Okay, I have a lot to say.  First off the disclaimer stuff.  I don't 
own Sailor Moon.  Clear?  Now, the hard stuff: this story is quite 
disturbing and deals with suicide.  I am in no way stating that this is a 
good thing to do.  Also this form of depression is probably more typical 
of an individualist society such as North America, then Japan, but as I 
am from NA, I used what was familiar.  I try to stress in this story that 
depression is not a simple process and that it was not 'caused' by 
Mamoru breaking up with Usagi.  No depression works that fast – 
depression has a number of factors and can't be started by a break up 
and 'cured' by getting back together.  I purposely change tenses and 
have Usagi contradict herself, in order to make it feel more like a 
stream of consciousness.  I do switch from Mamoru's POV to Usagi's 
POV, and I hope make that clear.  Last, I would like to say that this is 
not a cheery fiction but that it is also not typical of all my writing, so I 
hope I don't offend anyone to the point where you never read my stuff 
again.  The song I use in this story is horrible so that should be enough 
to tell you it's mine (J).  Please don't steal it!  Enjoy!
24/2/01
Skin Deep
 
I awoke out of a deep sleep because of a horrifying dream, a 
nightmare that I had been experiencing every night for the past few 
months.  God forsaken dreams, keeping me from her side, and making 
me hurt her so she'll stay away and be safe.  Not for the first time, I 
wonder if I'm doing the right thing.  I see her every now and then and it 
kills me to see how down she is.  Her smile is forced, her movements 
slow, and her eyes… they're hauntingly sad.  She drags her gold hair 
on the ground.  But she'll get over me soon.  She has too much going 
for her to let a break-up with a guy like me keep her down for long and 
she has her friends and family.  She'll be better off, I think.  Then 
again, how much do I really know about my angel?  Most of the time 
I've been with her we've been involved in some world catastrophe or 
another.  Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask have gone on countless 
missions and adventures together, but Usagi and Mamoru?  As a 
couple, we have had very little quality time.  Just those few blissful 
months after the doom tree fiasco, but before the dreams came…  Since 
I have little to do nowadays but think about her, I've been wondering if 
there's more going on with Usako.  I find myself wondering what goes 
on behind those big, blue, eyes of hers.
	" Do you really want to know?"
	Seeing as how I was in my own apartment, late at night, I was 
a little surprised to hear a voice.  Make that petrified.
	" Excuse me?"  I managed to get out.  There was a bright flash 
of green and red, and a figure stepped into my room.  It was too bright 
to make out any features, but the voice was cool and female.
	" Do you want to know what Usagi goes through, what she 
thinks and does?"
	" I… uh, can you do that?"
	" Yes.  I make this suggestion to help you decide what to do 
about these dreams.  I cannot stop the dreams from coming; they are 
not of my creation, so instead I offer you some balance.  I can help you 
see the affect of your decisions."
	" I'd do anything to get rid of these dreams but I don't 
understand what you're asking me to do", I said.
	" I will open a portal, it will show you all the events and 
thoughts of Usagi starting with her appearance as Sailor Moon up until 
the present hour.  You will be able to pause the 'tape' at certain times 
to think things over, but overall once you start, the show will not stop.  
I will place you in an area outside of the regular flow of time - that way 
you can watch without any time actually going by.  But I feel I must 
warn you that this is not a proposition to take lightly.  You may not like 
what you see, and because these events are in the past, you will not be 
able to have any affect over them."
	How could it be a bad thing to find out all about my love?  
This offering was like an answer to my prayers, a chance to find out if 
I'd done the right thing by breaking up with her.
	" I understand.  When can we start?" I said.
	" Whenever you wish.  You have chosen then?"
	" Yes, show me.  I understand the risks, but I'll do this for her.  
I'd do anything for her."
	" We'll soon find out if that's true", said the voice.  There was 
another flash of green and then I blacked out.  I woke up thinking the 
whole thing had been a dream.  However, my bed was no longer in my 
apartment.  It was floating in a featureless place – obviously the place 
where time had been stopped.  I assumed that meant I too would not get 
older, or feel tired.  At the foot of my bed was a whirling mass of 
smoke and flashy lights.
	" Hey, maybe this is the portal", I mumbled aloud.  Then I 
slapped my forehead because it was such a stupid observation.  I'm not 
at my best in the morning.  The vortex appeared to be two-dimensional 
since it was completely invisible from the side, as though it were a 
picture hanging in mid air or a tear in the fabric of space.  After my 
initial marvelling, I became perplexed since I couldn't see how it 
worked.  I was sitting on my bed staring right at it and nothing was 
happening except the aforementioned swirling lights and smoke.  Okay, 
where was the on switch?
	" Work, damn you.  Abracadabra, hocus-pocus, moon power", 
I said hoping to activate it while at the same time feeling glad that 
nobody was around to see me.  " Would you just show me Usako?"  
And suddenly the vortex spun into action, and before me I could see 
Usako, and I could hear her thoughts and all manner of things that 
should have been impossible.  There were big glowing buttons at the 
bottom of the screen too, that read PAUSE and START and END.  I hit 
the start key, relaxed on my bed, and watched her story unfold.
			***
	I can't believe I failed another test.  I swear I studied for this 
one, but I bet nobody would believe me.  Of course with a mark like 
thirty, I don't even believe myself.  Either I'm incredibly stupid or I'm 
lazy, those are my options.  God, either way it hurts.  
	" Arg!"  I cried out in frustration as I threw the test paper 
away.
	" Hey!  Watch where you throw your garbage!"
	Oh my God, I hit someone.  
	" Wow, I'm so sorry.  I wasn't aiming for you I swear.  
Sorry", I babbled, while trying to get my test back.  No need for anyone 
else to see my grade, but unfortunately I was too late.
	" A thirty?  Tell me are you stupid or just lazy?"  My own 
words coming back at me, reinforced by a complete stranger, were even 
harder to hear.
	" Shut-up and give me back my paper!"
	" Sure, I mean who wouldn't want to hang on to such a great 
test?  You must feel so proud", said the dark haired man sarcastically.  
He smirked and walked away.  I was fuming mad but by the time I 
came up with a comeback he was long gone.  Who was I kidding?  
Even if I got rid of this test and somehow got my mom to forget about 
it, there will still be other tests, and I'll fail those as well.  What if I 
don't pass this grade?  I'll be left behind and I won't even have Molly 
to make me feel better.  Oh well, I'll worry about that later, after I've 
killed some time at the arcade.
	I walked into the arcade, cheerfulness in place.  I love the 
arcade.  Nothing ever changes here, except maybe a new Sailor V game 
every now and then, and all your problems seem to fade into the 
background.  Or maybe it's the food that does that, since I love food 
too.  
	" Hey Andrew", I said.
	" Hey Serena", Andrew said.  " Come to give that game 
another try?"
	" You bet", I said.  I sat down at the game console and worked 
diligently until it was game over.  Glancing at my watch, I saw that I 
was going to be late for dinner, so I waved a quick goodbye to Andrew 
and took off running for home.  I almost made it home without falling 
when my foot tripped over something and sent me sprawling.  Since 
this happens on a daily basis, and because there was nobody around to 
hear me, I decided it wasn't worth crying over.  
	I looked around to see what had tripped me up and caused my 
skinned knee and saw a black cat with a funny bandage on her 
forehead.
	" Hi there kitty, sorry about that.  Clumsy me, just about 
squished you.  Come here, and let me take off this thing", I said, and 
peeled off the covering since it was obviously annoying the cat.
	" Hey!  That's our cat, get away!"  Shouted a voice.  Three 
boys, probably about twelve years old, were running towards me.
	" Oh, I didn't know she belonged to anyone."  The boys all 
looked at each other and smiled nastily.  The cat dodged behind my 
legs and hissed at them.
	" Well now you do, so move it."
	" Wait a minute, prove to me she's yours.  She doesn't look 
particularly happy to see you", I said.  I crossed my arms and tried to 
look threatening.  However, I'm a scrawny, short, blonde girl of 
fourteen years, and they out numbered me, so I wasn't really scary.
	" We don't have to tell you anything", said one kid, and he 
pushed me.  I stumbled, but managed to regain my balance.  As quick 
as I could I dropped my bag in order to pick up the cat, turned, and ran.  
They gave chase for a couple of blocks but if there's one thing I'm 
good at, it's running away from difficult situations.  I arrived home 
breathless but triumphant.
	" Serena, you're late, again!  And what's that you have in your 
arms?"
	I proceeded to explain, and though I thought my excuse to be a 
sound one, my mom thought something else.
	" How could you just leave your bag?  Do you think we are 
made of money young lady?  And that still doesn't explain why you're 
so late."
	" Sorry mom, I didn't think…"
	" That's just it, you never stop to think things through.  Oh 
well, I suppose it could have been worse, and the cat is pretty cute.  
You can keep her so long as nobody claims her and that you look after 
her properly.  I suppose your math test was in your bag?"
	I stupidly checked my pocket only to produce the ill-fated test.  
I had the perfect excuse but did I think to use it?  Oh no.  I leave behind 
my bag, with my lunch kit, my wallet (which was empty thank 
goodness), and my pens and pencils (no homework, because I'd left it 
behind this morning), but I had still managed to bring the test.  I swear 
it's a conspiracy.
	" A thirty!?!  You have got to be kidding me Usagi.  When 
your father gets home… well I shudder to think what he'll say.  You 
march yourself straight up those stairs and think about how you're 
going to fix this."
	Dejected I headed up the stairs, the cat following at my heels.  
I got to my room and flopped on my bed, wondering what the 
punishment would be this time.
	" Usagi, I have been looking for you a long time.  We have to 
talk", said the cat.  Frightened, I jumped off my bed and stared at the 
cat with the moon shape on her forehead.
	" Did you just say something?"
	" Yes, my name is Luna.  I'm a guardian cat from the long ago 
moon kingdom, and you are my charge, Sailor Moon."  I did the only 
thing a sane person would do in this situation: I fainted.
	I woke up to the sounds of an irate cat, bemoaning her fate as 
guardian of such a meatball head.  I've sunk to a new low - being 
looked down on by animals.  
	" What's going on?  I made not be the sharpest knife in the 
drawer, but I'm pretty sure cats don't usually talk."
	" If you would just listen instead of fainting, I can help", said 
Luna.  Luna then did what she called a mind meld, and some of the 
questions I had were answered.  She coaxed me into trying out my new 
identity.
	" Moon Crystal Power!" I said and was enveloped in a 
dizzying array of flashing lights.  In that first moment when I looked 
down and saw what I had become, all I could think was that this 
changed everything.  Confusing images flitted through my brain, while 
fear, disbelief, and uncertainty, warred for supremacy.  I didn't want to 
be this person – I wasn't supposed to be her.  Somebody had made a 
mistake, what could I do?  I couldn't even handle a regular life; the life 
of a superhero was even more out of the picture.  
	" This is your secret identity, Sailor Moon.  Nobody will 
recognize you while you are in this form.  It is essential that this remain 
a secret."
	" What about my parents?  I can't tell them?"
	" Absolutely not.  They would be in danger if your enemies 
thought they could get to you through them."
	" Enemies?"  I said, my heart sinking even further.
	" Of course, that's why you're here."
	I would have liked to have said more, I would have liked to 
have made it clear that I was in no way a fighter, I wanted to scream 
out the question Luna kept ignoring as though it were trivial; namely, 
'why me'?  Then I heard a voice, it sounded like Molly and she was 
crying out with fear.  
	" I hear something, my friend Molly", I said slowly.  I might 
hate this but I wouldn't let one of my friends be hurt because I couldn't 
suck it up and do my job.
	We took off towards the disturbance and when I entered the 
room, Molly was lying unconscious on the ground and standing over 
her was a monster.  I couldn't help it, I freaked out.  I didn't see how 
arriving dressed up as cheerleader was somehow supposed to give me 
the advantage over a very large monster.  I was still only a fourteen-
year-old girl, what could I possibly do?  Then the monster hit me.  I 
don't know I was so surprised but I was, and it really scared me to 
realize all the implications.  I needed time to think but Molly was still 
on the ground and the monster didn't care that I was crying…
	I tried to put my fears aside, and rose to my feet.  My knees 
were knocking and I felt sick, but I felt like I had to do something.  
Then a rose hit the monster and for the first time all day I felt some 
hope.  
	" Don't be afraid, you can do this if you believe", said a man 
dressed in a tuxedo.
	" Sailor Moon, take hold of your tiara and shout ' moon tiara 
magic'", said Luna.
	Since I had followed everything else she'd told me, I decided 
this was no different.  I completed the manoeuvre and the monster 
turned to dust.  I looked up for my saviour but he was gone.  I de-
transformed and went to help Molly.
	" Huh?  What happened?  Serena, what are you doing here?"  
Molly said when she awoke.
	" I was walking by and heard you cry out.  Someone named 
Sailor Moon saved you", I said.  Already I was being forced to lie to 
my best friend.
	" Oh, I wish I could have thanked her."
	As the days went by I got used to running out on my family 
and friends at strange times to go and fight youmas.  I got better at 
lying about my whereabouts and about why my appetite was greater 
then usual and my sleeping habits even worse.  At school, things didn't 
change much.  My teachers were accustomed to getting mediocre 
projects and half finished assignments from me so there was no 
difficulty there – except that I was doing twice the amount of work for 
the same result. 
	Molly and I were having some problems.  Nothing much 
really, just a general drifting apart as Molly started thinking I was a 
flake for constantly breaking off our plans, and I hated lying to her so I 
tended to avoid her too.  It still hurt.
	" Hey, Usagi, did you hear?  There's a new girl in class, from 
the brain farm."
	" Really?"  I looked into the classroom and sitting quietly at a 
desk was a petite, blue haired girl.  She was pretending to read a book, 
but I could tell she was trying to avoid talking to anyone.  No doubt 
because of the 'brain farm' rumours that were circulating about her.  
Well, as class clown and overall underachiever, it was my duty to help 
those with unfortunate labels.
	" Hi, I'm Usagi.  What's your name?" I asked.
	" Um, it's Ami.  Ami Mizuno.  Nice to meet you Usagi."
	" So my friends tell me you're really smart…" she blushed 
and turned away but I didn't want her to think I was teasing her.  " But 
then most people are compared to me.  I really love your hair, maybe I 
should get mine cut like that.  I bet it's easy to take care of…"  I rattled 
on and gradually Ami came around.  She started giggling when I started 
to explain the trials of having hair as long as mine, like for instance 
getting it caught in bus doors and then having said bus drive away.
	" Well, I wouldn't cut your hair anyway.  It's very pretty", 
Ami said shyly.
	" Oh, I can tell you and me are going to get along very well", I 
said with a laugh.  Unfortunately, class started and Ami turned out to be 
just as smart as everyone said she was.  I began to have my doubts 
about any developing friendship, since why would she want to hang 
around with me?  She'd want some intelligent friends to talk with.
	I later found out that Ami Mizuno was Sailor Mercury.  It was 
during another battle and I was thrilled to discover there was someone 
else like me.  Of course there was always that mysterious man in the 
cape, but I had no idea who he was.  Ami and I became friends, and 
although she was incredibly kind and gentle, I always sort of wondered 
if my predictions regarding our friendship (that she would find better 
friends) would have come true had it not been for our Sailor status.  
Days continued to go on, and although having another scout around 
reduced some of my work, I also had to be doubly on the alert to assure 
she didn't get hurt.  And there was the fact that Luna constantly 
compared me to Ami in less then favourable terms.  I don't know why 
Ami adapted so much easier to the business then I did, but Luna just 
blamed it on me.  Funny thing was, I was really desperate to prove 
myself to the cat.  For her to have come all this way to look after me 
made me feel special, now if only I could make her proud.
	It was a few weeks after the appearance of Sailor Mercury that 
we found ourselves at the Cherry Hill Temple Shrine on Sailor 
business.  It seems people were disappearing from around that area and 
Luna had a 'feeling' about the priestess who worked there.  The 
priestess was a girl our age with long, burgundy/black hair and violet 
eyes.  Or maybe I should say violent eyes, as she hit me the very first 
time I met her when all I was doing was thinking about how beautiful 
she was.
	" Evil spirit be gone!" yelled the girl as I approached.  I wasn't 
really expecting an attack and her foot connected with my head.  Next 
thing I knew I was waking up on a bed inside the shrine.  " Oh good, 
you're awake.  My name is Rei, I live here at the temple."
	" And you hit me because?"
	" Sorry about that.  I thought you were evil."  Well that makes 
me feel better.  
	" No problem, I guess.  Still, my head really hurts!"
	" Oh give me a break, I barely touched you!"  She said.  
Unfortunately for me, this girl who seemed to take an instant dislike to 
me (and an instant liking to pointing out my faults) turned out to be 
Sailor Mars.  So now there was another scout and Luna seemed to take 
an immediate liking to our little pyromaniac.  In fact at the end of every 
battle Rei would tell me precisely what I did wrong and then Luna 
would say something along the lines of "Rei's right, you have to start 
taking more responsibility".  Not that I minded really, but I was 
improving and nobody seemed to notice.  They just saw how far away I 
was from being the 'ideal' sailor scout.  Or maybe I'm being 
melodramatic.  Lately, I've found that I've been spending too much 
time brooding.
	" Snap out of it you moon brain!  Me and Amy are going to 
the amusement park, and I suppose you'll insist upon coming along…"
	I think Rei kept talking, but I tuned her out.  An amusement 
park; I could act like a kid and nobody would be able to say a word 
about it being unbecoming for a young lady, or a sailor in training.  
Finally a day to just relax.  
	We got to the park and the first thing out of Rei's mouth was,
	" I'm getting a bad vibe from this place".  We decided to split 
up and look for anything suspicious.  I'm not sure how it happened but 
I got stuck with Rei.
	" The train will take us all around the park, what's the 
problem?"  I asked.  It had been my idea to ride the little train that takes 
you around the park.  Because it was my idea, Rei thought it was 
stupid.
	" You are so lazy, it's unbelievable!" she yelled.  I didn't 
listen, but instead climbed on board.  Again, don't ask me how it 
happened but part way through the trip, with Rei grumbling behind me, 
the train jerked to a stop and I slid into the person in front me of me.  
How embarrassing!  And it didn't help that Rei was laughing her fool 
head off.
	" I am so sorry, I didn't mean to hit you, it was an accident", I 
said sincerely to the man I had hit.
	" Now that I believe, Meatball head, you've always been a 
walking disaster."
	" Oh no, not you", I said, but it was.  Mamoru, the same man I 
had hit on the head with that infamous test paper, was sitting in front of 
me smirking.  Ever since our first meeting, I seemed to see him 
everywhere.  Like Rei, it seemed he enjoyed making my life miserable.  
He teased me, he made snide comments; in short he made me want to 
avoid the arcade, my sanctuary, since he was almost always there.
	" Meatball head?  Why, that's the perfect name for her.  I can't 
believe I never thought of it before, her hair looks like meatballs and 
she has spaghetti for brains.  Meatball head!"
	" Hey, I'd never thought about the spaghetti for brains idea, 
but you're right it all makes sense!"
	" What is this?  'The enemy of my enemy is my friend'?" I 
screeched.  I really did not like the idea of my two tormentors teaming 
up on me.  This day was getting worse and worse – despite all my 
hopes that today I would be able to put things in perspective.  I needed 
a chance to deal with things, but the battles just kept on coming.  We 
defeated the enemy that day and when it was over, I felt so 
overwhelmed by everything that I didn't even stay to listen to Rei and 
Luna's play-by-play of my actions.  I went home and I cried.
	I cried because I was never going to be good enough.  I cried 
because nobody understood, and nobody cared.  Nobody had asked me 
whether or not I wanted to be a sailor scout; I was just expected to go 
along with everything people said.  I cried because I had no control 
over my life and I didn't know how to get it back.
	" Now why are you crying?  Honestly, you're going to be 
fifteen soon, it's time you started to act your age", Luna said, coming 
into my room.
	" I am!" I said angrily, before going in to the bathroom and 
slamming the door shut.  Was there no place I could escape?
	The next couple of days were harder then usual, but I don't 
know why.  I just felt like I was tired or something, but it wasn't as if I 
was sleepy.  More like I was worn out, depleted.  I was thinking about 
my current lack of enthusiasm when I caught a whiff of the most 
heavenly aroma.  My stomach growled, reminding me that I had yet 
again forgotten my lunch and that it was lunchtime.  I followed my 
nose and it led me to a tall brown-haired girl, with startling green eyes 
and a pained expression.  Melvin, the class nerd and gossip know it all, 
had already informed me that she was a new student who got kicked 
out of her old school for fighting.  I wasn't afraid of her though, I 
mean, as Sailor Moon I fought all the time and I could only hope that 
people didn't judge my personality on that one trait.  
	" What do you want?" she said.  Her voice was harsh but 
underneath that it was tremulous.  Imagine coming to a new school and 
having people stare at you all day.  I hate it when people watch me; it 
usually makes me have a klutz attack, which is why they're watching 
me in the first place.  Quite a cruel cycle really.
	" Hi!  I'm Usagi; you must be the new girl, Maki… Mako…"
	" Makoto.  Makoto Kino."
	" Yes, that's it.  Sorry I couldn't remember, I'm a bit of a ditz.  
Do you mind if I sit here?"
	" I guess not.  Aren't you… aren't you afraid of me?"
	" What?  Why?"  I asked, giving her my best wide-eyed 
innocent look.  The girl smiled and the frown fled.  She was really 
pretty I realized.
	" Forget it", she said.  Then my stomach growled.  " Oh, do 
you want some of my lunch?  I love to cook and always bring way too 
much."
	" Really?  Thanks!  I thought I was going to starve to death", I 
said.  The food was really good and I told her so.
	" Thank you, it means a lot to me when people say that.  
You're welcome to share lunch with me anytime". 
	I realize now she was just being polite but at the time, I was so 
thrilled that I had a new friend.  Someone to sit with during lunch while 
Amy was in one of her 'get ahead' classes.  Makoto was a strong 
person.  As I got to know her and found out all the horrible things that 
had happened to her during her childhood, it made me realize what a 
complainer I was.  She had never had a stable home life and then she'd 
lost both her parents in a plane crash.  After that she'd been passed 
around to various foster homes until she'd been allowed to live on her 
own.  It made me feel guilty for ever having thought that I had 
problems.
	When we discovered that Makoto was Sailor Jupiter, I was not 
as happy as I should have been.  I guess I wanted her to be my friend 
without feeling she had to be, but now I would never know if her 
friendship was genuine.  Still Jupiter was a great addition to our group 
and when Rei made her bid to be leader, Makoto stood up for me.  I 
remember that scene very well.
	I was walking towards the temple for our scout meeting, and I 
was early for once.  As I approached the door, I noticed the girls were 
already gathered and it appeared like they had been there some time, as 
though they'd planned a meeting of their own…
	" I just hate that I have to listen to that Meatball head when its 
clear she has no clue what she's talking about!"
	" But she is getting better", Amy said gently, " you should 
have seen her when it was just her and I."
	And I suppose all the monsters I destroyed on my own before 
either of you arrived were destroyed by pure luck?
	" Luna, should we even be talking about this?  I mean, she's 
Sailor Moon, she has to be our leader right?"  Makoto said confused.
	" I will not hold to tradition if it puts any of you in danger or if 
it creates too much tension.  I admit, I too am wondering whether 
having Usagi in charge is a good idea", Luna said, breaking my heart.  
" But of course, we must not downplay her importance.  She has much 
more responsibility and power then the rest of you, it is likely very hard 
on her."
	" I'm sure it is and that's why I think I should be leader.  I 
think I could handle it better – she'll get hurt if she keeps running 
around like a goof-ball.  Don't you think so Amy?"
	" I don't know, I think she deserves a second chance."
	Second chance?  When had I been given a first one?  I hadn't 
realized how much they hated working under my leadership.  I'd 
always sort-of seen us as more of a team anyway.  I mean, if there was 
an important decision to make then we all made it together, like a 
democracy.  We contributed by way of our strengths.  Then I thought 
further and realized that was the problem.  Amy was the smart one, she 
came up with plans; Rei was the courageous and insightful one; she 
always knew when something was going wrong; Lita was the strong 
one, the powerhouse.  Me, who was I?  I'm supposed to be their leader 
and yet what did I bring to the table?  Nothing; I just waved a stupid 
wand and healed people.  Not much effort required there except for the 
demanding energy resources of the crescent wand.
	"  I think Serena should remain our leader.  I'm sure she'll 
prove herself soon", Makoto said.
	" Well, maybe we should warn her that if she continues to act 
poorly, further steps may be taken?"  Amy said hesitantly.
	" The next time something goes wrong, I'm going to tell her to 
shape-up or else.  Speaking of that, she's late!  I can't believe that 
meatball head!"
	I was still standing outside Rei's room in shock.  Funny thing 
was, much as I hated the problems that came with being Sailor Moon, I 
didn't want them to take that away.  It was the one thing that me 
special.  There were moments when the monster would turn to dust, 
and the people it had attacked would raise themselves up and be so 
grateful that they were alive…  I would miss not being able to protect 
people.  I thought of going inside to the meeting, but eventually 
decided that I couldn't face them.  I knew if I looked at them, I'd see 
the disappointment and frustration that was inside me, mirrored in their 
eyes.  Or worse I'd start crying and be thought even less of.
	I went to the park instead and wandered around.  The light was 
fading as evening approached night and there weren't many people in 
the park.  I saw Mamoru walking down by the rose bushes and quickly 
dodged behind a tree so he wouldn't see me.  Unfortunately, he sat on a 
bench in front of the very tree I was behind, blocking off any escape.  
Since I was stuck there I took the chance to observe him.  He was really 
good looking I had to admit, and I could see why Rei followed him 
around, but there was something about him this evening that really got 
my attention.  His eyes looked so mournful, and his body language just 
added to the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt emanating from him.  
It made me feel bad for yelling at him all the time and for running into 
him.  Of course, the latter was beyond my control.  I couldn't walk 
twenty paces without tripping, especially if I knew he was in the 
vicinity.  He made me nervous – I worried about what he thought of 
me.  He sighed and then stood up, leaving a blood red rose lying on the 
bench.  I picked it up once he had left, the smell delighting me, but I 
pricked my finger on a thorn and drew blood.
	I went home that night and shut the door tightly.  I ignored 
Luna's persistent scratching at my door; I wasn't in the mood for a 
lecture.  I thought of my 'friends' who only seemed to see me in terms 
of what I contributed to the team, I thought of my family who thought I 
was ignoring them lately, I thought of Mamoru who would make fun of 
me if he knew that I was starting to change my opinions in regards to 
him.  I thought of everything I was going through and wearily pulled 
the covers of my bed over my head.  Sleep means oblivion, a respite 
from my thoughts; it didn't come.
	" Good morning Usagi, I made you your favourite breakfast.  
Eat up, and I'll give you a ride to school", my mom said.
	" Happy Birthday, Usagi", Shingo said unenthusiastically to 
me, when my mom started glaring at him.
	" Oh yes, how does it feel to be fifteen?" asked my father.  
	" Fine", I said, stuffing my face with chocolate chip pancakes.  
	" Of course, we'll expect even more from you now that you're 
a full year older", my father concluded.  He couldn't just wish me a 
happy birthday could he?  Just had to put in that extra little dig. 
	" Usagi dear, I want you home for supper tonight.  I'm making 
a cake and there are a few presents for you to open…"
	" Sure, of course I'll be home, why wouldn't I be?"
	Famous last words.  I was just getting out of school, 
ridiculously upset for getting a detention on my birthday but cheered by 
the thought of being with my family this evening, when I heard 
screaming.  It took me awhile to locate the source of the sound, but 
eventually I wound up down at the docks.  The other scouts were 
already there and transformed, so I did the same.
	" About time you got here", Rei said.
	" I was at school", I complained.
	" Only because you had detention", she replied.
	I stuck out my tongue at her and then turned to see what our 
situation was.  Hanging from a crane was… I?  No, it was a Sailor 
Moon look-alike and I think we all knew it was a trap.  What we didn't 
know was whom it was for.
	" Come out, Tuxedo Mask, or your girlfriend gets it", said a 
man appearing in the sky.  He had white hair and an evil expression.  
	" Hold it!  I am Sailor Moon, the original if you don't mind.  
What's going on?"  I yelled.  Okay, definitely not my best speech, but I 
was angry.  Nobody got to be Sailor Moon but me.
	" Ah, the scouts.  I'm Malachite, too bad I don't have time to 
get to know you better because you'll soon be dead", he said.  With that 
said, we became trapped inside a black bubble type thing.  Our attacks 
were useless against it and it kept growing smaller.  I remember feeling 
very scared at that moment.  The fake Sailor Moon turned out to 
Zoicite, another enemy, and it was all a set-up to make sure Tuxedo 
Mask arrived.  Meanwhile I couldn't tell Tuxedo Mask this and so I felt 
responsible for his trouble.  He always comes to save me, and now that 
had put him in danger.  The shield got smaller and we all started to 
panic when suddenly the shield dissolved.
	I looked around, and standing on a nearby building was 
another sailor scout.  She had flowing blonde hair, a red bow, and a 
killer smile.  I was very glad she was on our side.  With all five of us 
scouts, our enemies didn't think they had much chance I guess and 
disappeared.
	" Sailor Venus, is that really you?"
	" Yep, I'm really glad to finally be meeting all you guys.  And 
this is my cat Artemis."
	A sleek white cat with a crescent moon on his forehead just 
like Luna's appeared by her side.  Introductions went all around and 
then Sailor Venus had to leave.
	" She was like, almost rude", Rei said in regards to the new 
scouts rapid exit.
	" I think she's wicked cool", I said.  She kind-of looked like 
me, or rather she looked like the best possible me.  She had everything 
I was being criticized for lacking.  I stared up into the night in the 
direction she had gone, the stars twinkling.  Wait, stars?  Oh God, it 
was past nine o'clock.  
	" Well you would, I mean you have no manners at all", Rei 
snorted.  The rest of them laughed.
	" Usagi, I hope you realized that because of your rash 
behaviour you put the whole team in danger tonight.  I spent a week at 
Amy's hoping my absence would get you to think but obviously, 
nothing can get through to you.  How have you been spending your free 
time?"
	" Luna, I can't stay and listen.  I'm sorry guys, but I really 
have to get going too.  I'm going to be in so much trouble", I muttered.  
It wasn't the thought of getting punished, it was the thought of letting 
my family down that was making me upset.
	" Why?  Isn't your curfew at ten?  You just don't want to 
listen do you?" Amy said.
	" That's not it, I swear", I said.  " My mom planned something 
special for me and my family.  She specifically requested that I be 
home after school."
	" Well, maybe she can delay whatever she had planned", Amy 
said in a gentler voice.
	" But today's my birthday", I said quietly, before dashing off.  
I had to get home.  I had to make this right with everyone.  I hadn't 
missed a birthday in fourteen years and mom really loved these types of 
things.  Once again, I had messed up.
	" We waited for you."
	" I know, I'm sorry…  I tried to…"
	" We waited until the special dinner I cooked for you became 
inedible.  We waited thinking you would at least have the decency to 
call.  I don't understand what's come over you lately, Usagi.  I keep 
trying to convince my self that it's all a phase but…  do you know your 
father specifically requested the night shift so that he could be home 
when you came home from school?  He had to go to work not knowing 
where you were or why you didn't want to celebrate with us.  Are you 
going to tell me where you were?"
	Tears were welling up in my eyes.  I wanted so much to just 
crawl onto her lap like I did when I was little.  But I couldn't, and I on 
top of that I had to lie to her, again.
	" The girls, they, uh… threw a surprise party for me.  
Blindfolded me and brought me to Rei's house.  Makoto baked a 
cake…"  I said, my voice breaking.  Wouldn't it have been great if they 
had?  Then I wouldn't be here sitting and feeling like the worst 
daughter on earth.  Why did I have to be reborn if I was only going to 
be such a failure?
	" I baked a cake too", my mother said, wiping away a tear 
quickly.  " I guess I can understand that you'd want to be with your 
friends".
	" No, that's not it.  I just, I can't explain.  But mom?  Can I 
have a piece of your cake?" I said, wanting her to know I really 
appreciated all she did for me.  She must have seen the tears that were 
threatening to spill over in my eyes because I saw her hurt dissipate a 
little.  She pulled out a double chocolate cake with pink roses on it.  
Fifteen burnt out birthday candles were on top of it, congealing in their 
own wax.  We both pretended not to notice, and we sat at the table 
silently eating our cake.
	The next day at school, I got apologies from Makoto and Amy 
about missing my birthday.  We were walking home after school and 
they had promised me the biggest sundae money could buy at the 
Crown arcade as a belated birthday gift.
	" It's okay, it's not like I told you or anything", I said.  
	" Actually, you did a few weeks ago, but with all the running 
around and meeting Sailor Venus and all, I guess we just forgot.  
Anyway, we are really sorry and Rei has even promised to not tease 
you about your organizational skills anymore since… well since were 
obviously not much better", Makoto said.
	" And I don't know why I said what I said.  I'm frustrated we 
can't beat our enemies, and I think I might have been blaming you a 
little too much.  Forgiven?"  Amy asked.
	" Of course, you both are.  Besides, you know me.  Nothing 
effects me for long", I said glibly.  If only that were true, I couldn't 
help thinking.  Imagine being able to forget the tears in my mother's 
eyes, and to forget the silence that my father had greeted me with this 
morning.
	" Hey, watch it Meatball head", said Mamoru, as I walked into 
the arcade and collided with him.
	" Sorry", I said.  How often had I said that word in the past 
few days?  Too many.
	" Barkeep?  Your biggest chocolate sundae!  Chop-chop!" 
Makoto said, in a mockingly brisk voice.
" Yes ma'am!" said Andrew with a smile and a salute.  He 
passed Makoto the sundae, which was then passed it on to me.  
" Dig in, girl!"  I did not need to be told twice.  I plunged the 
spoon in quickly, artfully mixing the chocolate and ice cream in perfect 
symmetry and was just about to take a bite when,
" Don't tell me you're going to eat that whole thing by 
yourself?" said Mamoru.  He sat down next to Makoto across from me.  
I could feel my face heating with embarrassment.  He must think I'm 
such a pig.  I couldn't eat with him sitting right there.
" Oh what do you care?" I said angrily, lowering my spoon.  
How come when he looked at me I saw none of that sensitive, tender, 
side that I knew existed, but only malicious intent? 
	" You're right, I don't."
	" Oh, would you leave her alone?  This is her birthday 
present", Makoto said, seeing her gift was being ruined by the 
intervention of Mamoru.
	" Oh, it's your birthday?  Happy birthday, Meatball head", 
Mamoru said.
	" Actually, it was yesterday.  She turned fifteen", Amy 
announced.
	" So how did you celebrate?" asked Andrew, coming over to 
our table again.
	" I, uh, nothing much actually", I said quietly.
	" Ha, so little miss popularity got passed over on her birthday?  
Why am I not surprised?"
	" Shut-up!  You don't know anything about me!  Nobody 
does!  Thank you so much for the sundae girls, but I think I have a 
better use for it."  I pushed the sundae across the table, where it slid off 
the edge and landed in Mamoru's lap.  I didn't even stay long enough 
to watch his expression.
				PAUSE
	So that's why she did that to me.  I remember that day, how 
could I not when all three witnesses said I deserved what I got?  I'd 
forgotten how I used to tease her so badly, but at the time it did it 
because I thought she had everything, and yet wasted all that potential.  
She had a family, I didn't.  She had lots of friends, I didn't.  She was 
happy, I wasn't.  For the first time in my life I was learning what it was 
like to live someone else's life and the experience was illuminating.  
Finding out about Usako in particular, however, was disturbing.  So 
much pain, so much suffering, and uncertainty.  She had a family, but 
she was forced to lie and hurt them.  She had friends, but she thought 
they only liked 'Sailor Moon'.  As for being happy…  It was obvious 
she wasn't happy either.  I realized just how easy it was to take her 
bubbly personality as proof that everything was fine, and to dismiss 
that hurt look that haunted her eyes.  
	I wanted to shake the Mamoru in the images.  I wanted him to 
take her by the hand and tell her she was okay the way she was.  I 
noticed that when we criticized her fighting skills that they got worse.  
If she did horribly, we would make her feel so bad that she was terrified 
of trying again; if she did okay, we would tell her to get better making 
her feel like a failure; when she did perfectly, we didn't say anything, 
making her think nobody cared.
	I was beginning to understand the warnings that had come 
from the sender of the portal.  It was so hard to see her hurt and to 
know that there was nothing anybody could do about this now, that 
these memories would always be with her.  I almost wished I could 
stop watching, but from the way the pause button was flashing I knew 
there was more to see.  Breathing deeply to calm my fears, I went back 
to watching.
				END PAUSE
	I wished later that I hadn't done that to Mamoru.  Not because 
I liked him, although it was becoming apparent that I did, but because it 
was wrong for me to treat anyone that way.  I didn't know what 
Mamoru was going through, it was possible he was having a worse 
time then I was, so it had been selfish to take my anger out on him.  I'm 
sure it wouldn't have happened, if I could just get a decent amount of 
sleep.  I was so tired.
	I saw Mamoru walking ahead of me.  I hadn't seen him since 
the incident last week, so I squared my shoulders back and went to 
apologize.  I don't know what possessed me to slap him on the back 
and make a joke about there being a bee.  Maybe it was because I 
didn't have a clue as to how to have a regular conversation with him.
	" Thanks for getting the bee, Usagi, I hate those things.  I have 
to go now, see y'a", Mamoru said.  I noticed he was favouring his 
shoulder and realized I had just hit him where he was obviously hurt.  
In fact, my hand was red with blood.  No wonder he called me Usagi - 
he's disoriented.
	I followed him.  If he was bleeding then it was obvious he 
needed help, and unfortunately for him, I was the only one around.  I 
was right behind him when he turned on me and nearly hit me,
	" Usagi?  God, what are you doing following me around?"
	" You're hurt", I said holding up my hand.  " Believe it or not 
but I have some experience with injuries."
	" Of course, with all the falling over you do.  But look, I'm 
fine.  Just get out of here."  At that moment we were encased in a pink 
sphere of energy and brought inside a building.  I awoke to find 
Mamoru arguing with Zoicite.  Had they come after me and gotten us 
both by mistake?  Then Zoicite disappeared and Mamoru shook me 
fully awake as things started to collapse around us.
	" We have to get out of here!" he shouted.  We made it to the 
elevator, but even as it started going up it began warping into this 
hideous Negaverse style building.  It was also the slowest elevator I had 
ever been on.
	" So Mamoru, why are you after the rainbow crystals?  Oh, I 
guess that's pretty nosy, huh?"
	" I want to know who I am", he said simply.  He then 
proceeded to describe how he'd involved in a car accident when he was 
young, along with his parents.  He had lived but with amnesia.  His 
parents had died on impact.
	" I'm sorry", I said sincerely.  I knew there had to be some 
explanation for Mamoru's guarded ways, but I had never guessed it 
would be so tragic.  " It must be hard not knowing who you are".
	" I get clues", he said toughly.  His pose reminded me of one 
of Tuxedo Mask's but I then dismissed the idea.  Why would Mamoru 
spend his time saving me?
	The elevator lurched to a stop and then started to sway 
dangerously.  I must have screamed because Mamoru put a hand on my 
arm.
	" Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you", he 
said.  I looked into his eyes and saw such sincerity that I knew I wasn't 
just warming up to Mamoru – I was falling in love.  Nothing in the 
world sounded as good as having someone tell me they 'wouldn't let 
anything bad happen'.  Someone to drown out my dreams and to keep 
me from thinking too much; that was heaven.  The elevator shaft 
suddenly became ablaze with fire.  In seconds the whole thing would 
crash down.  I was going to have to transform.  I looked at Mamoru, 
and just hoped he wouldn't laugh.
	" Moon Crystal Power!"  I shouted, and transformed.  I got us 
out of there to find Zoicite laughing, thinking he had killed us.
	" Takes more then a measly fireball to get rid of Sailor Moon, 
you should know that by now!" I said.
	" Ha!  It's not you I want, but your friend Tuxedo Mask."
	" He's not even here", I said.
	" Yes, I am", I turned and saw Mamoru transform into Tuxedo 
Mask.  I blinked rapidly and yet the dream remained.  I wonder if he's 
disappointed, knowing I'm Sailor Moon?  As I was taking in these 
rather shocking events, Zoicite and Tuxedo Mask were gearing up to 
fight.  I should have seen the crystal shard that Zoicite had materialized 
behind us.  I should have been better prepared, just like Luna was 
always saying.  Unfortunately, since I always seem to mess up when it 
matters, I didn't see the shard until it had flung itself deep into 
Mamoru's chest.
	Everything seemed to go into slow motion.  I moved towards 
him as his knees buckled and managed to be under him so that he 
wouldn't hit the ground.  The mask tumbled from his eyes, and I knew 
when I was looking into his eyes, that things would never be the same 
between us again.  It felt like I was seeing my future in the blue-black 
pools of his eyes.  And my future was dying even as I watched.  I 
couldn't stop the tears from falling, why do people have to die?  Why 
did Mamoru have to die?  Didn't anyone see how wrong the world was 
when things like this happened?
	The tear on my cheek began to shine and all around me little 
jewels of coloured light began appearing.  Gradually they formed into a 
beautiful silver crystal – THE silver crystal that we had been looking 
for since I started this whole crazy thing.  We must be close to the 
princess I realized.  My crescent wand rose to the air, and the crystal 
attached itself as though it was relieved to be back where it belonged.  I 
don't know why but I reached for it and then my life got even more 
complicated – I turned into the moon princess.
	I heard the scouts arrive and gasp when they saw me, I saw 
Mamoru's eyes focus once more on me and he smiled, having finally 
found his princess.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't her, 
that somebody in the cosmos had made a mistake.  Then the memories 
began flooding in.  Okay, so maybe I was she, but still, me, Usagi, a 
princess?  Now how many people would I be failing when I screwed 
up?  The way Mamoru looked at me though was enough to make me 
melt.  I remembered clandestine nights on the moon, dancing under the 
stars.  I knew what it felt like to be held in loving arms and to be kissed.  
I wondered if it could ever be that way again.
	" Take a good look at your princess, it's the last look you'll 
ever get", said Zoicite vehemently.  I raised the crystal and aimed at 
him.  The damage was extensive.  I winced as the crystals backlash hit 
me.  No fooling, that crystal was one powerful weapon.
	The rest of the events happened in a blur and then I passed 
out.  I awoke later in time to hear Jupiter make a snide comment about 
my weight since she was carrying me.  They informed me that Mamoru 
had been captured; they informed me that we were trapped in the 
building, and they informed me that I should stop my snivelling.
	" But I don't want to be the princess!  Do any of you 
understand that?  I don't want to be a princess, or Sailor Moon, or 
anybody but plain old average Usagi", I spat out angrily.  Didn't they 
see?  Didn't they realize how hard it was going to be to live up to the 
expectations of a princess?
	" Gotta say, never thought you were much of a leader", Rei 
began.
	" Shut-up, Mars.  I know you want to be leader, I know you 
hate me!"
	" That's not true!  Well, maybe at first, but now I know how 
strong you are.  I'm glad you're our leader."
	" Yeah, me too", said Venus.  Well, I guess being the princess 
did have some perks.  It instils loyalty if not friendship.
	" Let's give her a break you guys, after all this is Usagi, and 
this is a very big deal", Amy said.  You try turning into a princess, 
wielding a crystal that could destroy the world, finding out the guy you 
were crushing on is the same guy you loved a thousand years ago and 
that he has now been taken away, and then you tell me how normal you 
feel Amy.  I thought I was handling it pretty well but then nobody 
asked me.  " Here's the good news, I found a way out of here."
	We headed for the exit but Malachite was blocking off our 
escape.  I took care of him and finally we were free.  Free to go back to 
normal.  I was free to go back to being Usagi, Sailor Moon, and the 
princess.  The thought of such 'freedom' almost made me laugh – it 
was all so ridiculous.  
For the next month or so the Negaverse did not let up.  Worst 
of all was the fact that Tuxedo Mask had been turned against us and 
was now working with the enemy.  I was still learning how to use the 
crystal, but even so every time he appeared I was supposed to try and 
heal him.  It was so hard trying to figure out how much power to use; 
too much and I would kill him, too little and it wouldn't work and I'd 
have to start all over again.  Besides that the crystal hurt.  It had to be 
powered by my energy and my emotions, but sometimes it seemed to 
reflect emotions as well.  When I cured someone who was afraid, I took 
that fear into myself.  When I tried to cure Mamoru who emanated 
hatred towards me… I would hate myself a little bit more afterwards.  
Disoriented, weak, sore, confused, I would come out of the attack and 
the first thing I would hear was 'you failed'.
	Those were the days when I first started to think that I 
couldn't go on like this.  Something was going to have to change or I 
was going to go crazy.  My friends tried to cheer me up but they 
thought I was sad because I missed Mamoru.  That was only part of the 
problem.  How could I tell them that I had been trying to find myself 
for so long that I had forgotten why was I looking?  There was no 
relief.  I would wake up, sore and tired, to be greeted with sighs from 
my parents because I was late and still not taking responsibility for 
myself.  At school, I would scramble to keep up with classes that were 
becoming increasingly foreign to me.  Maybe I could have been doing 
better but to catch up I needed time, and I didn't have that.  After 
school, instead of going home and getting some sleep and taking a 
break from the stress that was pulling me down, I had to go to scout 
meetings, where I was accused of not paying attention.  Couldn't they 
see I was just too overwhelmed? 
 After meetings, I would rush home to be on time for dinner, 
which was sometimes good and sometimes… not so good.  If I said 
little and ate quietly, then I could usually avoid more confrontation 
with my parents.  However, sometimes I would see my mom looking at 
me with this sad look in her eyes and the food would stick in my throat.  
Sometimes I would have to show them my grades or get them to sign 
something, and then my dad would give me with this angry, 
disappointed look.  At night, if there was no youma attack, I would shut 
myself in my room and do anything to keep myself from thinking.  
Then I would fall into a fitful sleep that was fraught with nightmares.
I said before that I thought something was going to change and 
in my optimism, I thought it would change for the better.  What 
actually happened was a final confrontation with Beryl, Queen of the 
Negaverse.  The ultimate in evil thus far and my greatest foe.  Needless 
to say I was frightened and knowing that the guardian cats thought 
everyone was ready to fight, with the exception of me, was hardly 
uplifting.  Of course, Luna did not expect me to hear that particular 
conversation.  I can't put into words what happened to me when we 
arrived on that arctic tundra and began walking towards Beryl's black 
castle of power.  How do I describe what it feels like when you watch 
your friend, the strongest of your group and the most supportive of you, 
die before your eyes?  I watched Makoto give herself up to save me, 
saw the green flash of light that told me she was fighting, and heard her 
whispery words in my ear that told me she was dead.  Still numb, I 
watched as Amy gave us time to escape while she faced the enemy 
alone.  I never knew such courage and then she was gone too, just a last 
haunting vision of a girl in blue.  I started to cry and I know it was 
hardly the time or place, but I couldn't stop myself.  Why couldn't I 
have saved them?  Why did I have to be as useless as everyone kept 
saying I was?
My weakness resulted in Venus, or Minako rather, getting 
caught also.  I turned away, not wanting to see her sparkling smile and 
boundless energy brought to a halt.  I knew she was dead too though, 
my heart felt her passing.  Then it was just Rei and I, running across the 
snow swept fields, both of us knowing we were going to die, one of us 
thinking it wouldn't be the end.  Her unswerving confidence and faith 
was something that had made me feel small in the past, but now I 
admired it.  Hell, I admired her.  And when she told me to go on ahead, 
I tried to be brave.  I saw her blood flow out into the snow and thought 
she would have appreciated such a noble death.  I turned away from the 
crimson snow and threw up.
I kept going somehow, intent on having their deaths count for 
something.  Visions, thoughts, hallucinations… I have no words to 
describe it but suddenly I was seated in front of Beryl, and at her side 
was Mamoru, in his Prince Endymion incarnation.  He tried to kill me.  
Fighting him was hard – I held back to not hurt him but he had no such 
compulsion.  Torn and bloody, I used every weapon in my arsenal 
trying to bring him back.  In the end it worked, and for one brief 
shining moment I saw him look at me with his real eyes.  Then Beryl 
attacked and he left me… died again.      I was alone.  My friends were 
dead, my protector was dead, and inside I was dead.  But I fought.  I 
did not give up and I funnelled everything that was in my heart into that 
crystal.  I did not matter, what mattered was that this evil was destroyed 
and I found strength in that.  We did it, as a team through faith and 
willpower.  Beryl was destroyed and we went back to earth, awaking 
without a single memory as to what had happened.
            The words in capital letters are meant to show the buttons on 
the vortex screen.  For the sake of the story I am severely messing with 
the real ending to Sailor Moon R – sorry.  In my version, Chibiusa is 
only loosely connected to the story, i.e., she is not needed to defeat the 
evil and a trip to the future to save you know who, is definitely not 
going to happen.  She's just hanging around, making life miserable, and 
the Dark Moon family are just bad guys out for no good, okay?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------
                                         
                                                           PAUSE 
	A few tears rolled down my face.  I'd never considered myself 
to be lucky during that part of our lives - the time when I'd been 
brainwashed.  Looking back, I realized all the things I hadn't had to 
feel.  I couldn't imagine how I would react if one day Usako turned on 
me.  To see her struggle so hard to get me back, when she couldn't 
even be sure how I felt about her.  And the deaths…  I hadn't realized 
she had been there to witness the deaths of her friends.  To feel so 
much, and then be expected to be able to push it all to the back of your 
mind and fight.  I don't know how she did it even though I had seen the 
whole thing.  None of us truly appreciated how brave she was, I 
realized.  None of us had sufficiently thanked her for giving us back 
our lives.  If possible I loved her even more now, but I was also afraid.  
I could see how fragile she was and that she had so very little self-
confidence.  Much of her exuberant personality was a way of not 
feeling or thinking.  She would come into a room and smile her 
brightest of smiles and everyone, whether they knew her or not, would 
respond.  Then she wouldn't have to be reminded of anything bad, she 
could just pretend she was as happy as she made everyone else.  She 
was so brave not to let the world change who she was, but I could see it 
was taking its toil. One day, that pain she kept hidden was going to 
come out and I didn't know if she would be able to handle it.
" I'm so sorry, Usako, I didn't know.  You should have told 
me.  I should have let you tell me", I breathed into the silence.  I 
sighed, and released the pause button.  I had a sinking suspicion that 
things were not going to get much better for Usako.
		END PAUSE
Cardions.  That was the name of the new enemies that were 
attacking my fair city.  Luna had returned me the memories of Sailor 
Moon in order to confront this new threat.  The others were still 
unaware that they were Sailor Scouts and Mamoru…  Mamoru had 
forgotten who I was again.  Only it was even worse because he no 
longer even wanted to argue with me like in days gone by.  I wasn't 
worth spending any time with at all.  I missed having the scouts around, 
even if I sometimes I questioned there friendship, because now I had 
nobody whatsoever to distract me from myself.
I pleaded with Luna not to revive the others though, because I 
knew how badly I wanted to be just a regular girl, how could I deny 
them that right?  Of course, my time as sole Sailor Scout lasted barely a 
few weeks because there were simply too many cardions and I became 
utterly exhausted.  I actually would up at the doctor's office after 
fainting on the way to school.  My father ordered a toxin screen while I 
was there – they apparently thought my erratic behaviour might be 
blamed on drugs.  Naturally, the doctors could find nothing wrong with 
me, and I was allowed to go home where I got two glorious days off 
school.  I slept so deeply that I didn't even dream and I remember 
waking up on the second day feeling like I was finally going to be rid 
of the weight on my shoulders.  I could breathe and I felt like I could 
handle anything.  Unfortunately, my good mood was highly noticeable, 
and my parents sent me straight back to school where I was given 
masses of work from the days I had missed, and that night there was a 
particularly strong cardion.  I could practically feel the weight on my 
shoulders come back, and with interest.
Luna then revived the other scouts to help me, and Rei made a 
snide comment about saving my butt yet again.  I was so thrilled to see 
them, that I let it go that I had destroyed Beryl, and the first dozen or so 
cardions by myself.  There was still no change in Mamoru's memories 
and I couldn't help but wonder if he was unconsciously repressing 
them.  Maybe when he had found out that Sailor Moon and his 
princess, were actually me that he decided those were memories he 
didn't want back.  It hurt though, to see him everyday and to know he 
wasn't thinking about me after all we had gone through, after all I had 
gone through, to get him back.
The battle with the cardions came to a head, when we 
discovered the existence of a 'Doom Tree' – a tree that absorbed 
energy and fed it back to two aliens who were its protectors.  We knew 
the aliens as Ann and Alan from our school.  I was pretty sure Mamoru 
had a crush on Ann so I was almost glad to discover she was an energy 
sucking alien I could destroy.  The tree wasn't really evil, however, and 
in the end I had to cleanse everything of the negative energy, including 
Ann and Alan.  They left together with a pure seedling of their once 
great tree.  I was left with a migraine, burn marks up my arms, and a 
Mamoru who was trying to piece together a fractured psyche.  That's 
when he turned to me though, saying almost reverently, " Meatball 
head?"
I would have liked a more romantic revelation but I was so 
tired that I just nodded.  He put his arms around me which sort-of 
surprised me.
" What?"
" I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.  I missed you", he said.
I started to cry.  By now, it's probably obvious that I do this a 
lot.  I guess its how I release all the pent-up emotions I seem to have.  I 
wasn't even sure if I was crying tears of joy, tears of relief, or tears of 
anger because I wasn't handling this right.  But I swear nothing felt so 
good as to have Mamoru, (excuse me, Mamochan), whisper soft, 
shushing noises in my ear as he held me.  Then the scouts had to 
interrupt us, but then, that's the story of my life.
Looking back, I think those first few days after the doom tree 
were the best ones of my life.  There was no enemy, so I was slowly 
getting caught up on my schoolwork again.  My parents were hesitant 
about this new maturity, having been constantly disappointed by me 
before, but it looked like things might improve in that department as 
well.  I still saw the scouts, which told me that perhaps they didn't just 
want me because I was Sailor Moon.  But by far the best part was 
Mamochan.  I felt so safe when I was with him, so trusted.  He made 
me think that there was something to all this fate and destiny turmoil, if 
it meant I could be with him.
Sometimes, at night, I would wonder what he saw in me and 
then worry that he was merely fulfilling his duties as proscribed by 
duty.  He was so handsome, and mature, and intelligent, that I never 
stopped worrying that I didn't deserve him.  He never gave me reason 
to think that though, so when I was with him I forget my insecurities.  I 
told him everything and I let him have complete freedom in deciding 
what we would do together.  My favourite thing in the world was to 
catch him off guard and see him smile.
I should have known that it wouldn't last very long.  I mean, 
when was the last time I was allowed to be happy?  The enemy this 
time came in the form of a little pink haired girl with my hairstyle.  
Okay, so she was actually whom we were supposed to protect from the 
enemies, the Dark Moon family, but the way I saw it, the trouble 
started with her.
Chibiusa, the little girl's name, literally fell from the sky, 
crashing into me and ending up in Mamoru's arms.  After this 
disastrous interruption of one of the few days I got to spend with 
Mamochan, I went home to discover she had infiltrated my home.  
Worse, everyone in my family had been brainwashed into thinking that 
she belonged, that she was a cousin of ours.  That made my outrage at 
finding her in my house, my home, look petty and immature.  My 
parents sided with this five-year-old they had just met over me, and I 
would soon discover that they always would.
So I want to make it clear that things were not going overly 
well for me.  To sum up: I was in danger of failing out of school, my 
parents had no trust or pride in me, I had questionable friendships, I had 
no self-esteem, I had a new 'cousin' who was in my house, and a new 
stronger enemy.  At least, I had Mamochan.  I couldn't be all bad if 
there was one person who saw something about me that was 
worthwhile, right?  
I was despairing but then I brightened because I was supposed 
to be meeting the object of my affection.  I hadn't seen him since 
Chibiusa had arrived, except very briefly when he'd been out 
running one morning.  That had ended with a meeting with my 
dad, which had gone over quite badly.  Since then, Mamochan 
had been hard to find and that was why I was so happy to be 
meeting him today.  And he had something to tell me…  I turned 
the corner and ran straight into my Mamochan.
" Oh that was such a majorly bad scene with my dad the other.  
I'm so sorry; it was humiliating I know", I rambled.
" That's okay, I guess.  Look Usako, we have to talk", he said, 
pulling away from me.
" O-Okay," I said shakily.  I think I knew right then because of 
his tone but apparently God or whoever was in charge wanted to make 
this as difficult as possible.  
" I don't think we should be so close anymore", he said softly, 
when we were seated on our bench in the park.
" Mamochan…"
" I don't think we should see each other at all, in fact.  The 
truth is, I don't love you.  I'm sorry, I thought at first I did but…  I 
can't be with you anymore.  I don't love you Usagi, please try and 
forget about us."
I can't remember what happened then.  Maybe I cried or 
maybe I screamed.  Maybe I made Mamochan, sorry Mamoru, stay and 
spell out every detail of his dislike for me.  Or maybe, he had just 
confirmed everything that I had been thinking about myself and 
therefore I didn't need any explanation.  If that were true, then it would 
make sense that when I finally remembered to breathe, he was gone.  
There is no way to describe what I was feeling.  I guess the best 
analogy I can think of is that I was standing on a precipice and the last 
support had been kicked out from under me.
He doesn't love me.  I laughed mirthlessly when I considered 
how important one little word was to my control.  I love you could take 
so much pain away; I don't love you can make the world turn black.  I 
sat on that bench long into the night.  I should have felt cold, but I 
didn't even change positions.  The shock was unbearable but when it 
began to wear off I began to experience something worse.  
Hopelessness – complete and utter despair.  At midnight I heard 
screaming and knew I was needed.  Working purely on automatic, I 
reached for my brooch and transformed.  I felt no joy in the surge of 
adrenaline that pumped through my blood.  In fact, I could barely see 
straight.
" Sailor Moon, get it in gear!"  Rei yelled to me as I clumsily 
dodged yet another bolt of electricity from our foe.  I tried, I really did 
but even as I raised my wand to start an attack, I saw a twirl of cape 
that made me go dizzy again.
" What the hell is wrong with you?  Attack it!" Makoto 
shouted at me.
" Right", I said despondently and I finished off the monster.  
When it was over a team of irate soldiers surrounded me.  
" That was the poorest performance I have ever seen.  You 
could have gotten one of us killed, you could have gotten yourself 
killed!"  Luna yelled at me.
" I don't care", I said sadly.  The gasps and cries of anger fell 
on deaf ears.  I changed back into civilian clothes and decided it was 
time to go home.  It was two in the morning when I stumbled in 
through the front door.  Usually I would have slipped in through my 
window but as I've said, I was not thinking clearly. 
" Where have you been?"  My mother said from the darkened 
kitchen.  I knew my father was gone on business so it was just she and 
I.
" Out", I said.
" What the hell does that mean?  It's two in the morning and 
my fifteen-year-old daughter hasn't been home since she left this 
morning for school and all you can say is that you've been out?  I 
demand an explanation Usagi."
" I wish I had one to give you.  But I don't know what's going 
on anymore then you do, which is kind-of funny when you consider it's 
my life."
" Why won't you tell me?  What are you hiding?  Are you in 
some kind-of danger?  Usagi, I need to know", my mother pleaded.  It 
was so hard and I thought it wouldn't be so bad, would it, if I told her?  
If I confessed everything then maybe she would tuck me into bed like 
she used to and tell me everything was going to be all right.  Just then, 
Luna walked in.  Her large eyes took in the scene in an instant and she 
stared at me with so much intensity that I knew there would be no 
forgiveness should I reveal my identity.
" Mom, just trust me.  I'm okay; everything is fine.  
Everything is just fine", I said stonily as I excited the kitchen to the 
sound of my mother's sobs.
I kept repeating the words 'everything is fine' to myself like a 
mantra, hoping I would come to believe it.  There was so little holding 
me together now that I wondered if I even existed anymore.  I felt 
almost ethereal and completely unattached.  I hated that feeling of 
disembodiment.  I'd been hurt that day and I wanted to feel pain; I 
wanted a simple cause and effect that I could cling to and make sense 
of.
" Usagi?  Are you okay?  Maybe I was a little hard on you 
today but it's because I don't want to see you get hurt.  You know that, 
don't you?"  Luna said softly to me when we were alone in my 
bedroom.  I was getting out a first aid kit from my dresser to bandage a 
scrape to my hand.
" Of course Luna, that's your job.  Mine is to protect people 
and tonight I didn't fulfill my part of the bargain.  I understand 
completely.  Now, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to be alone so I 
can think."
" Think?  You?" she said, trying to make me laugh.  I was so 
far away from laughing that I didn't think I even remembered what the 
world meant.
" I though I'd think about how I just broke my mother's heart.  
I thought I'd think about how Mamoru broke mine.  Please, leave me 
alone."  
Luna's eyes widened and I think she would have spoken to me 
if she hadn't seen the dead look in my eyes.  She escaped through my 
window, leaving me at my desk with the first aid kit in front of me.  
Slowly I wrapped pure white gauze around the small wound, realizing 
idly that I would have to buy more tomorrow, and cutting it short with 
razor sharp silver scissors.  
Somehow, the scissors slipped and I cut myself.  It wasn't 
much but a thin line of blood rose to the surface and the pain was sharp 
and real.  For the first time all day I felt something through the numb, 
blackness.  It was so simple; I cut myself, I feel pain.  Simple rules to a 
game I had been losing for so long.  I picked up the scissors slowly, 
turning them under the lamp, watching them flash.  Almost curiously, I 
pressed the edge into my forearm and drew it across.  The blood welled 
up bright and clear and crimson.  The pain was like a balm and I finally 
felt relief from the pressure building up inside me.  I convinced myself 
that the pain I was feeling came from the cut, and not from Mamoru 
and not from life.  What I was feeling was simple in origin and 
somehow I felt cleansed by this simple act.  It wasn't even very deep – 
it wouldn't leave a scar.  It was only a surface wound but it was exactly 
what I thought I needed, and I would not accept someone telling me 
differently.
			I guess I thought I knew you
But then I thought I knew myself
It was something of a shock to find
I'm lost like everyone else
And if we're all so troubled
And since nobody knows the way
Who are you to tell me
Who I should be at the end of the day?
	 I opened my eyes on a morning soon after that and sighed. 
Another day that would be just like yesterdayand it would be just as 
bad tomorrow. Another 'one of those' days that for me was becoming a 
chain. Maybe I should just give-in and call it 'oneof those' lifetimes. 
Pulling myself offthe floor, I stretched and grimaced as my muscles 
protested. Since Chibiusa and Luna had taken over mybed, I'd been 
pushed to the floor where I'd stayed for the night because I wastoo tired 
to protest.
	    Still stiff and sore, I walked downstairs for breakfast.  I was 
starving, as usual, but I was also feeling a little bit dizzy.  Sometimes I 
get like that after a battle – yet another wonderful side-affect of the 
crystal.
	" Geeze, slow down would, save some for the rest of us", said 
my brother.
	" Oh, what do you know?" I said angrily.
	" He's right, Usagi, that's hardly ladylike behaviour", said my 
mother coldly.  So now even my manners were questionable.  Wasn't 
there anything about me they liked?  I was so ashamed that I put down 
my spoon and swallowed with difficulty.
	" You'd better get going Usagi.  You have to pick up Chibiusa 
after class so you'd better not get detention.  And I don't to hear ANY 
complaints from her later, understood?"
	I nodded and got up from the table.  Today, at least, I 
remembered my lunch, or I would have had it been in it's regular place 
on the counter.  I looked around for it but couldn't find it and I felt 
kind-of guilty asking my mom for it seeing how angry she'd been with 
me the other day.  Maybe she hadn't bothered to make me one.
	" Usagi, if you don't move it you're going to be late!" my 
mother said, her voice telling me she was running out of patience.  The 
clock was ticking so I walked out.  If I had turned back then I would 
have seen Shingo and Chibiusa returning my pilfered lunch to the 
counter and snickering.
	At school, I was so tired and hungry that it was harder then 
usual to pay attention, but I knew my head would be on a platter if I got 
a detention today, so I tried to pay attention.
	" … so chlorophyll is a necessary component of the 
photosynthetic process.  Who can tell me two products of 
photosynthesis?" asked my teacher, Miss Haruna.  The concepts were 
beyond me, as usual, and I prayed desperately in my head that she 
wouldn't ask me.  'Don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me', I 
thought and tried to shrink into my desk.  Unfortunately, Miss Haruna, 
ignored all the raised hands and asked me,
	" Usagi, why don't you tell us the answer?"
	I could feel my face going red as I shifted uncomfortably in 
my seat.  " I… I don't know".
	" Were you sleeping in my class again?"
	" No, Miss Haruna."
	" Sometimes, I don't know which is worse, you sleeping in my 
class or being awake and still not having a clue."
	The class laughed a little and I let my head fall back to my 
desk and tuned them out.  When the lunch rang, I was the first one out 
of the classroom.  I met up with Makoto and we headed outside to meet 
Amy.
	" I forgot my lunch, and I am so hungry", I complained 
melodramatically.
	" Only you could get so upset over food", Makoto chided.  " 
Here, you can have some of mine."
	" Usagi, don't tell me you forgot your lunch again?" Amy said 
incredulously.  
	" Yeah, but what else is new?  I'm a ditz remember?  This is 
really good Makoto", I said taking a small bite.
	" What would you do without me?" Makoto joked.
	" Die of starvation, probably", Amy teased back.  " Hey, 
didn't you say you were going to the counsellor today at lunch?"
	Oh know!  I had forgotten that.  My parents had set up a series 
of appointments with the school counsellor because of my grades.  
They think I might have a learning disability.  Well, I do, but putting 
'Sailor Moon' down as abnormal stressor was not about to happen.  I 
should probably go to this meeting even if it's just to say that there is 
no point wasting time on a loser like me.  And I am a loser; a pathetic, 
ugly, horrible human being that nobody wants to have around.  
Mamoru certainly saw that right away, I'm sure the others will notice 
soon.
	" Usagi, don't tell me your thinking of him again?"  Makoto 
said, rolling her eyes in exasperation.  Yeah, I'm sure it must be 
annoying hearing about old boyfriends all the time, isn't it Makoto?  Of 
course, I don't say this aloud since I don't want to lose what little 
support I still have.  " Can't you get it through your head that 
Mamoru's a jerk?"
	If Mamoru's a jerk, and he dumped me… what am I?  I paste a 
phoney smile on my face and return brightly,
	" I was totally not thinking of him.  I'm thinking I'm so dead-
meat if I don't get to that meeting!"  I said.  I jumped up and ran around 
the corner.  On the other side of the building, my persona fell apart.
	" Well, now she's happy, but I'm hungry", I heard Makoto 
say.
	" 'Share' your lunch with Usagi is kind-of an oxymoron."
	" I love her, but next time she forgets her lunch, I'm going to 
disappear."
	" Same here when it comes to studying.  I don't know how 
many times I explained photosynthesis to her".
	I ran away until I was out of earshot.  I had barely taken a bite 
of Makoto's lunch and besides she had offered and Amy was always 
looking to show off, it's not like I'd begged her to teach me about 
science.  Oh God, I was being so unfair, wasn't I?  I had taken 
advantage of my friends without even realizing it.  I was the worst kind 
of person.  Shakily, I knocked on the door of Mr. Carsette's, the 
counsellor's, office door.
	" Ah, Miss Tsukino.  I'd given up hope", he said.
	" Sorry, Mr. Carsette, I forgot about the meeting."  I could tell 
he was upset about the excuse, but he also seemed resigned.
	" Come in.  I have a few more tests for you to take, and then 
we'll mail them off", he stopped talking as he sat down at his desk and 
gave me the once over.  " Are you okay?  Do you need to talk about 
something?  I know from your parents that there is a new addition to 
your house by way of a… cousin?  Do you find this arrangement 
stressful?"
	Stressful?  The fact that there is a girl in my house who has 
brainwashed my family into thinking she belongs?  Well, she gets 
along better with my parents and my ex-boyfriend then I can ever did 
or will.  She also takes over my bed when I get back exhausted from a 
battle, purposely gets me in trouble, and makes me that much more 
worried about keeping my identity secret.  But I can't complain, 
because she's just a kid.  Now, why would that be stressful?
	" No there's no problem", I said.  I don't sound very 
convincing but I'm just so tired.  I find it harder and harder to care 
about anything, anymore.  I get to work on the tests.  The bell rang, 
signifying the end of lunch period, and I handed Mr. Carsette the tests 
I'd filled out.  All the blank spaces made me feel stupider then usual, 
and I was embarrassed when he looked them over.
	I made it through the rest of the day without any major 
problems.  I avoided Makoto and Amy when I left school – I just didn't 
think I could face them right away.  I also remembered to pick up all 
the books I needed for my math test tomorrow.  If everything went 
according to plan then I would pick up Chibiusa, finally get something 
to eat at dinner, and then have all night to study.  Having a plan made 
me feel a little better, but then I turned the corner and crashed into 
someone.  I didn't even need to look at him to know it was Mamoru.  
Why me, and why today?  Oh, who was I kidding, it was never a good 
time to see Mamoru.
	" S-Sorry, Mamoru", I mumbled.  I didn't look him in the eye.  
His image is so wound up in this great, black, maelstrom of pain that I 
can scarcely think of him as a separate being anymore.
	" Whatever, Usagi.  Why should I expect anything else?" 
Mamoru said with a weary sigh.  I can only watch as he walks away.  I 
am sorry, whether Mamoru believes me or not.  I'm sorry for 
constantly getting in his way, I'm sorry for being so clumsy, for being 
immature, for being stupid, ugly, a nuisance.  I'm sorry for being a 
constant reminder to him of his one mistake: dating me.  The very idea 
that I could ever be good enough for him is laughable; I just can't 
believe he took so long to see it.  He must hate that I could hold our 
'relationship' as blackmail over him.  He must hate me.
			PAUSE
	No chance of tears this time.  There were too many other 
emotions in play.  Anger that she could hide this from me; hurt that she 
could believe so easily that I hated her; shock that she would cut 
herself.  My beautiful, wonderful, special, Usako had so much self-
loathing that she was literally tearing herself apart.  I wanted to scream 
at my past self.  That day, why did he have to say 'whatever'?  He must 
have seen something.  At least, I should have made sure she was okay.
	To think, all those times when she would beg me for 
forgiveness, it wasn't because she thought she had done something 
specific, it was because she was sorry for ever having bothered me.  
She was sorry to have ever considered herself worthwhile.  How wrong 
she was.  I was the one who didn't deserve her, I was the one who had 
been selfish and was thinking only of myself.  I had never thought 
about what I was doing to her when I said those things, I just wanted 
her to be safe so I wouldn't be alone.  Some protector I was.  Even 
when we were together, I never told her she was beautiful or that I 
loved her.  I never told her anything…
	And now she thinks I hate her.  She thinks I hate that she 
exists.  She doesn't know that I wait around corners just for the chance 
of running into her - I didn't know those meetings caused her so much 
pain.  I can't believe I had the audacity to think she wouldn't be as 
affected as I was about our break-up.  How could I have been such a 
fool to think that because I was older, I was more serious?  
	Dreams.  This had all started with dreams.  One premonition 
and I had thrown away my chance to be with Usako.  No wonder I had 
been given this opportunity to see how that choice affected her.  I 
would never take it for granted again that I was the sole person who 
knew best.  I did need the balance of knowing that I was not the only 
person who mattered.  Please, tell me that it's not too late to change my 
mind?  I won't listen to the dreams – I'll decide what's best for myself 
and for her.  I will be her protector against whatever comes.  If I have 
the chance… but the pause button in still flashing.  There's still more to 
see.  I hope I'm strong enough for it.
				END PAUSE
	Sighing, I remember that I still have to pick up Chibiusa from 
her playgroup.  Walking quickly I arrive at the right building and knock 
on the door.
	" Hi, I'm here to pick up Chibiusa?"  I said to the woman who 
answered.
	" Oh yes, one moment please", she said.
	" Oh.  It's you", Chibiusa said flatly.  Charming kid, really.  
Still, I was determined to not let her have anything bad to say about me 
when we got home.  I was already skating on very thin ice with my 
parents.  
	" Hey, kid-o.  Want to stop for ice-cream on the way home?"
	" Yeah!" she said.  " But don't call me kid-o."
	We stopped for ice cream where I spent the very last of my 
savings on making Chibiusa happy.  I ignored the rumblings in my own 
stomach.  What was a little hunger, if it put me in good with my 
family?  I came to the realization, that Chibiusa wasn't nearly so bad 
when she was in a good mood.  It made me wonder why she was 
constantly angry with me; I must just rub her the wrong way.  When 
she'd finished her treat, she grinned up at me, and yelled, " Race you 
home!"
	She took off without waiting for a reply.  I ran after her, 
careful to keep her in front of me and in sight.  My eyes only stopped 
following her when she ducked into the walkway of our house.  When I 
caught up, I couldn't see her, and reasoned logically that she had gone 
inside.  The door, however, was locked and I had to knock.  My mom 
answered,
	" Where's Chibiusa?" she said instantly.  Hello, nice to see 
you too, I thought.  I sighed but replied,
	" She should be right here, she was ahead of me…"
	" Mommy, mommy!  Usagi went too fast and I couldn't keep 
up.  I thought I was lost!"  Chibiusa said tearfully.  My mother gave her 
a hug and then Chibiusa stuck her tongue out at me.  The little brat was 
trying to get me in trouble.
	" That's not what happened…"
	" Usagi!  I cannot believe you could be so cruel.  Everyone is 
always saying how kind you are, but I for one have certainly not seen 
it.  How could you do such a thing to a child?  Go to your room, and 
don't you dare come down until I say so.  I don't even want to look at 
you right now!"
	" No, wait.  Usagi didn't really do that", Chibiusa said, fearing 
she'd gone a little too far.
	" It's nice of you to protect her, Chibiusa, but I know my 
daughter", said my mother coldly.
	In my room, I admit I sort of lost it.  All the pink, pretty, 
'normal' girl things in my room suddenly seemed like a cruel joke.  
Normal; I would never be normal.  With a rage I didn't know I had, I 
tore the posters from my wall, I pushed the row of crystalline figures 
and cosmetics to the floor where they smashed, I tore the pink 
wallpaper and ripped the bunny sheets from my bed.
	" Usagi?  What are you doing?" said a fearful Chibiusa from 
the doorway.  I spun around angrily, my eyes fixating on her pink hair.  
She took a step backwards to the security of the hall, and I instantly 
repented my actions.  I was mad at myself, not at her.
	" I'm sorry.  I'll try to be quieter", I said soberly.  Chibiusa 
seemed about to say something but she shrugged her shoulders and left.  
I closed and locked the door.  I began cleaning up the damage I had 
done; I didn't want to give anyone reason to worry over me.  When I 
got to the broken glass by the dresser, I was shaking with poorly 
handled and constrained emotions.  Perhaps, on an intellectual level, I 
knew that what I was doing was wrong, destructive, but I didn't know 
what else to do.  I chose a sharp shard of glass and cut myself.
	When the pain on my forearm had faded to a dull ache, I 
switched sides and made a similar cut on my other forearm.  I liked 
watching that thin ribbon of red grow bigger and then get large enough 
to drip over the side.  I would restrain myself, cutting only my 
forearms, because these were hidden by my school uniform and by the 
gloves of my Sailor Moon uniform.  And I wouldn't do this all the 
time.  Only, when I really needed it.  Because I had control – I wanted 
control.
			I don't know where I'm going
I don't know when I'll arrive
I don't know how the story ends
I don't know if I'll survive
I don't know which choices to make
But here's what I'll try to prove
If life doesn't cause me to break
I'll find my way back to you
	  Three weeks later found me again in Mr. Carsette's office, 
this time with my parents.  They sat on one side; I sat on the other.  The 
tension was palpable and I had the distinct feeling of being in trouble, 
though, to my knowledge, I hadn't done anything specific as of late.  I 
dug my nails into my arm when I started to feel the panic rising.
	" First thing I want to say, is that nobody has done anything 
wrong.  A lot of times parents feel like they need to place blame on 
somebody, but the truth is a learning disability is nobody's fault", Mr. 
Carsette said.
	" So, that's definitely the problem, she's…"
	Stupid?  Helpless?  Hopeless?  Never going to amount to 
anything?  I suggested as possible answers in my head.
	" …special?"
	They discussed my problems like I wasn't even there.  
Pointing in clear detail all the things that were wrong with me.  My 
parents were getting more upset by the minute.  They must be so 
ashamed of me.
	" Actually, Usagi is probably quite bright.  She would have to 
be to have gotten this far without anyone picking up on this.  She has 
devised many tricks and methods to enable her to keep up with her 
classmates and up until now that has worked.  But in junior high, and 
especially next year in high school, it is getting much too difficult to 
keep on top of demands.  I know we've discussed holding her back this 
year…"
	Oh God, please no.  Don't let everyone know that I can't 
handle it.
	" … but I've come up with an alternate plan.  Usagi will meet 
with a professional, for an hour after her regular classes where she'll 
learn different methods and strategies, for getting around her disability.  
She'll also get some help in the more troubling areas of her schooling.  
If she keeps this up for the rest of term, two weeks, then I think we'll 
be able to get her a placement in summer school.  That should be 
sufficient to allow her to continue on with her friends next year."
	More school?  I started to hyperventilate.  I couldn't handle 
more school.  Didn't they realize that I was already working twice as 
hard for the same results?  Couldn't they see that I was worn out?  I 
wouldn't, couldn't go to summer school too.  It was too much to ask of 
me.  I was positively frightened of the idea that I would spend the rest 
of life trying to do something and failing.
	" But I…  I don't want to", I said trying, to sound intelligent, 
but I was just so horrified.  I felt tears prickling my eyes.  They didn't 
understand; this was going to kill me.
	" Usagi, you're being ungrateful.  Mr. Carsette is telling you 
that won't be left back next year, that's good news", my father said 
tightly.
	" But I've been working so hard, I don't know if I can keep 
going", I said desperately, turning from my mother, to my father, to Mr. 
Carsette, looking for some understanding.  There was none.
	" Of course you can, don't be so melodramatic.  She'll do 
whatever it takes Mr. Carsette to bring up her grades.  Won't you 
Usagi?" said my father, with a commanding look at me.  I nodded 
dumbly.  
	" Thanks for your help, Mr.Carsette.  I just wish there had 
been a better outcome", said my mother gathering her coat.  My life is 
ending, I'm practically crying, and nobody gives a damn what I think.
	" Take care, Usagi.  I'll make up a schedule for you", Mr. 
Carsette said.  I just nodded again; if I opened my mouth again I was 
sure I'd start crying.  The car ride home was excruciating.  We were 
almost there when my mother broke the silence,
	" It's your sixteenth birthday next week, do you have plans?" 
she asked tightly.  Her tone made it clear that she didn't think I really 
deserved a party.  I didn't think I did either.  
	" The girls are going to plan something for me, so I probably 
won't be home.  I know Chibiusa's going to be having her party at the 
house so at least that's one less person to feed", I said.
	" Well, if that's what you want", my mother said.  There was 
no further discussion.  
	I helped Chibiusa deliver her invitations.  When I came across 
one addressed to Mamoru, I managed to keep my cool.  All that was 
keeping me going was the thought of my birthday.  The girls weren't 
really throwing me a party – we were too busy figuring out the newest 
members of the Dark Moon Family, Diamond and the Doom Phantom.  
But on my birthday I was going to go out, by myself.  I thought I would 
go to the park and sit on the bench and look at the moon.  
	When Chibiusa's birthday and mine came, I did just that.  I 
took my bag and narrowly avoided running into Mamoru as I ran out 
the door.  The first few minutes were peaceful but I should have known 
what would happen.  I mean it was almost a birthday tradition now.
	The youma was not terribly big or tough, so I decided to take 
it on by myself.  I transformed and went charging after it.  I was right in 
my assumptions; the youma put up very little resistance, but when it 
was moon dusted, who should appear but our enemy Diamond.
	" What do you want?" I hissed.  
	" What I've always wanted.  You, the crystal, and a certain 
little rabbit."
	" Three strikes – you're out."
	" Oh I don't think so", he said and a third eye appeared in the 
middle of his forehead.  He tried to hypnotize me, to inject some of his 
darkness into my mind.  He was very surprised when the darkness 
retreated, scared by what it had seen already residing in my head.  You 
can't make someone afraid of death when they already have a death 
wish.  Diamond faltered and floated down until he was standing on the 
ground.  " I don't understand, you're supposed to be… you're the 
embodiment of light".
	" Sorry to disappoint you", I said.  Unbelievably, I almost was.  
Sorry that there was so much hatred and anguish in my soul.  Sorry that 
I was polluting the image of the perfect princess and glorified golden 
child.  I raised my wand and prepared to do battle.  I hit him square on 
and he collapsed.  With his last breath he threatened, " My master will 
come for you and will make even you quake with fear".  I just hit him 
again and he disappeared, never to be seen again.
	I used my communicator and managed to get Rei.  I told her 
that Diamond had appeared and that he wasn't going to be bothering us 
anymore.
	" You destroyed Diamond?  I don't believe it.  How could you 
not call us?"
	" There wasn't time.  Look Rei, I have to go.  I have important 
things to do."
	" I'm sure", she said, rolling her eyes.  " Well, have a happy 
birthday anyway, Usagi."
	" Thanks.  I will."  I said and ended the connection.  Have a 
happy birthday?  How the hell was I supposed to do that?  Couldn't go 
home because my 'replacement' is having her birthday.  In fact the 
more I thought about it, the more perfect it seemed.  Chibiusa was cute, 
smart, and the family favourite.  My parents would be having a great 
time now throwing her a party, and seemed too convenient that we 
shared our birthdays.  Mamoru would be there, maybe even a few of 
the scouts.  There would be friends and laughter.  There was nothing I 
could contribute, that Chibiusa could not do better.  She was my 
replacement and a good one at that.  Maybe, it would be better if I 
didn't go home tonight.  They would forget about me and everything 
would go on without a hitch.
	I kept walking through the deserted park, mulling over my 
thoughts, when I came to a pretty little bridge bathed in moonlight.  I 
sat on the railing and looked at the swirling water below me.  I hadn't 
planned on doing it.  Or maybe, I did, or why else would I have brought 
the scissors with me?  Pure beads of blood dropped to the water below 
and were swallowed up effortlessly.
	" Happy birthday to me", I sang cynically.  I slashed hard and 
felt the warm gush of blood.  " Happy birthday to me", I continued.  I 
switched arms and tore deeply into the other arm.  " Happy sweet 
sixteen, pathetic Usagi", I sang creatively.  My arms dropped over the 
side of the bridge and the thick rivulets of blood trailed down my arms, 
wrapped almost caressingly around my wrists and trickled off my 
fingers.  " Happy birthday to me."
	My vision began to swim and part of me hoped that this meant 
I'd finally gone too far and that my body wouldn't heal itself this time.  
Of course, this wasn't true.  Eventually the dizziness and nausea passed 
and I was just a small, broken, girl on a bridge again.  I crept down to 
the river edge and bathed away as much of the blood I could.  
Fortunately, I was wearing black and the stains weren't too noticeable.  
My arms throbbed from the cold water and I knew I would feel this 
latest 'attack' for a good long time.  But then I deserved it, didn't I?
	" Usagi, are you even listening?" said my mother one morning 
at breakfast.  It was the last day of school.  A happy occasion for most 
students - not so for me.  It was going to be a very long day for me 
because I had to take a bunch of tests and fill out applications so that I 
could get into summer school.  That was a joke.  I'd be spending my 
whole day stressing and panicking in order to go somewhere I had no 
desire to be.
	" Don't you ignore us", my father said angrily.
	" Sorry.  I don't feel very well", I said and it was true, I didn't 
feel well.  Probably because I hadn't been eating well, or sleeping well, 
and because I'd lost quite a bit of blood lately…
	" That's the worst excuse I've heard in a long time, Usagi.  
We're counting on you to get into this school for the summer.  I want 
you to really apply yourself."
	" Yes, sir", I said.  " I had better get going, don't want to be 
late."
	I trudged wearily to school, no longer giving a damn if I was 
late or not.  What could they do to me that could possibly make my life 
worse?  I ran into Mamoru again.  No surprise there but unfortunately, 
it was a hard hit and I went straight to the ground.  I think I must have 
banged my head because I had trouble orientating myself when it came 
to getting back up.  Mamoru grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to 
my feet.  I bit down hard on my lip to keep from crying out when he 
squeezed my ravaged skin.
	" Sorry", I said, wrestling my arm free and walking on.  The 
blood began seeping through the white blouse of my uniform and I 
stared at it.  People would see this.  They would find out and they 
would know I was weak and cowardly.  I could just imagine how my 
classmates would stare in wonder and begin whispering about me.  I 
couldn't face them like this.  And all those tests…  All the while 
knowing people would be looking at me, judging me, waiting for me to 
fail.  I couldn't do this – not now, not ever.  
	The school came into view and my mouth went dry.  My 
breathing increased until I was practically hyperventilating.  My legs 
started to shake and then it got so bad that I couldn't take another step.  
No, please no.  I can't do it.  I slumped to the ground, tears forming, 
and knew I had given up.  There was no way I could make it any 
further.  As if on cue, it started to rain.  Just a light sprinkling, but as I 
fled to the park and hid, it still managed to make me feel cold.    
			Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain
And when I am empty, I'll come back again
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm 
shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
My secrets you'll keep
This is what matters 
The rest is skin deep
	I stayed in the park all day feeling cold and lonely.  I felt 
horrible for not having gone to school.  Why did I have to be such a 
coward?  It was only school.  People went to school all the time and 
other people had way more challenges then an insignificant learning 
disability.  I was no good for anything.  At the appropriate time I made 
my way home.  One look at my mother and it was clear that she knew I 
hadn't gone to school.  She shook her head at me and then slammed her 
palm flat against the counter.
	" Don't say a word.  I am so angry right now that I don't want 
to look at you in case I do something we will both regret.  You will go 
to your room and you will stay there until your father gets home.  Go, 
now!" she hissed at me.  No youma has ever scared me as badly as she 
did.  And yet, part of me accepted it as inevitable.  In fact it amazed me 
that they had put up with me this long.  Maybe it would be better if I 
just didn't exist…
	The more I thought about it, the better the idea seemed.  In 
fact, it was so simple that I couldn't believe I had not considered it 
before.  To put an end to it all, to sleep forever.  No more demands on 
my time, no more disappointments nor failures.  Wasn't that what I'd 
been looking for all along?
	Excited, almost, by my revelation I set about making 
preparations.  I decided not to leave any letters because I was leaving to 
make their lives easier, not to make them feel guilty or to think about 
me differently.  I would use the scissors since they were familiar to me 
and strangely comforting.  The best place would be in the bathtub to 
make clean up easy and if I filled the tub with body-temperature water, 
it would help to prevent my blood from clotting.  What to wear?  
Certainly didn't want to be found naked but I wasn't about to ruin 
something nice.  In the end I settled on a pair of jeans and my favourite 
T-shirt.  Once I was changed and the bath drawn, I began to feel the 
first tremors of doubt.  Resolutely, I clutched the scissors in my hand 
and walked very slowly towards the bathroom, entered, and closed the 
door behind me.
Skin Deep – part three.  Like I said before, I wrote the song.  If I could 
write music I'd give you the tune too but as of now it's only in my 
head.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------
 
END 
	The lights of the vortex suddenly went dim and I was left 
bereft of the knowledge that I so desperately needed.  That was it?  
That's all I had to see?  What happened now?
	" You're up to the present day, the present hour now.  You 
have finished seeing all there is to see.  Did you find it useful?" said the 
voice, returning in the blinding luminance.
	" No, I found it horrifying.  Why didn't anyone help her?  
Why didn't you?"
	" Why didn't you?  You are her protector", said the speaker 
and for the first time she sounded angry.  Then she sighed and 
continued on more sedately, " the fact is we all want to believe 
everything is fine with the ones we love.  If we go looking for 
problems, we tend to find them.  There is also only so much we can do 
for one another.  In the end it is they who have to be strong and we can 
but stand by and pray they make the right decisions.  But you did not 
answer my question.  What are you prepared to do now?"
	" The dreams tell me she'll die if I approach her.  I know now 
that isn't a good enough reason to keep us apart.  Nothing that says 
what 'might be' and what 'could be if' matters compared to what is and 
what's true.  I love her – that's the truth.  I need her and she needs me.  
Nothing else should have any sway over my decisions."
	" You have learned a lot during your time here.  Be sure to put 
it to good use.  I will take you back now", she said.  My bed landed 
with a soft thump on the carpet of my bedroom.  I looked out the 
window and saw that it was nighttime.
	" I thought you said no time would go by?" I said.
	" So you missed one day.  Time travel isn't an exact science 
you know.  As far as the timeline goes, you left this morning and got 
back now.  Before I leave, I want to say that I admire what you have 
you done.  And I wish you luck.  No doubt, you will need it."
	" Wait, I feel I should thank you somehow.  I don't even know 
who you are", I said.  The light flashed and standing before me was a 
woman with long green hair and dressed in a black sailor suit.
	" My name is Sailor Pluto, guardian of time.  And you can 
thank me by saving my queen, my friend.  Look after Usagi, she is 
important to so many", she said thickly, before stepping into a portal 
and disappearing.
	I had to get to Usagi and stop her.  I just hoped I wasn't too 
late.  Pulling on clothes in a haphazard fashion, I grabbed my car keys 
and dashed down the stairs.  I was slipping the keys into the car door, 
when I felt a familiar twinge.  Sailor Moon?  She was turning into 
Sailor Moon now?  At least, she couldn't be dead if she was 
transforming.  I turned myself into Tuxedo Mask and followed the 
sensations that always led me to her.
	The battle was taking place atop a high skyscraper in 
downtown Tokyo.  Even without my instincts as Tuxedo Mask, it 
would have been easy to find her since the sky was pitch black with a 
sole light shining like a beacon.  She was already hard at work when I 
arrived.  I stumbled over Mercury who was lying face down on the 
rough cement.  Fearing the worst, I turned her over and was relieved 
when she immediately came to.
	" What's going on?"
	" Doom Phantom", Amy gasped out.  
	" Where are the others?"
	" I think they're under that black tunnel thing", she said.  She 
got shakily to her feet and used her visor.  " I don't think she's going to 
have enough power even with the crystal".
	" Then we're going to have to giver her ours", I said.  Mercury 
nodded and together we fought our way into the darkness.  I kept my 
eyes on the bright, white, light.  I had to get to her, somehow, and let 
her know she wasn't as alone as she thought.  
	" Usako?  Usako, where are you?"  I screamed.  The light 
seemed to great brighter for a moment and then it washed over me.  I 
saw her standing with her eyes closed and the crystal upraised above 
her head.  " Don't give up Usako, I believe in you, we all believe in 
you", I said to her.  I don't think she even heard me but I stood by her.  
The scouts began feeding her their energy and the crystal grew brighter.  
She was in her princess form and this close to her I could see the scars 
in her bare arms.  What was she thinking right now?  I had gotten so 
accustomed to knowing her every thought that it seemed strange to 
have to ask myself how she was feeling.  Drawing on the insights that I 
had gained, however, I imagined she was feeling that she would do this 
last thing.  She would finish this last task for us and then she would 
seek her peace.  
	" You cannot defeat me!" said the voice from the clouds.
	" Like hell we can't", I said back to it.  Usagi's back stiffened 
and she cried out.  A small rivulet of blood trickled from her mouth and 
I instinctively reached for her and tried to shield her from whatever was 
harming her.  The white light began to make a dent in the Doom 
Phantom's column of darkness.  With a scream, Usagi's threw the 
crystal up even higher where it gathered a pinkish glow and pierced a 
thousand holes in the black screen.  Large cracks began to form and 
then it all smashed.
	" No!" cried the voice as the darkness was washed away in a 
torrent of pure light.  The crystal floated back down to rest in Usagi's 
outstretched hands.  Her clothes returned to the jeans and T-shirt she 
had been wearing before.  The sight of those clothes and what they 
were for made my mouth go dry.  
	" We, we did it", said Minako slowly.
	" It's over.  It's really over."  Amy said wearily.  I saw Usagi 
go over to Mars and Jupiter and whisper something to them, and then 
she started to walk away.  I was about to follow her when Rei and 
Makoto intercepted me.  So that's what she'd asked them to do – delay 
me so she good get away.
	" You have a lot of nerve showing up at the last moment like 
that after what you did to her.  Wanted some of the credit for defeating 
the big bad, is that it?  Do you have any idea how awful she feels?"
	Actually, I had a very good idea about how she was feeling 
but Rei was hardly in the mood to be placated.  I didn't know what to 
do.  I had to stop Usagi from doing something drastic, and time was 
running out.  She could even be home by now.  Worse, she was going 
to be drained and disoriented from the crystal, and my appearance had 
probably shaken her up still more.  
	" I'd love to explain this all to you in full detail, but I don't 
have the time", I said.  I was stopped from leaving when Makoto 
clamped her hand down on my arm.
	" So help me, I wanted to kill you when I saw how hurt she 
was.  But she wouldn't let me even threaten you.  What makes you 
think you deserve that kind-of loyalty?"
	I've always liked Makoto.  In many ways she is as much 
Usagi's protector as I am, and I would never do anything to hurt her, 
but I had to get to my Usako.  I couldn't begin to tell them the depth of 
Usagi's sadness and, besides, I didn't think I should tell them.  The last 
thing Usagi wanted was people coming to her with false sympathy in 
their eyes, trying to make her feel better.  So, although I felt bad about 
it, I shoved Makoto hard and she crashed into Rei.  Then I ran as fast as 
I could, jumping from roof-top to roof-top before arriving back at my 
car.  I revved the engine and took off for Usagi's house.
	Light was spilling out from the front room as I walked up to 
the front door.  I could hear voices too.
	" Did we do the right thing?  I can't help but think we should 
have tried harder.  She's just a little girl…"
	" Ikoku, we've gone over this.  She was tearing this house 
apart.  Just look at us, we never used to yell at each other.  Is this the 
kind-of environment we want for Shingo and Chibiusa?"
	" I know, I know.  Nothing we did seemed to get through to 
her, but she just seemed so sad.  What happened to her, what changed?"
	" I don't know.  Maybe, this will be good for her.  Maybe, this 
will teach her that life won't always just be handed to her on a silver 
plate", her father said softly.  I banged on the door then, needing 
answers.
	" Who are… you're the man Usagi introduced us to…" her 
mother began, but I brushed past her and headed up the stairs.  Angry 
voices followed me as I burst into Usagi's room.  It was empty and so 
was the bathroom.  The scissors still sat innocently next to the sink.  
The relief I felt at not seeing Usagi in a pool of blood was short-lived 
however and I gave into anger.  " Where is she?" I raged, as her parents 
followed me into her room.
	" We're not about to tell you", said her father.  I lost it.  I 
pushed him roughly up against the wall while Ikoku started crying in 
terror.
	" What did you do?"
	" She's not here.  I told her she wasn't welcome in this house 
anymore", said her mother desperately.
	" How could you?" I said in disbelief, releasing my hold on 
her husband.
	" She went out, moments after being told she had to remain 
here.  We asked her where she had been and she refused to tell us.  As 
responsible adults, we couldn't let her keep getting away with breaking 
the rules."
	I might have laughed, had the situation not been so tragic.  
Imagine, Usagi had broken her parents rules in order to save the world, 
and what was her reward?  Thrown out onto the streets and denied the 
comfort that was her right.  However, I couldn't blame the Tsukino's 
for feeling as they did.  In many ways, I'm sure they thought they were 
helping because they didn't know they owed their very lives to their 
daughter.  I almost pitied them that – not knowing the greatness that 
resided in Usagi, but now I had to find her.  She had nothing at all to 
cling to anymore.
	" Do you know which way she went?"
	" No.  And we don't want to.  We lost our daughter tonight, 
and we need to mourn that loss.  Please leave this house."
	I did leave and got back into my car.  The rain that had been 
falling all day was now pouring down in sheets.  Somewhere out there 
in the dark and cold was Usagi, the world's guardian angel.  She 
deserved so much better then this.  I drove around the streets with the 
window down, looking aimlessly for her.  It was an impossible task but 
I didn't know what else to do.
					***
	How far had I walked today?  How many hours had I stood 
under the rain and not felt the cold sting of water?  At first, I'd been 
shivering like mad, but that had subsided so that I wasn't even sure if I 
was cold anymore.  Cars whizzed past me on the road, churning up 
muddy puddles, and splashing my legs with the grime.  I was numb in 
body and in mind.  I had saved the world tonight and yet all I wanted to 
do was to step in front of one of those cars that were going past.  It 
wouldn't be hard; the roads were slick, and they wouldn't be able to 
stop.  I worried though that it wouldn't kill me straight off and I then I 
realized the danger I would be putting the driver in.  The driver was 
innocent – I couldn't do that.  So I kept walking and eventually my feet 
brought me to a great big cable bridge.  A drop from this height into the 
waters below, surely that would work?  My brain felt fuzzy and I 
couldn't quite grasp what it was I was about to do.  I stumbled up 
against the railing and looked at the swirling waters below trying to 
clear my head.
			
					***
	I almost missed her as my car swept up the slight incline to 
cross over the bridge.  She was so small, the rain making her blend in 
with her surroundings as though she was already more dead then alive.  
I slammed on my brakes, and fortunately the other cars behind me were 
alert enough to avoid me, although there were a lot of squealing brakes 
and muttered curses.
	" Usako?" I said slowly.  I didn't want to startle her.  
Considering her precarious balance on the rails I thought it best not to 
surprise her.
	" I don't feel very well", she said strangely.  Then I saw her 
eyes roll back in her head and I jumped to catch her before she fell.  
Fortunately, she tumbled backwards and into my arms.
	" What have we done to you?" I whispered sadly, brushing the 
bangs from her forehead.  She was feverish I noted, her forehead and 
cheeks hot to the touch while the rest of her was ice cold.  " I'll take 
care of you, I promise.  Just rest for a while", I said, more for my sake 
then for hers.  I put her in the passenger seat of my car and headed back 
to my apartment.
	For three days I watched over her as she tossed and turned in 
my bed.  The fever raged in her small body and yet it seemed no 
amount of blankets could keep her warm.  Sometimes she would cough 
so hard that I thought she would have to wakeup but she never did.  She 
just rolled over and muttered.
	I called her parents to let her know she was okay.  Her father 
answered and said he was glad that she was with friends but that she 
was no longer his concern.  He then hung up on me.  I remember I 
stood staring at that phone for a full minute.  My parents had 
abandoned me when they died; hers had abandoned her when she didn't 
meet with their expectations.  How would she recover from that?  I also 
called her friends; or rather I called Rei and told her to spread the news.  
I told her that Usagi and I were going to take some time off together to 
work things out.  I didn't tell Rei that Usagi had nowhere else to go.  
Last, I called a travel agent and booked a cabin up on the coast.  It 
wasn't a beach area but rather the kind with cliffs, and rugged shoreline 
where we would be relatively isolated.  When she woke up, I didn't 
want her to have to deal with anything but getting better.  I knew from 
having watched her that what she needed immediately was sleep, food, 
and time to think.  After that…  I wasn't sure if I could do anything to 
help.
	I was eating breakfast and wondering what to do with my day.  
I had taken leave from work for the next month, and school was out for 
summer.  Feeling that someone was watching me, I broke off from my 
reveries, and looked up.
	She stood there, still in her jeans and T-shirt, with her hair 
down from its meatballs and flowing around her.  Her arms were 
crossed protectively across her chest as she looked at me with a slight 
questioning look in her sad eyes.
	" How are you feeling?"
	" Confused.  Tired", she said.  She seemed to sway slightly on 
her feet and she was obviously still weak.
	" Sit down and I'll get you something to eat.  What do you feel 
like eating?"
	" Nothing.  I'm not hungry", she said.  Like hell she isn't.  She 
just doesn't want to eat in front of anybody because she's scared they'll 
make fun of her appetite.  I made her some toast and a very large glass 
of orange juice.  There wasn't a lot of food in my house because I knew 
we'd be leaving soon.
	" You may not feel like it, but you should try to get this down.  
You've been out of it for three days and you need to replace your 
energy."  I left her sitting at the kitchen table and went to take a 
shower.  When I came back the table was cleared and the plate cleaned 
and in the dish rack.  Usagi was also missing.
	" Damn it", I cursed as I hurriedly got dressed and left the 
apartment.  I found her downstairs in the lobby reading a newspaper.
	" I was going to leave, but it's not like I have anywhere to go.  
But you knew that, didn't you?" she said quietly.
	" Let's go upstairs, and we'll talk about this", I said.  She 
followed me silently.  I got her to sit down on the couch and for a 
moment I paced up and down, unsure how to start.  Piece by piece I 
told her about the dreams I had been experiencing and why I had 
thought it necessary for us to stay apart.  
	" So how do you feel about me, honestly?" she asked astutely.  
It was easy enough for me to excuse my behaviour; it was quite another 
thing to convince her I had never stopped loving her.
	" I love you."
	" I don't think I believe you."
	" Understandable.  But maybe one day you will."
	" You really are arrogant, aren't you?  You just assume I even 
want you want you back.  I was doing fine on my own, and I don't need 
you or anybody", she said angrily.  At least, she was finally expressing 
some emotion.
	" Yeah, you just need a good sharp knife.  You think I didn't 
notice this?" I said, grabbing her arm and bringing it to her face.  Her 
eyes fastened on the scars and I could tell I had just made a serious 
mistake.  She retreated into herself, and halted all conversation.  " I'm 
sorry, but you should know you don't have to hide things from me.  I 
want to help Usa, I do."
	There was no answer and her eyes were focused elsewhere.  
Running my fingers through my hair, I debated about what actions to 
take now.
	" Let's get out of here", I said.  I went and packed a bag with 
all the stuff I might need in the coming weeks.  I came back into the 
living room where Usagi still sat, having never moved a muscle.  I took 
her by the hand and pulled her unresisting body towards the door.  She 
got into my car without a murmur of protest.  We were almost out of 
town before I spoke again.
	" I should have asked before, but is there anything you want 
from your house?  We could probably sneak in and get it."  I waited for 
an answer and eventually she shook her head no.  " Okay, then why 
don't we stop somewhere and get you something to wear.  I bet your 
sick of those clothes."
	I parked the car at a mall parking lot on the outskirts of town.  
I got out of my seat but Usagi remained strapped in.  I opened her door 
and crouched down so we were at eye level.
	" What's the matter?"
	" I… I can't go in like this", she said, her voice sounding 
scared.  So her hair was down instead of in its usual meatballs, and her 
clothes were rumbled and dirty, was that really a big deal?  But then I 
noticed how she was trying to pull her sleeves down over her arms.  My 
heart hurt just seeing that unconscious gesture of guilt.  I grabbed a 
sweater of mine and pulled it over her head.
	" It will be fine and you'll feel much better in clean clothes", I 
said reassuringly.  I took her hand again and she seemed to almost be 
hiding behind me as we walked into the first department store we could 
find.  She was not in the mood to shop and from the way she kept 
looking around her I knew she was nervous.  It took a lot of coaxing on 
my part, but we finally got three pairs of pants, all black and loose; four 
shirts, all long sleeved, close fitting and in shades of grey or white, and 
a pair of pyjamas.
	" Mamoru I…" she began nervously.  " I don't have any 
money but I'll pay you back, somehow, later".
	" Don't worry about that now", I said.
	" Can I… borrow some more then?  I need a few more 
things", she said even more upset.
	" Why don't I come with you then?" I asked worriedly.  What 
if she decided to take that money and run?  I might never see her again.  
Whether or not she cared to admit it, she needed me, or at least she 
needed someone, to look after her for a while.  After my question, she 
blushed furiously.
	" I know it's stupid, especially after all you've been through 
with me, but these are things I'd rather you didn't see".
	Oh, now I could tell what she was getting at.  What sixteen-
year-old girl wants to shop for underwear with her ex-boyfriend?  Well, 
certainly not this girl.  I handed her some money without another 
question.
	" Tell you what, I'll go pay for this stuff and meet you in the 
car in, say, twenty minutes?"
	She nodded and walked away from me.  I wondered as I saw 
her disappear into the store if I would ever see her again.  I sat in my 
car and I waited as the minutes ticked by.  The rain had started to fall 
again and I listened to its soft pings against the car roof.  What had 
Pluto said; something about the hardest thing is when you have to let 
your loved one make their own decisions?  I felt like this was one of 
those moments.  I had set her free and if she came back it would be of 
her own free will, but if she didn't...  If she came back: what a horrible 
feeling it was to not know if your heart would ever be whole again.  
Ten more minutes, and then restraint be damned, I'd be back in there 
and calling for her.  I double-checked my watch when her twenty-
minutes were up.  Was this it?  Had I lost her again?  Was this to be my 
punishment for having left her when she needed me most?
I sat still as stone as another five minutes ticked by.  My heart 
felt like lead and everything around me seemed to fade into shades of 
grey.  Thirty minutes later, I climbed unsteadily from my car just as the 
radio began to play a haunting melody.
			Don't be afraid
I'll dance in the rain
	Through the gloom of the darkened parking lot I saw a vision 
approaching.  Or at least, that's what it looked like to me.  I could only 
stare, getting wetter by the second, as she approached the car.
	" I couldn't remember where you parked and with the rain…" 
she said but didn't get to finish.  I pulled her into my arms and held her 
like I was never going to let go.
	" I thought you weren't coming back", I whispered tearfully 
into her hair.  She wasn't holding me in return but I didn't care.  None 
of it mattered because she had come back and she wasn't going to push 
me away.  The song continued to play in the background.
And when I am empty, I'll come back again
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm 
shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
My secrets you'll keep
This is what matters 
The rest is skin deep
	We got to our destination quite a bit later that evening.  It was 
a simple little cabin with a main room and kitchen combined, a 
bathroom, and one bedroom.  From the windows you could see the sea 
crashing upon the rocks far below us.  The kitchen was stocked with a 
few canned goods and I decided tomorrow was early enough to go 
grocery shopping.
	" Why don't you take the bedroom?  I'll probably be up later 
then you tonight anyway.  You look exhausted."
	" If you're sure that's okay", she said uncertainly.  She 
grabbed some of the shopping bags and went to change.  Noticing that 
she had left one behind, I bent to retrieve it.  It clanged and rattled, 
which puzzled me because I thought she had bought only clothing.  I 
took a peek inside and saw things like a toothbrush and a hairbrush; 
things I should have realized would also be necessary.  I was closing 
the bag when I saw a new pair of scissors resting innocently along with 
everything else.
	" Oh, Usako", I muttered sadly, as I knocked on her door and 
handed her the bag.  Now wasn't the time for another confrontation.  
	The next morning I awoke with the sun and wearily stretched.  
I decided to go for a little run and when I got back, Usagi was still 
sleeping.  I wasn't going to but I couldn't help watching her for a 
moment as she slept.  Unlike the feverished slumbers of the other few 
nights, this time she was peaceful.  How such a small and fragile person 
could hold so much pain and goodness inside her; it was one of those 
mysteries that you knew would never be solved.  I let her sleep, 
knowing how much she needed her rest.
	The next few days passed if not easily, then at least they 
passed peacefully.  Usagi began to realize that I would not criticize her 
sleeping habits or her eating habits so she gradually lost that guilty look 
when she got up at noon or when she made herself a sandwich.  As she 
regained her strength, she began to sleep less of her own accord and 
even went for a walk with me along the cliffs.  The tension was 
growing between us though and I didn't know what to do about it.  I 
came back one day from the grocery store to find Usagi pacing the 
length of the kitchen.
			Too much thought leads to nonsense
Denial brings the solace I seek
I'm scared of somehow losing my place
All the same I hate that I'm weak
Things are never black and white
So I live in perpetual day
One day I'll run out in the night
And then I'll have words to say
	" Where the hell were you?" she screamed.
	" I went and got groceries.  I thought I told you", I said.
	" Well, you didn't.  I thought I'd been left up here and I 
realised I don't even know where 'here' is."
	" You're right, that was my fault.  I should have left a note."
	" I'm not a child, you know.  You can't just pretend like 
everything is fine so I'll think that it is.  I know we're going to leave 
her some day and I'll have to face everything again.  There will be a 
new enemy; I'll have to go back to town, and back to school.  Oh God, 
I forgot about school.  I'll have to be held back, I'm so stupid.  How 
could I have thought…"
	" Usako, don't.  You're not stupid.  You've had an amazing 
amount of stuff happen to you in the last little while – nobody would be 
thinking clearly.  As for school, maybe you should consider some 
alternate forms of schooling, but for now, try and figure out what it is 
that you want to do."
	" Ha, I have a choice?  I was thrown out of my home, what am 
I supposed to do about that?  Go to court and force them to take care of 
me?  Sponge off you for the rest of my life, maybe?" she said bitterly.
	" You're not taking advantage of me."
	" Sure I am.  I don't do anything, I'm practically useless, and 
the only reason you're doing this is because you feel guilty that I tried 
to kill myself.  I appreciate it; I really do, but let's face it you're only 
going to be around until I'm able to look after myself properly.  As 
soon as you can be sure I won't do something horrible, you'll leave 
me… just like everyone else.  I don't want you here because of pity."
	" Damn it, it's not pity!" I shouted at her.  " Get this through 
your head.  I love you.  I always have and I always will.  Having you 
here is as much for me as it is for you."
	Silence greeted my words and except the sound of us 
steadying our breathing after the little outburst, everything was silent.
	" What's going to happen to me?" she finally asked.  I didn't 
know what to tell her.  I didn't know what the future held in store for 
us.  I wanted to tell her that she had nothing more to worry about, but 
that was a lie; there was only so much I could do for her.  I wanted to 
say that everything would turn out fine because she was a good person 
and tried so hard, but I knew for a fact that bad things happened to 
good people.  I wanted to go on living in this cabin forever and never 
share her with anyone ever again, but she was right; this escape from 
reality couldn't last forever.
	" Why don't we take this one day at a time?  We still have a 
few weeks here and you're still not completely healthy", I said.  I 
turned to put the groceries away and Usagi stood up to help me.
	" How about I make dinner tonight?  I'd like to do 
something", she said.
	" Okay", I said.
	When the chores were done, I looked up to find Usagi staring 
at me once more.
	" What?"
	" Tell me again, why you're doing all this for me.  Convince 
me I deserve to be here", she said.
	" To start off with, I'm not doing it for you.  I gave you up 
rather then face a life without you in it.  Then, when I realized how 
stupid that was, I came to find you only to find out you were going to 
leave me this time.  I can probably get through my life without you, 
Usako, but I don't know why I'd want to.  I want to see you happy 
because that makes me happy.  I want to see you enjoying life, because 
that makes me enjoy my life.  I want you because I'm nothing without 
you", I said, and then I turned to her.  I could see how much she wanted 
to believe what I was saying, but how hard it was to overcome what 
was engrained in her thoughts.  I went to her and sat beside her on the 
couch.  I took her arm in my hand and pulled back the sleeve.  Light 
silvery scar lines traced down her skin and I very gently ran my fingers 
along them.  I heard her gasp and looked straight into her despairing 
eyes.  " When you cut yourself, it hurts me too."
	She pulled her arm back and cradled it to her.  " I'm sorry".
	" I know you are", I said.  She reached for me, putting her 
hands over mine tentatively.  It was so brief a touch I hardly had time 
to react, but when she pulled away, I grabbed her hands and held them 
tightly.  I pulled her in closer and kissed her very softly.  It was a kiss 
unlike any other with so many other emotions in play that it was almost 
possible to dismiss the passion.  She opened up to me and I put 
everything I wanted to tell her into that kiss.  We broke apart and she 
said, 
	" You've never kissed me like that before".
	" I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gone so fast…" she stilled my 
excuses by putting a finger on my lips.
	" It wasn't a reprimand, just a regret."
	" Then allow me to make it up to you", I said and kissed her 
again.  She turned away then and left to prepare dinner, but we both 
knew that things had taken a step in the right direction. That night I 
couldn't sleep for thinking about her.  So much depended on me getting 
this right and yet so much more depended on her.  She was the one who 
had to figure out how she was going to find the strength to live her life. 
	Soon we had to get back into town.  I had to get back to work 
and Usagi had to face her fears.  We couldn't go on hiding anymore.
	" Usako?" I asked when we were nearing the city.  She was 
still too quiet for my liking.  I hadn't heard her laugh in so long.
	" Yes?"
	" Move in with me?"
	" Okay", she said simply.  And that was that.  Usako moved 
into my tiny apartment.  I slept on the couch; she slept in my room, 
until one day when she realized that my feet hung over the edge of the 
couch.  From then on, she slept on the couch instead of me, and I admit 
she fit there much better.  The first day back at work, I couldn't wait to 
get home.  I was a little scared at what I'd find but there she was calmly 
cooking in my kitchen.  Our kitchen, I amended to myself.
	" I'm going to see the girls tomorrow.  What did you tell them, 
when we left?"
	" I, uh, told them we needed some time to ourselves to sort 
things out.  That's all I told them too", I said.
	" Thanks", she whispered.
			I don't know where I belong
I don't know how to fit in
I don't know where I went wrong
I don't know if I'll ever win
I don't how to play the game
But I hope to pay my due
If I find someone who feels the same
I'll know that I've found you
	I went to work the next day and was actually optimistic about 
the future when I saw the mass amount of paper waiting for me on my 
desk.  I was temping in a doctor's clerical office and I guess whoever 
had had my job while I was away, hadn't gotten around to this menial 
stuff.  I worked all day and went I looked up, I realized it was much 
later then I had previously thought.  My first thought was of Usako who 
would be worried.  I dialled the number and let the phone ring for a 
long time before hanging up, grabbing my jacket and dashing out the 
door.  I drove far too fast and was grateful that there weren't too many 
people on the road.
	Sprinting up the stairs to my apartment, because I was too 
impatient to wait for the elevator, I thought of all the things that could 
have happened.  I should just trust her and respect that she has a mind 
of her own, but I also couldn't bear the thought of losing her.
	" Usako?  Are you here?" I yelled as soon as I had the door 
open.  No answer.  She had made dinner again and it was stored neatly 
in the fridge.  There was light coming from under the bathroom door.  I 
knocked briefly, but when I got no answer I opened the door.  There 
she was, sitting in the bathtub naked with her knees drawn up to her 
chest and her arms covering her breasts.  She was glaring at me but I 
wasn't convinced.  I grabbed her arms and turned them towards me so 
that I could see them.  The scars were red and puckered from the bath 
but there were no fresh marks.
	" I'm sorry, I thought", I began.  Her face was turned away 
from me and she tried to hide her body from my gaze.  " Damn it, why 
didn't you just answer me or get the phone when I called?"
	" If you want to talk about this, can I at least have a towel?  
I'm not exactly comfortable like this", she mumbled.
	God, I'm such an idiot sometimes.  I turned around swiftly and 
left the bathroom.  I ran my hands repeatedly through my hair, trying to 
regain a modicum of composure.  I heard her step out of the bathroom 
and my eyes found hers.  I didn't know if she was upset or anything.
	" I'm sorry I was so late from work and that I didn't call 
sooner.  And I'm sorry for walking in on you like I did", I said.
	" I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later, 
considering we live together", she said.  We both knew the real reason I 
had been in that bathroom, but neither of us felt like saying anything 
about it.  She decided to lighten the mood a little saying, " Of course, if 
you really wanted to see my breasts there are better ways of going 
about it, I would think."	
	I smiled and I think I might even have blushed.  " For the 
record?  You really are beautiful."
	I was lying awake that night in my bedroom, not thinking 
about much when my bedroom door opened.  She stood there in the 
shadows, clutching a blanket to her nervously.
	" Usako, is something wrong?"  She nodded her head yes and 
came a step closer.  " You can tell me."
	" You were right" she burst out brokenheartedly.  " You were 
right to break in on me tonight.  I wanted to do it so much, and I tried 
so hard not to, but I might have done it if it hadn't been for you.  I 
thought I was getting better, but it's so hard.  Why can't I just get past 
this?"
	I got up and put my arms around her.  Her tears fell on my 
shoulder, making it wet but I didn't care. " At least, you're struggling.  
It means you haven't given up", I said as I smoothed her hair.  I felt her 
arms come around me and hold on tightly.  We fell asleep just like that.
			Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain
And when I am empty, I'll come back again
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm 
shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
My secrets you'll keep
You are what matters
The rest is skin deep
	Following that incident, things were a little better between 
Usako and myself.  She never went back to sleeping on the couch and 
instead we shared my bed, which was pretty easy since she was so 
small, and because she slept like the dead, I didn't have to worry about 
waking her up in the morning.  She still didn't laugh, but occasionally 
she would smile.  She also really liked to make dinner and keep house 
for me, which made me eager to come home in the evenings.  One day I 
came home to find she had changed her black and grey clothes for 
some more colourful ones and that she was wearing a skirt.  Her 
sleeves were pushed back while she did the dishes and she didn't seem 
bothered by the marks there.  It was a small step, but I knew it had been 
a difficult one.
	We talked frequently and she told me that she had been seeing 
the other scouts a little more frequently.  I could tell she was still a little 
scared of being around them and all that they represented, but it was 
nice that she hadn't completely given up on them.  We never discussed 
her family because I knew that it was a particularly painful subject.  
One day, she would be strong enough to go back and make amends, but 
that time wasn't now.  
			Mistakes I have made still haunt me
But forgiveness is my freedom
My shadowy soul forced me to see
How much I could overcome
I figured out where I'm going
I had to look from the other side
Thought at first I was drowning
But from you I could never hide
	" I've been to see the specialist at my old school.  I explained 
that I didn't think I could handle going back to school and she 
suggested a way of correspondence learning that would fit better with 
my… disability anyways.  It's kind-of expensive, but since the hours 
would be pretty flexible, I thought I could get a part-time job or 
something.  Well what do you think?" she asked, finally daring to meet 
my eyes.  I was beaming at her.
	" That is the best news I have heard in a long time", I said, 
sweeping her off her feet and into a hug.  " And I think the best place 
for you to work is at the arcade.  Andrew knows about our identities, 
did I ever tell you that?"
	" You told him?"
	" Actually, he caught Luna talking to one of the machines 
once and from then on he kind-of pieced things together.  But it would 
be easier to work there, especially if you have to leave suddenly.  No 
explanations would be necessary", I said.
	" Yeah, it would be kind-of hard to run after an enemy all the 
time and not raise suspicions."
	" Who said anything about an enemy?  I meant me.  I plan on 
stealing you away with me every once and awhile without a moment's 
notice."
	" Mamochan, what am I going to do with you?" she said with 
a smile on her lips.
	" You called me Mamochan", I said, surprised.
	" That's your name, isn't it?"
	" And don't you forget it, Usako", I said, and kissed her.  I felt 
her sigh of content against my lips and deepened the kiss.  We melted 
into each other until it was impossible to find where I ended and she 
began.  She was my whole world.
			I don't know when
I don't know how
I didn't know then
And I don't know now
I don't know why
But I feel like I'm new
If I can but try
I'll be true to you
	'School' was going much better this time around for Usagi.  
Her friends were surprised that she wasn't going back with them but 
over all they were supportive.  Simple tasks that took her longer then 
others to grasp still frustrated her, but she was also stubborn which 
helped a great deal.  Her job at the arcade was perfect for her.  She 
liked meeting new people when they didn't have any expectations 
about her except that she bring them what they ordered, and she was 
popular, especially with boys her age.  I could have been jealous, but 
all I had to do was walk in the room and she would be all smiles for me 
alone.  I don't want it to sound like everything was perfect; it wasn't.  It 
was hard for us sometimes, seeing as we were going out and yet living 
together – things that should have been compatible but because of our 
unique situation often posed problems.  Plus, I knew Usagi so well that 
neither of us could pretend when one of us was hurting.  Sometimes she 
was up and sometimes she was down; sometimes I could help her and 
sometimes I couldn't.  
	I came home one night in the pouring rain.  I got into my 
apartment and began shaking the water off of my clothes and out of my 
hair.
	" Did you go out today?  It is really coming down out there", I 
said to the air.  Usually, Usako would come out at this point and 
welcome me home.  However, the apartment was quiet.  Surprised I 
looked into the kitchen and saw a note left for me.  Probably, she was 
out with one of the girls.  I got myself a glass of milk and started 
drinking while I read her note.
		Mamochan,
	How can I begin to thank you for all you've done for 
me?
I can only imagine how hard it's been for you and yet you've 
been
so solid and understanding.  So, I'm sorry to do this, but there 
are 
a few things I have to face on my own.  I think I can do it this 
time.
Please remember that I love you and I hope you aren't too 
angry with
me.  I just think this is something I need to do alone.  
			Yours always, Usako
I put the glass down shakily and read the note yet again.  It 
was kind-of vague and
I didn't know if the ominous ring to it was because of my own fears or 
hers.  I looked around the apartment, hoping that she would be there to 
explain what she meant.  In the bathroom, everything was just as she 
left it only I couldn't find the scissors and I looked for them.  I looked 
for those scissors as though they were the most precious things on earth 
but couldn't find them.
	" Oh, Usako.  This isn't the answer", I said sadly.  I didn't 
know where she had gone but I went and got my car keys anyway.  I 
drove around for a while and finally felt compelled to stop at the park.  
I got out of my car and took an umbrella before wandering around the 
grounds.  She wasn't on the bench where we often met, and she wasn't 
in the rose gardens.  I was about to give-up and go look somewhere 
else, when I finally saw her on the little bridge.  The rain was still 
falling steadily but she was relatively easy to see.  I stood there and 
watched, knowing that if I stopped her now it would only delay her, so 
I had to hope she made the right decision.  I watched as she gave a 
shaky sob, and then pulled her arm back, and threw something silver 
and metallic into the water.
	Then she started to laugh, thinly and with her fair share of 
hiccups, but it was genuine laughter.  
	" Usako?"
	" I did it Mamochan.  I did", she said.  With her eyes closed, 
she did a little twirl, and let the rain slide down her upturned face.  
There was a smile on her face that had to be the most beautiful thing I 
had ever seen.  It was perfectly serene.
			So don't be afraid when I dance in the rain
For you are the water and I am the pain
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm 
shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
And my secrets you'll keep
Love is what matters - the rest is skin deep
The rest is only skin deep
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------
Skin Deep
I guess I thought I knew you
But then I thought I knew myself
It was something of a shock to find
I'm lost like everyone else
And if we're all so troubled
And since nobody knows the way
Who are you to tell me
Who I should be at the end of the day?
 
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know when I'll arrive
I don't know how the story ends
I don't know if I'll survive
I don't know which choices to make
But here's what I'll try to prove
If life doesn't cause me to break
I'll find my way back to you
 
Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain
And when I am empty, I'll come back again
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
My secrets you'll keep
This is what matters - the rest is skin deep
 
Too much thought leads to nonsense
Denial brings the solace I seek
I'm scared of somehow losing my place
All the same I hate that I'm weak
Things are never black and white
So I live in perpetual grey 
One day I'll run out in the night
And then I'll have words to say
 
I don't know where I belong
I don't know how to fit in
I don't know where I went wrong
I don't know if I'll ever win
I don't how to play the game
But I hope to pay my due
If I find someone who feels the same
I'll know that I've found you
 
Don't be afraid; I'll dance in the rain
And when I am empty, I'll come back again
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
My secrets you'll keep
You are what matters - the rest is skin deep
 
Mistakes I have made still haunt me
But forgiveness is my freedom
My shadowy soul forced me to see
How much I could overcome
I figured out where I'm going
I had to look from the other side
Thought at first I was drowning
But from you I never could hide
 
I don't know when
I don't know how
I didn't know then
And I don't know now
I don't know why
But I feel like I'm new
If I can but try
I'll be true to you
 
So don't be afraid when I dance in the rain
For you are the water and I am the pain
When I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm shaking, but free
Then I'll let you hold me
And my secrets you'll keep
Love is what matters - the rest is skin deep
The rest is only skin deep
 
 Like it? Hate it?  I would appreciate any and all comments.