Review #1 by Cres 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! It's Cres popping in to perform her civic duty! This evening, I have along with me Amir, who will be performing interpretive dances to illustrate my commentary... well, maybe not. So you're just stuck with commentary. ^_^ I'm eating strawberry shortcake at the moment, so yay-rah for me! On to Zamael! All right. The first thing I want to mention is the fact that this application is for Zamael. Looking up Zamael, Sarah's Archangels is really the only site that I've found that has him listed as such, unless you see his name in a chart but with no description. (ie, according to 'Clavicula Salomonis', Zamael is the angel of 1 AM, 8 AM, 3 PM, and 10 PM Saturdays; 3 AM, 10 AM, 5 PM, and midnight Wednesdays; and so on). According to good old Sarah, Zamael "Teaches & Doubles All Sexual Pleasures". But according to other sites, (ie, http://www.steliart.com/angelology_angels_demons_chart.html ), Zamael is merely another name for Samael... and once we start looking into Samael, we're getting into even more confusing territory, associating him with the planet Mars; ruling over the Crusades as a secundadeian being; "represent[ing] the severity of God, but also the power to achieve Victory over Adversity and Adversaries through Virtue with great Power"; an "an archangel of Rome & originally one of the fallen angels in the Book of Enoch"; and "the ha-Shed ha-Gadol who defiled Lilith so she could not return to Adam." (Lilith being Adam's first wife, for those unfamiliar with non-Biblical parts of the Eden myth.) So. Anyhow. The point being, Z/Samael can be many things, but Sarah's the only one who has him dealing with sexual pleasure. Maybe someone like Monachiel, Theliel, Donquel, or so on might be a more solid match for the powerbase... Angels aren't easily pigeonholed in general (I'm still discovering new areas that mine is involved in), but it's generally a good idea to double-check your resources to make sure there's a general consensus in what areas the angel is involved. Eden Snoddy is a cute name. ^_^ I feel bad for anyone with a last name of Snoddy, but it can't be helped. I really like the first name of Eden. It was chosen for another reason-- "place of pleasure", like the app says, but Samael is identified with the snake that tempted Eve in the first place; and also led the fall of the angels because he was jealous of Adam and his wisdom and knowledge. So, yeah. Samael is very closely tied to the concept of Eden on many levels. I have three problems with the app. The first was addressed up top. The next deals with numbers. ^_^ Eden is 15 years old. Her father is 32. If you do the math, he was 17 at the oldest when she was born... which puts him at his 16th birthday when she was conceived. (So, yeah, he'd still have been 16 when his daughter was born.) That wouldn't be such a problem, except for the circumstances around Eden's birth. Now, I'm sure some guys run around hiring strippers for their 16-year-old birthday boys... but somehow it just doesn't feel right, though 16 is the age of consent in TX; I don't know what VA's laws are. Likewise, "Star" must have been at least 18 in order to be legally performing in her chosen profession, which puts her at about 34 right now. So you have a 16/17 year-old-boy marrying an 18/19-year- old stripper... um. Kudos to Star for being able to tell she was pregnant within a matter of days. (I've had friends who have known The Next Day; and I've had friends who have been clueless for weeks. So it varies from woman to woman.) But the app seems to forget that pregnancy lasts 9 months... the wedding seems to have taken place quite shortly after the amazing announcement of the bun in the oven and the amazing realization that it-must-be-love... and the breakup seems to have happened with equal speed. Add to that the fact that we have Star, who has continued for 16+ years in a profession well-known to wear you out and toss you aside quickly; and the fact that Matt, at the tender age of 16 or 17, was already a spokesperson for a major car business (and add to that, with the difficulty of being a single parent so young, I doubt he got to go to college)... the thoughts are interesting, but the suspension-of-disbelief-factor is too high for me to really wonder how much thought and planning went into that part. Minor bits... minor bits... holding your own in combat is not necessarily a factor related to strength. Being in good shape and being a good fighter are two totally different things. One helps the other, but doesn't automatically assure it. The pink paperback weakness is cute and fits in nicely with the powerbase. It's odd that someone who's athletic and a starter on the junior varsity team is so antisocial (being on a team means learning the importance of teamwork) and shy and has difficulty with self- confidence (being good at sports often increases self-confidence, rather than vice-versa). It seems that a sophomore on the basketball team would fit right in with the guys, rather than having some elementary-school stigma following her around. Even if Eden doesn't let herself be shoehorned into a single clique, with her diverse interests it seems like she has plenty of opportunities to at least circulate superficially among many different cliques, rather than being a total outcast. Collard greens aren't anything like green beans or peas... they're broad-leaved plants that look more like spinach or something. How Eden got to be friends with April might be better fleshed-out... or even more importantly, why they stayed friends. It takes more than just beta-reading for each other to have such a mutually-supportive relationship. Eden's personality is a little flat. She is looking to be liked by all, yet she's a loner, yet she unleashes all her anger and frustration on the two people in her life that she is closest to. She's a good confidante, but will shut you down in a heartbeat if your opinion doesn't match hers, yet she's reluctant to choose sides on matters and hides behind an overly polite mask. She's the senshi who "teaches and doubles sexual pleasures" (or, just "pleasure", as the case may be), and yet is very passive when it comes to love, not looking for it, waiting for it to come to her, and having absolutely no success with it. She's a B-cup, yet curvy. And are 15-year-olds old enough to get tattoos, with or without parental consent? The high point of the app is the fuku. I love the thought and imagination that went into it. ^_^ Feathers are cool, and it would be really fun to draw. The henshin sequence is cute. I'm a little worried about her powers, or lack thereof. "Fantasy" is a nice illusion effect; and "Pleasure/Pain" might help her in a pinch, but neither is really orchestrated to serve her well in a long- term fight, and I'm worried as to what would happen to Zamael if she ever got into a scuffle with no backup available. So... the third point that I'm concerned about is that Zamael, the senshi of passion, is passionate about... nothing. Being the senshi of passion doesn't mean that the character has to be the school slut, or anything like that. But a good senshi of passion wouldn't go through life like a cardboard cutout, passively reacting to life as it passes by. When I think passion, I think of action. Interest. Energy. Warmth. Enthusiasm. Magentism. That sort of thing. Eden has none of that. The way things stand, Matt is almost a better senshi of passion than Eden is. So, yeah. Those are three points that I see needing revision: 1) Investigation into the angel's powerbase and background; 2) Cleaning up the history, with maybe more attention to Eden and less attention to her parents' unceasing sexual antics; and 3) Revising the personality so that the senshi is more... passionate... about something. I do enjoy the applicant's writing style. But I would like it better if they put a little more thought in developing their concepts, so that things are a little more tied-together. -Cres *who has now finished her strawberry shortcake and who is still just as verbose as ever* :o) ____________________________ Review #2 by Sage Howdy, this is Sage. Because my boy Duke is a biblio-phobe and an Astro, I will be the one primarily annoying you at this time. This is my personal, newbie opinion, so I don’t know what the GMs may say about this, but I don’t think the Zamael/Samael research conflict is that big of a deal. You followed the directions and went to the Sarah’s page that they told you to go to find your angel. Myths behind angels tend to be choppy, incomplete, and interwoven over time anyway, unlike the relatively rigid Greek and Roman god myths, so I think more leeway should be given to people with angel characters. This argument doesn’t have much to do with the character and app itself though, so I’m going to move on and let the higher people decide what’s what. I love the first name; it's so relevant that it makes me squeal. Does she have a middle name? Most girls do. I like her dad, but he's too young. Slapping on four more years to his age should be enough to make the situation of Eden's birth more feasible. Also can you provide an example of how he can fill in for the maternal role missing in Eden's life? You wrote that "he is able to fit into the maternally role that Eden never had". From what I can tell, there is little maternal about this guy at all. Blessing Eden with a stripper mom was very bold and I give you cookies for that. Where does Star live nowadays though? Out of state? More cookies for throwing Eden in Cave Spring. Skills are fine, although a random unique one thrown in there would have been interesting. As the first reviewer already stated, it's unusual to have an athlete be anti-social. Talking from experience, people who are shy coming into a team sport tend to become more social because they have to interact with their teammates in order to be successful. A basketball starter especially needs to be in harmony with the rest of her team. Thumbs up for her techno music and cell phone likes, although who does she talk to on the phone if she only is close to Matt and April? I'm guessing that you made Eden anti-social as a sort of irony against being the Senshi of Pleasure, and that would work out fine if you didn't have her basketball hobby. Basketball is way too social of a sport for a shy person to be successful in, considering the teamwork that is involved and the high visibility of the players (even junior varsity games draw crowds). This is more of a Personality thing, but how does she interact with her basketball team if she always feels outcasted? I would recommend changing her sport of choice to something more independent, like track or golf. Ah, and she's also on the Creative Writing team? How does she get along with other writers? The first part of the history seems to zoom at inhuman speeds... Duke: "LUDICROUS SPEED! Look, they've gone plaid!" Spaceballs is funny. Sure Duke...and within nine months Matt and Star meet fall in love, marry, have a baby, and divorce. Also, it would have been near impossible for a single, young man to take care of a newborn, so were Matt's parents helping out with Eden at all? When Eden was thirteen, where would she sneak out to at night? Probably not to a friend's house, so where? I don't get what makes Eden unpopular. I doubt that every kid in elementary school hated her (even people with cooties have pals) and I don't see why people will continue hating her in high school, especially considering that Eden is talented and good-looking. So please explain why she is still hated. Possibly Eden believes that she is still hated, even though that may not be true? People change as time goes on, and I doubt people would hold on to childhood grudges after ten years. I do like the hard-knock way she discovered about sex and drugs though, that feels real. I love April, and their relationship also feels realistic. Overall, I'm impressed with the personality. I think the shy, outcast girl image you sculpt for Eden can work if you just eliminate the basketball part. Two additional things concern me though: the first line states that she thinks of herself as normal, but wouldn’t a crappy self-esteem make her think otherwise? The second is something the first reviewer also mentioned, why does Eden unleash all of her anger on the two people she loves most? Wouldn’t she be afraid of losing them? The Appearance works well, although I'd like to know what prompted her to get the tattoo and pierce belly button (April, I'd guess). I love the details, like with the voice and her hands, which makes it easy to actually imagine Eden. The fuku was well done too. Her attacks seem to be fine, although I'm worried that the first one steps on the toes of Sailors Cupid and Aphrodite. Possibly you can change it to just physical attraction instead of "thinking that Zamael is their soul mate", because that wanders too far into the realm of love. Also, drug overdoses normally involve PAIN and DEATH, so you might just want to reword that reference. Going to a party? That seems slightly out of character, even if April drags Eden places. I'd recommend that you explain why Eden lets April boss her around, and what positive things Eden sees in April. I like your writing style very much though, it seems down-to-earth, and I would very much like to meet Caleb... Duke: *pouts* Sage? I thought -I- was your imaginary boy-toy... SUMMARY!! (Recommendation: Accept with Revisions) I happened to like this app, and the Personality section struck me as a well-done contrast to the sphere of Pleasure. Of course, if you did not intend for the Personality to contrast the sphere, then please heavily consider what Cres said about Eden being passionless. Making her passionate about writing might be the best route, but it’s your decision. The biggest thing that I think you need to sort out is the conflicts between her personality and choice of activities. I would highly recommend that you reconsider making her a basketball player and being dragged to parties by April in favor of more low-key activities like golf or pottery (just examples). Also, the history needs to be put through the wash so that issues like ages and realism can be resolved. ____________________________ Review #3 by Becky An Angelus in Roanoke. I don't have any pretties there....yet. I love her name. Eden Snoddy. I feel bad for anyone with the name Snoddy...and I have a pretty bad surname, too. Did anyone else notice that, when said quickly, it becomes Eden's naughty? Maybe I'm the only one...but even unintentionally, it ties in nicely. Like the other reviewers, I feel Matt is just a bit too young. Bump his age up even by two years and I don't have a problem. That's just a suggestion, though, as he *is* rather a player. Her mother is a stripper. Don't think I've seen that one yet. How wonderfully fitting. Athleticism doesn't necessarily make one a better fighter. Stronger, yes, more accomplished, no. The rest of her likes and dislikes are cute, especially the one about techno music. Fajitas are tasty. So yummy. And now I'm hungry. Her aspirations are cute, especially considering her home life. Poor Eden. So teased in high school. I don't have a problem with her being shy and on the basketball team. I've known many, many shy debaters and actors, so that doesn't particularly bother me. Shy actors...go figure. I like that she's so timid and has strong morals. The irony pleases me. However, I would like it if she met her mother...or vice versa. I'd think that would be pretty interesting. Hehe, the senshi of pleasure has an embarrassing red nose. For some reason I find this amusing ^^. I can actually picture Eden, so good job on the appearance. I like that her outfit is close to that of a showgirl's. And it has feathers (whee!). OMG, her transformation is so fitting. I also feel that "Fantasy" should make the victim feel as though Zamael is his or her lustmate, not soulmate. Soulmate might infringe on Aphrodite's powers a bit much. I don't have any problems with "Pleasure Pain." I don't have a problem with Zamael's multiple spheres. Angels are sometimes hard to pinpoint, and I won't nitpick over that. Besides, the site linked from Sailor Myth refers to him as the angel of sexual pleasures. No problems there. Final Verdict: Accept with Revisions. I like that she is a senshi of pleasure and yet wonderfully inept at being a major tease. She's shy and kind of frumpy. I like that. The only real problems I had were the one issue with the history and the one attack. Just fix those up and you should be in top shape.