E-mail: sailor_dafne@hotmail.com
Homepage: www.geocities.com/sailor_dafne
Rating: PG-13
By: Dafne

Standard disclaimer applied.

Please read the AN at the end. Thank you.

Rose's tears
Chapter 4: Hopelessness

Wednesday (8:30 PM)

"Mr. Tsukino, do you happen to suffer from hemophilia?" 

Kenji tears his gaze away from the wall and turns to stare at the 
doctor with his brows furrowed and an understandable bewildered 
look in his eyes "I beg your pardon?"

"I know you're shocked, Mr. Tsukino, but I assure you that the 
whole staff working at this hospital is even more confused by your 
daughter's disease"

"But why would you want to know if I have hemophilia? What does 
that have to do with my daughter?"

Before he can continue asking questions, Ikuko cuts him off with 
one of her own "And most importantly, what do you mean by saying 
that my daughter has a disease? She only cut herself, she's not 
sick."

The doctor sighs while running his fingers through his disheveled 
brown hair and then looks at her pitifully before continuing with 
his explanation. "Well, Mrs. Tsukino, since we haven't been able 
to stop your daughter's bleeding we have come to the conclusion 
that she must have a disorder related to her blood's coagulation. 
It might not be hemophilia, but since the rest of hemorrhagic 
illnesses that we know of couldn't possibly be the cause of such 
an abundant and incontrollable blood loss, I'm afraid that 
hemophilia type A is the only option we are left with."

It is at this moment that Ami decides to share her medical 
knowledge with the doctor "Even so, I thought that hemophilia was 
an hereditary disease which makes itself present from the very 
beginning. So how could Usagi suffer from it if she has never had 
any problems before?" she asks with her brows furrowed in 
confusion, an expression that manages to make me smile despite 
myself. *Dear old Ami! Always trying to find a reasonable motive 
for everything.*

With his attention now focused on my blue-haired friend, the 
doctor stays silent for a while, apparently looking for the right 
words to say, before replying to her question "I will not lie to 
you, young miss, and say that that is not true, but since this is 
a unique case all I can tell you is that, at this point, we do not 
want to discard the possibility that somehow her genetic 
information did not mean to set off this sickness unless a certain 
biological or chemical detonator presented itself. Of course this 
is merely a theory, but for now all we can do is come up with 
hypothesis that might lead us to understand miss Tsukino's current 
situation."

"And why do you need to know if Mr. Tsukino is an hemophilic? 
Isn't it women who transmit this particular ailment?"

"Well, that is partially true..." he begins, but stops mid-sentence 
as soon as he realizes that this has practically become a 
dialogue; besides, I suppose that our bewildered faces clearly 
show him that the rest of his listeners do not seem to have as 
much knowledge as Ami. With an apologetic smile on his lips he 
starts to explain what I assume my intellectual friend already 
knows "You see, hemophilia is classified among those sicknesses 
related to sex..." trying not to laugh at the reaction of both 
Tsukino's to this last statement, the doctor holds up his hands to 
keep them from saying anything before he finishes speaking "...which 
in other words means that this particular disorder is transmitted 
by one of the two sexual chromosomes, namely the X chromosome. As 
you probably know men have the combination XY, while women have an 
XX pattern, therefore a woman may carry the disease without 
suffering from it because the other X chromosome invalidates it, 
but a man that inherits the altered X chromosome will undoubtedly 
develop this sickness"

"So basically the reason why you're asking if Mr. Tsukino suffers 
from hemophilia is because the only way a woman can acquire this 
ailment is if the father is an hemophilic and the mother a 
carrier, am I right?"

It is after this last intervention that the doctor finally smiles 
at Ami in obvious admiration of her cleverness "That's right young 
lady" however, his smile quickly turns into a frown when he 
resumes his explanation "But of course that's only theoretically..."

"What do you mean?" asks Mako-chan.

Letting his breath out in a sigh the doctor continues in a softer 
tone of voice "Well, you see, when hemophilia was still considered 
a mortal illness the idea of hemophilic women's existence was 
inconceivable, because men with this ailment usually died at a 
very young age, which obviously meant they didn't get a chance to 
get married. However, with the evolution of medicine procedures 
hemophilic men can practically live as normal people, and yet, up 
till now there has never been a case of hemophilia in a woman; 
even though there could be several justifications for this, most 
physicians strongly believe that since a woman with this disease 
would need to have both of her sexual chromosomes affected, an XX 
combination would be mortal; if by any chance a baby with this 
characteristics were conceived, it would most likely die inside 
her mother's womb or during birth."

Gathering up my courage I decide to ask what I suppose everyone is 
wondering at this very moment "So you think Usagi might be an 
exception?"

"Well, it's possible. Besides, if we take into account what the 
young lady so helpfully pointed out" he says, motioning to the now 
blushing Ami "it is very likely that she got the chance to live 
because she was not meant to develop the sickness in normal 
conditions"

"And what if I told you that I do not have hemophilia?" inquires 
Mr. Tsukino with a distressed look painted all over his face.

Mirroring his expression, the doctor rubs his temples as if a 
headache had suddenly overcome him. "I was afraid you'd say that..." 
he pauses for a while and then looks up at Kenji with a reassuring 
look in his eyes, although there is a small hint of uncertainty 
within them "...still, there is a remote chance that you may have 
one of the two less dangerous types of hemophilia or at least some 
sort of disorder in your blood's components that could explain 
your daughter's strange hemorrhage"

"But... even if that was true, wouldn't I have already noticed 
something strange? I mean, I couldn't have lived so many years 
without me having some sort of complication. It just doesn't make 
sense."

Before replying, the doctor takes a deep breath as if trying to 
gather enough courage to speak "I admit it is quite unlikely, but 
it wouldn't be too ridiculous to consider the possibility that if 
you indeed have some sort of alteration in your blood, it might be 
so insignificant that you never thought of its effects as nothing 
more than the usual nose-bleeding or careless contusion."

"Well, then I guess we must wait for the test's results." Kenji 
says softly with a strange mixture of hope and despair written all 
over his face; however, when he suddenly furrows his brows, this 
look quickly turns into one of confusion "But that only takes care 
of my case. What about my wife? If my daughter suffers from 
hemophilia as you first suggested, wouldn't she have to be a 
carrier?"

"Well, since there is no way of knowing that I am assuming she 
is." then, addressing Ikuko, he continues "Even so, I would also 
like to perform some tests on you, Mrs. Tsukino."

Ikuko nods her head absent-mindedly, staring off into space, but 
she suddenly comes out of her reverie and turns to look at the 
doctor, her features doing nothing to conceal her apprehension 
"And once we know what is Usagi's disease...?" she asks, letting the 
sentence trail off and yet managing to make her meaning clear.

Running trembling hands through his hair, he replies in a soft and 
clearly hesitant tone of voice "I wish I were the bearer of good 
news, but I'm afraid it is my job to tell you all the truth. 
Finding out miss Tsukino's illness will only allow us to make more 
accurate hypothesis, but hypothesis nonetheless. As I already told 
you, the whole staff working at this hospital is clueless 
regarding Usagi's condition, and even if we do find what this 
strange sickness is we would still have to find out a way to cure 
or at least control it." he stops to take a deep breath and then 
continues "I know it is not a very appealing idea to think that 
miss Tsukino is suffering from a lethal type of hemophilia, and 
yet this is probably the most promising option because then we 
would at least be certain that the wounds will heal after a period 
of time, even if it's still indefinite; meanwhile we can perform 
blood transfusions hoping that her body won't reject them."

"In other words, you're simply making assumptions in the dark?" 
asks Ami, barely able to contain her alarm.

The doctor visibly cringes "Well, to put it out bluntly, yes."

Immediately after this most disturbing confession, a dreadful 
silence falls all over the room so that everyone is left alone 
with their own thoughts. I, for one, cannot get over the fact that 
my dearest friend's life is at stake. I don't want to accept that 
Usagi might not be able to cheer us up with her comforting words 
and kind smile anymore. Besides, I will certainly miss our tongue-
wars; as I recall the latter I cannot help but allow a smirk to 
lift the corners of my lips, however, it is quickly wiped out of 
my face the moment I remember what started this reminiscing in the 
first place.

In an attempt to keep my violet eyes from shedding even the 
slightest tear, I clench my fists tightly until I can feel the 
blood draining out of them. Nevertheless, my efforts are quite 
useless for two rebellious drops of salt water make their way down 
my cheeks. Seeing that there is no use in trying to hide my 
feelings I decide to let out all of my pent-up frustration: I 
pound both of my now whitened fists on the couch and stand up, 
staring intently at the doctor's stunned face. Then, before I know 
it, I start shouting at him "Excuse me, but I'm not going to stay 
with my arms folded waiting for the worst! I am not willing to 
watch my friend die just because you people cannot figure out 
what's wrong with her. You ARE going to find the cure for Usagi's 
disease, am I right doctor?" I ask, daring him to contradict me.

The doctor's wide-opened eyes are staring at me dumbfounded and he 
stays that way for quite a while before finally recovering his 
self-control. "I'm sorry miss," he says "but I believe that 
doesn't depend on me. Let me assure you that right now our 
scientists are working very hard on this particular case; we are 
all doing our best, but I don't think we'll be able to achieve 
what you're asking for in such a short period of time. Anything is 
possible, I'm aware of that, but at this moment we can't rely on 
luck, miracles, or fate, nor we can challenge science. So, 
unfortunately, for the time being the only thing we can do is wait 
and hope everything goes well."

While he was speaking my tears didn't stop rushing out of my eyes, 
therefore they're now swollen and my vision is a blur. "Is that 
all?" I ask him, containing my ragged sobs and trying to sound as 
calm as possible.

He looks at me with compassion and says "I'm afraid it is."

I suddenly feel as if I'm losing all my strength; my legs begin to 
stagger, but before I collapse to the floor Mako-chan and Minako-
chan grab me by the arms to give me support. Then they help me 
make my way towards the couch to sit and calm down. 

As soon as I settle myself I cry my heart out on Makoto's shoulder 
while she strokes my hair comfortingly. I can tell the girls are 
saying words of encouragement, but I'm too overwhelmed by today's 
painful events that I really don't pay attention to them. However, 
I do notice that they're crying too...

After a while, I finally manage to get a hold of my emotions, 
however my eyes are still burning and I can feel a lonely teardrop 
running down my cheek. I push Makoto gently in order to get out of 
her soothing embrace and then I stand up and wipe my tears away, 
before walking towards the doctor. 

When I'm about two feet away from him I offer him my hand. He 
looks down at it and then back at me with a confused look on his 
face. "Sorry for my rudeness, but I guess I wasn't prepared for 
this news. I'm sure you'll do everything you have at hand to help 
my friend. By the way, my name's Hino Rei" I say as I attempt to 
smile a little bit.

He smiles back at my sudden politeness and friendliness and then 
shakes my hand firmly "I'm Dr. Ohara, at your service miss Hino" 
he says.

I nod "Nice to meet you Dr. Ohara. Now... can we see Usagi?"

"Of course, I'll escort you to her room. Follow me."

*	*	*	*	*

(8:20 PM)

When I open my eyes I find myself lying on a bed that is obviously 
not mine. I turn my gaze away from the white ceiling to look at my 
new surroundings, whipping my head from side to side trying to 
memorize each and every little detail. To my right there's a small 
bedside table with a metal tray on it that has several medicine 
bottles, tablets, a glass and jug full of water, and finally the 
one thing I fear the most (even more than thunder) and makes me 
shiver just by the mention of it: a syringe. By now I've already 
figured out I'm in a hospital's room.

Frowning in confusion at this information I continue to examine my 
chamber. Also to my right but farther away there's a big window 
that leads to a balcony decorated by dozens of beautiful plants 
and flowers**. I turn my head away from this lovely sight to 
direct my gaze towards the TV set that is hanging from the top of 
the right corner ahead of me.

Once familiarized with this disturbingly white and somewhat 
sinister panorama, I try to recall what could have brought me 
here. At first it seems as though there is a gap in my mind, but 
as soon as I feel the bandages on both of my hands everything 
comes back to me.

I do not have to look down to know that the cloth trying to stop 
the flow of red liquid is not helping at all. As I close my eyes I 
let a small bitter smile grace my lips, because all of a sudden I 
realize what is happening to me.

Two weeks ago a certain someone shattered my heart, and if it 
weren't for the fact that this man is my soul-mate... I suddenly 
start laughing sarcastically at my train of thought, because it is 
simply confusing, painful, and ludicrous all at the same time; I 
mean, how could Mamoru be my other half if he undoubtedly abhors 
being near me? And yet, is it possible to love him so much when he 
has hurt me countless times? Perhaps fate has merely played a 
cruel trick on the both of us, making him deal with an immature 
young girl and making me suffer with unrequited love.

Nevertheless, even if we are not soul-bonded, the fact remains 
that if it had been anyone else I could have gotten over the pain. 
I tried to at first, but after several failed attempts I decided 
to give up and try instead to go on living. I shed tears every 
night, hoping that somehow they would help me forget, even if it 
was for just a little while, about the agony that seemed to 
constrict my chest, but every day that went by I felt as if a 
thousand daggers were piercing through my already bleeding heart. 
During all this time I must have determined to get rid of this 
anguish once and for all, because the rose that I had held in my 
hands this very afternoon finally made it possible. This merciful 
flower has helped me carry out what I had been so afraid of doing 
before. I now feel relieved, knowing that my torture will soon 
come to an end. And yet, there's still a part of me that doesn't 
want to surrender, that wants to fight against anything and 
anyone, even Death, as long as life doesn't slip out of its grasp. 
I know it will be sometime before my soul finally decides to 
welcome the eternal, sweet, and lethal embrace of Doom, but I'm in 
no hurry. I have already waited for two seemingly endless weeks, I 
think I can wait a couple of days more...

Feeling somewhat drowsy, I let myself fall into a much needed 
slumber when I suddenly realize that my thoughts have begun to 
wander through the unknown paths of hope. Even though I'm not 
entirely sure of why I allowed them to do so I certainly have no 
intention of stopping them now.

To be continued...

Finished on: Wednesday July 7th, 1999. 9:40 PM
Last revised: Sunday July 15th, 2001. 1:33 PM

Author's notes: I DID make a small research in order to write this 
chapter, but since I'm not actually studying medicine and my 
resources were mainly teachers and a not so recent medical 
encyclopedia I might have said something inaccurate. If you notice 
this I would greatly appreciate it if you could correct me (with, 
of course, the backup of a resource I can personally check out).

I'm really sorry if this chapter was awfully technical, but it was 
part of the storyline.

** I really don't know if there's a hospital room that looks like 
this, but hey! they're gloomy enough, don't I have the right to 
make them a little bit more comfortable? ^_~