JANUARY

8th January
Well, my nipple seems to be doing well (see bottom of page for picture of what I had done to it). I was reading 'The Dice Man' the other night, whilst lying on my side, and i lifted up my arm and when i put it down it got caught on the bar ion my nipple. goddamm f_kk. i thought i'd ripped it out it was SO painful. and then i kept getting this vision of that bit in 'Airheads' when the policeman pulls 2 nipple rings out of this guy's nipples. so of course, that made it hurt alot more.
i heard about this Slipknot competition to make a mask and the prize is to get your photo taken with them whilst you and them are wearing constituent masks. My mask theme is evil little girl. I'm rushing, as i guess it has to be in soon. I'll give further details once i've sent it in. I got hold of all these cool things from  DIY stroe to make the mask.
I'm meant to be going to 2 girls in my year's party. You're meant to dress up as a gangster/ moll. I was going to go in a black shirt, pale pink/white tie, and trousers and boots- a sort of take on male gangsters- but at the moment i'm thinking 'can i be bothered?' i've been doing biology project all frigging day. good grief. oh, yeah, that's my new phrase along with 'good lord'. i like saying good grief and good lord, as one makes me sound like charlie brown and the other makes me feel like a really sensible young girl. ha. right.
I got these cool knee high boots when me and vicci went to oxford street. they �50- that is the mutherhuffing most i have spent or will ever spend on anything. but they are the nicest i've seen. not tacky and stuff like most rude girls wear to go clubbing. no, they've got thick soles, not heels, and look more goth than anything. i could kick the crap out of someone in them. but i won't.
oh, i FINALLY got a melvins album. that has taken 3 YEARS. unbelievable. I wanted to get 'Ozma..' but they only had 'Houdini'. it is such an amazing album. i love it. different and yet similar to things i've heard before. i've also been listening to Luv's Mr Bungle album. it's so insane. i love that too.
my room is such a mess. i don't want to go up there. There's this book case in my room which i haven't ever sorted out since we moved in here, which is about 1 and a half years ago. one day i'll sort it out...one day. oh, man, our house stinks of onions at the moment. i keep thinking it's me, but it's not.
shit, alistair is having his 18th birthday on friday and he's having friends go round london in a Limo for 3 hours. it is going ot be such a laugh. my slipknot mask project will be carried out partly in his company. that's how it was with the slipknot barbie. each week before games he'd sit and do art work in the art room and i'd make mini masks. a couple of times the head art teacher came in and was like "what are these?" (they were in VERY early stages...not much shape to them yet, no detail) and i was like "oh, uh, they're masks for barbie" and she goes "what, beautiful masks or kinky?"
i just sat there going "oh, beautiful". then whenever she saw me she was like "still doing your kinky masks ?" for a joke, and i'd just go 'haha yes' and humour the woman. I think she would have fainted if she'd seen the finished product. she's sort of frail. but the other art teacher saw it and he thought it was quite good. he thinks i'm godamm weird though. he live at 61 on my road, and i live at 62. freaky.I saw some of my Prep formers at school on friday (i had to go in for 1 hour to help with the kids coming in for exams). god, my prep formers RULE. 10 year olds are still just at that age where they tell you the truth, no rubbish, and are, on the most part, not really lippy.
weid dream last night. i dremt me and my bro, Luv, were hanging out with Slipknot after a show and they were all shaving their hair off, but i managed to convince joey not to do it. it was a cool dream. me and joey were like good friends. neat.
I finished re-reading 'Sati', the book about the girl who thinks she is God. As philosophy goes, it's not hard to read. that reminds me i still have 'The Book of Living and Dying' to read. now that is probably the f-kken hardest thing to read. anyway, i cannot recommend this 'Sati' book enough. it's written by Christopher Pike (children's horror writer). he's a member of the same sect thing as my sister used to be. when i'd finished re-reading it i couldn't help thinking.:'i wish there was someone like that girl around'. i mean, i don;t believe in religion and god in that sense, but it's like this basic inner part of me saw something comforting in this character of Sati and i wanted her to be real because it would explain so much.  if you read it you'll understand why the man telling the story says
"If she wasn't God, she was everything God should be."
Anyway, i'm really tired now, so laterz.

9 January
All i have to say is that i spent most of the party last night puking. a MASSIVE thankyou goes out to Rob who took care of me. the poor lad wrote me a worried and shocked email the next day telling me, and i quote: "you were dribbling sick for what seemed like ages." I have a gash on my chin from falling over at some point. can't remember when. there is also some vague memory of someone who handed me drinks all evening. but their face evades me. i hate getting that drunk. but members of my wonderful RS (Philosophy) class helped me. i puked this morning as well. I stink of sick, and my trousers are covered in it. In the car on the way home i felt really ill so i just opened the car window and puked down the side of the car. then my dad stopped, so i opened the car door and let it all out over the street.
i feel really ill. laterz people

16 January
i went back to school on monday. the novelty of seeing the few people i like wore off by 9.30 am. luckily, on  monday mornings i got 2 out of the 3 first lessons free. on friday alistair had his 18th birthday party in a limo. we went all round london-, seeing the millenium wheel, st paul's, houses of parliament. that was cool. everyone  was quite pissed. i'm glad to say i wasn't even remotely so- i was barely drinking. apparently, al puked, though as far as i know he hadn't when i got out of the car at my house, but then , there was plenty of time left for him to do so. in the limo it was alistair, kat, louise, miles, ian, simon, bas, pete, les and me. it was really cramped with us all in the car,so quite uncomfortable, and we made a total mess. we took loads of photos so when they're done, i'll scan some on.
luv is at his band practice. oh, on the next heatham, stubborn are playing (ex-boyfriend's band). they're really good live. i guess if i had to liken them to some bands it'd be incubus,  limp bizkit, rage against the machine, you get the picture. but they have quite a unique sound.
this saturday me and nicola, and possibly sophie, are going to ann summers to get some cool shit. ann summers is basically a store which sells kinky stuff, outfits, accessories, etc. it's not hardcore, but it has all the basics. there are a few stores around the country and we're going to the one on tottenham court road (next to the astoria where  a lot of wicked bands have played). i'm hoping to get a nurses outfit, just to wear generally, sophie wants to get a school girl outfit ( i think she wants a rubber one) and nic wants to get me the final part of  my christmas present. i think she wants to get me handcuffs, but something kinky anyway. i'd prefer a leather good. it'll be a laugh. anyway, i'm out.

28 January
The last couple of weeks have introduced few things to me, so the following comments may not be incredibly interesting. nicola, sophie and me went to 2 sex shops last weekend to find (for me and sophie) nurses uniforms. neither had the cotton tight ones we were imagining, but 1 of them is getting some in and putting them aside for us. sophie wants to dye hers pink. we might wear them to see slipknot.
   went to camden after that and i got this hooded playboy top with the playboy bunny on the front. it is f-kken IT.
   sent my mask to the slipknot competition in metal hammer to make your own mask. i'll post a picture of it on here tomorrow. basically it has eyes shaped like tears, with one having a big black cross over it; chains as the hair, in bunches; a mouth sewn up and a lace-up hood, oh and tubes coming from the nose, like hospital tubes.
   going to HH tomorrow, and my ex's band is playing, they are an amazing band. i can't describe what they sound like. they're metal style though. go to friends pages for a link to their page (Stubborn). dave is the drummer. he is off his head when it comes to drumming, he's so good at it. it's weird. i split up with him 5 months ago, but i think i found out he slept with someone else a while ago and i don't feel jealous, i feel hurt. i don't get it. and now i'd like to pull him, no strings attached. i am very confused. i was so unhappy when i was going out with him. i have better conversations with him now we split up. i am so friggin confused. i think i want to prove to myself he still likes me in some way. and he was a good pull. i've currently given up on myself. god only knows what is going on in my head.
   some 3rd years  (13/14 y/o) got suspended for doing poppers at school IN FRONT OF ONE OF THE SCHOOL SECURITY CAMERAS. considering there are about 4 cameras in total around the entire school, i got 2 words- stupid f-kken idiots. so that may have been 3 words, but that still doesn't make me as stupid as them. and they go around telling all their year '"oh look at this joint"; "ooh, i've done poppers"; "wow, i'm so cool, i do drugs". let me tell anyone who reads this- you wanna do drugs?  do because you want to, not to brag. doing drugs isn't about bragging, it's about doing them because you enjoy the experience. and for the record, those 3rd years suck dick.
i'm seeing vicci at heatham which is cool, and rob's coming along. ah, the old crew. how we used to laugh. i'm looking forward alot to seeing stubborn play again, as they've not played for months, as they were doing new material.
in RS it was only 3 of us [2 were at hockey] and we were talking (me and alec, yes rob was asleep as usual [let's be honest rob, i'm not jjoking ]) about referring to God as the Real. the Ultimate, rather than God, a rather human like figure. the Real is a far wider spectrum. me and alec really liked the idea of a Real and that when we die we simply become part of a Being. not the noun 'a Being' as in 'a dog', 'human', whatever, but 'Being' as in the verb 'to be'. but it can be taken either way, depending on your concept of it. when you die you just Become, full stop. you are at one in a Being you came from, and left only, if ever, to live this life. we are all equal, though equal is not strong enough to describe how we are in the state of Being. we are One. we are Only.
i'd never thought of this idea before. we really liked that approach. our teacher said that's what  mysticism is about . "true mystics", he called us.
the Ultimate is the Real is the One is us.

29 January
posted a photo of me in my mask. go to Personal Photos to see it.

This is someone getting their nipple pierced.  note, this is not my breast, and that the man in the white gloves is not a magician. thankyou for your time and co-orperation