Review #1
by Sky

Sky: I bring along my little Kemet darling, Ciano.

Ciano: ::bows:: And let me begin by saying, I see our author is new
to the game. Fresh like the springtime, all ready to be smacked
around by the likes of our crazy selves. Gods love you, kid! The
Kemets could use some knowledge. The name meaning is awesome, and the
family makes we want to farm myself out for adoption to it. If I were
homeless. For weeks. Lots of good solid detail, no fluff, sounds like
real folks to me. An only child...no sisters for me to hit on?

Sky: Try to keep it real, C.

Ciano: :ahem: Well, a masseuse..the Kemets could use that too,
really, considering all the buff guys wandering around posturing and
angsting and all. I mean, it can really put a crick in your neck.
Plus, any chance I get for a feel...anyway, sorry! If she's out of
work, is she actually making anything being a playright? It's a
brutal, starving business, so how is she making ends meet? Maybe I'm
being too impatient. Right now I'm fascinated by her skill with the
slidewhistle. ::gaze becomes unfocused::

Sky: PERVERT! FOCUS!

Ciano: Why never swimming in lakes? Did she have a bad experience?
Don't just tell us the whats, tell us the whys, too. We love those,
it gives us total control of her mind....I mean, it gives us better
insight so we can get to know her. Yeah Plato!! Home devices and
their informer...I'm not sure what that is, but I may be having a bit
of a dense moment. Or it's possible the narcolepsy kicked in again
about two minutes back, sorry. Is beef stew usually spicy? Is my
mother just leaving things out of it? 'The education of being
physical' sounds like the title of a book I'd like to read, rather
than an activity...

Stupid question time again: why don't any of her hobbies correspond
to her likes? They don't have to, just seems they'd have some
consistency there.

Ah, the history - at first, I was going to say HOW could her MOM give
her UP to the NEW WIFE? But that's apparent a few lines later when
mom dies in a car accident. ::sigh:: Dead parent. Sad. Ok, I'll grant
you that. If Mischa was born in Moscow, how did she get to Venice?
Why did they move there? Employment opportunity, wanderlust, fleeing
from the law? I like her reasons for becoming interested in
psychology, that's good insight...she can probably psych a few enemy
senshi out, if nothing else. What type of training did she undergo to
become a masseuse? Voc Tech? A massage parlor? The dirty old man down
the street? We don't know how she got to some of the places she got
to.

Mischa seems like a girl in her own world, surviving there because of
the combination of the emotional distance of her parents (or really,
the adults she lives with, because parents....they're not) and her
own basic denial and inability to face it; this probably has a lot to
do with her own inner turmoil about the direction her life should
take. You've definitely presented her well in this regard. Sometimes
being able to analyze things is a welcome avoidance of turning that
analysis on yourself. She does realize what she's missing in her own
home life, but how? Media, friends, an inherent human longing?

The appearance is great - I can really picture her. But has all that
masseuse training affected her hands? What type of clothing (besides
big shirts) does she wear?

If the headband in Thoths' fuku is made of marble - how does it stay
on? Isn't it too heavy on her head, or are we marking this down to
magical girl magicalness? Is there an Egyptian tie-in here somewhere?

Sky: It's possible you're being impatient again, C.

Ciano: Word. Ok, where did she get the bookmark with hieroglyphs on
it? What do the hieroglyphs say? I MUST KNOW! I must have knowledge
about the Senshi of Knowledge!! You can only get a transformation
item from a guardian, so I'm probably safe in assuming you're just
telling us what it'll be when she gets it. Ok, it's cool that it
becomes her headband. Good description on the transformation, very
visual.

Sky: Only one power. That's ok, but -

Ciano: But I'm not sure what it's got to do with being a senshi of
knowledge. It seems almost like Generic Senshi Power.

There are a few typos, some interesting turns of phrase, but overall
I liked the app. The things that cause the most trouble are the
missing details - the whys that go with the whats. And the power
doesn't really fit sphere, and I wish it did, and I'm positive you
can come up with something more on the button and really unusual.
Thoth invented the hieroglyph, like you said, and was a weigher of
hearts, which sounds like something promising, and writing the Book
Of The Dead ought to give you some huge tips as well as far as coming
up with powers. You almost had it, but Mischa's not really hitting
the mark as the incarnation of Thoth quite yet. Give us more detail,
work on the powers, maybe work on the fuku to give us an idea that
we'd be looking at the God of Knowledge. Or at least explain why
you've made things the way they are. As it stands, I need to give it
a Reject For Revisions.

__________________________

Review #2
by Cres

Cres, popping in to perform civic duty for the second evening in a
row. ^_^

Now, first off, I really enjoy the applicant's writing ability. It
flows very well; it's obvious that she sees Mischa very clearly in
her head; and I'm sorry that I have no excuse to get my Roanoke
character to Rome anytime soon. ^_^ And did I mention, I
think "Mischa" is an awesome name, and have had no idea how to spell
it until now? ^_^

That being said, I think the application is an extremely enjoyable
read... but it doesn't quite seem customized to where I feel that the
application just *feels* like Thoth. So, first things first, and
working down the app...

It's mentioned that Mischa means "crybaby", yet Mischa doesn't seem
to be particularly emotional. It's perfectly fine to name her Mischa
because they like the name, without tying in every-single-detail so
it relates to her senshi persona, but it's better to say that, rather
than stressing that her name means "crybaby", and not following up on
it.

Age is a nice thing... it's always good to get characters who are on
the older side of the spectrum. So congrats for being brave.

She's an out-of-work masseuse, and a wannabe-writer... and what's
paying the bills/rent/insurance in the meantime? It's very clear that
Mischa decided it was best to leave home, but it's not very clear as
to how she's keeping herself off the streets in the meantime.

As was mentioned in Review #1, it might be good to just touch on---
however briefly--- the reason why her father transplanted them from
Moscow, where she was born; to Venice, where she was raised. Though
I've admittedly only known a few carpenters, it seems that the better
ones (the ones who could afford to live in the upper-middle-class,
though not necessarily in Venice) are very much stay-put sort of
carpenters, where they have an established reputation. The less-
skilled carpenters are the ones who are more likely to move from city
to city, or even country to country, in a neverending quest to find
new work. It could be explained by the fact that the mistress had a
considerable bank account of her own, but then there's little
explanation as to why an upper-class woman would want to become the
mistress of a working-class man. So just a few minor words to clarify
the situation would be extremely helpful.

Mischa's outstanding characteristics seem to consist of wanting to
get to understand people better through massage and having a deep
love of psychology and philosophy, yet is immensely blind to the
people and world around her. Some clarification might be made as to
why Mischa is so clueless about the people and events who are closest
to her, yet is so wrapped up with finding out about strangers.

Mischa's appearance is very well-done. Good visuals both there and
with the fuku. I like the mask. ^_^ The marble headdress/bookmark
comes across as a little odd, and I'm curious as to why marble was
chosen, seeing that to the best of my knowledge, the Egyptians tended
to favor things like basalt, faience, alabaster, flint, diorite,
quartz, granite, and sandstone for their statuary/carvings... but
marble was never so big. I guess it was big for the Romans, though...
hrmmm... And, yeah, it might be nice to just say what the hieroglyph
was, or what it represents... is it Thoth's own cartouche? A maat
feather? Or something else? It's a nice opportunity to bring an extra
layer of relevancy to the costume, and it would be a shame to waste
it on an anonymous symbol. Plus, you gotta think of the
fanartists. :o)

The "Divine Judgement" attack is rather reminiscent of the moon tiara
attack in Sailormoon. If you really thought about it, it might be
that having their powers "locked up" is sort of related to judgement
being passed, but I somehow feel that a player with her writing skill
can think of something more relevant and imaginative. ^_^

All in all... Thoth is "the measurer", "the scribe of the gods", "the
measurer of time", "the inventor of numbers". He records the balance
of the scale of judgement. He invented hieroglyphs. He created the
calendar and divided the months. He gambled with the sun for the five
days outside of the year, upon which days the gods and goddesses were
born. He transmits knowledge. He helps govern the world and settle
conflicts. He's a messenger of the gods. He's identified with both
the ibis and the baboon. He's one of the major patrons of ancient
Egyptian magicians, and his magical power is up there with Isis and
Ra.

Mischa hits the scribe/writing part of Thoth very nicely. On the
site, he's described as a "knowledge" god, and Mischa likes to read.
But there's so many other aspects of Thoth that have been left
unaddressed, I feel hesitant in accepting Mischa's character as it
currently is. If the applicant could somehow make Mischa encompass
more of Thoth's complicated personality, and make her feel more...
Thoth-like... that would be great.

So, reject-revise. ^_^

-Cres

________________

Review #3
by Jen

Here to do my patriotic duty for the game, and appropriately enough
for Rome. Here I can call in the assistance of my Roman girl.
*Gestures to Keele who smiles nervously* Shall we begin?

Keele: Lets!

Kemet senshi, nice to see a new face. No one's applied for the Kemet
recently. And quite the name for our dear Thoth. I have pity for
anyone who's named for a crybaby. ^^ Nice age, going for the olders
and a Capricorn. Let's make sure dear Mischa stands for some of her
sign's personality traits.

The family is brief but good in detail as far as personality goes. Is
Jean Mischa's biological mom or was Gregory's first-wife her
biological mom? If it's the latter, a blurb on her would be helpful.
It would be nice to have some idea how Mischa interacts with both her
parents though.

Mischa's out-of-work? Well, she must have a lot of free time. ^_^

Keele: She's a masseuse? She must have gone to school so she must be
paying off student loans, on the concept that she didn't have much
money from her father (carpentry is not a steady income type of
occupation) to contribute to her education. Does she have any kind of
job to pay off her debts and other necessities in life?

It must be a writer's habit to denounce their hobby/occuipation of
choice. ^_^ Skills are an interesting bunch, though I must inquire
what precisely you mean by observation humour. I'm not familiar with
comics but would that be similar to Seinfield's(sp?) humour?

Likes - to name but a few? *Whistles* That seems like a lot to me. It
would be great to see some expansion on Mischa's greater likes,
explaining how she got into it and why she loves it so much. But then
you might get into that in the History section. I do have a tentative
issue with Marvel and DC comic books. How reknowned are those comics
across the pond? They seem to be more famed in North America and I
have no idea if anyone would carry them in Europe. Maybe rare
collector shops but I really have no in-depth knowledge on the topic.
If she were from America originally I could see how she knows about
the comic but otherwise, I'm stumped. Dislikes could be summed up
just like the likes, doing a short blurb on Mischa's greater
dislikes.

Odd thing on the foods, in my perception at least. I love spicy food
and seafood. Anyhoo, no real complaints but you might want to shove
those ham-pockets into favourite foods as a side note. ^^

Keele: A maseuse who didn't enjoy biology? I'm shocked!

I guess it can happen. Mischa can munch on philosophy with Matty.
Hated subject, now that just confuzzled me but remember, I'm easily
confuzzled. So does she hate phys. ed. regardless of weather
conditions? Or does she only hate phys. ed. when the lessons involved
strenuous activities? Not that big a question, but it would help me
get a better understanding. ^^

She sews? When did that happen? *Looks back over the app* I know this
is going to sound absurd but her preferences are all over the place.
I'm not going to complain but it would be nice to see more
consistency in things other then her writing. She seems to do
everything. ^^; Now I see why she has so much free time, to keep up
on all of her interests! And she wants to be a celebrated playwright,
okay - that much I could tell from her basic stats but now I have no
clue whatsoever why she is a maseuse, an out-of-work masseuse at that.

Okay, now that we know the second-wife isn't bio-mum to Mischa I do
demand a short profile on the birth mom. ^^;; Um, a very short one
since she died within hours (days?) of the baby's birth. I have no
qualms about uneventful upbringings but things are confusing me.
Upper-middle class for a single-employed family, a carpenter no less?
Building furniture, as you detailed, I would expect doesn't bring in
a large lump of money. I would suspect that they'd actually be
working class. If they were to be lower- or upper-middle class Jean
would also need a job, not just Greg. Plus, I really can't imagine
Mischa as a professional masseuse. By way of the history I would
presume that she'd become a writer of some sorts (from her love of
writing) or a psychologist or psychiatrist but I don't see the
leanings towards a masseuse. I plead that you change her current job-
status to something other then masseuse. And I must dart back to
something that I mentioned earlier in the application. She _needs_ a
job to pay for housing in Rome (assuming she has moved to Rome, it
was mentioned she needed to get out of the house but out of Venice,
I'm not sure) plus neccesities. Again, I doubt that Greg and Jean
would be able to donate much.

History has to be fleshed out. What you do have is interesting but it
is much too brief. You need to explain her current situation better:
she has to be in Rome, how did she get to Rome? What made her move to
Rome out of all the cities in Italy? Plus, back-tracking a bit - what
made Jean and Greg choose Italy to move to, having lived in Moscow
for how long? What drew Mischa to psychology so much? Did she have
many friends growing up? How did they feel about her moving? Or did
she move with one or two of her friends to Rome?

Hun, I would find it extremely helpful if you threw the second and
third paragraph of Mischa's personality into history; they would
better serve their purpose up there. And even with those paragraphs
in the personality the personality feels bare-bones. I can't see the
reasons for why she is careless. Yes, her parents were not the most
involved of parents but they're only one aspect of how a child is
raised - environment yes, but you fail to mention any interaction
with peers and education. The last paragraph gives an idea of her
traits and habits but if you fleshed them out it would make a more
solid personality. She certainly sounds interesting from those
factoids of her personality that you do provide. It just needs...
more details on those factoids.

Onto appearance, facially I can envision her but her hair, how long
is it? Yes, it's bushy from half-way down her neck and past but how
much further does it go? And 5'5 isn't short, as a short person I am
obligated to point that out. ^^;; Fuku isn't entirely clear as there
are contradictions. Marble on the head would be mighty heavy. Maybe
the headband is just a substance that looks like marble but has a
lighter weight then marble. A sleeveless shirt would still
technically have the shoulders covered, it just wouldn't have sleeves
from the shoulders down. So if her shoudlers are bare aside from the
ribbons the shirt wouldn't technically be a sleeveless shirt.
Bustier? - maybe? Tube top? - maybe?

Keele: You are getting really nit-picky you know that? Ignore her
technicalities. She has a simple but pretty fuku. *Grumbles*Why does
everyone get pants or a skirt and I have none?*End grumbles*

Transformation item - see issue with the headband. Again, maybe it
just resembles marble but isn't really marble. Henshin is nice, but
her attack... I fail to see the significance, even after reading your
explaination on the god Thoth. The details are all very good, effects
and performance. If you could just explain the reasoning behind the
attack that would be great.

Writing sample is cute, a little dialogue would be handy but I'm not
complaining-

Keele: For once!

*Shoves her character back into the character housing complex* Ignore
her. ^^; This review was much longer then I planned but there were
problems that arose within the application that didn't quite mesh
together. The character is lovely, the writing is lovely but you need
more detail and clarification. I know I must of raised a million
questions but please try to answer them and re-apply. Each time I've
applied with a character for this game I've had to rework my
characters to various degrees. I know it's annoying as... a very hot
place of biblical proportions but hopefully you can forgive me. So
for now I vote this for Revise or Die. _Please_ come back. ^_^;;;