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A guy had been feeling down for so
long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." |
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The psychology instructor had just
finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" |
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Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took
her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward,
I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!" |
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The aspiring psychiatrists were
attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the
opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." |
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A group of psychiatrists were
attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out
together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with
their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have
problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..." |
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A very homely person made an
appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's
office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any
friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help
me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." |
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A doctor of psychology was doing his
normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1
sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" |
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." |
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Three patients in a mental
institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If
the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" |
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After hearing that one of the
patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's
file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
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