I thought I couldn't live without him.Dating Violence
A Teen's Story
I thought I couldn't live without him.
My name is Tina. Todd seemed like the perfect guy. Good grades, good looks, cool friends. He had it all.
I felt so lucky to be with him. He was always doing romantic things. Even my parents thought he was the greatest.
And Todd said he couldn't live without me.
"Tina," he would say. "I want you all to myself."
Todd was so jealous! He hated it when I talked with other guys even about school.
He didn't even like me doing stuff with my best friend Alana.
I was flattered at first. "He must really love me," I thought. It felt good to know someone cared so much.
Something wasn't quite right about Todd
and Tina.
My name is Alana, and I've known Tina forever. We're like sisters. Then along comes this guy Todd, and suddenly I hardly see Tina anymore. It hurt. But I was worried too. Todd gave me the creeps. It's like he wanted to control everything that Tina did. He was always criticizing Tina - her clothes, how she talked - right in front of everyone. Todd had aa temper too. He got in a lot of fights. If another guy just looked at Tina, he would lose it.
I tried talking with Tina once.
We were having conversation about who else - Todd. And I just came out with it.
"Tina, I'm telling you this as a friend. I don't like the way Todd treats you. You deserve better."
Tina didn't say a word. So I went on.
"The way he bosses you around and loses his temper... he's like those guys on TV who beat up their girlfriends."
Then Tina got mad.
"Todd is the best thing that ever happened to me. You want me to break up with him? You're just jealous."
I couldn't believe Alana.
Todd was everything to me. I wanted to spend all my time with him. I wanted to dress the way he liked and look good for him. Sure, I wished he wouldn't put me down or fight with other guys. But that just made me want to please him more. If I did please him, I thought, maybe he would stop. And that stuff Alana said - well, I knew Todd loved me. So he would never hurt me, right?
Then one day something happened.
Todd hurt me. We were arguing - he was saying that I spent too much time with Alana. He was getting more and more angry. Suddenly, he grabbed me hard and pushed me against a wall. My head banged on the bricks. His face - I'll never forget that look. I was shocked. I couldn't move.
Todd felt so bad.
"I can't believe I did that!" he said. "Are you ok? Tina, I swear I'll never, ever do that again."
He was so sweet. I could tell that he was really sorry. "I'm sorry too," I said. "I didn't mean to get you so upset."
So we made up. It sounds strange, but in a way I felt closer to Todd than ever before.
But it kept happening. It even got worse.
One time Todd squeezed my arm so tight it left a huge bruise. Another time he punched me hard in the stomach. I could barely breathe. But every time, it was the same. He would say he was sorry. Sometimes, he would even cry. Then he would buy me presents and be so nice. So, I would forgive him. Deep down I was so confused. "How can he love me and hurt me?" I thought. "I must be doing something wrong." I told myself to try harder.
Something was definitely wrong.
I saw Tina even less than before. When I did see her, we barely spoke. Whenever Todd was around, she acted real nervous. I could tell that she was afraid of him. Then, one day when we were getting dressed after gym, I notices this big bruise on her arm. It actually looked like a person's fingers. The pieces all fit together. So I asked her, "Is Todd hurting you?"
Tina looked at me and started to cry. "It's not his fault," she sobbed. "He really loves me. It's my fault."
"Tina," I said. "It is not your fault. He has no right to hurt you, no matter what."
But she just kept going on about what a great guy Todd was.
Tina was in tough shape.
I think she knew she had to get away from Todd. But Todd was her whole life. It was hard for her to let go.
"I've tried everything," Tina cried. "Why can't I make him stop? What am I going to do?"
I could see that Tina really needed help. She was confused, scared. "We need to tell someone about this, Tina," I said.
Tina looked at me. She seemed frightened - but also relieved.
"Would you come with me to the school counselor's office?" she asked. So, we went to see Ms. Lee.
I learned a lot from Ms. Lee.
She said that what was happening to me was called dating violence. It happens to a lot of young people. Ms. Lee also helped me see that Todd had a problem. It wasn't my fault. Nothing I did caused him to hurt me. In fact, what Todd was doing was against the law.
"Todd needs help," said Ms. Lee. "Otherwise, he'll keep hurting you. The violence will probably get worse. But the most important thing is your safety Tina. I worry that Todd is a real danger to you right now. We need to tell the police what is going on."
Ms. Lee also gave me the number of the local crisis center. She said I could call for help or support.
Breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Ms. Less said it was safest to tell Todd over the phone. So that night, I called him. He begged me and threatened me. He told me that no one else would ever love me. I was really scared of Todd. The school and police warned him to stay away. But I still had to be careful. And, there was a big part of me that still loved Todd. I knew I had to leave him, but it still hurt so much. It's a good thing I had Alana, Ms. Lee, and the people at the crisis center. My parents were great too. They really helped me during these last few months. And, fortunately, Todd left me alone. I even heard he was getting help. Now, I am feeling much stronger. I want to tell you what I've learned.
You don't have to live with violence.
No one has the right to hit you, force you to have sex or hurt you in any way - ever.
Be careful of people who:
Not everyone with these traits will become violent. But use caution.
A violent person needs help - without it, the violence will get worse.
Don't be afraid to ask for help and protection - ending a violent relationship can be difficult and dangerous. Crisis centers, shelters, hotlines, and the police or sheriff can help. Look for their numbers in the phone book.
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