To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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On a rural road a state trooper
pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of
the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" |
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A big-city lawyer was representing
the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher
only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." |
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Seems a guy was driving for hours
thus desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react,
a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of
kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the
farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said
he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and
assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I
wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thats"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?" At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!" |
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An aged farmer and his wife were
leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully
recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
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Howard County Police officers still
write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer
tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost
2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer
directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yes." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs." |
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A man is driving down a country road,
when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is
just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field." |
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A farmer in the country has a
watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local
kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" |