Happiness
Is Measured Out In Miles
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE
Nobody said a word and I didn't dare to
look up for fear of finding John kissing the blond girl. It was incredible! I
couldn't control my own feelings. I still loved John. It was impossible to deny
that. I suddenly heard his footsteps approaching me and then I saw his lovely
legs standing in front of me. I had no choice but looking up at him.
- "Pretty girl, John. I'm glad for
you", I coldn't come up with anything more intelligent than that. But John's
eyes were sad and full of pain.
- "I'm gladder for Paul, you
know", there was resentment in his voice. I knew this topic wasn't going
to lead us anywhere. I got up to go but John grabbed my shoulder and squeezed
it hard, almost hurting me. I was a little bit scared, although I knew John
wouldn't hurt me. I looked for help with my eyes inside the house but Paul was
nowhere to be seen. Edu and George were talking to Bill and Brian Jones, and
Ringo and Maureen were with Brian Epstein. Marianne Faithful saw me but sure
she had her mind at another place. John's hand weakened a little.
"Vicky...", I looked at him. I still loved that face. I still loved
those sharp features... and as usual, my legs weakened and I felt very weak
inside. He leaned to kiss me and I would have kissed him with all my heart
hadn't it been for Paul popping out at that ver same moment.
- "I knew I had to keep an eye on
you, Lennon! What on Earth do you think you're doing?"
- "Fuck off, Macca! Go back to play
PR with the fucking guests!"
- "Still not taking in the fact that
she's no longer with you, are you, Lennon?", John looked at me again with
sad eyes. "Your smashing blonde is all alone waiting for you and all the
cats are trying to get her... Seems you don't mind at all", John saw I was
sad.
- "Shut up your bloody gob, Macca! Or
you'll regret having met her!", I was starting to feel dizzy... Knowing
how aggressive John could be, I was foreseeing an unpleasant scene.
- "Met who? That bloody bitch or
Vicky? I sure regret having met that bimbo".
- "You fucking know what I mean!
Don't play bloody dumb on me, Paul, I know you better thatn that!", Paul
came to me and grabbed my hand.
- "Let's get out of here, luv. Some
people are too stoned to understand eral things!", he pushed me to take me
inside the house but John grabbed my other hand and stopped me. I felt
miserable. I looked at Paul first, then at John. Both were really hurt and
begged with their eyes. They were forcing me to decide, but I couldn't decide
at that very moment. I broke away from oth and went running inside the house. I
started to look for Edu. When I found her talking to Anita, Brian Jones'
girlfriend, I just grabbed her by the arm and took her away:
- "Sorry, Anita, I've got to talk to
her!", Anita just shrugged and turned around to talk to her fellow Rolling
Stones' girl friends.
- "What's up, Vicky?", she was
scared.
- "Edu, dear, I'm in a great mess!
Both John and Paul are crwzy, Edu. I can't believe they are forcing me to
choose now between them", her face changed into a mischivious grin.
- "Oh, Vicky! Too bad, you see! Two
Beatles crazy about you, you know", she shook her head. "You must be
the unluckiest girl in the world", she was joking, of clourse, but I
wasn't in a laughing mood so I just wanted to talk to her seriously.
- "Edu, please, this is serious! I
can't choose between them. Not now!!"
- "So, don't do it now, Vicky! It's
as simple as that. Tell them you have to think about it, that you need time.
You can come to Kinfanus if you want, so you can be apart from both", that
seemed a good idea.
- "OK, Edu. Is the service there? I
just want to go right now", she looked at me with genuine surpirse. When
she recovered, she nodded. "Alright thene, I'm leaving. Please, don't tell
anyone where I'm going", Edu made a strange face.
- "They'll guess, Vicky. They're not
fools", I shrugged.
- "I don't mind, anyway".
- "Take care", she gave me a
little peck on the cheek and I headed towar the door trying not to be seen. I
spotted John. Why on Earth out of everybody at the party I had to spot John?
He was smoking a joint and was leaned on the wall, staring absent-mindly in
front of him. The smashing blonde was stroking his hair but he wasn't paying
any attention to her. I felt a pang of incredible jealousy. John was still so
sexy and attractive to me that I was about to go there had not been for Paul,
who just spotted me and came towards me hurriedly. I didn't feel like talking
to him right then, so I rushed towards the door and tried to leave but he was
quicker and grabbed my shoulder:
- "Luv, where are you going?"
- "I'm going", I said, rather
matter-of-factly. I didn't want to tell him I was going away from him for a
while.
- "Where, luv?", his face was
sad. He was begging me with his eyes, as if imploring me to stay. I looked at
him fixedly in the eyes but didn't answer. Didn't want to, becasue I needed to
be alone and think about everything. It was weird. Ever since I had started my
relationship with Paul, in the middle of my other relationship with John, it
was clear that what I wanted was to be with Paul. Now everything was out in the
open, I had told John, I could freely be with Paul (and more when John had
confessed he had slept with several other women, which made everything a lot
easier). But now, seeing John and Paul together, both being in love with me, it
was hard. Yes, it was really difficult to decide. John had been my life, the
man of my life for years and although my relationship with Paul had started
about a year and a half later, my story with him was a different kettle of
fish.
- "Paul...", I finally said.
"I need to be alone for a couple of days... I need to think...", Paul
was miserable now.
- "It's because of John, isn't it?
You can't forgter him nor get rid of 'im...", I left my head hanging
onwards. Paul knew that was exactly what was wrong. Anyway, Paul was more
reasonable than John. John would have shouted and cursed and blown his top.
Paul didn't say a word. He just got rid of my shoulder and said: "OK. How
much time do you think you will need? We have a British tour very soon and I'd
like to know before it...", I shook my head:
- "I don't know, Paul... I'll phone
you up", and I mant it. I meant to phone Paul with whatever news I might
have. John was more difficult. Before walking out the door, I looked for John
with my eyes. I couldn'tr see him but I spotted his smashing blonde standing
alone near the bar that Brian had prepared. I couldn't leave without seeing
John. I looked for him desperatley with my eyes and providing that I was as
short-soghted as a bat, that proved very difficult. I finally decided to give
up because Paul was standing right in front of me and he was looking hurt and
miserable. I smiled at him. "Bye, Paul", and I was finally out of the
door.
I went straight to Kinfanus in a taxi.
I would go to pick up my car in the next few days and I would also pick up my
clothes and belongings that were at Paul's. I would try to do that when I made
sure paul wasn't around. To sort this difficult thing out I had to be completely
alone. But that was very difficult becasue one day an unexpected visitor came
to Kinfanus.
I had never asked edu or George how
John or Paul were doing. They had lots of rehearsals for their upcoming tour in
britain, that's what I knew from George. But one day Edu, George and I were in
the living room. George was playing sitar for us. He was trying to teach Edu,
she eas lately very much into the Indian culture and he was even trying to go
to India to get into the Indian culture in such. Geoge and edu were sitting on the floor, cross-legged, George
always commented tyhat was the best way to play the sitar. I was reading a book
on Indian culture George and Edu had insisited so much on me reading it that I
finally agreed. At least I could be sistracted. But it was a hard task. My mind
went from John to Paul and from Paul to John. I had thought a lot about them
both. John was the one I loved, I had reached that conclusion from the very
moment I left him. He was the love of my life, the man that I'll always love no
matter what. Paul was sort of a whim. Yes, I had lived very good moments with
him, but what I felt for John could not be compared to what I felt for Paul.
What I felt for John was LOVE. But I could not go back to him. Not so early,
anyway, becasue he had confessed he had cheated on me many times. At least Paul
hadn't cheated while he was with me.
Then we heard the doorbell. Edu got up
to open the door. Their housekeeper was not working that day. When the Beatles
were about to have a tour or had just had it, Edu always got rid of them so we
could be on our own having fun. When she came back to the living room, John was
trailing behind her. There was tension in the air. John looked at me and I
looked at him. We hadn't seen each other since that party where they were
celebrating the Rubber Soul release. I got up and walked to him. My
heart started beating really fast, as always happened every time I saw John.
When I got near him, John's feautres sharpened, but he gave me a soft peck
on my cheek and whispered:
- "Yer as lovely as usual", I
blushed. John was still the one who aroused me more than anyone in this world.
- "Thanks", I said. Then
silence. No one said a word. Then John spoke.
- "I need to talk to George".
- "Oh!", I said, very very
disappointed. I honestly thought John had come to talk to me. I didn't want my
disappointment to show but John noticed. We'd known each other for three years
and he knew me too well.
- "We can talk afterwards, if ye
want...", he said, as though he owed me something. He sort of felt in debt
with me, but after all I was the one who had left him so it was me who should
be wanting to talk to him.
George and Edu had remained in the room
but Edu was very clever for those things. I don't know what she told George but
he said to John:
- "Can't talk to you now, Johnny. Edu
and I have to go to meet Eric. Talk to you tomorrow", everybody knew this
was an excuse. George and Edu always talked to Eric at nights but anyway they
left and John and I remained face to face.
- "Sit down", I told him. He did
and I sat down in front of him. I observed him. God was he sexy! HIs hair and
fringe were longer than ever. I remembered when he received his MBE. We were
together then and John had told me how he hated those things. He accepted the
medal on Brian's request, but that day we'd been together, we had made love and
John had told me he loved me. I believed him then, but when I found out not
long after that he had slept around... Oh, God, I didn't want to think of that.
My face showed pain.
- "What 'appened, Vicky?", he
suddenly blurted out. "What did I do wrong?", that was the eternal
question he always asked me. But this time I had an answer.
- "You slept with other women, John.
How could I forget that?"
- "Fuckin' shit, Vicky! They were
meaningless", no, no... I didn't want to hear that. That was no reason to
sleep around.
- "You didn't seem to mind, John. You
seemed to forget I was absolutely in love with you".
- "And I also loved you madly,
Vicky. I still do..."
- "But you're with that... I don't
know her name. What's her name, John?"
- "Do ya think I could possibly have
a serious relationship with her? I just shagged her, she was there for me when
nobody wanted me... When YOU didn't want to be with me", he stopped. I
didn't know what to say. I had been a fool for having left John. I should have
never done it. But now it was too late. John seemed to read my mind.
"Anyroad, that's too late now. There's nothing we can do", he said,
getting up.
- "Are you leaving?", he smiled at
me.
- "Yeah, I'm leaving. And I won't
disturb ya anymore, luv. I see yer quite happy with Paul. I've been down and
out for a long time after ya left me, but I'm OK now. I'll bloody
survive", I gulped. That meant John was telling me goodbye, that there was
no way we could be together. No, no! Oh, no! I saw everything clear now, I wanted to be with John. Yes, only
with John.
- "John, we could work it out! We
really could!", I was sort of begging him. I didn't want to lose him. I
had been thinking a lot and I had reached the conclusion that I wanted to be
with John.
- "We can't luv", he said. He
smiled at me with that wonderful smile I'll never forget. "How could I be
with you knwoing you've been with me best fucking friend? Can just close me fuckin' eyes and forget it
al?", my heart was beating fast. At the moment I wasn't with any of them.
If I had gone to edu's was just because my head was a mess and I wanted to
think. But I had thought. And a lot. And my heart belonged to John.
- "John, please..."
- "Shhh", he interrupted me.
"I'll always love ya, luv. I'll never forget ya, ya've been an important
part of me life. But we can't be together, understand", I was almost in
tears. I was feeling that horrible lump in my throat and my heart was beating
so fast that I thought I would explode. I didn't want to lose John. No, no, I
didn't!! He was walking towards the door.
- "JOHN!!", I shouted. He looked
at me for the last time and said:
- "Bye, luv. Ta for
everything!", and walked away. I was left behind in agony. I couldn't
stand it. I was going to die. Oh, God! I went running to the phone and dialled
Paul's number. He himself answered.
- "Hello?"
- "paul!", I was desperate. I
felt desperate and alone. I thought that only Paul loved me. "I need to
talk to you! I've made up my mind, I want to be with you!", I didn't mean
what I was saying, of course, but I felt alone, defeated and unloved.
- "Oh, vicky... Ahm... I have to talk
to you too. I'll go for you in, say, an hour?", I didn't know if it was my
agitation or something but Paul had sounded, let's say, not too enthusiastic
about seeing me?
- "OK, I'll be here! Bye,
Paul!", he didn't even reply to my bye. He just hang up. I was in so much
hurry to see Paul that I almost drove over the speed limit twice as much. I
couldn't wait for him to come to Kinfanus. I had to go there and be there
before the planned hour.
When I arrived at cavendish Avenue the
lights at Paul's house were on. My heart beat fast. I had lost John, that was
for sure. Never in all my life had I seen John so sure of something. For him,
and I understood, coming back to me would be a humilliation rebuff in front of
his fans. I knew he loved me. One can not forget the person you've shared your
life with for the last three years in a minute. As for me, I couldn't hurt both
John and Paul. Only one was enough. I thought whether John would go back to
Cyn. That was quite unlikely, though. He had confessed me thousands of times he
never loved her and that he had only married her because she got pregnant. I
also got pregnant... Uff, that was long long yime ago. Now, as John song went,
our life had changed in oh so many ways... I saw all the apple Scruffs waiting
there at paul's gates. They all already knew me. One of them even waved at me
when I entered with the car into Paul's front garden.
I got out of the car and went to Paul's
front steps. I rang the buzzer and the door opened. Nobody answered the
interphone, I reckoned paul had guessed it was me and had opneed directly. I
went up and found Paul in the music room, playing the piano. he didn't realise
I had entered, so I stood there, listening to his wonderful tune. didn't recognise the song. After a couple of
minutes, and seeing that paul was so immersed in his music, I decided to let
him know I was there so I walked towards him and embraced him from behind. He
stopped playing the piano then, turned to me but didn't embrace me back. He
offered me a somehow forced smile and got up. I went to kiss him but he walked
away.
- "I thought I had to go for
you...", he said.
- "Couldn't wait, Paul".
- "Wanna something to drink?",
he offered me. I shook my head. He went to his living room. I followed him and
saw him light a cigarette. He poured Scotch and Coke in a long glass for hiim
and lingered on there for a couple of minutes. I observed him. He was unusually
nervous or excited. He stroked his hair every now and then. I started to panic.
I felt something was wrong too with paul. I was losing my patience.
- "What's wrong, Paul?"
- "This is bad for me, you know... I
mean...", my heart was in my mouth by then. Something was wrong. Paul was
going to tell me something I would not like. I could feel it... I walked
towards him and tried to be lovey. That always worked. It had worked with John
and with Paul several times before. I had my hopes it would work. I stroked his
hair and kissed him sexily on his cheek.
- "Paul... I love you so
much...", I told him. He would usually embrace and kiss me and do lots of
things to me when I told him that. This time he only gave me a weak smile.
- "I love you too, Vicky. More
than I've always loved anyone... But
something's happened, luv,. Something I would have never wished to happen but
it has. And now I know I'm gonna lose you", that was strange. What would
it be that he was so sure I was going to leave him?
- "You won't lose me, paul. No matter
what", he smiled.
- "Sit down", he told me. I
obeyed. He looked at the window on his left. Then suddenly he looked at me and
grabbing my face almost violently, he kissed me passionately. "Oh, Vicky,
I love you so much, but this is so difficult for me...", I broke apart
from him. I wanted him to go directly to the point.
- "Will you tell me what's wrong,
Paul?"
- "Things happen, Vicky, and I am a
Beatle and I sometimes..."
- "Hey, hey, stop there"., yeah,
Paul had kissesd me and he was complimenting me but I sensed something was not
right. He went on: "You're lovely today, luv... And I'm so awfully
sorry..."
- "But, what's wrong, paul? I mean, I
can not stand this any more. Something's wrong and I want to know what it
is".
- "Well", he started. My heart
was beating faster than before. "Do you remember eli? Well, of course you
do, I'm talking nonsense...", he was unusually nervous.
- "Eli? Paul, eli has long gone.
What?... Is she here again?", I was afraid that maybe li had come back
again and was trying to get Paul again. But no, that was not possible. she had
told me she knew Paul loved me and had let me the way free. Paul ran again a
hand through his hair. he looked away from me once again.
- "No... Look, luv! You can't imagine
how difficult this is for me. I've loved you more than anyone else in this
world. More than I loved Jane, even...", he had told me that a couple of
minutes ago. He was repeating and was beating around the bush. But I didn't
want to interrupt him. He went on: "But something's happened. I didn't
mean for it to happen. It was an accident", I didn't understand a word.
- "Paul", I said rather
seriously now. "You'd better tell me what's wrong. I can't stand it any
more..."
- "Eli is pregnant... I mean, I got
her pregnant... But that was before you and I were involved...", I blinked
a couple of times. I wasn't sure whether I had heard right.
- "Stop it, Paul!", I said.
"Please, I'm in no joking mood at the moment".
- "No, no", he was shaking his
head violently. "It's not a joke, luv... I wish it were...", he got
up and went to the bar to fix himself another Scotch & Coke. I was at a
loss of words. That was too painful to take in. paul went on. He was as white
as a ghost but my face should have been even whiter. "She phoned me a
couple of days ago. She's three months pregnant. Remember, you and I started
our relationship three months ago. I wasn't with you", I counted mentally.
In the state I was in, I was able to count. He was right. We wern't involved,
but yet it was as painful. However, I started to see the light at the end of
the tunnel. I tried to calm down. OK; no prblem. Just forgive him. he's a
Beatle, and he wasn't with you. I smiled at him and got up.
- "OK, Paul, don't worry. We'll work
it out, as your song says. Talk to Eli".
- "No, Vicky, no matter how much I
love you. I want that child. You know I've always wanted to form a
family", tears were forming in my eyes. I could never have children. I was
very aware of that and it seemed that everybody wanted to smash it on my face.
Paul came to me and held my chin. "I don't think you could suffer the
rebuff of being with me knowing I have a child with another woman".
- "And so what?", I said crying
loudly. "I left John for you! John! And now what for? You're rejecting me
as though I were a bitchy groupie. And besides...", I still saw a little
hope, "how do you know the child is yours? For what I know, Eli and John
had slept together more than once", I said, with irony. I waited to see
how Paul reacted.
- "I know it's mine, luv", he
said. "Don't ask me how I know, but I do. And I want to have a family,
that's for sure", he was more clamed now. It seemed as though now that he
had blurted everything out, had no fear of the consequencies. And you should
have seen me. All the blood had gone from my face.
- "What does this mean, paul?",
I said with my eyes full of tears and a blurred vision of Paul.
- "I don't know, Vicky... I told you
this was difficult", my heart was beating at least 100 mph. I was no fool
and I knew internally what Paul was trying to tell me. But I wanted him to
continue. He didn't seem to.
- "Paul, please...", he ran a
hand through his hair and blew as though what he had to tell me meant a great
effort. But I understood. I understood what he meant. He WANTED that baby, it
didn't matter if it was Eli who had given it to him. I felt rejected and
humilliated. He knew I could't have children and I had told him so when we got
involved. He had said he didn't mind, that he loved me. Now I saw it was a lie.
My God! That could not be happening to
me. I had done nothing wrong and now I was being rejected by the two men I had
loved, John and Paul. No, Vicky! Don't cry! Not in front of Paul! He'll laugh
at you! But while I was saying that to myself, the tears started coming to
my eyes. In a couple of seconds I was crying my heart out. Paul came to me.
- "Oh, luv, please, don't cry!
Please, don't make this more difficult...", it seemed Paul was determined.
- "So, that means you don't love me
any more?"
- "Oh, no, no!", he hurried to
say. "I love you and I always will, it's just that I can't leave a child
of mine without a father. I want a family. I've always wanted a family..."
- "So, you're rejecting me because I
can't have children. If I could you'd still be with me...", Paul didn't
say anything. Neither did I. After a while, the silence was unbereable.
- "Let me take you home", Paul
finally said. So that was it? The end? The end of my relationship with John,
the end of my relationship with Paul, the end of my stay in England? No, no!
That was impossible, God, no, NO! Paul was picking up his things ready to go
out, but I wouldn't spend a single minute more in his company. I turned around
and flew away from his house and from his life. I could hear him shouting my
name. What for? What could he possibly want after having told me he wanted to
be with Eli and their child?
When I arrived at Kinfanus, george and
Edu hadn't arrived yet. I started packing but I was like in a cloud. I hadn't
taken in what had happened to me yet. I had almost finished packing when they
arrived. I was upstairs, in my room, and when I went down with three cases, edu
and George opened their mouths.
- "What are you doing?", asked
me Edu. Uff, it was long, very long to explain. I sat down on one of the
cushions there were on the floor and I was going to start explaining the
situation to them when George said:
- "I'm very sorry,
vicky, I knew it, everybody knew it, John knew it...!", I looked at Edu.
But she had an amazed look on her face.
- "No, Vicky! I didn't
know anything, I don't know anything. What's up?", she was my
friend. I trusted her. She was telling me the truth. George proceeded to
explain what I intended before. Edu couldn't believe it. "Bastard!",
she shouted when George finished exoplaining. "He's a fucking bastard! I
hate him, I'll never ever forgive him!", I smiled a bit. Yes, Paul was a
bastard. if Eli thought he would be faithful to her, she could think twice.
"But how come, Vicky? I still can't believe it", I couldn't believe
it either. I wasn't crying nor anything because of that, because I might have
thought everything was sort of a bad dream or something. "What are you
going to do?", asked me Edu. I looked at her. Now I couldn't help it and
started to cry. Her vision strated to blur and I could only shrug. She came to
me to hug me. "Oh, God! Stupid Beatles...!"
- "Hey, hey! Wait a
minute! What's it mean?", said George. Edu laughed but I didn't. I just
wanted to die.
I hardly remember the days
that followed. I talked to Edu and both decided the best thing I could do was
go back to Spain and start anew a new life. The Beatles were on a British tour,
and I decided the best moment to disappear from thjeir lives was that. I didn't
want to say goodby to anybody, not even george or Ringo. Edu would do that for
me.
We picked up my luggage
ande put them in Edu's car. The rest of the things would remain in england. I
didn't want John's Ferrari nor anything, so we would go to the airport in Edu's
car.
I couldn't stop crying
ever since the moment we jumped in her car. I sobbed and sobbed, I couldn't
stand it! Oh, my God! I had dedicated my last three years to the Beatles, to
John and a bit to Paul. I had hurt John and now eralised he was the only one who had truly loved me. At least he
hadn't got pregnant any girl!
- "Oh, come on, Vicky!
They don't deserve that! Anyway, I'll have a word or two with this Macca when
they come back from the tour!"
- "What for?", I said.
"Everything has been said! He's let me know how clear he has things! He
doesn't love Eli, but wants to form a family. That's the end of the
story!"
- "No, that's not the
end of the story! What happens to you, then? All the fuss with John and all,
what for? Now she says the child is his and he believes her? No, no, Vicky,
they can be Beatles but mustn't play with girls' fellings like that!", as
usual, she was absolutely right. But I couldn't see how this could enwell for
me. The one who would win in the end would be Eli, whom I less expected would
win. That only made me cry all the more. I wasn't sure if I cried for me, for
John, for Paul, for leaving England... My sobs became loud screams until Edu
finally had to look at me and almost hig me with her left arm. "Oh,
please, don't cry, Vicky! You'll make me cry! Remember that you can come visit
George and me whenever you want", that raised me a smile. I looked up
front and saw a big lorry coming just our way.
- "OH, EDU, PLEASE,
WATCH OUT!!", Edu looked up front too, give the steering wheel a flip and
the last thing I remember is darkness.