By Raven
Raven looked once again at her desk and made sure that everything was ready. Sonia was on standby, and she had made sure that all her children and Christian were all on missions. What she had planned to undertake had taken three years to plan so that only three would know. Salem, Doc and Andrew were all aware of the plan. She had done her best to make sure that no one else knew or found out. It still amazed her though that Gus had figured out that she was �up to something�, as he put it. He remained silent on the issue for quite some time until she came clean on her plan.
�Are you sure you need to do this?� was all he asked after she told him.
�Yes. It is the only way I know how to find that which is breaking within me and fixing it. The only problem being my family will not allow me to do it. Chris has said it was too dangerous and the kids, especially Robin, won�t understand. I have sent too many to die, and it is weighing heavy on my heart.� she told him. She could never understand why occasionally she would need to come to Gus� and unburden herself. She always felt better after doing it, and he reminded her so much of her father at times. Halea as a small child had always had an unnatural attraction to the old restauranteur she had a word that she used when she would talk to him. Only she knew it, but it always made him smile.
Gus had given her the schematics for the tube that they were going to use. Where he got them she didn�t ask. She just accepted it because she had no real choice. Everyone knew Gus and everyone trusted him, even Founder Two, so if the great cosmic cheat could trust him, then why not her?
After some study of the plans and the notes that were hand written in the margins, it was determined that the plans were for the maturation tubes that she had been created in, and that with only a little change here and there one would serve her purpose quiet nicely. She had the tube built to specifications in pieces and then assembled it herself. One of the privileges to being director was the occasional bullying of the guild staff- this included Doc.
�You plan to do what?� was how the conversation started.
�I am planning to enter the little death and you will not stop me.�
�I will try and convince you not to do this, yes.� he told her. �But will I succeed? Probably not. May I ask why you are doing this? Though, as your physician, I have the right to ask why you insist in placing your life in jeopardy.�
�Doc, please don�t ask for my reasons on this, just know that I need to do it.� She tightened up her mind shield so that the despair would not be evident. Forcing her heart to turn to stone once again so that those around her would not see or notice.
�Very well. When do we wish to do this?�
�I have already started the process, Stephen.� She had to stop herself from calling him Steven, the name she had given him in what would be his future.
�How long ago?� he asked.
�Nearly a year and a half. I know that I still have a while yet, because my stamina is even greater now then before. I will be sending the others away as it becomes nearer the time.�
�What do you mean by �the others�?� he asked her.
�Chris and the children. I have been sending them out on missions that will keep them out there for a while so that I can do this. I have also found a way to keep Alex and Robin busy together. I have ordered her to take a vacation and to take Robin with her. She is to not set foot on guild grounds for the next five years guild time.�
�So that was what had her all in a huff last week. She was very upset and was only mumbling.� Stephen mused.
�She is as bad as me about being a workaholic, and when Penny told me that she had never taken a real vacation longer then 12 hours, I had to do it.
�Michael has gone to Marcus� home timeline to help with Sheridan and the Earth Civil War and won�t be back for a while. He is there to keep an eye on both Bester and the Drakh. Gareth is off playing king again on a world with magic. Halea is off cataloging the civilizations of time line 11231 so that will take her a while- at least ten years, maybe longer. Gabe has been sent to Pern to help there, and to forgive himself for not being able to save Roger. The only one left is Chris. I will find something for him soon enough.�
It had taken three and a half years for her to starve herself enough for the little death to be feasible. The thing that had complicated the issue was all the blood of Ja�kul�s father she had consumed during carrying and after the birth of her and Mah Ralsh�s son. Mah Ralsh was an ancient and powerful dragon of his home world. It had been through both of their magics that she had given birth at all.
He was not able to take human form, for shape shifting was not an ability of his species. She was not able to be transformed into a dragon. Yet with the help of a quite a few really old spells they were able to magically inseminate her. The pregnancy had been difficult at best and a nightmare most of the time. But in the end, the boy was born- if you could call him a boy. The blood she had consumed to sustain her had done much to keep her going. To the point that she had not needed to feed since her return five years earlier. But it was time now and she knew it .
Chris had been gone for nearly nine months now and she was ready to do this, as ready as she would ever be. She placed the last of the notes and mission briefs in neat stacks so Sonia wouldn�t have to many problems. She crossed the room, turned off the lights and went to the other offices that were attached to hers. She made sure all was in order in the other offices- all neat and tidy. Once again she nearly blacked out. It had taken all her ability to get to the office this morning or was that yesterday she wasn�t sure.
Everything was a haze and she had problems seeing things straight. Light hurt her eyes more then ever.
She walked into Doc�s office. She was smart though; she had called ahead, telling him simply �It�s Time�.
�Time for what?� he asked, then bit off the rest of the sentence and simply said, �Oh, that time.
�Do you require assistance getting here?� he asked her.
�No, I will get there on my own.� she answered. She walked into the room and immediately overrode the lights. She had needed to do that the whole way to his office. �Stephen, help me change. I don�t have the strength to do it on my own.�
He helped her into the jump suit that she would be wearing during the procedure. Then he helped her down onto the table. �This will pinch a little.� he told her.
He was setting the feeding line. He didn�t want to use no anaesthetic, but Raven had told him that it would affect her wrongly. He then inserted the tubes into her spine and skull- those hurt a lot, but after a minute she didn�t feel the pain anymore.
He helped her to the tube, which was in the horizontal position, and helped her lay down. �What are you doing?� she asked him.
�Raven dear, your neural transmitters are beginning the final drop. I want you to be comfortable.� he told her, with more calm than he truly felt. She could feel the gel fill the tube below her. It would set up kind of like jello below her. Then, when her brain stopped, Doc would close the lid, finish filling it, then it would be turned upright. The two activator canisters would be added then, then what happened she couldn�t remember any more.
�Raven, close you�re eyes. It�s time.� he said.
�But they were closed.� she thought. �It�s dark, Doc. I can�t see. Is this what it�s like to die?� was the last thing she asked him.
Doc was glad for one thing- she could not see the tears in his eyes. A friend of Raven�s named Andrew had come to him nearly two years earlier and told him what her problem really was. She could not deal with the guilt of having those she was in charge of dying on her conscience. She by nature was not as hard as the image she worked very hard to cultivate. Consequently, she needed this time to deal with feelings that she buried so deep that not even Founder Two could find them. Somehow she was always able to accept the tasks set before her, yet all those that were here were in her care, so to speak.
It all came down to her original programming. She had been originally created to guide and guard humanity, at times even from itself. Only her uncle�s tampering had created the beast that lived below the surface. She had survived this long not by suppressing the beast, but by making it an equal part of herself. It was what gave her the strength to do whatever was needed, yet she would never ask anyone to have the blind acceptance she did. Not her husband, her children, or anyone else here under her care. She used the beast, as she called it, to hide from all the others how much each loss affected her very fragile soul.
�Stephen, to her this guilt is like a cancer.� Andrew had told him. �You must allow her to do this, and on her terms. She can not allow herself to be perceived as weak, all here rely on her strength. She is a rallying point for all the guild.
�I bet you didn�t know that she knows every person at guild hall, and takes the time to get to know each individual person on a one to one basis. Most of the time that is why she won�t talk about work outside the tower.
�To all those here, she is Raven. Most don�t know her as the director, and she wants it that way. This is also why she works so hard to keep everyone from knowing if she is injured or sick. She cultivates this like a well tended rose garden. She works hard to know them as people, to know there strengths and weaknesses. In that, she has reduced the amount of injuries and deaths. Yet the deaths still hurt her. She doesn�t even share this with Chris, yet he knows. If she knew that he knew it would hurt her. He knows this, so he says nothing.�
Dr. Harris asked Andrew how he knew all of this. �Because, good doctor, I have known her since she drew her first breath.� was Andrew�s response.
Stephen had a feeling then of something immense, even more so then the presence that was her grandfather Anu. He wanted to ask Andrew who he was, but became afraid of the answer.
�Stephen,� he told Doc, �all that matters is that she needs this, and is a friend to both of us. I hope that you can understand this- her heart and soul are bleeding. What she asks is the only way she feels that it can be mended without hurting others.
�I tell you this so that you can accept it, even though it hurts. If I could help her, I would, because she feels just as bad about hurting you with this secret. Yet she trusts you enough to understand and be able to forgive her.�
Doc finished filling the tube, after he checked the feed lines and receptors in the suit. He tipped the tube and activated the two canisters. One was a solution that turned the opaque gel clear, and the second was a canister of liquid oxygen. It pressurized the tube and allowed her body to become more efficient in the absorption of the blood needed. The blood flow would be triggered when there was no presence of neuro-transmitters in her brain.
The tube was fitted with a clear glass shell that was one way. On the inside of the tube it was blacker than a coal mine- even Raven�s spectral vision could not penetrate. It was also completely sound proof. It took twenty minutes before he saw the initial flow of blood through the tube. The tube pressure was at five thousand feet below sea level.
That was when Jolene walked in, carrying a cup of tea. �You are doing the right thing, Stroanar. She will be all right now.� she told her husband.
�I know.� was all he could say to her. He did one final check on things- that was when he saw the readings of an electrical pulse going through the gel at regular intervals. He was beginning to worry when Jolene looked at him and smiled.
�That thing really was her mother, wasn�t it?� she asked him. He only looked at her strangely. �That pulse- it is in time with a slow heart beat. Like what a fetus feels in the womb. The blood flow is also in time with this pulse. For her, it will be like going back to an embryonic state.�
Doc came every day to check on her, but this really was a hands-off operation. When the time came for what was termed �the fire�, this time it was different. The pulse rate of electricity increased, and the pressure went to ten thousand feet. The obvious pain that she was in subsided.
Raven was once again trapped within her mind and the feelings that she could no longer deal with. So many had died, most of them due to Cery�s father�s treachery. She could not bear the guilt she was feeling- it had become suffocating in how it felt.
The guild needed her strong, unlike her father, she was not a god. She had her mother�s blessing in things, and it was true the power of creation flowed through her veins, but she was still mortal. She still had doubts about the decisions she made, and when one was lost she felt it intimately. She was mentor and confidant and a shoulder to cry on to more people then was ever known. She made it a point to know all her people, because if she was going to send them to their deaths, she was not about to have them be nameless faces.
The death of Roger DuQuesne had set her on edge more then anyone suspected. Especially since Gabe and him were best friends. Now it was time for her to purge the feelings within her. What she didn�t know was that Andrew had made a few small arrangements. For one, all those that had gone on were being allowed to visit her now.
Roger had been first to come to her. �You know, Auntie Blackbird, it isn�t your fault, or Gabe�s, for that matter. No one could have gotten out of the way in time, not even you. You need to stop banging your head against the wall and what- ifing the situations.� he told her.
It would take the better part of a year in the tube on the outside for her to say good bye to them all. She still had no idea how she did it, inspiring the need to serve in them. While she lay there mending her heart, once again she had another visitor.
�You know, kid, you really have to stop beating yourself up over this. All need to end, even you will someday.�
�Why are you here, Charley?� Raven asked. Chaos looked offended. Raven had this strange habit of naming the primal forces of the universe; Chaos she called Charley.
�Just decided to have a peek around and see what you were up to.� he said. What most at the guild did not know was that unlike the gods, primals could and did come and go as they pleased. Once she and Chris had arrived at the guild, she began to notice them. Some more then others, but still they were there.
Once she had met Andrew, she began to understand the feelings that certain individuals inspired in her. To her, the primals were like children. Most of the time they liked snooping. She started remembering her first meetings with some of them. All had their own personality quirks, the little things that if you watched for you could recognize. War always was in red, Chaos� face was never the same way twice, but he always had a chaos star somewhere visible on him.
There were other markers for them all- she could spot them without trying now. Some made a game of it, like Charley. It was truly amazing to see how some of them would behave or not behave. Unlike the gods, who had their own agendas, the primals tended to want to have fun in their own way. Andrew and his brothers were different though from what she could see. Like her, their whole existence served a purpose.
�You know, kiddo,� Charley said to her, trying his best to be serious. He always called her that when he was doing his best to seem like a wise old man and not the irritating little brother he normally acted like. �You have to lighten up. You take their endings so personally. Those that deserve the rest get it, those that have been bad spend time learning what they need to, and finally they all end up in the recycle bin sooner or later. You might even go to the recycle bin when it is time, who knows? Mom ain�t telling no one.
�Personally, I think you are going to be one of the few that gets to make their own choice about ending. For now, you need to be able to forgive yourself for the things that happen that you can�t control. None of them are holding a grudge, and neither should you. You take all this way too seriously, and it really does you no good.�
�Are you finished?� she asked Charley.
�Yes, I am.� he said, rather proud of himself. �I have one thing to ask you, then. Raven, are you finished punishing yourself for the things you can�t control?�
�Yes, Charley, I am. I have made peace with those who are gone, and peace with myself.� she told Chaos.
�Good! Then, take a nap.� Before she could stop him, she felt herself drifting into sleep. Somehow Charley always managed to surprise her.
Stephen went into the small lab as he had done every day for the last twenty six months, to find the tube once again horizontal and it empty. It took him a few seconds to follow the slimy foot prints to the lavatory. He was about to open the door when her heard the shower that had been set up in the room. It was then that he got an additional surprise. For the first time, he heard Raven singing in the shower. He could not make out all the words, but he knew that the song was old and sad.
He was about to leave when the water shut off. He could hear her still singing as he turned to walk off. �Stephen, can you hand me that satchel of clothes, since you�re out there?� she called to him.
It always surprised him that she could do that. He was never sure if it was her hearing or her sense of smell or maybe even her telepathic abilities, but she always knew when someone entered a room. �How are you feeling today, Madam?� he asked, knowing full well her response, or so he thought.
That was when once again she surprised him. �Stiff and in need of a hot cup of tea, preferably something with flavor. Actually, Stephen, if you would be a dear and bring me a cup of Klingon tea, that would be much appreciated.� she said.
He thought about it. �But that is toxic to humans, Raven.� he commented.
�I know, but it is the only thing that I think will get this wretched taste that make Chris� gym socks smell nice out of my mouth. Especially since there is nothing else in here for me to drink.�
It was then that he thought about all the tubes that he had placed in her. She walked out of the room, carrying the tubes in one hand. �You looking for these?�
�Why yes, Madam, I was.� he replied, doing all he could to save face.
�Well, shall we leave here?� she asked him.
�What about the tube, Raven?�
�Oh, that�s easy.� She walked over to the tube, closed the lid, and hit a large red button that he had not noticed. There was a noise that sounded much like a toilet flushing. Within moments, the tube was empty and clean, as though it had never been used. They left the room, the tank covered and clean.
�Shall we go get my tea, Stephen?� she asked him.
�Yes, Raven, we shall.� he said, offering her his arm. Once again, all was right with her universe for now.