E-mail: sailor_dafne@hotmail.com Webpage: www.geocities.com/sailor_dafne Rating: PG-13 By: Dafne Standard disclaimer applied. Advise: If you are a sensitive person, go get a box of kleenex before you start reading, you might need it... Rose's tears Chapter 5: Deathly wishes Wednesday (8:45 PM) As soon as we enter Usagi's room we all stop dead in our tracks. I think I've never seen such a depressing and heartbreaking sight in my entire life. Usagi is lying on the bed with the covers up to her chest, and despite the dim moonlight I'm able to see for myself what Dr. Ohara told us just a few moments ago: the dark stain smearing the bandage clearly proves that her hands are still bleeding. On the inner part of her right elbow she has a hose that I suppose is supplying the physiological saline solution. I remove my gaze from her for a while to direct it towards the machine placed on top of the table near her bed's left side: a cardiograph. According to its lecture, her heartbeat is steady and for that I'm grateful... As I let out a sigh of relief, an almost imperceptible sob attracts my attention. I turn around to see Ikuko crying on her husband's shoulder, who is instinctively rubbing his hands up and down his wife's back while staring blankly at his daughter, unable to speak himself. The girls are saying words of encouragement to the broken hearted mother in order to calm her down, but apparently they're failing miserably. Just when I am about to interfere, Dr. Ohara enters the room "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I do believe this has to be done as soon as possible" he turns to Kenji with an apologetic look on his face "Mr. Tsukino, could you please come with me?" I'm almost certain that Kenji didn't hear a thing, for he was too absorbed staring at Usagi and trying to comfort Ikuko at the same time, however, I guess that hearing his name makes him come out of his reverie. Turning his head in the direction from where the voice had come, he makes eye contact with Dr. Ohara. The latter doesn't need to repeat his request, for Mr. Tsukino has somehow figured it out. Without saying a word, Kenji nods and then looks down at the tear- stained face of Ikuko, whose hands are clutching her husband's shirt as if they were holding on to dear life. Smiling tenderly at her, Mr. Tsukino kisses her forehead and then grabs both of her hands to give them a gentle and reassuring squeeze. With an equally tender (if somewhat reluctant) smile, Mrs. Tsukino steps back and lets her arms fall to her side, a gesture which is obviously meant to be Kenji's cue to leave. Mr. Tsukino walks towards the doctor, and the latter opens the door for him and then extends his right arm "Shall we?" he asks and Kenji replies by stepping out of the room. Ikuko watches the door close behind Dr. Ohara before turning around to face once again her daughter's wilting body. From her trembling lips and shining eyes I can tell she's about to break down once more, but she's evidently aware of that because she immediately covers her mouth with her right hand in an attempt to silence her sobs, even though there's nothing she can do to stop her tears from flowing down her face. Standing next to the woman in despair, Makoto, Minako, and Ami look at each other trying to figure out what to do. Mako-chan is the first one to glimpse in my direction, her eyes begging me to do something. I sigh and nod at her before walking towards them. As soon as I'm close enough, I reach out for Mrs. Tsukino and when she fixes her gaze on me I give her a reassuring smile. "Ikuko, you're exhausted, I think you need to rest. Don't worry about Usagi though, I'll take care of her." She lets her hand fall to her side before replying to my suggestion "But..." "Rei's right, Ikuko" says Makoto, cutting her off "What would Usagi think if she sees you in this condition? Come on, let's go get something to eat at the cafeteria, I'm starving!" she exclaims in an attempt to lighten up the mood. After a minute of tense silence, Mrs. Tsukino finally agrees, if somewhat hesitantly, by giving a small nod with her head. Mako- chan puts a comforting arm around her shoulder and leads her to the door. As soon as they're out of sight I turn my attention back to Ami and Minako. "Please leave us alone, I need to talk to her... privately" I say gently, but firmly. Sensing Minako-chan is about to protest, I shake my head so as to silence any further objections. Ami, being a rather understanding person, grabs Minako by the arm and starts to drag her away. I stare after them until I see Ami close the door behind her, but not before she gives me an encouraging smile. I return the gesture and then it's just Usagi and me. For a while I just face the closed door, not wanting to turn around and gaze at my best friend's limp body, knowing perfectly well that without someone else's support I'll burst into uncontrollable tears. Finally, after gathering all of my will power, I start walking towards the bed with my head bowed. Once I'm standing next to it I look up and whisper shakily "Usagi?" * * * * * Darkness. That's all my eyes can perceive. Coldness. My body shivers from it. Pain. My heart can't stand it any longer. Loneliness. My soul is missing its other half... I begin to walk through the thick gloom surrounding me, but after a while I finally realize that everything is pointless because I'm not getting anywhere and I'm just losing the little strength I have left. So thinking, I fall to my knees and begin to sob miserably. All of a sudden a comforting warmth pours over my tired body and shattered spirit. Compelled by an unexplainable force, I open my eyes to find myself engulfed in a dazzling light. Gathering enough energy to lift my head, I find its source instantly. Standing regally among the shadows there's a portal casting its white brightness all over me. The glow's power easily overwhelms my own and I surrender. However, this force does not appear to seek my downfall, quite the contrary, little by little it's restoring my strength. There's no more darkness, my shudders are already subsiding, I don't seem to remember what was the cause of my anguish, and the gap in my soul has somehow been fulfilled. The soothing radiance is inviting me and, since I have my energy back, I stand up to begin walking towards it; however, just when I'm about to cross the threshold I hear someone calling my name. I stop. "Usagi" it's a female voice and even though it sounds somehow familiar I still can't recognize it. Shaking it off I step forward, only to be halted once more "Usagi" there it is again, barely above a whisper. Now determined to uncover the spokesperson's identity I start searching through my mind. The effort of doing so makes my head hurt, but being the stubborn individual that I am, I continue with my task. While rummaging around I'm assaulted by tons of emotions that I didn't expect to find. Everything around me starts to spin and then it suddenly becomes uncharacteristically static. "Usagi" Gasping for breath, I open my eyes. A lonely tear makes its way down my cheek for with the knowledge of the girl's identity all my memories come back full force, along with the searing pain that my body had just forgotten. Letting out an agonizing scream, I shut my eyes and fall down to my knees once more, but not before I realize that the portal that was once standing in front of me has already disappeared. I clutch my right hand to my chest for I feel as if my heart is being ripped apart by thousands of sharp claws, however, no matter what I do, the sting just won't go away. "Usagi!" Rei's voice is no longer a whisper and its tone is clearly tinged with concern, but I cannot bring myself to open my eyes, I'm too afraid to see what lies before me. "Usagi! Usagi! Wake up!" she screams at me, her concern has quickly turned into desperation. At first I hesitate, for I don't know what to do anymore, but after a while I finally make up my mind... * * * * * It seems that Usagi is sleeping profoundly, for she hasn't stirred even though I've called her name twice. I put my hand on her shoulder and try once more, but there's still no response. Although I'm determined to talk to her, I decide that it would be more reasonable if I just wait for her to wake up, because considering her present condition I really don't know what her reaction will be if I force her to do something she's not ready to do. I start looking for a chair I might be able to put next to her bed, but as soon as I spot it an increasingly rapid beeping sound makes me turn around. It doesn't take me long to discover its source: the cardiograph. My eyes widen in realization and the next thing I know is I'm shaking Usagi's shoulders, willing her to wake up. She's having difficulty to breath, I can tell that from her gasps and the abnormally way in which her chest is rising and falling. Her forehead is now covered in sweat and her whole body is trembling. The patterns reading her heartbeat are quickening with each passing moment and I am afraid they will soon become a never- ending horizontal line... Dread makes my whole being shudder, but fortunately my mind reacts swiftly. I start shaking my friend's shoulders more vigorously than before, yet when she still doesn't respond to my aggressiveness I have to resort to the only thing I have left... my lungs "Usagi!" I scream full force but there's still no response. Trepidation has now taken hold of me, yet I still have hope "Usagi! Usagi! Wake up!" When, in spite of everything, she doesn't react, my eyes start to well up with tears. Since I can no longer speak I simply keep shaking my friend. Just when I'm about to give up and break down, she utters a small gasp and opens her eyes abruptly. Not being able to stop myself, I start sobbing from relief. Usagi looks up at me and offers me a smile, yet I'm not sure if that's the way I should call it. Usagi's smiles are supposed to be cheerful, lively, true, things this ghost of a smile I see across my dearest friend's face is not. Usagi's smiles are meant to brighten up your day, this ghost of a smile has only heightened my anxiety for her. Usagi's smiles always come with a hearty laugh, this ghost of a smile is followed by a painful grunt. * * * * * As soon as I open my eyes, the realization of my whereabouts hits me. The room is still the same, but I have the feeling that I am no longer the only one in it. My suspicions are confirmed the moment I hear the unmistakable sound of someone sobbing. I turn my head slightly to the side to stare into the violet depths of Rei's eyes, which are presently awash with tears. It is not so hard to guess what (or rather who) is the cause of her sadness: I imagine I do not look very presentable... In an attempt to cheer her up I force my lips to curve slightly up, even though I'm sure she will immediately notice that it's just a fraud. As I watch her face become more and more worried I know I have not been disappointed. I'm about to say something when a sudden stab of pain makes me double over and let out a groan, actions that obviously stop me from keeping up the pretense. "Usagi?" I hear Rei ask softly "Are you okay?" Grinning cynically I simply reply "Of course, what could possibly be wrong with me? * * * * * Even though I'm still worried, it's good to know that my friend hasn't lost her sense of humor. "You are incorregible, you know that?" I say while shaking my head and smiling in disbelief. My comment was supposed to make Usagi smile, and yet it had the exact opposite outcome. She suddenly turns away from me, but not before I'm able to see her sad expression. I hear her sigh and mutter softly "Yeah, I know." Biting my lip, I sit on the bed and take her left hand within mine, careful not to touch her wounds. Usagi faces me once more, but this time she's no longer pretending to be okay. Sensing that a loud conversation wouldn't be suitable for this particular situation, I continue talking in a whisper "Usa, what happened?" Usagi tears her gaze away from mine to direct it towards the hand I've taken a hold of. She stays quiet for a while before finally replying in the tone we have now apparently established "I just got some minimal scratches; nothing you should worry about" Doing my best at keeping my self-control in check and in hopes of receiving a clearer response, I rephrase my question "If that's so, would you be kind enough to explain to me how such 'minimal scratches', as you like to call them, could possibly bring you to a hospital's emergency room no less? Come on Usagi, there's something you're not telling me!" "My parents are just overreacting, that's all" she says with an unnerving calmness. Her nonchalancy for her present critical state completely dissolves my coolness and I can no longer keep my tears from running down my cheeks; my once soft voice suddenly becomes a desperate cry "You're wrong Usagi, your parents aren't being exaggerated! We have just talked to your doctor and he's said that if your hands don't heal soon you'll probably bleed to death. Do you know what that means?" When she doesn't say anything and just looks up at me, seemingly undisturbed, I lose it "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!" "Yes, I hear you quite well Rei. You're practically yelling at me" she answers sarcastically. I drop my head to my chest in defeat and start crying, for the tears are now practically choking me and I know I have to let them all out before attempting to use my voice again. A couple of minutes later I finally manage to mutter softly "I have just told you in the boldest way I can think of that you might leave us forever very soon and you don't even seem to care" When I lift my head I notice that she has turned away from me and has taken a fetal position. I sigh, regretting my last words "I'm sorry Usagi, I shouldn't have been so tough on you" I say, at the same time I put my hand on her shoulder to offer comfort "but for Christ's sake! What has happened to you?" * * * * * As I listen to Rei's words I cannot help but wonder what was the doctor's explanation for this apparently baffling hemorrhage, because I very much doubt he guessed its real cause; and yet, no matter how logical he might have sound, somehow I know that my raven-haired friend didn't believe a word because she's expecting the details from me. I already know what set off this uncontrollable bleeding and I certainly understand why it did so; however, I'm still unsure of how that was possible, and since I'm certain Rei is going to ask for a convincing and thorough enlightenment, I begin to analyze the matter at hand: The moment Mamo-chan broke up with me I lost faith, which is basically the source of my strength in battle. I knew that without it I could no longer be Sailor Moon, warrior of love and justice, for I had stopped believing in these two concepts, but I also knew that I couldn't leave, not yet anyway... not until my friends realized just how powerful they can be; I have noticed that they need me way too much when it comes to fighting evil, and though they are always lecturing me, every time there is a battle they always wait for me to finish the job, when they could easily do it by themselves. Venus, Jupiter, Mars, and Mercury have as much strength as I do, and they have proven it more than a few times, but they don't want to give themselves too much credit because they cannot erase the image they have of me as the Moon Princess, their superior, their leader; their devotion and trust towards me is actually quite strong, and even though they have sometimes tried to hide this feelings from me (especially my dear Mars), I'm not that easy to fool... Now, if I had lost the right to be Sailor Moon, how could I have managed to fight during these past two weeks? Well, it's really quite simple; since I no longer had the one thing that made me different from the rest of the senshi -namely, my never ending faith-, I had to resort to other methods that would give me enough stamina to keep using my power. That was why I experimented what I had heard my mother call a 'drastic and most convenient change in attitude'. Though no one said anything, I knew everyone was shocked with my newfound maturity. I, on the other hand, didn't consider this achievement something extraordinary; all I had done was give up my childishness once and for all. I had always wanted to hold on to the cheerfulness and innocence of a toddler for the rest of my life, and yet, somehow I knew that I would have to grow up sooner or later; I just wish it would have been later... So, in short: I had lost faith but I had gained wisdom; I no longer believed in love and justice and yet I continued fighting for it; I had given up my dreams and still I knew I must have hold on to at least one because I hadn't lost my power, which is merely the embodiment of my ideals. Now, if I take into account that my magic usually works from two different abodes (namely, my heart and mind) which blend together in the ginzuishou, it is not so ridiculous to assume that since the rose that started it all just happened to represent the love of my supposedly soul mate and I, one way or another I had managed to transfer half of my power to it the first time it had been given to me. As a Sailor Senshi I knew I had to keep on fighting evil, even if that meant I would have to stand up for ideals I no longer believed in. Then again, as Tsukino Usagi -a heartbroken teenage girl- all I wanted was to end up the pain that was eating me inside. Going from here, it's not so hard to decipher what this incongruity had caused: a part of me was fulfilling my duty out of pure habit while the other half was accomplishing my true desire: die. At this point, as I find myself lying on a hospital's bed with both hands bleeding, it's quite evident which side has won. Everything makes sense now: the what, the why, and the how; the whom is quite obvious... "I have just told you in the boldest way I can think of that you might leave us forever very soon and you don't even seem to care" I hear Rei say, effectively interrupting my line of thought. She then sighs and continues, while placing a hand on my shoulder "I'm sorry Usagi, I shouldn't have been so tough on you, but for Christ's sake! What has happened to you?" I let myself lie on my back once more and then close my eyes for a little while; when I open them again I notice that Rei is staring back at me, waiting patiently for the already expected explanation. I sigh, trying to gather as much strength as I can, and begin to talk in soft tones, for there is no point in withholding this any longer... * * * * * I had been listening to Usagi in silence, doing my best at keeping my self-control in check, but now, as she finishes her outrageous rationalization I simply let out all of my emotions in a reverberating "ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND?" Usagi merely stares back at me and *damn the girl!* allows her lips to curve into a sarcastic smile "Well, technically I am. Haven't I just told you that?" I return her stare with as much intensity, letting my hands ball into fists until I can feel the blood pump out of them "Usagi..." I growl menancingly. Finally understanding that this is not the time nor the place to be making shrewd remarks, Usagi sighs and lowers her gaze "I just wanted you to know what is happening, Rei. At this point I don't think I'll be able to change the current of events anymore than I can stop the sun from rising every morning. Besides, if am being completely honest with you... I don't think I even want to try." The moment she lifts her head I can feel a lonely tear make its way down my cheek. As she looks up at me I can see her eyes soften noticeably. "I know how much all of you care for me, but I can't help being selfish in this matter. Believe me, I have been struggling with myself for the past two weeks, but I can no longer keep up the pretense" she puts both of her hands to her chest and whispers brokenly "I don't want to suffer anymore, Rei. The knowledge that Mamo-chan only puts up with me because he thinks it's his duty to protect me is more than I can handle. I want to feel loved, not overprotected." I open my mouth to say something, but she beats me to it "I would like nothing more than to give good news, for the sake of those who love me, but I'm afraid that won't be possible. If I haven't been clear enough I'll try to be now: the doctor is not mistaken, I AM dying" I put my left hand to my mouth in a vain attempt to smother a sob. Seeing this, Usagi holds out her hands for me to take. Sitting next to her I accept what she's offering me with extreme care. Much to my surprise, Usagi gives my hands a friendly squeeze before resuming her speech. "I'm sorry for being so blatant, but I can't think of another way to say this." Usagi lowers her gaze while letting out a mournful sigh "Well, now that everything's out in the open I guess it's time I ask you a favor" Sensing my incomprehension, she looks up to find me staring back at her with my left eyebrow raised, a gesture meant to indicate that I am waiting for her to continue. She takes the hint. "I need you to become the Senshi's leader" If Usagi had meant to take me off ward she had succeeded quite nicely, for whatever I had been expecting, it certainly wasn't this. I think I must have given her the impression that I was about to object, because she resumes her talk almost immediately, before I have the chance to utter even the slightest sound "I know how you've always wanted to be the one in charge, so now I'm giving you the opportunity." "B-but Usagi..." I start to protest, yet before I can finish Dr. Ohara interrupts me. "Miss Tsukino! This is quite a surprise, I didn't expect to find you awake. How are you feeling?" After loosening her grip on my hands, Usagi tears her gaze away from mine in order to establish eye contact with the doctor. "I am perfectly fine, Dr..." "Ohara" is the instant reply "Excuse me my dear, but let me assure you that I am not one who tends to forget good manners. Anyway... it's good to hear you're feeling well" Despite the doctor's apparent cheerfulness, I can see quite clearly that the smile doesn't reach his eyes. As if my thoughts had somehow attracted his attention, Dr. Ohara turns to me "Ah, miss Hino, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave the room for a while. We need to prepare miss Tsukino for the blood transfusion." I hear Usagi sigh after this last statement, and I can almost sense her thoughts *What is the point of delaying the inevitable?* they say. Trying not to give in to my weaknesses I smile politely at the doctor "I understand, but you will tell us when we can see her again, right doctor?" "You can count on it miss Hino. And don't worry about your friend, I can assure you she's in good hands" Dr. Ohara states reassuringly with an equally polite smile. "I do not doubt it" I say softly, beginning to walk away. However, before I reach the door, I stop and glance back at Usagi, who has now turned her face towards the window "But... will that be enough?" I whisper to myself. Last revised: Monday July 16th, 2001. 11:02 AM To be continued...