RAGE april

2nd April
   i'm now 18 years old. it was my birthday yesterday, april 1st (april fool's day). alex, who was in a band with my bro, phoned me and we went to kingston and i got pissed at some pub on a measly 1 pint of cider. bear in mind i'd only had 5 mini chocolate eggs for breakfast. i then made my way home, got in the shower, i was feeling very sick and drunk. then in the evening i went to another pub with loads of people i know. this included: nicola, alistair, robin, pete, bas, rob, hesh, robin, les, alec, mark, dave, darren, (fat) matt, kieren, alice & jenny. there was frigging millions of us. i got wasted and hadn't bought myself one drink. it was such a laugh, especially the fact that alec was more pissed than me, and couldn't stop laughing. that was funny. bas gave me some fake shells bra, like hawaiian grass skirt women wear. and alistair bought me this wicked present: a freddy krueger hand, like in a nightmare on elm street. it was weird cuz apparently he'd already bought it when i started describing this wicked scene from that film to him the other day, where the girl's being pushed around in this room and all these gouge, scratch marks appear on her chest and she drops into the bed which is full of blood. and i'd also said to someone else that i wanted to make one of those claw hands, so the present ruled. and he got me this patch to sew onto my bag which is of Tweety Pie saying "Even I like a bit of pussy". oh, how we laughed. i received a lot of brilliant cards. on friday at school sofee gave me this card she'd made which had a picture of joey on the front which she'd drawn. it was a really good picture.  'to saga jordison' it started, and later ended 'love sofee crahan and the baby clowns------>how sad am i?'  we are pretty damn lame. but slipknot are great, from all aspects. and me, sofee, matt and rob should be going to a metal club at some point this easter (i'm on break for over 3 weeks).
  i got a sewing machine for my birthday . it's so cool, it does 19 types of stitching and now i can make loads of clothes and stuff. it rules. luv got me a belt and the picture on the metal clamp at the front of it is of a girl, like the pic on a female loo door.
   i spent all last week writing up a biology coursework project which had to be in on friday only to find it had been wiped off my disk on friday morning. luckily i'd printed much of it out, so i had to re-write the conclusion, results and evaluation. but it was so annoying, i got so tense.
  all these prep formers made me these cards for my birthday, i treasure those cards, they rule.
   me and luv and some others are going to incubus soon. it's gonna be the fucking shit. i'm listening to vision of disorder. they're playing this tiny venue on the 8th july. but my school ball's on on that night and i don't want to miss that. vicci's going to be my partner. i'm going to her ball as her partner. it's a maquerade. also, today i went to vicci's. judy was meant to be there as we were gonna discuss the horror movie we're gonna make on the summer, but first judy had to go home to feed her grandma, and her grandma had a panic attack so judy had to stay so i went round to vicci's anyway, and we watched 'the collector'. that film is stunning. and we ate some chocolate eggs and went for a walk. my old house is in a state. but i don't really miss it. i think since we moved me and vicci have become closer. i do miss being able to run up to the shops during the break of a tv progarmme, get some food and get back in time to see the programme come back on. ah, those were the days.
here are some things i can now legally do, since turing 18:
>buy alcohol
>get married without my parents' consent
>go to most porn shops, and buy porn....this is great. and i can probably do other stuff, i don't know what though. anyway, i'm out for now.

8 april
   well, i've spent most of this week drinking. it's bad b/c since i turned 18 i've been going out loads...and getting wasted. but it's with my friends so that's cool. on wednesday i went to the sports bar with nicola, robin, hesh, and some others. i tried this really nice drink called a 'snakebite'. it's cider, lager and blackcurrent juice. it tastes like ribena. it's so yummy, but it gave me a very bad headache, and i couldn'tsleep till 2 in the morning. hesh told me when mark once puked on drinking 'snakebites' his puke was bright red. apparently some pubs don't serve snakebites b/c they are lethal when it comes to getting drunk.
   and then yesterday i went with nic and alice to a pub and then met up at another bar with robin, hesh, alec, kelvin and people from the year below us. and on thursday i went to robin's house. we just chilled and watched 'dazed and confused'. that film rules. it has no point to it but yet it says something. just a loads of teenagers getting stoned/wasted/pulled. and ate this delicious curry robin's dad had made and this even nicer rice. and we went to the park and just sat and talked about how cool it is when you're a child. everything's so simple, and we really miss that. when 15 minutes of reading for homework seemed like so much. and nothing was difficult, it was all so straightforward. children have this beautiful purity and innocence which is just the most stunning thing to see. and we were watching these 2 little kids playing football in the park with their dad. children are great , they rule. it's when they start to learn about the cruel intent in the world that they lose that beauty. growing up is both an amazing and sad experience. learning that your parents aren't these perfect creatures; that people do have bad intentions; that you can't just laze around, not worrying about money, food, etc. and thats very sad to lose that. it's the weirdest feeling to put yourself into the frame of mind of a child again. try it.
    until later, stay (sic)

9 april
ever find out something pretty shocking in a most awkward, calm way? so that, even though it seems like 'woah, shit' at first, the person telling it to you is appears just so utterly  unshaken by it? i thought they were teasing me, and i thought that for almost the whole time i was with them that it was a joke. it was just so blase "oh, yeah, by the way..." she'd just forgotten, it seemed like. and then we moved onto another topic b/c i just thought she was teasing me. we carried on, for a few hours, until she said something else about it. and then i thought "why's she saying this again?" so i asked. and she told me it's true. and she's so accepting of it. at first, she said, for about 5 seconds she just thought "OH my god" and felt very hot, when she first knew. and then she didn't go into denial, but just an utter acceptance. 'that's how it is, i may as well accept it'. she knows what she's going to do, though i asked and she said she is torn in her mind. her decision is based on her considering her situation. and we all joked about it, and had fits of laughter later on, but it's serious. it was just like "wow". just so surreal. especially how when she'd first told me and she actually wasn't the one who remembered, someone else said it, and she was like'oh, yeah'. and it was where i first heard it.
   that's it for today

15 april
   bas's mum's away so he decided to a have a small gathering of friends at his house. it was everyone who hangs around with us at break: pete, rob, al, muthahuffer, matt (who used to go to our school), me and bas, obviously.
   well, me and al met up in kingston yesterday at 6 and went to a pub. we then proceeded to drink copious amounts of alcohol. the party was a bring your own. we couldn't be bothered so drank at the pub instead. i had 7 shots of vodka, got to bas's, drank 4 more. felt very ill. pete and bas took me in the garden. it was freezing. i puked, but only water which they'd been giving me. then pete fed me vinegar and i puked more water. let it be said that vinegar is a great way to make somone puke. works every time.
    it was wicked cuz at one point me and al were the only ones in the house (the others had gone to the off license) and we were rolling around on the floor just pissing ourselves about nothing. and in a weird way i actually really enjoyed sitting in the garden puking water, and just talking with various people. it ruled. i had such a good time. my mum doesn't know i puked. i just got home, went to bed, lay there for 1 hour. went downstairs and made myself a sandwich with cheese, toast , salad and 8 chicken nuggets. then i made another with 3 pieces of bacon. i burnt my hand on the grill b/c i was drunk.
   and i lay wake all night thinking about stuff. i finally forced myself to stop thinking and went to sleep at 8am this morning. i had 3 and a half hours sleep. at about 6am i went downstairs and watched a bit of tv. at that time in the morning you get the total freaks on tv. and to proove this point, i switched onto some kid's programme and Scooch were on there. one of the blokes in that group has a really freaking shiny forehead. they suck.
    i feel quite feeble and weak today, as i have had so little sleep. my friend robin might be coming over later. robin's cool. i have alot of respect for that boy. my body is now asking me to not drink for a while as i have drunk copious amounts of alcohol recently and my body is not feeling very good because of this. i may write more here later, but i don't feel great so i'm stopping for now.

22 april
   i have now given up drinking for a time. i am bored of pubs, bars and anywhere else that sells alcohol. i am tired of having sore eyes from smoke; a sore throat generally, which i think i got from last night being in the cold.
   yesterday, rob, alice, jenny, depen and me went to this fun fair. it was really nice just wandering round, it was quite calm, we weren't under any pressure. i had some candy floss, ah sweet, sweet candy floss. you can't get sweeter since it is pure sugar. we went on this one ride which we didn't think spun on it's side, we thought it just spun horizontally. we were wrong. me and jenny couldn't stop laughing, we couldn't breathe properly because of the pressure. and me and alice watched the other 3 when they went on the ride which is where you get stuck to the wall by gravitational pull alone. it was hilarious because rob and depen were slipping down- it wasn't going fast enough- and their trousers, especially rob's, stayed stuck to the wall so they pulled right up and his legs were sticking out and they were all wedged up. i was wetting myself.
   i am feeling very odd at the moment. quite distant from a lot of things. i feel like i have little enthusiasm towards other people. i just want to section myself off from the world and live in my room, eat fruit and healthy stuff, and drink water and milk. i think i will do this for the next few remaining days of easter holiday. then it's back to school. i've been doing a fair bit of revising. i actually enjoy it, oddly enough. i haven't done anything on slipknot barbie part 2 this holiday but she's doing well anyway. till later, stay (sic)

29th april
   went to incubus on thursday, it was awesome. they are amazing live, though the bass was quite loud compared to the rest of the intruments, and the music overall wasn't quite loud enough, though i think it was good for the atmosphere. i'd decided to get a long sleeved top and got this wicked baseball style one which says 'enjoy incubus' on it with the fanta logo. they didn't play 'consequence' or 'drive' which was unfortunate, but it was a wicked evening. apparently, when they played again on friday they had to cut their set short as some kid broke his back, that is so awful, i hope the kid's ok, the last thing you think of happening at a gig is damaging yourslef so badly. there was some really fine bloke at the gig who i saw hanging with these people who live near me. i haven't had any good eye candy for ages. it doesn't bother me, but it's always nice to admire something from afar. he was goddamm sexy. very, very attractive. a bit drugged up looking, but still attractive.  
  today i voted for london mayor. i mainly did it because , well i don't really care about politics and i don't undertscand it either, but me and my bro had this running joke about voting for ken livingstone, so i thought i may as well go along, with my dad who was voting early, as he won't be here on the day. i was looking at the list of options and there's a communist party. dated.
   alex invited me to a squat party earlier but i'm so tired i couldn't be bothered.
got 12 pairs of socks today, that was a purile and irrelevenat comment, but then this hwole site is purile and irrelevent. i was talking with someone about the fact that ultimately what one human does does not add up to a difference in a universe of such ;arge proportions, so you could see it as pointless doing anything, but then comes the idea of micro and macro level reality-  we see the macro level- a book, a car, a tree- all objects are very different to each other. but on a micro level they are the same, everything is the same. there is no difference. so these minute electrons and stuff are moving about randomly, and the movement of one can affect milllions of the others, trillions. and so the idea is, a butterfly flapping its wings could cause a hurricane in india, or something, it's very interesting. in RS we were talking about this in relevance to Nietzsche and Providence. shit, i just remembered we got a theology test on tueday and i forgot all my books at school. oh, well, what's the likelihood i'd've revised anyway. i'll just read the bible or something, fun, not. stay (sic) maggots