Happiness Is Measured Out In Miles

 

CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

 

         Everything wqs different this time when I went to Kenwood. No parties this time, no people laughing, only the remains that a party had taken place. The ghests had all gone (on John's demand I suppose) and before I had to even take the key out of my handbag, John had opened the door for me.

 

         -        "Oh, luv!", he said. He was genuinely concerned. I understood that bitch had meant nothing to him. Yet, I couldn't act as though nothing had happened. John had slept with another woman in our house (well, actually, his, but we had been together in this). He was going to hug me but I wouldn't let him. Everyhting wasn't as easy. He could be John Lennon and have everything he wanted, but I still had my pride.

 

-        "No, John, please...", he didn't insist. I entered. Dot and her husband were crazy trying to tidy the living room. I felt sympathy for them. I was sure John had ordered them to tidy everything up so that I couldn't have any memory of the party. "OK, Dot, please, leave that for antoher time. Don't worry", John wouldn't argue against anything <i said that day. I went upstiars and I stopped in front of our bedroom. No, it was impossible that I would sleep in that bed with John. He had come after me and was very nervous.

 

-        "I'm so sorry, luv, more sorry than I've ever been before. They were all putting crap in me head, telling me that had seen you with Paul, that Margo Stevens had seen you go to Paul's several times and  didn't know what to think", I turned to Paul.

 

-        "Talk to me then, John. Don't screw the first bimbo that goes to your hands", John came to me.

 

-        "Sure, luv. You're right", he sopke and spoke but never said 'forgive me'.

 

-        "I can't sleep here anyway".

 

-        "OK, luv, we'll sleep in the guest room", I looked at him suspiciously.

 

-        "Still want to sleep with me?"

 

-        "Luv, there's nothing in this world I want to do more than that", I was about to kiss him, becasue he was the sexiest man I had ever seen but then I started imagining him with that girl in my head, kissing her, caressing her... and a big lump came to my throat".

 

-        "But how, John? How come you want to sleep with me after having fucked another girl?", I had a big lump in my throat and that meant I still loved John very very much. And my agitation made me speak using the bad words my parent had alwats prevented me from using. John looked at the floor. I had known him for more than two years now and I could see he was really sorry for what he had done. He ran a hand through his hair.

 

-        "'cos I love you, Vicky. I told ya she was fuckin' here when you weren't and that I though ya were with Paul. Everybody was tellin' me so...", and I couldn't argue against that becasue he was right. Anyway, I couldn't forgive him that easily. I needed some time.

 

-        "Still we shouldn't be sleeping together tonight, John. You've hurt me so much. I have visions of you and that girl doing things, and the wound won't heal for a while..."

 

-        "I can't even remember her bloody name", he was trying to make excuses becasue he felt guilty, and I knew that. To this day I know John loved me very much but the circumstances drew us apart.

 

-        "John, I'm tired. I don't want to talk about that now, don't you understand?", he seemed hurt and looked at the floor again. I must admit he was irressitible. The year 1965 was one of his best years. He had his hair longer than ever and his features had sharpened to give way to a very good-looking man whose nostrils tremebled when he was angry or sad. And now he was one of those moments. God, I loved that man.

 

-        "OK", he said. And that was all. He turned around and went to our bedroom. I closed the door and cried. I cried and cried because I felt shitty, I felt rejected. I felt as though I were useless to John and he were in search of more beautiful girls. I knew I had Paul, and I didn't want him to be a substitute but I knew I had only gone to Paul because of what John had done. Hadn't John done that, I would have never gone to Paul.

 

         The days that followed I hardly saw John. They were so busy with all the preparations for the tour. They went to America for the third time and I noticed they were quite exciting because I'd heard they were playng the Shea Stadium. the atmosphere between John and Paul was tense. Edu told me that. She was the one who was going with them more often now. I didn't want to be with John and Paul at the same time. I knew arguments would ensue, and Paul had told me they needed John in full form. Paul could easily pretend and hide his feelings, John was another kettle of fish. If something or someone was disturbing him, he would say so.

 

-        "You must tell me waht's going on", Edu told me after coming back from being with them. "I can't stand it any more, you know. George is angry at them becasue they0're beahving like little children and I think you have something to do with their behaviour". She was on the phone, so I told her:

 

-        "Why didn't you come over and I'll tell you everything? it's a long story...", but it wasn't. And she knew almost everything. She came nonetheless.

 

-        "OK; split it!", and I told her everything. From the beginning, from the moment that John wanted me to go on taking L.S.D. until the present time. "This is horrible", she asid when I had finsihed my speech. "You and Paul?... I can't believe it...", then she looked at me suspiciously like wanting to get a smile out of me. "Didn't you say he was crazy about me...?", well, I had to smile. Yeah, I remembered when I thought Paul was in love with Edu. And I rememebred back in Spain when we met John and we went to Liverpool, when I got pregnant... Oh, John and I were so in love in those days... Whay and when had everything started to change? I felt the tears coming to my eyes, and when I realised I was crying but still with the smile on my face. "You alright?", Edu brought me back to reality.

 

-        "No, Edu, I'm not alright. I love John. I was sobbing by then. The phone started ringing.

 

-        "I'll pick it up", said Edu, which was wonderful by me becasue I didn't want whoever was on the other line to notice I had been crying. "Hello?", I heard Edu say. "Oh, Eli! How are you, dear?", my heart jumped. To make matters worse, Eli, the official girl of Paul, was on the phone. "Gerat, so when are you coming?", and to keep on adding things, she seemed to be coming back. "OK, so Vicky and I will go for you to the airport. The Beatles will be on tour by then, so you won't see Paul", and when she named Paul she looked at me, "until Spetember or so", pause, "yeah, I know, my dear, but don't worry, we three will have fun. OK, take care until then, see you next week. Bye!", she hang up. she looked at me and informed me, as though I didn't know anything by then. "Eli is coming back next week. Will you tell her anything?", I shook my head violently.

 

-        "No! And primise me you won't, either. Paul and I have decided to tell the world together", she nodded.

 

-        "Altight. As you wish", and that was it.

 

         The day when the Beatles had to go came and John and I hadn't slept together a single day. He was miserable, I was miserable, but I had to be firm. I could't forget and forgive that easily. Paul and I had been on the phone every now and then, just to remind each other we were there for support.

 

         John and I said goodbye to each other in the kitchen. He had shiny eyes when he looked at me. God, he was so sexy. He was wearing a denim jacket and black trousers. When he tunred around to go away and to be away from me for a month, I couldn't help it. I loved that mand, I loved him with all my heart.

 

-        "John!", I shouted. He turned around and I just jumped to him. It was unconscious, but there was still so much love in us that we couldn't help it any more. We kissed passionately, twisiting our tongues and covering all our mouths with saliva.

 

-        "I love you, I love you", he said in between kisses. "I love you, love you, love you", we were like in trance. I was so desperately in love with him that I needed to have him, to feel him, to make love, to him. He seemed to have been thinking the same becasue he said: "Fuck the tour! I wanna make love to you, my love!", so I jumped on him and he started going upstairs to the bedroom. But as luck may have it, the phone started ringing, and the doorbell rang, all at the same time. "Fuck, fuck! Fuckin' bloody 'ell!", he shouted. I had to go back to the ground and let him go. I picked up the phone and he went to the door.

 

-        "Hello?"

 

-        "Vicky, this is Brian. May I please talk to John? He should have been here ten minutes ago..."

 

-        "Yes, sorry, Brian, it's been my fault. He's leaving now", I said, exscusing John. "Anyway, I don't think the plane will take off without him, will it?"

 

-        "No, I suppose it won't. OK; let him know I phoned, OK? Bye!"

 

-        "Bye", and I hang up. I went to the hall and founf George, Edu and Ringo, all there with bags everywhere. John and I had recovered that love we shared at the beginning of our relationship, although now I assume that was only the kiss of death. He held me by the waist when I walked until where they were and I rested my head on his shoulders. He kissed my head. I saw with the corner of my eyes the astonished look of Edu. Her eyes were wide opened. I looked at her and muttered I would explain afterwards.

 

-        "Brian was on the phone", I informed everybody. "You're already ten minutes late".

 

-        "OK, hurry up!", said Ringo. They all started picking their bags. I kissed George and Ringo and told Edu we would meet after the flight had taken off. When John and I were alone, he held me by the waist and muttered:

 

-        "I hate leaving you now, my love. I love you so much", he leaned to kiss me again, but this time softer, with love and tenderness. I didn't want to have him any longer, I have never liked farewells.

 

-        "OK, John, they're waiting for you. Go.", one more kiss and he left, closing the door behind him. As soon as they left and the door closed behind John I started to cry. I cried becasue now that John and I had made it up and we loved each other again, now he had to leave and for a long time. I needed John, I wanted him by my side. This was not what I wanted when I first met him in Spain. I went to the telly and switched it on. They there were, all the airport was crowded and the reporters were telling us the Beatles hadn't arrived to the airport yet. The phone rang. Could it be that the tour had been cancelled and I could have John with me...?

 

-        "Hello?"

 

-        "Vicky, love, I needed to hear your voice before going to America. John and the others haven't arrived yet...", oh, Paul... My heart jumped. Why on earth everytime I heard Paul all my world shattered? I was really doing well with John now and I didn't want anything or anybody to spoil it.

 

-        "Paul, John and I...", I didn't know how to tell him we were in love again, that I would forgive everything, even his unfaithfulness to me. He loved me, that girl meant nothing to him.

 

-        "Oh, there they come. I must hang up now, luv. Take care. I love you", and he hang up. Why did everything have to be so difficult? Paul loved me. I loved John... But I felt something for Paul... I went to the TV again and there they were. I noticed there was tension between them, they hardly looked at each other and George would be the one beside John at all times. I watched the TV till the Beatles left and half an hour lateer, Edu was ringing the doorbell.

 

-        "No, no, Vicky, don't play like that", she said in fury as soon as I had opened the door. She walked past me and I just closed the door and embraced for the worst. I knew what that furty was about.

 

-        "I'm not playing, Edu. I've never liked playing, it's just that... I love John madly, and the only reason I go to Paul is becasue John has been cheating on me", she shook her head.

 

-        "No, no, don't lie to me, will you? You started this flirty thng with Paul long before you were aware of John's infidelities", what did she mean? I understood John had been unfaithful to me before I was aware of it. No, that could not be possible. John loved me.

 

-        "What do you mean?", conscious that she ahd made a mistake, she tried to change the flow of the conversation.

 

-        "Vicky, you're hurting Paul... And if John really hears about this... Well, I don't want to be in your shoes", she was right. She was absolutely right and so I remained silent. "Well, think about it", she said getting up. She didn't say another word, she just left leaving me with my thoughts.

 

         And that's what I did the following days. I did nothing but think. I thought and thought and thought until my head hurt of so much thinking. I wouldn't dare phoning Edu becasue she was so angry at me, and she was so down to earth that scared the hell out of me. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, until we had to meet becasue Eli came back from Spain.

 

         Edu came for me in her car, and there was tension in the air. I couldn't stand seeing my friend so angry at me, although it was quite understandable, the Beatles being the center of the circle.

 

-        "Edu, I don't want you to think I'm playing with the Beatles. Believe me, I'm not", still no answer from her. "Edu, I love John..."

 

-        "Say that to eli now when you see her", that hurt. Those words, coming from my frieend's lips, were the worst words in the world.

 

         But when Eli came off the plane, the look she directed me shattered me a little. She looked at me in a very srange way and then went to Edu to hug her. Edu hugged her back and then, when it came to hug me, there was even more tension.

 

-        "Hi, Vicky", she said. Still no signs of wanting to hug me.

 

-        "Eli, how is everything in good old Spain?", I was tryuing to be optimistic and enthusiastic.

 

-        "Fine, fine, people still haven't got over the fact that the Beatles were there. My friends couldn't believe I'm actually going out with Paul...", the name made us three look uncomfortable. Edu hurriedly wanted to get us in the car and drive home.

 

-        "Cavendish Avenue?", Edu asked. I didn't want to think what wopuld happen if she ever discovered what was going on between Paul and me.

 

-        "Well, Paul isn't there, is he? Is there any room at Kinfanus?", I think my sigh was heard in the heart of London. Women are a lot more sensitive when it comes to discover their boyfriend's infidelities. But the fact that she had named Kinfanus instead of kenwood was important to me. I tried something:

 

-        "You can come to Kenwood if you want...", I examined her face. I could not asy what kind of expression I saw, but for sure it wasn't of delight.

 

-        "Oh, well...", she started. From that moment on I knew something was wrong, that she suspected something as well and that she might even be so angry at me as to not speak to me ever again. "Thanks very much, Vicky. It's OK, Edu told me first", well, Eli knew.

 

         So, after dropping me at Kenwood, Eli and Edu went away. I was left alone to my own thoughts.

 

         The days went by and the relationship between my friends and me got a little better, but not much. I got phone calls from Paul and John. They both said they loved me. And I loved John madly but cared for Paul. Oh, God! What to do? I must admit anyway that Paul's phone calls were more regular than John's.

 

         My relationship with Edu and Eli got better at the end of the summer, just when the Beatles had to come back. After all, friends are always friends through thick and thin, and Edu and Eli knew we couldn't be that way becasue of the Beatles. Or could we? They were the Beatles after all, and I sometimes forgot who we were talking about. So, one day, just one week before the Beatles were to return from America, Edu phoned me:

 

-        "Hi, Vicky! I just thought that we could have what's probably the last bath of the summer, what do you say?"

 

-        "You're not angry with me any moer?", I asked, suspicious. I heard her sigh.

 

-        "Come on, dear! I've never been angry with you. I never approved what you did, but that's all, but anyway, I don't think we should let the boys know we're not speaking to each other becasue of them. I think their egos are big enough", that made me laugh. Edu had always been so down-to-earth. She was absolutely right.

 

-        "OK, where? In your swimming pool or in mine?"

 

-        "Let it be yours. I love the eye John had it done in the deep end", I laughed. So they both came and we had a very good time, although Eli, for some unknown reason to me, tried to avoid talking about paul or John. I've always liked playing, so when we were cold in the water and went out to get dry, I proposed a dangerous game.

 

-        "Hey, girls! Let's play truth or death. We have to say what we think of the boys, but honestly, OK? Speak your mind and don't care about what we may think", Edu and Eli looked at each other. Before they could even answer, I said: "Alright, Ringo! I think Ringo is really nice and he has such lovely eyes. His lips are also gorgeous...", no one wanted to continue. After a while, Eli said:

 

-        "Well, too short for my tastes, but he's a Beatle after all. Who would say no to a Beatle? I would sleep with him", Edu's eyes widened:

 

-        "Eli!!"

 

-        "What? What do you think?"

 

-        "I think he plays the drums wonderfully", we smiled.

 

-        "That's not the game, Edu, and you know it", I said.

 

-        "OK", she gave in, "he's nice and all but he's not my type at all", I smiled, satisfied.

 

-        "Right, Geaorge", inevitably we looked at Edu. I was first, of course. "There's something in him that doesn't make him attractive to me. Sorry edu".

 

-        "Well, you're talking about physical appearance, I go beyond that. if you're with John just for his looks, you have it", I knew the game could be dangerous.

 

-        "I'm not with John only for his looks, Edu, and you know better than that. I love John for lots of more things... he's intelligent, witty, funny, sarcastic, tender when it comes to it, aggressive..."

 

-        "And quite gorgeous", Eli butted in. I looked at her.

 

-        "Yes, he's quite gorgeous, irressitible, I would say. But Edu told me to stop there..."

 

-        "I know, I'm quite like John myself".

 

-        "Will you sleep with him?", the phone rang at that moment and so Eli couldn't answer me. I went to pick it up. "Hello?"

 

-        "Long distance information give me Surrey, London", a familiar voice started singing. It couldn't be other but John.

 

-        "John, my love, how are you?"

 

-        "Well, I am fine, luv, wanting to go home with you. You?"

 

-        "I'm OK, Edu, Eli and I are together having a swim here in Kenwood".

 

-        "Oh, Eli", he said, "she's back, then, ain't she?"

 

-        "Yes, she is"

 

-        "Have ya...", he suddenly sounded a bit uncomfortable, "talked to 'er? I mean, what you girls do when yer alone, the friendly chat and stuff", I knew what he meant.

 

-        "No, we haven't, should we?", he didn't continue.

 

-        "OK, just phoned to let you know we met Elvis, you know, luv. God, luv, gear! He was ther with the telly on, just like I do at home and we talked a lot and that... isn't it good?", I was so glad for them, and especially for John. Elvis had always been his idol, and it was thanks to him that John had started into the music.

 

-        "That's great, John! I'm so glad for you".

 

-        "Well, in a week we can talk about this in bed", oh, the old John, the one I loved, the one whose mind was always in the gutter. I giggled.

 

-        "In bed?"

 

-        "Yes, luv, in bed, in fuckin' bed. I'll do ya the things I couldn't do ya before I went".

 

-        "I love you, John".

 

-        "See ya, and oh, say hi to Edu and...", he hesitated, "Eli, OK?"

 

-        "OK", and we both hang up. I went out to the swimming pool wherre they were still half sunbathing half resting and let them know the news.

 

-        "George will have probably phoned me home, then. Oh, Vicky. they've met Elvis, don't you think it's the best thing that could happen to any music lover?", I smiled. For Edu and me that was like a dream, like something unreal. We were both such music lovers. Although our favourite was Buddy Holly, we both had a thing for Elvis and we would never forget that it was music what brought us together. Edu immediately went to explain Eli. I also told them they would be coming in a week.

 

-        "Are you going for them to the airport?", I asked. Edu and Eli both nodded. Then I decided to go as well. At first I had thought of not going becasue paul would feel bad if I went to kiss John and stuff. But now that he had Eli, things would be much easier. "OK, then I'll go with you".

 

         And that was it. The telly and the radio kept us informed of the exact time of their arrival. I was nervous. Yes, I was, more than I had never been before becasue it was like the first time John and I would be together after a long time of being 'apart', so to sepak. How would Paul react seeing Eli and me together? And how would he react seeing me and John together? It was those thoughts what made me so nervous.

 

         When I heard the doorbell I knew the moment had come. I decicded not to bother any more and just go and see what happened.

 

         We all piled up in Edu's car and went to Heathrow. Eli was really nervous and so was I. edu was not and I envied her. I sometimes thought how come she wasn't jealous knwing that George had been with that Pattie. Edu wouldn't stop talking and I just was shaking my legs as I always did when I was nervous. Fed up with us, I suppose, Edu turned on the radio. he last Beatles single was on: "Help!". John's voice sent shivers up my spine. The real guy, the real voice had whispered my name thousands of times in my ear and now there he was on the radio.

 

         On apporaching the airport more and more cars were appearing until we got trapped in a traffic jam.

 

-        "Stupid fans!", Edu muttered. "All of them are going to see the Beatles and were going to be late. We'll have to phone the airport and tell them we need someone to come for us..."

 

-        "Oh, shit, shit!", edu shouted. Then we saw the traffic wardens directing the traffic.

 

-        "Thank God!", we three said almost at the same time. The cars started moving again but then we faced another problem, where to park. I was in panick by then. The Beatles would be arriving in less than five minutes, and we hadn't even entered the building yet.

 

-        "OK", said Edu, "you two go into the building and I'll try to park the car. If I'm not with you in less than half an hour, say to George I'm stuck here". I felt sympathy for Edu, she was so nice. So Eli and I went into the airport and once again found thousands of screaming fans crowding the place. Even the terminal was crowded. I fetl desperate. There was no way we could approach the Beatles. John had given me a couple of names of people I should phone when I found myself in such cases, but in my agitation I had left it at home.

 

         Then I heard someone calling my name:

 

-        "Vicky, here!", someone was shaking their hand above all the heads and I made out the dark hair belonging to Maureen. I went to her elbowing all the way.

 

-        "Oh, Mo. Thank God. I thought I could never make it"

 

-        "It's John who's sending me for you. You're late and the Beatles' plane landed before planned".

 

-        "Oh, God. We got stuck at a traffic jam and then we couldn't find a place to park. Edu's still trying to find a place", in all the agitation, I hadn't realised Eli hd been trying to follow me but hadn't make it. "Oh, Eli!", I went for her and dragged her as I could to where Maureen was. It was not the right place for hugs and kisses, so Mo directed us to the VIP room where the Beatles were.

 

         When we entered, the boys were having a press conference. Mo and Eli hugged and kissed and talked for a while. I was nervous. John and Paul both were looking at me. Neil knew when the Beatles wanted privacy, and so this was one of those moments, so he just told the journalists that was it and they all went out of the room. Brian, Mal, Neil and some others who were not familiar to me gathered around and started talking. Ringo went to Mo, who had made a great effort coming since she was very pregnant at that time.

 

-        "Ye should 'ave stayed home, luv", ingo told her kissing her. That was the last thing I heard before seeing two shadows in front of me. I lifted up my head thinking I would see John and Paul both waiting for me to say something but I had the shock of my life when I saw George and Paul.

 

-        "Where's Edu?", said George.

 

-        "Trying to park the car", I said, quite automatically but looking at John with the corner of my eye. He was talking to Edu in what seemed a very important topic becasue they were quite serious. George went somewhere and there I stood in front of Paul.

 

-        "Hi, luv", I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to do anything that would spoil the good relationship John and I had before they went on tour.

 

-        "Hi, Paul. Eli's there", I said as if with those words I could distract Paul.

 

-        "I know and John's with 'er, haven't you seen that?", at that moment I felt John coming closer.

 

-        "Yer bird's there, Macca", he said, causing Paul to walk away from us. John was now in front of me, all gorgeous and sexy, irresistible. I looked at him. He wasn't smiling, but I waned to kiss him. "Hello, Vicky", he said. And that was all before I found myself jumping at him and kissing him like mad. He kissedme back, everything was alright.

 

-        "Very good, yes, yes, yes", I heard some clapping behind me. I had to stop kissing John and turn around to see who was causing such commotion, and I saw Edu and George, clapping and smiling. But my eyes unconsciously searched for Paul. I asw him with Eli, but he wasn't very affectionate towards her, which was strange because they hadn't seen each other for a long time. Then I turned to John again, he was serious too. What on earth was going on here?

 

-        "John", I said, "why were you talking to Eli?"

 

-        "Luv, I hadn't seen 'er for ages, ya know, I wanted to know how she was doing and things like that", well, the explanation seemed convincing.

 

-        "Come, come", Edu butted in. "Let's go home, we have lots of things to talk about". So once again we had to be separated. he Beatles had to go first and they all piled in one limo. We girls would go in Edu's car. And I once again noticed Eli wanted to be as far away from me as possible. Well, I had got used to it. But the thing that worried me most of all was how John would behave in the next days. Why did he have to go first to Eli? Was it possible that...? No, impossible, John and Eli hadn't slept together, I was sure of that. But then, what was going on between them?

 

-        "We've arrived, Vicky", Edu's voice brought me to reality. I hadn't even realised we weren't at Kenwood, it was Kinfanus. Edu saw my distressd look and went on to inform me: "Yes, the Beatles are gathering here, but if you prefer, you can go home...", and leave Eli and John alone? No!

 

-        "Oh, no, no, great!", I said, jumping out of the car.

 

         That gathering turned out to be sort of a planning of their new album. Now the Beatles had a few days of rest before going to the studios to record again. John also said he wanted to go to Liverpool for a few days to visit Julian. He would also contact Mimi, who was now living in Bournemouth, where John had bought her a beautiful bungalow.

 

-        "Good idea", said George. "I'll go with you, Lennon".

 

-        "I'm going too", said Paul. Edu immediately looked at me. And I knew what he was up to. I looked at Paul and his face showed what i suspected: desire, lust, a real feeling of wanting to be with me. And to me, going to Liverpool made me feel nauseus, for Liverpool meant Cynthia, the woman who was still John's wife and who had a son with him.

 

-        "Ringo?", said George.

 

-        "No, Maureen is in no condition to travel. We'll probably go after the baby is born".

 

-        "OK, that's it", said John getting up. He wanted to go home and sleep, but the thought of Cynthia had made me angry and I remained sulk and resnetful both on the drive home and once there. "What's wrong with ye?", John sked me when the tension was too much. I could be honest with John and tell him I didn't like to see Cynthia or lie to him. John hated lies, but that was a way to get my own back for having been talking to Eli before coming to me, so I lied.

 

-        "I still don't know why you had to go to Eli before coming to me...", he blew.

 

-        "Fuckin 'ell! Once again! I've fuckin' tired of yer jealousy. If ye can't stand it, it's yer fuckin' problem", My God! who would stand that? Who could stand the fact that the person one loves talks to you like that? Not me. I felt my tears coming to my eyes, and no matter how hard I tried to avoid crying in front of John, the tears started running freely and soon I found myself sobbing desperately. I went out of the room and picked up the phone. This time it wouldn't be Paul or Edu or anyone in England. This time I was determined to phone my parents and tell them I wqas going back home for good. When I picked up the phone to dal, John put a hand on the phone to prevent me from phoning.

 

-        "Luv, I didn't mean it. I was fuckin' out of me head", he was looking at me with a completely different expression.

 

-        "John", I said, still sobbing. "You should think before hurting me so much. Your words can be like knives stabbing my heart...", for all answer he came to me and hugged me. He kissed my head.

 

-        "OK, I want you to go shopping tomorrow and buy something for Mimi. I'm fucking racking my brains as to what to buy and I have no bloody idea. She already has everything...", I cheered up a little aftr that. John, the old john, was back again although I wasn't sure for how long I could put up with that situation.

 

         We went to bed and we didn't make love that night. John fell asleep almost immediately and I was awake for some time thinking. But soon I started to feel drowsy, I think the day had brought me too many emotions and they were having a toll on me.

 

         Next day, John stayed home, watching TV and doing nothing productive. He phoned Mimi and talked to her for more than an hour. When he phoned Cynthia to let her know we were going to visit Julian, I saw the right moment to go shopping.

 

         I went on my own. I wasn't in the mood to talk to Edu or Eli, so I went to Harrods and after thinking and thinking what to buy for a woman who had almost everything, I decided on a lovely fur coat that I liked and so I thought she might like as well.

 

         The next days were spent planning the trip to Liverpool. it wouldn't last long, but John seemed to have lots of things to do there.

 

         We went by train and nobody knew we were going. So we were unmobbed. In general it was a very quiet trip. John was unusually serious, paul was oblivious too and Edu and George were the ones who seemed to be their old selves.

 

         Mimi, Louise and Auntie Gin of paul's were waiting for us at the station when we arrived. We spent more than twenty minutes kissing each other with hugs and love words. Suddenly, a baby voice came behind Mimi. An adorable Julian came tumbling and caught Paul's leg. We all paid attetntion to him, he was so adorable and nice. I examined John's face. He was over the moon with his son. He picked him up and held him in his arms. He kissed him thousands of times. He was a little man now. He had grown so much since the last time we had seen him. I couldn't avoid a pang of jealousy of the kisses and the lovely words he was telling him. Anyways, I think we were attratcing too many people and some teenyboppers had already recognised us so we went our separate ways.

 

         Still carrying Julian in his arms, we jumped into a taxi. John was not paying much attention to me.

 

-        "So, Mary, how are things going?", he asked her. Julian, then, tried to reach me and John let him fall into my arms.

 

-        "Not bad. The bungalow in Bournemouth is being redecorated. I didn't like the paintings on the walls".

 

-        "And why did ya 'ave to come, mimi? You should 'ave stayed there. I can handle Cyn and Julian, you know".

 

-        "I also wanted to see julian, Lennon. And speak properly, John", John laughed. We arrived at the hotel where mimi was staying and where we were also staying. It wasn't the Adelphi, obviously, Mimi said it brought her too many bad memories since julia, John's mother, had worked as a waitress there.

 

-        "I'm not staying for long, John", she informed us.

 

-        "We neither. just a couple of days", said John. "I wanted to see Julian", we went to our rooms and started unpacking. Julian played with everything he saw and everytime I saw him I felt a pang in my stomach. That was John's son, but not mine. He had (he was!!) married another woman, who wouldn't give him the divorce. And it wasn't that John was asking for it very much. He never said he wanted to marry me. I looked at John with the corner of my eye. He was as sexy as ever. He was unpacking silently. There was a knock on the door.

 

-        "John, it's me, Mimi", he opened tyhe door. julian went running to her. "Oh, my baby", she picked him up in her arms.

 

-        "Mimi, this is fer ya", and john gave her the fur coat I had bought for her. She didn't smile much but I could see she was happy.

 

-        "Well, you don't need to pretend in front of me, children", no matter how old we were, she would keep on calling uws 'children'. "I sense there's something wrong between you two", I was speechless. How could she be so observant?

 

-        "Come off it, Mimi! We're alright", said John.

 

-        "Oh, sure about that, Lennon. Last time I saw you you could only see through her eyes", he finished unpacking and grabbed his coat.

 

-        "I'm gonna talk to Cyn. See ya later", and that was all. He took Julian with him.

 

-        "Well, probably you can speak up more than John", I sat on the bed. She sat in one of the armchairs there were in the room. "I know we haven't been the best of friends, so to speak, but I know John and I see he has something inside".

 

-        "I don't know", I said. "he's quite resentful lately", well, obviuosly I couldn't tell her I thought he suspected Paul and I were having an affair. What's more, we loved each other although this couldn't be proved for sure, becasue every time I saw John, my heart jumped to my throat.

 

-        "Have you done something to him?", Mimi asked me. She saw my puzzled look. "I'll speak my mind, have you cheated on him?", but how could she be so shrewd?

 

-        "Of course I haven't, Mimi! I love John madly".

 

-        "Then I don't understand. Honestly, and I tell you I didn't like you at first", good, Vikcy, really good. "I had never seen John so in love with a girl. You meant more to him that that Thelma and even Cyn". Thelma? hat was the first time I had heard that name. But that didn't matter any more.

 

-        "I'm going to have a shower, Mimi", I informd her. I didn't want to go on with that conversation that I knew wouldn't lead us anywhere. But when I entered the bathroom, from the first time I stepped into the shower, I knew my relationship with John was finishing, if it wasn't already finished.

 

         After my shower, Mimi and I went out to have a coffee. She told me how her new life was in Bournemouth and told me to visit her whenever I wanted. it was funny, when I started my relationship with John, she didn't like me one bit. I suppose now she felt some sympathy. Too late.

 

         The day and a half that we spent in Liverpool went by quickly. I was dead anxious to know what John had talked about with Cynthia. What if he wanted to go back to her? He might love her still. But didn't I have Paul just in case John didn't love me any more? But no, Paul wasn't a stand-in. I did care for Paul. We had feelings towards each other. And John had the same mood for over a week after our return to london. Even when we all went to celbrate his birthday, I could not say he paid much attention to me. Paul realised and every now and then he looked at me deep in the eye. But he couldn't do anything else becasue Eli was with us.

 

         And in the weeks that followed, the Beatles started recording their new record. Paul had told me he had written a song for me, of course, not using my name but a nickname. He nicknamed me Michelle so that John couldn't associate anything. using a Spanish name would have been too suspicious. Eli didn't suspect anything either. Of course, I would have to wait for the release pf the record to hear the song. And John's mood wouldn't change. The end was near.

 

CHAPTER THIRTY SIX COMING SOON!