Review #1
by V

Review time... ooh, Graikos. I have a pair of those, they're lovely.
Let's see...

Capricorn. Interesting. The skills fit, but the likes and dislikes
don't seem to match up. I want more on both sides, even if it's just
a list of the little things that make Hoven happy or sad. Check
out... oh, Pisces. Maybe Cancer. Something with a good artsy bit...
water signs have inherent angst. Cappie boys ARE lovely, though.
Reliable, thorough, methodical... very earthy. And I'm not getting
that from Hoven here.

Here's something else... in hobbies and skills, you mention a couple
of things (archery, speed reading lessons) that you don't bring up
in the history. If these are such big things that happen in Hoven's
childhood, I'd like to see how they work into the history. You write
them as if he's close to his father, but the only "closeness" I see
is the harp.

Another thing... you mention that he's got an early childhood
preference and talent for music, but you never mention how this
manifests. Does he dance at an early age? Try to sing along with the
music? React differently to "angry" or "sad" music? It's the little
things that you seem to miss here, and the little things stick out.

There are more inconsistencies like this... his talkativeness that
you mention in his personality doesn't come up in his history. I'm
not sure how chess harnesses an overactive child, but I suppose it's
possible. Furthermore, the personality is lacking. It's... well, it
centers around the now-lost hyperactivity and the assault. I'd like
to know there's more to Hoven than just that. If you've read the
stories and characters in SMyth: Italy, you'll realize that there
are so many more themes that we go into. The character you've got
here, history and personality wise, doesn't begin to match the
standard of three dimensional development that we have going on
around here. When you rework the personality, ask yourself how Hoven
would respond in everyday situations: What makes him angry? What
makes him happy? How does he deal with frustration, disappointment,
or happy surprises? Does he enjoy praise for his talent, or does he
just shrug it off? Does he know how good he is?

See where I'm going? I want to know what he's like -now-, not what
he was like before. Present stuff.

Also, where in the history does his singing and strings recording
career come into play? How well known is he? How many albums does he
have out? If he's so well-known, this is an important detail.

...you've also got a few grammatical things and spelling/word
replacement issues going on here. Just a note... it's not terribly
distracting, but it's enough to notice... and in all honesty, it's
because I'm not terribly impressed with history or personality.

Note for genetics... blue and hazel can produce grey. Eye color is
controlled by eight separate gene tags, not just two. Three shades
of brown, green, hazel, grey, and two shades of blue are generally
standard. *hops off the soapbox*

No problems with fuku or transformation, but the powers seem to lack
quantification. Granted, I'm extraordinarily picky with powers,
wanting attack ranges and frequencies and stuff... but still, will
this work for someone who can't hear the music? Also, is it only
trees that dance, or could Apollo connive a shrubbery into a jig?
And will it work on a fake ficus?

I want more on Lirit. She needs a personality along with a name and
a physical description. If you want some good examples, check out
some of my personal faves, like Adam's badger guardian, Ay, or
Nyssa's golden retriever guardian, Menes. Those are developed
guardians with distinct personalities... and hey, even the Graikos
guardians have personalities. Check out Jason, or Aethra, or even
Cephalus. ^_^

The writing sample is... well, it doesn't do much for me. Spelling
errors, and I'm not sensing any tragedy from the characters. It's...
forced.

I should probably mention this, since other people will likely dwell
on it since Hovan's assault seems to be the driving force in his
personality and the way he conducts himself. While it IS possible to
have a character traumatized to the point where said incident drives
his/her life, you don't go into enough detail about Hoven's
personality to make it work. It seems as if you're using this
sexually-oriented angst to create a character who has been hurt so
badly that nothing on Earth will ever make him whole again, and
you're not accomplishing that. Without the proper personality and
history development, it comes off badly. Another note... your RPG
resumé mentions that you use similar names for other characters in
other games. Having turned one of my former fanfic characters into
an SMyth character...

Elena: *waves cheerily before speeding off*

You need to at least change the names. It makes me wonder if you're
lacking in creativity. You can certainly find names that work with
the same meaning... for both character and guardian, please.

I'm going to have to give this app a Reject For Major Revision. The
personality and history are sorely lacking, and the assault in his
history doesn't add anything to the character. It's... well, not
totally original in the way you're bringing it to the character.
Please work on Hoven's personality and history, and if you keep the
assault in his history, consider that the character should not rely
on a single incident for personality development.
_______________________

Review #2
by Chris


Alrighty, we've done one review, now for another. Let's get it ON.

Okay, I've never heard of either Hovan, or Thy being a name, so I'm
just curious as to where they came from; Thy, especially, because it
has a meaning in English that isn't poetry. Hmm, the Jan. 1st birth
date is a little cliché.

A question on the mother, Hanna. Is she French? Because her name
isn't a common French name – its more of an
English/German/Scandinavian thing. Same thing for the father, except
that Terrence is really only used in English. If they're European,
where are they from? England? Prance?

M'kay, so, I'm going to guess that Hovan speaks Finnish, if he went
to school there. And since this is an ap for Rome, he speaks
Italian, too? And, reading down, I see that he has to speak Greek.
Them's a lot of languages – should that be in skills? And what about
music, that should be in skills or likes, as well.

Why would an archaeological-father want to get his son into music so
badly? He was only five at the time, when he gave him a lyre from
Apollo's Temple. Okay, so, firstly, giving a child something that
is, oh, 2000+ years old is a very stupid idea. Secondly,
archaeologists rarely get to just take things back home, most of it
goes off to museums. I would imagine a fully intact lyre would have
instantly been taken somewhere where it could be catalogued, and kept
for antiquity. Not given to the nice man so he could give it to his
five-year-old son. Thirdly, taking a priceless artifact to first
grade? And then it mysteriously disappears, and there isn't a
horrible (other than his reaction) uprising? And, apparently only
stealing part of the lyre. Fourthly, the fact that he's been wearing
a chocker (re: very tight necklace) on his neck since he was seven.
When children get bigger, so do their necks, he would have outgrown
the thing years ago, unless he got it resized (and then of course he
took it off).

I'm gonna state this here and now – Rome is terribly open about
people being gay/bi/straight/choleric/sanguine/whatever. As long as
its done well. I'm not seeing that right here. You have a scene
where the boy is come upon by a random stranger, who promptly rapes
the boy in a parking lot. In a school parking lot, where a concert
has just finished, and therefore there must be someone else in the
parking lot. And, where he's putting away his harp in his car. If
that's a typical European car, and that's a typical harp, that so
isn't happening. First, he's going to have to have help, harps are
big and heavy. Secondly, a harp isn't something you just lug around
in a car; you'd need something way bigger than that. Thirdly, he's
being raped by a man for no reason whatsoever in a parking lot, other
than the fact that he's pretty. Umm, the judges are gonna say no.

And then nothing happens to him in the more than four years since the
rape worth mentioning.

Personality is unhelpful. It tells me what he used to be like, but
next-to-nothing about what he's actually like now. And the grammar
errors are starting to stick out. "They talked and solved problems
that were affecting them and their family together, but now he was
very distance, hurting deep inside where she couldn't." He was very
distant, and the sentence's final idea never really ends.

Appearance is really too `I'm a pretty-pretty Uke-boy' for me.
Especially with the knee-long hair. I really hope that his hair is a
horrible, tangled mess every morning that he has to comb out for
hours and hours, and that with a ponytail, he's going to be such a
liability in combat. In Rome, people aren't above pulling hair.
Also, I never again want to read the sentence `and a group of five
scars surround his abused anus.' ever again.

Hovan's senshi-outfit isn't really all -that- different. We have
guys in vests, and guys in harem pants. Also, just a side-note – as
a rule, men don't have shapely hips. They aren't made that way. 99%
of men have straight, boring hips. Women have shapely hips (right
sexy, too). Men do not. I'm sad and tired of him looking like a
girl with menparts.

Problem in transformation – his transformation item appears to be his
broken-lute-thing. Unless his guardian gave him the broken-lute
thing, then no. His father did not dig up a 2000 year old henshin
item and give it to his son. And, nowhere in history did I see
anything about his reaction to becoming a senshi, now that I think
about it. That should have been included, unless it's included in
the writing sample section – which it wasn't.

Powers are meh. They aren't that great, they aren't overpowered,
they aren't terribly underpowered, they're just meh.

And the guardian section has a one sentence description of the
guardian. That's a no go. Not only is the guardian a non-standard
color for his/her/its breed, but there is no description of Lirit's
personality, how he/she/it views the other Graikos, senshi in
general, how well the two get along, how they met, anything. At
all. Or who/what Lirit was in mythology. And after a quick check,
Lirit wasn't anything in Greek mythology. Lirit is a -Hebrew- name.
So, you didn't read the guardian section. My best suggestion at this
point is to just throw out the guardian totally, its not like it was
an important part of the ap at all.

The explanation was short, and confusing. Nowhere did you say what
Apollo was associated with (Light, Medicine, Music, Prophesy?); also,
the story with the raven is confusing, explain this whole `the raven
used to be white' thing to me. Indulge my ignorance.

For the writing sample, his parents didn't bother to stay and
congratulate their son on his crowing achievement; they just shuffled
on back home? ... thank you for the detail about his thighs and
butt being covered in blood. I really wanted to read that. "We've
stitched him up and at this point he is awake but we can't let you
see him until the pain killers have taken affect." You realize that,
then, not only did they stitch the poor boy up -without any sort of
anesthesia-, but the word is `effect' not `affect'.

FINAL VERDICT

Okay, so, I had problems with appearance, personality, history,
guardian, writing sample, and grammar, with minor problems with
birthday, his names, the explanation section, and a lack of
information for family. I especially had problems with the lute
thing, and the entire raping ordeal. Thusly, we come to our
conclusion that revising this character in the way I want you to
revise this character would result in a wholly -new- character. This
is a REJECT. If you feel that you can revise him enough, then by all
means, turn him back in.

_______________________

Review #3
by Angie

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, huh? Third review in only a handful of
days. Looks like you hit a chord... And what a chord it is. After
reading this application, I can't blame the prompt reviews one bit.

First of all, I want to point out that, while we're essentially a
PG/PG13 game, we are willing to cover more mature themes and have
done so in the past. Quite capably, I like to think. No subject is
ever truly taboo so long as it is done well. That said, let us move
onwards.

I'm going to be blunt about this application. His name is
particularly painful but, hey, that happens. His birthday, however,
is one of those days that we tend to eye warily and ask just what
reason you have for giving it to him. His family is perfect and, at
the same time, vague as a mirage in a desert; there are no ages, no
true sense of appearance or personality. He is already a known
composer at 23? Right. His skills, his likes, his dislikes (all one
of them) are cliche and don't indicate any kind of personality other
than "avatar of Apollo". Maybe.

Why would Apollo be silver and white instead of gold and white?
Silver was usually reserved for his sister Artemis in mythology.

There is little to say about his history other than the bulk of it is
implausible (no taking of artifacts from dig sites! lyres are
awfully big to wear around your neck! early discovery of his
homosexuality! etc.) except for flashes of a real-feeling little boy
in there during his early childhood. The show and tell is an
example. As for the rape... They happen, yes. They happen around
schools, yes. Was it necessary here and does it affect Hovan in any
kind of appreciable manner?

After reading the personality, I'd have to say I honestly couldn't
tell you. You gave us two vague paragraphs about prior to the attack
and one about how he is now. Knowing how a character was prior to a
life-changing incident is always nice and shows depth and
understanding but it is always far more important to know how they
are -now-. I couldn't answer a single question about this boy.

Appearance... He is, in essence, a twelve-year old girl by this
description. Though the detail on his hands is a nice, rather more
real touch.

I'm going to do the senshi information as a lump. The fuku works but
the hair hanging loose would be a horrible liability. Trust me on
this. There are many senshi who would have no qualms in grabbing
onto that tail and dragging him around. The transformation is basic
and to the point. Powers-wise, there's definitely something to work
with. Lullaby needs a proper time limit, though, or we'd never know
his stamina in regards to playing. Laurel Dance is trickier and,
again, we need a more realistic time limit. Does Lirit have a
personality? Where did you get that name, by the way? It doesn't
jive with any of the ones on the accepted list that I know of.

Writing sample. Well, I consider just about the entire application a
writing sample as well as the story and there are definitely some
grammar flaws. Spelling, punctuation, and general grammar rules come
and go but those are easily repaired.

Overall, this application just won't cut it. I have to give it a
Reject. There is too much wrong here. I'd suggest you either do a
complete overhaul and focus on making him more three-dimensional or
else you simply restart.