Review #1 by Deanna Wow, I hate her father. Hatey hate hate. Good reasoning on the hated subjects. Isn't it dangerous for a young girl to wander the Underground alone? I'd think that would be a quick way to commit a very unpleasant form of suicide. ... "inventing beanbag toys shaped like the Pope"! That's it. You win. Can I approve it right here? Evil spirit of the GMs: NO. :-( On with the review. Can divorces be finalized that quickly in the UK? I'm not up on UK law, but I'm surprised there's not a required separation period. I hate her father even more. Hatey McStabStab. "Shrieking and jumping up in fear, the butterfly had to shout for her to hear his exhortations to calm." That sentence says that the butterfly shrieked and jumped into the air. I think you mean that Rita did. If so, fix. 5'1" is average? Yeesh, the world is full of short people. What are "aye-aye hands"? Powers look good, except that Incense Wave Enrapture lasts too long. Three times per battle at five minutes each means that she could keep the whacky tobacky burning for fifteen minutes at a time, which is longer than most senshi battles last. Knock the cloud's duration down to no more than a minute each time, and specify how long the effects last. Only as long as the cloud lasts? Longer? I really like Constantine. His personality and religious wanderings sound immensely entertaining, and you've got to love the way he incites Rita to naughtiness. I was writing this gushing as a set-up to saying that he wasn't an acceptable guardian for a Welsh senshi, since I thought he ruled later than he did and the Empire had already abandoned Brittania, but I looked it up and found I was wrong. The gushing still stands. I could go back and connect these notes I made on the first read-through, but I don't feel like it. I'm going to go ahead right now and say that I give this one an ACCEPT, provided you fix that power, but I have some final thoughts. I'm not thrilled with how focused this is on Christianity. "Write what you know" is good advice, and you do have a point about the native Welsh religion being replaed by Christianity. But. Rita *is* Sailor Modron, a pre-Christian goddess, and I'd like to see the sheet reflect that. Constantine ruled at a time when Christianity was just making inroads in Europe, riding devotion born of the siege mentality that had developed under persecution by emperors like Diocletian, and the relief of getting official state protection and endorsement from Constantine. It would spend the next thousand years and more liberally mixing with pagan elements. Constantine himself approached the Christian god as he would any Roman god, following a vision and offering service in exchange for victory in warfare. His predecessors had been striking the same deal with Mars and Jupiter for ages. I'm not going to mandate this as a condition of acceptance, but I'm going to suggest you try to inject some more pre-Christian or co-Christian elements into her. Rita is a lovely, compelling character with a father I'm going to love seeing chewed to death by bored ferrets, and your writing reads well. I think you can spice the Sailor Modron side of it up. Christianity absorbed a great deal of the customs and beliefs of the native religions it encroached on, and the way it operated in Wales was likely no exception. Often converts would just shrug their shoulders, accept baptism, and go on just as they had been, except that the fertility god who died and was reborn in the spring of each year was now called Jesus instead of whatever they'd been calling him. I'd like to see more of that blending used here. Since Modron's a mother goddess, I'll bet she came to be identified with the Holy Virgin Mary. You could work in some Marian imagery here, I think. I don't like pushing other players around when their sheets don't suck. If the senshi concept as it stands now is how you want to play it, I'm not going to force you to change it to something less attractive to you; if you're open to changing it now or in the future, think about what I've said. I really do love this sheet, and I don't want to stand in the way of you playing her. If it impressed me any less, I'd be rejecting it based on these thoughts. I'd like her to read more as a Welsh senshi than as a misplaced Angelus. She has a name that would fit an Angelus, a personality that would, senshi info that would, and even a guardian who is, I believe, a saint. If it didn't say "Welsh Senshi of Divinity" at the top, I'd probably assume she was an Angelus. ____________________ GM note: Constantine is not a valid Welsh guardian. While he did rule the area, he is not a Welsh hero or mythic figure, and is more properly suited to at least two other senshi teams. In fact, I can't even find evidence that Constantine the Great was in Wales, though there were plenty of Welsh royals named after him and apparently some descendents. While you have offered an explanation as to why he could be a Welsh guardian, you have no provided an explanation as to why he's not Angelus or Romanus. He was, after all, a Saint (regarded as equal the Apostles in the East) and a Roman Emperor. Also, it really is preferable that you stray away from Christian mythology with the Celtae Senshi. The idea is that they're the old traditions that were replaced. See Graikos v. Romanus. ____________________ Review #2 by Becky Yay, another Welsh senshi. They're the bestest anyway *holds up Blodeuwedd flag*. Fifteen seems to be a popular age for the Welsh senshi...at least it means Lily won't get lonely. Poor Rita. Her father's a jerk. At least he has a weird face from those injections... The skills are interesting, and I *love* the fascination with tabloids. The likes/dislikes work for me, as well as foods and subjects. I also like her colors...they remind me of Marie Antoinette for some reason. ...Pope beanbag toys. One moment please as my mouth drops open in awe. And the worst part is, people would do things like that, too. (Pope-along Cassidy! Pope-on-a-rope!). I like the history, although I'm not sure how long a divorce takes in England. Of course, since Aldrick's so rich, he could have greased the wheels a little bit. I like Rita. Granted, I feel sorry for her, because she seems so timid, but I can't help but like her. I also like the way she looks, although I'm not sure what aye-aye hands are, either. She's as pale as a porcelain doll....which again reminds me of Marie Antoinette...don't ask me why. Her clothes are inadvertently cute...I'm picturing a less enthusiastic Yomiko Readman from Read or Die. Her fuku is cute, although I'm not getting "divinity" from that. Of course, that's a pretty abstract notion. Although the rosary does shout divinity, I would like it to be something more Welsh, or Celtic. I would even accept something as simple as a modified Celtic knot over the rosary. The transformation itself is good, though. I like the attack "Incense Wave," although I also agree that three times a battle is too much. Just tone that down a little. "Ivory Tower Vertigo" is also great, although it amuses me as an Anthropologist because of its social implications. The guardian's name will have to change. I like his personality and everything, and although there is a connection between Rome and Wales, he needs to have a Welsh name. Just switch out "Constantine" for "Cunesadigh" or something, and you'll be fine. Tending for the Christian element is understandable, but I'm sure you could find some information on the internet. You already have the instincts, such as with the butterfly representing resurrection. Final verdict: I'm going to have to go with "Accept With Required Revisions." I really like this application and I had no troubles with the personality section or history or anything like that, and from the writing sample I can tell you can write. I did, however, have some problems with the senshi aspect. I would like to see her rosary turn into a more Celtic symbol, and her guardian needs to be renamed. The powers are not too problematic for me, because both incense and the iconography of a tower are common in many religions across the world. Generalized aspects such as that do not bother me, but specifically referring to Christian themes, ala the rosary, does. Although I would like to see her still attending church with the knowledge that she represents a pagan deity of divinity...that will be fun. Mwahaha! So, fix those two things up and you'll be hunky dory! I look forward to writing with you! ___________________ Review #3 by Cahira Ok, her Dad is creepy. -Really- creepy. I like that ;) Those likes/dislikes really get some of her personality across. And the tabloid thing is just cute. Hated/Favourite Subjects are well explained. Beanbag pope toys! If her Dad made a fortune, why didn't he choose to send her to a private primary school? Private school education would have given him a lot more control over her education, which I gather he would have wanted. I love her personality. She's such a conservative little oddball, isn't she? Um, is an aye-aye some sort of animal? I'm guessing her hands are quite long and thin then, or something. Earlier you pointed out that she dislikes makeup, but here you say she wears mascara and lip gloss. Does that mean she just dislikes wearing a lot of makeup, rather than just a small amount? Its a small thing, I know, but I'm picky ;) Her fuku is lovely. All sort of frilly and delicate, and just right for her appearance. The transformation is good, but the rosary is perhaps too christian for a Celtae senshi. Incense Wave Enrapture is a cool attack, but perhaps a bit too long. Cut down the amount of times it can be used, and how long it lasts. Ivory Tower Vertigo sounds like a lot of fun. I've got no problems with it. I like the guardian. Just change his name to one more suitable and he's all set. The writing sample is brilliant too. All in all, I'm going to say ACCEPT WITH REQUIRED REVISIONS. Alter the length of Incense Wave Enrapture, add in a few more celtic elements to your senshi's powers and change the name of your guardian and the app will be perfect.