So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time you ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.