he cannot be here, not now...
Her dreams were answered as a lift came to focus, for suddenly she was catapulted into the air into the lift and she felt that same sudden calm that she never thought that she would ever feel again in a long time. Her beautiful crept to her features as she knew that she was no longer alone, but with another. Someone that she had prayed would be with her during this ordeal in her life.
As the music continued she and Timothy flew and landed through their side-by-side triple lutz, triple toe loop jumps. Her smile growing and her passionate fire for the sport rekindling from its ashes she continued to fly through her long pairs program as if it was nothing. Her last side-by-side jump - the quadruple salchow - seemed to be the only barrier between her shell and her freedom. With careful precision she prepared herself for the jump and put so much of her passion and love into the jump that she hardly believed it herself when she realized several seconds after the close of her program that she had actually landed it.
Her smile finally filling her face with more enthusiasm and love she could scarcely believe her surprise when applause erupted from behind her. Turning around she came face to face with her childhood friend, Timothy.
Reaching out for her hand and massaging it within his own, he simply said, "Let's go home."
Timothy sat behind the wheel while Michelle just looked out the window of the passenger seat. It was no surprised that Michelle was still quite out of it, Timothy still had no idea what had happened, but he could take a good guess as to what had happened. He didn't want to press the matter but it would be best for the both of them if she did at the very least tell him what was going on.
It has been half a week since the United States Nationals and the Olympics are only at most four weeks away. He was getting worried, enough is enough. Taking hold of the wheel, he past the turn that would take Michelle to her home and kept on driving eastbound on 75th Street.
"Timothy, where are you taking me? Please just take me home," Michelle protested.
However he was adamant, shaking his head, "No Michelle I am not going to let you will yourself into obscurity. We are going someplace where we could walk and talk about this like adults."
"Timothy there isn't anything to talk about. Whatever happens in my personal life is my problem and no one else's, so please don't force yourself to get involved in something you shouldn't be in."
"Too late Michelle, I am involved, I have been involved ever since be became close friends. I'm concerned about you, and it's not just me, it's Alexei and Michelle as well. We are head over heels worried about you. We have been trying for the past few days to help you get over your depression and yet you insist on driving yourself into that emotional abyss for yourself. For once in your life you have friends - close friends - that are more than willing to help you in your journey.
"I could understand if you don't want to say anything at least tell me that much. Just because you think that it might be better for you to keep things about your personal life from those that care about you just to keep them from worrying about you, you have another thing coming. By not telling the ones that care about you, you are hurting them far more than telling them the truth in the first place."
Timothy was forcing his words out, but he was worried sick about her, and anything that she does he can't help but care and help her along.
Michelle was near tears at this point, the words stung, and it killed her to see the one that she considered a close friend to be in that kind of turmoil. She needed to hear those words, from someone, anyone, that she cared about more than anything else in the world.
Timothy went back to focus on driving, he needed to stop someplace but he also needed to get Michelle to think more. She was killing herself and everyone else with her continuous silence, but he loved him, he loved her, and Timothy refused to allow this precious angel to succumb herself to the darkness.
Seeing the wooded grove nearby the corner of LaGrange Road and the Stevenson Expressway, he parked the car and got out. Going around the other side of the car, Timothy opened the passenger side, "Come, we need to talk." Holding out his hand, Michelle took it and slowly set foot outside.
After securing his car Timothy and Michelle took one of the trails and walked side-by-side, step-by-step. Minutes passed like hours while neither of them spoke a word, Timothy was engrossed in his feelings for Michelle, while she was engrossed in the powerful comments that Timothy had said earlier.
Finally, "You are right, I haven't exactly been fair to Alexei or Michelle, and most of all you. Alexei and Michelle knows what happened, but I haven't told you yet... and quite frankly I haven't the faintest idea of where to start."
"Why not right after you got your marks for the ladies event at the United States Nationals..."
"... no," Michelle interrupted, "this started long before then, when you and I decided to work together for pairs skating."
Slowly and steadily Michelle explained the interaction between herself and her then-boyfriend when she stated that she was going to start pairs skating as well as ladies skating. That were leading to the events that took place at the US Nationals and ending with her departure soon after the medals were awarded.
Throughout Michelle's emotional explanation, Timothy felt his blood started to boil and his eyes burning with anger. Several times he had clenched his fists tightly in a vain effort to keep from taking the next flight out of Chicago to punch out the person that considers himself human enough to throw away such a special angel. Instead Timothy kept a silent vow within his mind to bash the young man that broke Michelle's heart, and put her through so much pain.
Withdrawing his breath slowly Timothy wrapped an arm around Michelle's quivering shoulders and gingerly allowed her to rest her head against his chest. He felt her shed tears against his shirt, but he did not care, he promised he would there for her, forever always.
For several long minutes they sat there, at a forest bench, Michelle under Timothy's arm shedding many tears of refrained pain, hurt and anger. As her tears subsided she silently said, "Thank you, for being there when I closed the door on you."
Timothy nodded, "When the Lord closes the door, somehow he opens a window." Taking Michelle's tear stricken face cupped in his hands, he gingerly wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. "I won't leave you Michelle, I promise you that. No matter how far away we are, or how long we haven't talked, I will always be there for you, just call me."
Michelle nodded her acknowledgement as Timothy leaned down and kissed her softly on one cheek and then moved to place a butterfly kiss on the other cheek. "Michelle we should get back to California..."
"... to prepare for the Olympics? I agree, I miss the feeling of flight..."