Happiness Is Measured Out In
Miles
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
Next day was really hectic. I woke up when John all hurriedly got up saying he had to go to the rehearsals for the Ed Sullivan Show. He had gone to bed really late the night before for what I had heard and had overslept a little. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to go to the rehearsals and I didn’t say anything either. I was disappointed, but I attributed the lack of interest in me of John that morning to the nerves for the Ed Sullivan Show that the Beatles had that same evening.
When I got up, had a shower, got dressed and made up, I looked for something to do but Maureen Cleave came for me saying we had to go to the rehearsal with the boys.
- “But he didn’t ask me to”, I protested, thinking on the other hand that it was really weird of John.
- “He doesn’t have to”, she said, “you just go and that’s it”.
I didn’t like the idea but I obeyed. And I didn’t like the idea because I didn’t want to see Paul. I still could hear that girl whispering his name and sighing and the image of Eli came to my head. She was back in England, all oblivious to all this... Anyway, a limousine drove us to the studio. In were me, Maureen, Brian and a couple of guys whom I hadn’t seen before.
When we arrived at the studio, there were lots of screaming fans outside, shouting for the Beatles. When we got out the car, they came towards us, figuring out we had something to do with the Beatles. And I really hated that kind of fans at that point, they had made me lose John’s baby.
The Beatles were playing “Please Please Me” when we entered, although we stayed backstage. And was this what we were supposed to do for the morning? I complained to Maureen:
- “I want to go shopping, but I’m afraid of the fans.”, Maureen nodded. Then a young girl came to me and gave me toy submarine. I was puzzled holding it there in my hands.
- “This is for Julian”, she told me, “I hope he likes it”
- “What??!”, I couldn’t believe it! This young girl was mistaking me for Cynthia. Now I was sure that the news that John had left Cynthia hadn’t reached America. “I’m not...”, I started to say but Maureen stopped me. She made a gesture with her head as if she didn’t want me to tell the fan the truth. Will that spoil the Beatles’ success in America? If that was so, then I would pretend. All for my John. “Oh, thank you very much”, I said taking the submarine. When the fan left, I gave it to Maureen. “You keep it. I love Julian but I don’t like the idea of being Cynthia”.
The evening was a lot funnier, at least at first. I was able to see the Beatles play at the Ed Sullivan Show from the first row. With me were Maureen and a couple of men whose names I didn’t know yet but whose faces were becoming familiar. No fans were in the first row. And the show started wonderfully. There was a big screen where we could see the boys in close ups and even the camera moved to the Beatle who was singing at the time. But then something happened that ruined my only chance of enjoying the concert. Superimposed there were some letters that gave the fans the names of the Beatles, as if they didn’t know already!. When it came to John, I wanted to die: “Sorry girls, he’s married”. That was all I needed to want to go. I was fed up with being putting down by the Americans. I WASN’T JOHN’S WIFE and couldn’t be until the following year, so I didn’t want to stay there and got up. Maureen stopped me with her arm:
- “Where are you going?”
- “Up to their dressing room. I don’t like it here”.
- “But you won’t pass the cordon of guardians”, she told me, “we can’t go until the Beatles have finished the show”.
- “Ok, so I’ll wait for it to finish in a different place”. I started to look for Neil, Mal Evans or Brian or even some other familiar face to go with. But when I tried to go, someone stopped me and turned me back on my seat. This was a lunacy. We finally had to wait until the show ended there.
When it did, Maureen and I decided to go up to their dressing room, but again someone told us they were changing their trousers. Maybe they mistook us for fans or something. So I decided to take a taxi, fed up with everything. I hadn’t seen John personally in the whole morning, only like hundreds of other girls, playing. But I wanted to kiss him and feel his skin (like hundreds of other girls, too). The taxi driver looked at me suspiciously when I told him I wanted to go to the Plaza. Maureen had decided to stay behind and interview some of the fans to include in her articles, so I was on my own on the way to the Plaza.
- “You Beatles fan, huh?”, I couldn’t understand at first if he was talking to me or what.
- “I beg your pardon?”
- “Aren’t the Beatles there now?”
- “Oh, yeah, yeah”, I told him wanting to finish the conversation early.
Once again the whole outside of the Plaza was full of screaming girls, and as the taxi pulled up to the entrance, I started to panic. There was no way I could go in!. No one would let me in and I had no phone number to call Brian or Neil or anybody. So I trusted my luck. I elbowed my way to the first row of screaming girls and I thought I saw a familiar shape moving inside, in the lobby.
- “PAUL!!”, I shouted from the top of my lungs. I think he looked outside for a moment, so I waved my hand to whomever he was so as to be recognised. And nobody would believe me if I said I was Cynthia. I was getting really fed up with all this, and I would tell John one of these days. I saw Neil come out and say something to a policeman at the entrance. The policeman then came to me and lifting the cordon, let me in. The girls started to cry more loudly and I didn’t even dare to look back because I didn’t want them to remember my face. I entered the lobby and Neil was nowhere to be seen. So I went directly to the lifts and pressed the button. A shadow stood by my side. I turned and saw Paul standing there. “Hi Paul!”, he looked at me.
- “Hi, Vicky! You made it alright, didn’t you?”, I nodded. The lift came and we both walked in. I felt uncomfortable. Paul had been fucking a complete stranger the night before, had kissed other lips different from Eli’s, had caressed other breasts with the hands he played the guitar with. I didn’t dare to look at him. And I didn’t want to go all the way up to the 12th floor alone with him, so I said:
- “Isn’t Neil coming with us?”
- “No, he’s gone in the other one”, and the doors closed. Silence. First floor, second floor, third floor... No one said a word. Fourth floor, fifth floor and somewhere between the sixth and the seventh floor Paul turned to me: “Vicky...”, something in the way he said my name told me it was not normal. I didn’t want to look at him for fear of finding the same look as that day with John and Eli having dinner. But then I felt his hand touching my shoulder. “Vicky... I just want to... You know, to thank you for the records. Thank you very much, you see...”, then I looked at him and yes, there it was, the same twinkle in his eyes, that strange look in his wonderful hazel eyes. Then I thought I was dreaming and this was something out of a movie because Paul leaned to me and holding my face in his hands, he kissed me. In the mouth. PAUL KISSED ME!! I couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to react. I pulled his face apart and not daring to look at him, I prayed for the doors to open as soon as possible. They hopefully did, and I rushed outside not wanting to look back.
What was all this? Why had Paul kissed me? I was going out with his best friend! HIS BEST FRIEND! And he was going out with a very good friend of mine. Had he gone crazy or what? And then another question came to my mind. Should I tell John? I don’t think he would like it at all. He even could beat Paul up or something. But knowing John’s ways, why had Paul done it, then? Did he trust the fact I would never tell John? Oh, God! I went running to the suite room. I heard John’s voice, and Ringo’s. They were listening to the radio, with some people there. Paul entered five minutes after I had done so. Still that awful feeling of not wanting to look at him. John came to me and kissed me.
- “Hi, luv! Did you enjoy the show?”, I had to think of the answer. Well, I wasn’t thinking the answer, I was just giving myself time to recover form the shock.
- “Oh, yes. Sure!”, I didn’t sound very convinced. Anyway, John was cheerful for other reasons.
- “We’re going to the playclub club to have dinner, with here me mate Murray the K”. The only mention of the playboy Club made me look at Paul. He had gone the day before too and had come back to the hotel with a gorgeous blonde to sleep with. Maybe Neil had told them how stunning the bunny was and so they all wanted to go now. Even John.
- “Oh, yeah? Can I talk to you for a moment?”, I told him. John came to me aside, still with the earplugs in his ears. He took one out. “John, this is serious. Why do you want to go there?” He laughed.
- “No particular reason, luv. Murray told us, so there we’re going.”
- “Are you sure it has nothing to do with the bunny Paul brought here yesterday night?” John laughed even more loudly than before.
- “Luv, if I wanna fuck, I fuck. With you. And that’s all. Paul is horny, he might, and Ringo, but not me. Ok, luv?”, he stroke my cheek and leaned to kiss me. So I kissed him back and gave in.
Murray was already hurrying us out to the club. When we arrived there a row of bunnies were waiting for the Beatles. They were all so gorgeous that I wanted to cry. I could see John looking at them with a mischievous grin on his face. He couldn’t take his eyes off them!! And I felt so miserable that I regretted not to having stayed behind with George at the hotel. I was dressed also stunning, but my body wasn’t that of a bunny. Paul was also very happy to be there, and Ringo. I suppose Paul had completely forgotten about Eli and even about kissing me by then, but no. I was wrong.
All during the dinner, I caught Paul twice or three times looking at me. When I lifted up my head, he then looked the other way, but I knew he had been looking at me. John on the other hand, looked at the bunnies. Sometimes he made some comments to Ringo, who was sitting next to him, and I felt miserable and hurt. And John’s stares at the bunnies were becoming so obvious that I had to get up and run to the bathroom to hide my tears. There I closed the door with a loud bang and looked at myself at the mirror. Was it this all I had to wait from then on? John flirting with gorgeous women all the time? Well, I’m glad that Paul kissed me, you know. And if he didn’t stop looking at the bunnies, I would ended up telling him all about it. I looked at myself at the mirror. My tears were falling down my cheeks and they were smudging all my eye liner. I suddenly heard some footsteps coming to the bathroom, so I rushed into one of the toilets and half closed the door to be able to see who she was. It was the bunny who had been fucking Paul. The world is so small. And I felt so bad because Eli had made me promise her I would take care of Paul. But it wasn’t my fault! I couldn’t avoid it!
When I thought I had been long enough in the bathroom, and that maybe the guys would be a little bit worried (well, something not very likely, since they were really busy with the bunnies), I decided to go out. Paul’s bunny was still in front of the mirror remaking up, to look more stunning. What for? To impress John, Paul and Ringo. And when I came out of the bathroom, I was welcomed by an unpleasant scene. Three bunnies were already all over on top of MY JOHN, Paul and Ringo. Ringo and Paul were quite happy about it. In fact, Paul couldn’t keep his hands off her. Ringo had his bunny sitting on his lap, and John’s bunny was stroking his hair. But John didn’t like that. He looked a little bit uncomfortable and looked everywhere and then to the bathroom door. So when he saw me approaching, he like got rid of the bunny, almost pushing her out of his lap, and got up to come for me. HE looked at my face. John was no fool:
- “You’ve been crying, luv?”, he told me, stroking my cheek with his thumb. I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want him to know that I cried for him and for myself, because I wanted him all for me. “I’m sorry”, he muttered. He felt guilty. What he had done hadn’t been right. So he took me and had me sit on his lap. We kissed for a while, while the bunnies and Paul looked at us bewildered. I noticed that, every time that John and I kissed, Paul grabbed strongly the bunny by the waist, and kiss her passionately.
- “You’re coming with us to the Peppermint Lounge, aren’t ya, luv?”, he asked the bunny. She giggled foolishly and nodded. I wanted to throw up. What could they find in those girls? I’ll never know. Could Paul keep a conversation with her? What did he do with her after shagging her? I was fed up with that.
- “Oh, I miss Eli, John”. I blurted out. That’s for you, Paul, I thought. Just to name Eli was enough for Paul to look at me like mad. I kept his look but at the same time I felt John’s hand squeezing my leg slightly. I looked down at John and he shook his head quickly saying ‘no’. But that had been enough. I looked back at Paul and he was saying to his ‘lovely bunny’:
- “Sorry, luv, see you another time”, and very gently he put her on her way. I smiled. I couldn’t let Eli down. She had asked me to take care of Paul and I would do my best. However, there was the thing about Paul kissing me. That was something I wanted to talk to Paul about, and I would do it as soon as I had a chance.
After the dinner they decided to go to a very famous club, where, they said, the twist had been invented. John was very excited about going. It was the Peppermint Lounge and it was crowded when we arrived. And once again, as soon as we entered the big entrance doors, everybody was on top of the three Beatles. But not only women this time. Also men. I felt somehow rejected. I missed a female companion. Maureen hadn’t come and she would have been a wonderful company. I went to the bar and asked for a Scotch and Coke for John and a Coke for me. The barman was very nice. When he handed the drinks to me I started to look for the guys with my eyes. I immediately spotted Ringo dancing like crazy with some girls on the dance floor. And when I spotted John and Paul, the word DANGER started to form in my head. They were all surrounded by girls, and both, John and Paul, were chatting up to them. I mentally started talking to Eli. Oh, Eli, please, you’ll have to forgive me but this is too much. I cannot take care of Paul. John is only enough to occupy all my time. Paul was surrounded by girls but John had one who was very determined to sit on his lap. I rushed towards John like a flash and stood still in front of her.
- “What’s your problem?”, she told me. Ha! And she dared talking to me! She was all on top of MY GUY, and had the nerve to talk to me. John saw my face and got up in a jump. He knew my ways and the scene with Tessa was still fresh on his mind. Besides, I was holding the drinks and he was right in thinking I might throw one of the drinks at her.
- “it’s alright now, luv. She’s with me”, John informed her. The girls directed me a bitchy look and went away. John took his drink. I looked at him tiredly.
- “Oh, John, I’m so fed up with this...”, he hugged me in answer and kissed the top of my head. And I understood. There was nothing he could do. That would be our life from then on and I knew no man is a saint and can not say ‘no’ to temptation forever and ever. They had become too big as to go backwards. And I decided right there and then that never again would I go on tour with them. I loved John madly, and the rest of the guys were really nice, but now I understood the things that happened on tour.
Ringo kept on dancing. And I wanted to dance too. I knew John was not a very good dancer and he was just sitting there drinking. I didn’t like when John drank. If he drank too much, he became aggressive and the best night could end up as a terrible nightmare. But I decided to have fun and looked at John to tell him I wanted to dance with Ringo and the girls. He shook his head in a sign that meant ‘Go ahead’ and so I did.
I had danced a couple of songs, some of them covers of the Beatles hits, laughing hysterically with Ringo and having the time of my life, when I noticed a hand stroking my back. I turned round and saw Paul walking towards a corner of the room. And my mind started working. Had he been who had stoked my back? No, that was very unlikely. The place was jammed and it could have been anybody. I kept on looking at the far end, where Paul was standing now. He was looking the other way, so definitely he hadn’t been. But somehow I was tired of dancing, I needed a rest anyway, and this was a very good opportunity to talk to Paul. He was alone, I wasn’t with John and I needed to work out the kiss situation with Paul. I had a last look at John and walked towards Paul.
He was giving me his back and when I tapped his back slowly he turned round. A girl had just approached and was trying to catch his attention.
- “Oh, I didn’t know you were busy...”, I turned to go but Paul stopped me.
- “Oh, no, no!”, he said. The girl looked bewildered. She was a stunning girl. Blonde, big tits, tall... Absolutely different in every spot to me. So she must have thought Paul had gone crazy. “Sorry, luv, talk to you later.”, he told her. Again, nasty looks and words this time. As we watched her walk away, Paul turned to me and smiled.
- “Wanna drink something?”, oh, I felt uncomfortable. Every time I had been alone with Paul something had happened, and I didn’t want to do anything to Eli. Apart that I was absolutely crazy about John.
- “No, thank you”. Paul kept on drinking from his drink that he had in a long glass. “Paul...”, I started, “this is difficult...”, I didn’t know how to start. I decided to start for the beginning. “How exactly is your relationship with Eli?” he looked surprised, genuinely surprised. I honestly think he didn’t expect me to approach him so soothingly to talk about Eli.
- “Gear, Why?” I didn’t want to tell him I had heard him the night before. I wanted John to talk to him, but first I wanted John to talk to Eli.
- “I don’t know... Paul, all these girls...” He looked around.
- “Looks”, said Paul, “nothing else. Eli doesn’t have to worry about this, if that’s what you mean”. Yeah, that was what I meant, or was it not? ;Maybe I was also speaking up for John. “But this is not what you come to talk, is it?”, asked me Paul. Oh, how did he know? I still don’t know how I ever thought I could cheat any of the boys. They were more intelligent than some people thought back then. I looked down at the floor.
- “Well, Paul... Why...? I mean, why did you...? why did you kiss me?”, I didn’t have the nerve to look him up at the face. But just when I thought Paul would answer me because so many seconds had already gone by, we heard a very familiar voice shouting:
- “WHAT THE BLOODY ‘ELL IS GOING ON HERE?” John. That was John. Drunk as a skunk and shouting at us. We both looked up to see him standing behind me, with his mop top all sweating and the nose sharper as it used to go when he drank.
- “Shit, nothing, John. We’re talking”
- “Don’t want ya to talk to ‘er, Macca!”
- “Why not, John?”, I told him. John looked at me.
- “Don’t want ya to end up in ‘is bed, that’s all”. Paul and I were quite puzzled. John was drunk, and that was the end of it.
- “Come on, Lennon, let’s go back to the hotel, you’re drunk”. I was beginning to envision another nasty scene like the one where he beat up Bob Wooler back in Liverpool. And I started to panic. John didn’t want to go, and Paul went to look for help. I was alone with John. He could hardly stood still. He leaned and touched my face.
- “I’m not drunk, luv”, he told me, but he was and I knew it. I looked at his watch. He had it with American time, thank God. Almost 4 am. Time to go anyway. Paul came with Ringo and another guy. Neil and Mal were waiting in a limo, they told us.
- “Murray, help me convince him that we have to go to bed”, Paul told the guy I didn’t know.
- “Stop playing the bloody father figure, Macca. I’m alright”, but anyhow he was determined to go, which was a relief for us.
I couldn’t end up the conversation with Paul. And I wanted to, but once we arrived back at the plaza, John was so far out that he fell on the bed and drifted to sleep immediately.
- “I’ll be Ok”, I told Neil, Mal, Paul and Ringo at the door of our room. I would have liked to say to Paul that he still had to answer my question, but I couldn’t do it because everybody was there. And if someone was missing, it wasn’t too long, because Brian came to see how we were. Very kindly Neil and Mal took him away.
I fell on the bed next to John and started to think. Yes, Paul had kissed me, that was a fact. But maybe he was only thanking me for having bought him so many records. And besides, a kiss doesn’t mean a thing. You kiss your relatives everyday, and your friends, and I was Paul’s friend... Was I? I don’t know. Paul had never shown much interest in me. At the beginning I thought he was crazy about Edu, and Edu still had a marvellous relationship with him. Then Eli came up on the scene and it was even bye bye to Jane Asher, so Paul must feel strong about Eli. But then it was my kiss, well, his kiss to me. No, he hadn’t kissed me the way my dad kisses me, or my brother, for that matter. He had kissed me differently.
I got up to change and put into my dressing gown. I went to the window and looked at the winter night. It must be really cold outside because it was a starry night and those nights with the sky so clear were the coldest ones. I went again to the bathroom to brush my teeth when I heard someone singing and playing the guitar. Again it was Paul’s room, but this time, instead of bad vibes like the night when I had heard that bloody bunny sighing while Paul made love to her, this time I heard lovely music and Paul singing a beautiful song that I had never heard before.
“Bright are the starts that
shine
dark is the sky
I know this love of mine
Will never die...”
It was really beautiful, Paul had a marvellous voice. I always loved John’s voice, more than Paul’s, but I had to admit, that song was really lovely. And yes, it was describing the night beautifully. I smiled and went out to sleep. John was still sleeping on the covers, so I carefully tugged them out and covered John. I went inside the bed and kissed John on the head. Then I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up the next day to soft kisses all over my head and some hands lifting my night-gown and touching me everywhere. I opened my eyes and saw John kissing me all over:
- “Good morning, John”, I told him. He looked up and smiled.
- “Mornin’, luv. You’re the only thing that keeps me from banging my ‘ead off to get rid of this bloody hangover”. I smiled. And then all the memories from the night before came to my head.
- “You shouldn’t drink that much”, I told him. He looked uneasy. Obviously John didn’t like other people to tell him what to do or what not to do. He got up and walked away from me to the window. He stood there looking at New York.
- “I love New York”, he said, “I’d like to live here for some time, what do ya think?” I didn’t want to divert the topic. First, the answer wouldn’t have pleased John, because I loved Spain and I put up with England because he was there, but nothing else. Second, because I didn’t like some of John’s ways. His drinking habit was becoming a bit too much for me.
- “I think you shouldn’t drink that much”, I repeated firmly.
- “Bloody stop, Vicky!”, he said looking at me. That hurt. I got up and went to the bathroom where I locked myself up. I just wanted to have a normal conversation with John now that he was sober. I didn’t hear him insist on me opening the door or something so I assumed he would have gone when I had come out from the bathroom. But no. He was still there, sitting on the bed now, smoking. The long, long fringe he was wearing now covered almost his wonderful brown eyes. He was wearing a suit. He saw me and made a gesture for me to go over. I obeyed and sat on his lap. He kissed me on the lips.
- “I won’t drink again if you don’t want me to”, he said.
- “Oh, no, no, no. I’m not saying I don’t want you to drink. I just don’t want you to drink THAT much. I drink sometimes, and Paul, George and Ringo drink too, but don’t get drunk”. He looked at me very seriously in the eye.
- “Paul doesn’t need to drink to keep a bird satisfied”, my heart stopped. What did he mean? Did he mean all those bunnies and stunning girls? Was that what he wanted? Just to be with the girls Paul was? I wanted to get rid of John’s arms but he stopped me. “Wha? Did I say anything wrong?” I looked at him. Was he playing dumb now with me or what? What kind of question was that?
- “You drink because you want to be like Paul, because you want his girls. So, what are you doing with me then, John?” John looked at me as thought he didn’t know me.
- “What are ya talking about?” I finally got up and walked away from him. He came after me and held my waist with both his hands. Then he turned me round and I faced him. He stroked my face. “Vicky, you misunderstood me. Every party we’ve been the three of us together, you’ve always ended up talking to Paul or looking at him in a way that I don’t like one bit”. That was it. I got it. He was jealous. His defence was to drink. He thought I would end up in Paul’s arms. I had to kiss him passionately and he kept my kiss. When I separated from his mouth to breath, I told him:
- “John, I love you madly. How can you think I can consider Paul more than just a friend? I love you, YOU, John Lennon”, he let out a weak laughter.
- “I love you too, kitten” He kissed me and pushing me onto the bed, started to undress me really slow. I knew this time I would make love to him. And I let him know.
- “John, this time, let’s make love”, he smiled a mischievous grin and came to kiss me while at the same time he tried to unlatch my bra. I was breathing hard. I had been waiting to make love to John for so long that I thought I would come as soon as he approached the edge of his dick to me. He noticed I was very aroused and that turned him on all the more. He started to undress himself and then leaned down to kiss me. I was already moaning with pleasure when we heard some knocks on the door. We both stopped short in our love making, not wanting even to breath. My heart was beating fast. I wanted to make love to John, who on earth could that be?
- “Who’s that?”, asked John.
- “John, it’s Brian. All the press is already waiting downstairs. Be there in five minutes”. John looked at me in awe.
- “Bloody ‘ell, I had forgotten”, he got up in a jump and started putting all his clothes on.
- “Where are you going?”, I couldn’t believe he was leaving me like that, all horny and wanting so much to make love to him.
- “We’ve some interviews now, and the usual shit, you know”. I felt disappointed and my face showed it. “You can come with us if you want, but it’ll be boring. It’s boring for us, just imagine for yourself”. I started to got up and get dressed. Love making would have to wait until the night.
- “It’s alright then, John. I’ll stay with Maureen. She’s nice”.
- “You get on well with her, don’t ya?”
- “Oh yeah”
- “She’s very nice and a great friend of ours. One of the few press people we can trust”, I looked puzzled at him. Could he be thinking of something else with her? Maureen had already implied she had a crush on John. But John was expressionless. “Ok, then, luv. Must go. We’ll be free by lunch, I guess”, he kissed me and left.
Still all horny and aroused, I went to look for Maureen, but she was also going to be at the press conference with lots more of people, so I just tried to keep myself busy. I watched TV, tried to contact Edu and Eli for the umpteenth time without success and I even tried to go out and sightsee a little, but someone stopped me at the door saying I couldn’t. This was a drag! To be here io New York and not being able to go out to see the city.
John had told me they would be free by lunch, but no. Maureen Cleave came up with Neil Aspinall (who had become sort of a body guard for us) to the suite room where I was watching TV and told me the Beatles now needed to go to a ceremony with Capitol Records to receive golden discs so we were free until the evening.
- “Oh, Maureen”; I complained, “but this is not what I was told!”, she looked at me rather puzzled.
- “And what were you told?” I thought. I was lying. Yes, this was what Brian had told me when we were going to the airport in the limo. He told me I couldn’t be with John and I had understood, but I never thought it would be so hard.
- “Nothing, Maureen”, it’s Ok, I guess I’ll just have to get used to it”, she nodded.
- “The boys are great now, very big now in England and in America. And this is how it’s going to be from now on”.
Neil suggested playing chess. Maureen had some knowledge on how to play but I had none so he offered to teach me. We had a very good time. And I became obsessed with chess. When we heard some cheer voices coming throughout the corridor, Neil wanted to stop playing (after having beaten me for a couple of times) but I decided to go on. I was so concentrated that I didn’t notice four pair of eyes fixed on us. Then everybody started talking at the same time, in loud voices.
- “Eat the knight, eat the knight!”
- “No, no! It’s the rook, Nel, just go for it!”
- “Don’t move the Queen that much, luv!”
- “Oh, stop it!”, I finally shouted, concentration lost. Everybody started to laugh but I had to give up. I couldn’t go on concentrating.
Once again that evening we went out to several clubs. John didn’t drink and so I was with him the whole night, kissing him, hugging him, laughing at his witty remarks... But I was getting very tired and when we went back to our rooms, I was so far gone that I drifted off to sleep almost immediately. The last thing I remember before going to another world, was John pushing the sheets over me and kissing my head.
John woke me up the nest morning:
- “Luv, I want you to see this”, I got up groggily and looked out of the window. The city was covered in snow. I couldn’t believe it! It was the first time I had seen the snow and I was glad that John had woken me up to see it.
- “It’s wonderful, John”, I looked at him. He was holding a piece of paper with one hand and had a pencil in the other. “What’s that?”, I asked him. He looked at his hands and looked a little bit embarrassed as if he didn’t want to show me.
- “Oh, nothing. Something I’ve written. But I have to show it to Paul”.
- “Can I see it?”, he didn’t answer and went to sit on the bed. I followed him. Then John spoke.
- “I’ve written it thinking of you, and remembering what we talked about yesterday. I don’t know, luv, I’m not good at writing love songs. Paul is better”.
- “And you say it’s for me?”, I said grabbing it. He nodded. So I took the paper out of his hand and started to read it:
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
‘cos I’ve been in love before
and I found that love was more
than just holding hands
if I give my heart to you
I must be sure from the very start
That you would love me more than her
I read it once, twice, three times. John was looking at me.
- “Well?”, he said, “You don’t like it, do you?”
- “No, no, I like it, it’s just that...”, but I couldn’t find the words because I didn’t know what it was, really. Something in the words didn’t appeal to me and I wanted to know what it was. John was nervous and insecure that I didn’t like it.
- “Well, we still have to change some things from the lyrics and Paul has to give his opinion and...”, I kissed him to shut his words up.
- “Hey, John, I love it. It’s only when you say that you’ve been in love before and all...”, that was it! I got it. That was what made me feel a little bit bad, I could hear a sigh of relief.
- “Oh, that, luv! I’ll change it if you want. Just the rhythm and stuff, you know”.
- “No, leave it there! I love it. And the music?”, I asked. He shrugged.
- “I need Paul, baby, I started writing it this early morning, when you were still sleeping. Paul doesn’t even know I’ve written this”; he looked at his watch. “Bloody hell! Pack in, luv! In an hour we have to go to Washington”.
I rushed in. I had a shower (hair washing included), dried my hair and wrapped in a towel. I came out to pack. John was still there, thoughtful, watching his cigarette. When he heard I was coming out of the bathroom, he suddenly asked me:
- “Luv, am I pleasing you?” What kind of question was that?! John was everything I had always wanted. I didn’t mind his fame not his money. I loved him madly. I sat down next to him and wrapped my hands around his neck.
- “Definitely”, I told him and then I kissed him.
- “I don’t know”, he said, “I’m sometimes not sure. All this craziness of Beatlemania is really too much for me to lead a normal life. And you are my normal life, and I would like to spend my days loving you, kissing you, making love to only you”. I was looking at him and smiling. I was going to tell him that I loved him madly and that I didn’t care if we had to wait to make love until we got home when Brian opened the door (this time without knocking) and informed us quite seriously:
- “All flights have been cancelled. John, I’ve phoned a special carriage to take us to Washington. Are you ready? And we have to leave this minute”, ended Brian. John looked at me with eyes that questioned if I was ready and I nodded.
Oh, every time I went out to the street with the boys, I lost track of time and place. I could only hear an incredible amount of screams and besides I couldn’t distinguish anything. I lost John and the rest of the guys and I only could see cameramen everywhere flashing snapshots, policemen holding people back and men running everywhere. I didn’t know even where I was.
I was suddenly put into a car where the only person I knew was Bob Freeman. He saw my amazement and laughed:
- “How are you, little girl? All this lunacy is too much to take in, isn’t it?”
- “Oh, Bob! It is indeed! I haven’t seen you in all these days!”, he laughed. He then introduced me to the rest of the entourage. There were names and faces that I can’t remember now. I wondered where Maureen could be. Maybe with Brian.
We arrived at the station and we were immediately put onto a train. The lunacy stopped once we were on it. Thank God ‘cos I don’t’ know if I wouldn’t have been able to survive. I started looking for John. He was looking for me too and we met in the middle of one of the wagons. John opened his arms to hug me and we kissed passionately. We then started to hear some violin imitations. John laughed:
- “Shurrup, Ring!”, I laughed too. “How are ya, luv? No problems getting on?”, I smiled at him.
- “No, I’m OK”
Holding each other by the waist, we went with the rest of the guys. It was “hello” on the part of Ringo and George, but Paul was in a strange mood. I didn’t care. John sat down and I sat down with him. There were lots of cameramen going everywhere, filming George and Ringo, who were clowning around. Every now and then the camera went to John, but they soon left knowing John was with me. Brian had informed the cameramen not to film John when he was with me. He didn’t want anybody to know that John had left Cynthia for me, so I had to keep a low profile. I didn’t mind. John meant the world to me, so I would do anything for him. When we finally were alone, I asked him:
- “John, have you seen all those girls outside?”, he nodded and looked at me puzzled. “You know you could have any girl you like. You only have to choose the one you like most”, he looked at me deeply in the eye and told me:
- “I’ve chosen the one I like most, luv”, I kissed him. I don’t know why that had come up to my mind at that very moment. I suppose the fact of seeing Paul and Ringo all surrounded by gorgeous women made me a little bit sad.
All the trip to Washington was spent in a lot of fun. The cameramen were going crazy with George and Ringo. Once George approached John to ask him for a cigarette. I decided to go to the bathroom at that moment and I walked past Paul, who was telling a cameraman that was filming him:
- “I’m not in a laughing mood, even”. Paul was really strange. Very outgoing when in public, and quite moody in private. But I decided not to pay much attention to him and try to forget what happened in the lift between ourselves that day and enjoy my visit to Washington.
When we arrived in Washington it was absolutely freezing. Everywhere was covered in snow but even so lots of girls had gathered at the station to receive the Beatles. I knew I would lose John the minute I walked off the train. And I was right. I was held back by some men who pushed me as quickly as the Beatles had gone a few steps ahead. I was a little bit scared because I couldn’t see any familiar face anywhere. Thank God John was wearing a cap, so I spotted him among the crowd.
We went into a room where they held another press conference. Again the questions were the same, and the boys tiredly answered them as cheerfully as they were able that chilly morning. And immediately after the press conference, we were driven to a radio station. If I wasn’t very aware of the BBC in England, I couldn’t care less about American radio stations. But I heard someone say it was the first American radio station to play a Beatle record, so it was important.
Again they were interviewed and when it was finally time to go to rest, John crawled behind me, not caring about the journalists, and the photographers and the cameramen. He held my waist and kissed me on the head.
- “I’m sorry about all this, luv”, he told me. I didn’t know what he meant.
- “All this?”
- “All this lunacy, this rushing everywhere... you must be tired... This is not what a girl who has just lost her baby should be doing. And it’s all me fault. I wanted you to come...”, Oh, that I couldn’t believe. John was feeling guilty and I couldn’t tolerate that. John was so caring with me. He leaned down to kiss me and that was it. All photographers around us taking pictures and trying to stick their microphones in John’s and my mouth. A huge shadow came suddenly and stood between us and the pres. It was Mal.
- “Please, keep away”, he was saying. Brian also turned up unexpectedly and looked at John an angry look:
- “John, what are you doing?”
- “I’m kissing me woman. I’m fed up with pretending I’m with Cyn. Our marriage is over, Brian, and Vicky shouldn’t be putting up with all this shit”, obviously everybody was hearing that, so Brian approached John slightly and told him:
- “Tell everybody in a press conference before the concert tonight”, and with that, he walked away from us. John looked at me and pulled a face. He was in no way affected by Brian. And I was very happy that finally everything would be out in the open. I wouldn’t have to hide any more.
The hotel we were staying in Washington was really luxurious. I had never seen anything like that. My goodness! It was huge and decorated in golden. We were on the seventh floor. The room John and I shared was incredibly huge too. Only the bathroom was like my whole house in Spain! Once in the room, we started to unpack.
- “So, John...”, he looked at me expectantly, “what are you going to say in the press conference tonight?” he shrugged.
- “The truth. I won’t say anything your parents can be angry at you if they hear it... I only married Cynthia because she was pregnant and you know that” I leaned my head.
- “Fans will hate me because of that”, he hugged me.
- “They won’t and even if they do, what do we care? I love you, and that’s what matters”. We kissed. I loved John absolutely madly and he felt the same.
That evening the Beatles had to play at the Washington Coliseum,. It was arranged that I would go with Louise, George’s sister. Maureen would be in the press side this time and Louise and I would be with the audience.
They were on a round stage. The place was absolutely crowded and there was a constant screaming that wouldn’t stop. For the first part, the Beatles were facing us. I don’t think John could see me, because I could hardly see him either. There were lots of policemen standing on their foot around the stage. But I didn’t care. I could see John whenever I wanted.
All the girls didn’t stop screaming. I was so amazed. Louise was also quite moved. I could even see some tears falling down her face.
- “Hey! What’s wrong?”, I asked her.
- “Isn’t it amazing? To think that all this is for our boys is something really incredible”.
I suddenly felt something hitting me on the back of my head. Ouch! It hurt. I picked up whatever it was from the floor and looked at it.
- “What’s that?”, asked me Louise. We both looked at he bullet in despair. It was a jelly baby. We suddenly realised that the stage was full of jelly babies that the girls were throwing at the stage. I laughed.
- “A jelly baby! They’re not so jelly when they hit your head”, Louise laughed too and we looked at he stage. I felt disappointed when the boys turned to face the other side of the audience. Now they were giving us their backs. Boy had they grown their hair long! Up to that moment, I hadn’t realised I was involved with a famous person. Edu and I had both read about girls screaming at Elvis and dreaming with the Everly brothers, and we had sometimes dreamt of meeting Bob Dylan or Elvis. And now we were living one of our fantasies... oh! But thinking of Edu made me realise I didn’t know anything of her or Eli. Every time I tried to put through to them, either nobody picked up the phone or I heard Tessa’s voice and then hang up. I definitely had to keep on trying.
When the concert finished I wanted to hear the press conference where John would finally confess he was with me. But someone told me I couldn’t. So Louise and I had to wait in a separate room while the Beatles talked to all the press. I didn’t care. I could always ask John or even read it in the morning papers. After twenty minutes or half an hour, we were all driven to the hotel. Once there, Brian told me the boys were going to a reception at the British Embassy and that I had to wait for them there. I went to look for John.
- “John, honey, can’t I really go with you?”, John looked at me with sad eyes. He shook his head.
- “Luv, I’m so sorry... I’d love you to go but you see, this bloody policy...”, he kissed me softly on the lips, “but I’ll make it up for you, luv. I’ll give you whatever you want. Just tell me, tell me, my love, what do you want?”, I looked at John in awe. Was he talking seriously? Was he really asking me there and then what I wanted? How could I tell him? I just wanted to be with him. I kissed him again.
- “I want you, John, and I’ll be here waiting for you when you come back”. And that was it. The Beatles went and I stayed at the hotel. Louise had also gone. She had a husband also to take care of and now that George was much better she didn’t think she was more needed. We said our goodbyes and promised we would be in touch. She gave me her regards to Edu and went.
Mal Evans, Neil and Brian had all gone with the guys, so it was again Maureen Cleave and me with a couple of other guys who were playing our body guards.
I had a great time during the dinner, without doing anything special. After the dinner and after having some coffees, I went to the bedroom to rest. I just lied there with my eyes closed and didn’t realised I had fallen asleep until I heard the door of the bedroom opening. Everything was in silence but I suddenly heard John sobbing. Was it possible or was I dreaming? John crying!!! What on Earth...?
- “Bloody fucking hell, those bloody bastards!!”, he was saying in between sobs. I turned on the light in panic and caught John shedding tears. He looked at me in amazement and turning his head quickly, he wiped his tears away with his arm.
- “John, what’s wrong?”, I asked him in panic. When he was sure he had pulled himself together, he turned to me and said.
- “Nothing, my little child, go back to sleep”, I got up and went to him.
- “No! Please, John, do tell me”, I was almost begging him because I was really scared. I had never seen John in that state before and I was starting to panic. I really wanted to know.
John went to the bed and sat own on it. I followed him and sat down next to him. John was looking down. He wouldn’t look at me. He wasn’t crying any more, but I could see he was still very very upset. I didn’t dare saying a word. When the silence was too awkward to stand, he finally looked at me and told me with his eyes still very bright, as if he wanted to cry more:
- “We’ve been taken the piss, luv. People had laughed at us, bloody ‘ell, and I couldn’t even defend meself”. I blinked a couple of times, because I couldn’t see what he was trying to tell me. Taken the piss? Laughed at? But hadn’t they gone to a reception at the British Embassy? “Yes, luv, and Brian didn’t even said a word, the fucking bastard! But I’ll have a go at him with this”. At that very moment we heard a knock on the door. I went to open it and Brian and the three Beatles were on the door.
- “How’s John?”, asked me Ringo. They were all trying to peek inside so I let them in. Obviously they knew John had had an outfit. They all approached John at the bed, but he would only speak to Ringo. Brian was very upset and was all the time saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. I wanted to know exactly what had happened and so I went to Brian, but he was so upset, that he could only speak to John, obviously his favourite, so I went to George (yes, I was avoiding Paul), but Paul was quicker and grabbed me by the arm. My heart was beating fast, as every time Paul looked at me or spoke to me.
- “John will need you tonight more than ever”, he told me. Again that look on his face, the same he had in the lift the day he kissed me. But I didn’t think Paul would kiss me with John there, so I relaxed a little bit. However, I couldn’t help but looking at John every now and then with the corner of my eye.
- “What happened?” Paul sighed.
- “All these people, you see, who think they’re superior because they’re rich. When we started signing autographs, they laughed saying we could write. John put up with that, he himself can take the piss out of anybody, but when someone cut Ringo’s hair, that was too mush for all of us”
- “No way!”, I couldn’t believe it! Someone had cut Ring’s hair. And now I understood. John was very used to taking the piss out of everybody, but when he was at the other side, that was a different story. I went to John. Now Brian was sitting down next to him on the bed, and John had his head between his hands. Suddenly, in a blink, John got up in a jump and faced Brian. He started shaking a finger at Brian’s face:
- “Never again! Do you hear me, Brian??! Never again will I be the laughing stock for all those fucking people!!”, he was really angry at Brian and for a moment we all thought he was going to punch him. Ringo held John by the arms:
- “Calm down, Johnny!”, Brian was almost in tears. George, the quiet one, was in a corner of the room, obviously upset as well but not showing it too much. Ringo, the peace maker, was holding John and avoiding a disaster. And for once in his life, Paul was angry at Brian too and was on John’s side.
- “I won’t either, Brian”, he told him. John butted in:
- “Brian, fucking hell!, you listening?!”, and then Brian burst into tears. I was really scared. That bit of privacy I was sharing with the guys was too much for me. Brian sat down and held his head with his hands. John looked at Paul and Paul shrugged. George and Ringo said nothing and I was in another corner, half hidden, in my dressing gown, not daring to interfere in that privacy. And then, Brian lifted up his head and said:
- “Never again will I expose you to that kind of gathering again. Never!”
- “Promise, Brian!”, said Paul.
- “I promise”, was Brian final sentence. The atmosphere relaxed after that. Paul smiled and George and Ringo seemed to recover life. John’s features also relaxed. Only Brian seemed to be still in trance. Ringo approached him and helped him lift up. George and Paul headed for the door and muttered:
- “Good night, John! Vicky...”, and they left. Then silence. I was still in the corner and John had sat down on the bed. He didn’t say a word, but I was frightened. I sometimes regretted having come. Yes, because John needed those moments of privacy and maybe I was disturbing him. But then he looked at me:
- “Luv, sorry to put you through all this shit”, then I walked towards him and sat down next to him on the bed. I ran my fingers through his lovely hair.
- “Don’t worry, John. I love you, no matter what”, he looked at me and smiled. For the first time in the whole night, he smiled. Then I leaned to kiss him. His smile was something I could never resist. This time it was me, but John responded to the kiss. I kissed him passionately, and I felt John’s tongue moving inside my mouth. That turned me on. A lot. So we both leaned to lie on our backs on the bed without stopping in our kiss and John lifted my night gown. I was really aroused. And I knew this time we would make love. John couldn’t stop kissing me, and I couldn’t either, but then suddenly John stopped: “What’s wrong?”, I asked him, scared that he might not feel like doing it. His lovely smile came back to his pretty face and told me:
- “Shh! Don’t move, luv, lie down on your back”, I obeyed, not knowing what he was up to. I had my night gown up above my breasts and I decided to take it off. Then I closed my eyes. I could hear John doing things around the room and I half opened my eyes. He was undressing. He was still wearing the smart suit he had for the reception at the Embassy, the bloody reception that had made my John suffer. I closed my eyes again, not wanting to spoil my love making with John thinking of that. After a while, I felt John over me. But there was something wrong. Where it was supposed to be his face, now were his legs. I opened my eyes and came face to face to his dick and testicles. I was shocked at first. But then I saw John’s head between my legs, at the far end, and he was smiling: “What? Do as I do, luv, you’ll like it”, and then he started to lick my vaginal lips quite softly, leading me almost to the orgasm. I moaned but then I felt so aroused that, instinctively, I grabbed his dick and put it in my mouth. I suppose that’s what John wanted because he moaned and said: “Ohhhh, yeah, baby...”. Then I started to lick it and sucking it. I loved doing it, I just wanted to make John happy. But I don’t know why I was always more ready than him. I immediately started feeling the waves of orgasm coming to me, so I let rid of his dick (or I stopped sucking it because it remained inside my mouth) and just moaned and moaned until I came. My sighs and moaning might have turned John all the more because I suddenly started to feel his liquid filling my mouth. “Ohh... babe... ohhh...”.
I couldn’t say a word because his dick was still in my mouth, but then, he suddenly dropped sideways on the bed and closed his eyes. I got up and went to the bathroom. There I washed myself and when I was washing my face, John came up behind me and grabbed me by the waist. I could see him in the mirror. With one hand he caressed my breasts and with the other he held my hair up to kiss my neck.
- “69 has always been my favourite number”, he muttered in between kisses. I didn’t understand and my face showed it. John stopped kissing me and laughed. “My lovely bird, what we’ve just made is called 69... can’t you guess why?”, then I suddenly realised and I wanted to die of the embarrassment. I obviously didn’t know many things about sex and John was a very good teacher. But he went on: “Anyway, this isn’t over, luv”, he whispered again in my ear. I turned round and John kissed me. His eyes were still shining because he had been crying but now they were happy. We kissed during a couple of minutes and then he dragged me again to bed. He pushed me on my back on the bed and lied over me. He kissed my eyes, my nose, my cheeks... Then he went down to my neck and down to one breast, then the other. After having had an orgasm, I couldn’t think I would have another but John was working on it. He kissed his way down to my belly and stopped to play with my belly button. By then I was starting to feel quite aroused again. He knew I liked what he was doing to me but we were in so much need of making love that instead of going down, like he usually did, he came up to kiss me on the mouth and then whispered to me: “Now is it, luv. I don’t care what Mrs Collins may say... I need you... I need you inside me, luv...”, and he was still speaking when he pushed and went into me. The feeling was weird again, after having been so much time without anything inside me but a finger but then once again I got used to it and felt in heaven. John was making love to me once again and I was so glad that he had waited for me... He whispered my name hundreds of times, and I soon felt another orgasm coming to me. I came with a loud sigh but it took John a while to come. I didn’t care. I loved him with all my heart. When he finally came, we both fell asleep.