Recovery Issues

I never thought it would happen to me.

One out of three females and one out of seven males will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.

I was so afraid…

Sexual Assault is an act of violence and power – not passion. It is not the result of sexual arousal. Offenders seek power by taking away their victim’s power and control. Sex is the weapon.

What if I didn’t fight back? Is it my fault? I feel so ashamed….

Submitting to sexual assault to save your life, or to keep from being hurt, or because you were afraid does not make it any less of a crime. SUBMISSION IS NOT CONSENT. Sexual assault is never your fault.

Aren’t sexual assaults usually committed in dark alleys by strangers?

50% of sexual assaults happen in victims’ homes. Nationwide, in 60%-80% of sexual assaults the victim know the offender.

He’s my husband so it can’t be sexual assault, right?

Wrong. No one, not even a spouse or ex-spouse, has the right to sexually assault you.

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Why do I feel so strange?

You have just experienced a terrible crime, but you have survived. Right now you may have a lot of different feelings, and…..

• You may not be able to sleep, or you may have nightmares.
• Your eating habits may change.
• You may be afraid to be left alone, or you may want to be left alone.
• You may have trouble concentrating and making decisions.
• Your relationship with your sexual partner may change.

IT’S OK TO CRY, IT’S OK NOT TO CRY. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO REACT. EACH OF US REACTS TO CRISIS IN OUR OWN WAY.

Will I ever recover? When will I feel better?

Recovery is a process that is different for everyone. Your first reaction may be shock, disbelief, or fear. You may respond by appearing very upset or by appearing calm and controlled. You may be unsure who to tell or what to do, and may not even be sure of how you feel.

As time passes, you will begin to work through the trauma in your own way. You may feel the need to change your address, job, or lifestyle in order to gain a sense of control and safety.

If you are sliding backward or feeling unable to cope with the sexual assault, it is important for you to remember that what you are going through is very common. Treat yourself gently and try not to put heavy demands on yourself. You may still not feel like yourself or be upset at times, but hopefully these periods will become less frequent as time goes by.

People have a wide range of reactions and recovery experiences following a sexual assault. It may help to talk to sexual assault counselors who have experience helping sexual assault victims. Contact information located in where to get help.

If, as time goes by, the sexual assault experience seems to be interfering with your life (you can’t sleep or you’re having trouble going back to work, etc.), or you are feeling depressed, you may find it helpful to seek professional help.

How can family, friends, and co-workers help?

Often, family, friends, and co-workers want to help, but are unsure about what to do. Be direct about telling them what you need or don’t need from them. You may want to share this information with people in your life.

Although there is no “right” way to respond to a victim, those who want to be helpful should…

• Be supportive, without overreacting. Victims may be sensitive to the reaction of others.
• Be sensitive to the fact that some sexual assault victims do not even want to be touched (hugged, patted, etc.).
• Try not to be awkward or show pity. The sexual assault experience is only one part of a person’s life – it should not overshadow everything else.
• Show interest, but don’t pry.
• Help the victim begin to make decisions if asked (who to tell, whether to report to police, where to stay, etc.), without trying to make decisions for the victim. It is important for the victim to have control over his or her life.
• Avoid being overly protective or overly attentive. Victims often want to be near others to feel safe and keep busy, but they may not want to be the center of attention.
• Be patient and understand that because anger and frustration cannot be taken out on the offender, victims may release their feelings on loved ones. Old problems may get worse and new ones may arise.
• Consider getting counseling for themselves. A sexual assault may be hard on everyone. Counseling can help them maintain the strength and understanding they need to support and assist the victim.

What if my child was sexually assaulted?

Children who are sexually assaulted have many of the same feelings and suffer the same emotional pain as adults. It is hard to predict how a child will react. Many children appear very upset. Other children show very little reaction. Some of the common reactions children may experience are:

• Fear of going to bed
• Inability to sleep
• Nightmares
• Increase quietness
• Loss of appetite
• Bed – or pant – wetting
• Development of problems in school
• Sexual play with friends or toys
• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Withdrawal from people
• Anger or Aggression
• Fussiness
• Change in bathroom habits
• Development of new fears (fear of dark, fear of being alone, etc.)

How can I help my child?

Comforting a sexually assaulted child can be very difficult. Because parents and guardians often need as much support as the child, it is important to get the support you need so that you can be at your best to help your child. Some ways to help your child are…

• Reassure your child that he or she is safe.
• Let your child know that what happened was not his or her fault. It did not happen because he or she was bad.
• Provide care and love.
• Allow your child to talk about the assault if he or she wants. Ask a counselor about how you can help your child talk about his or her concerns, questions, and fears. Keep a record of what your child says. (Be careful not to initiate such conversations as it may affect the prosecution.)
• Reassure your child that he or she is not permanently hurt or damaged.
• Try not to show anger around your child. Your child may confuse your anger at the offender with anger at him or her.
• Help your child return to his or her normal routine as quickly as possible.
• Get help. Sexual assault crisis centers have sexual assault counselors specially trained to help children and non-offending parents. They can also help you work with the police, the hospital and the legal system.

NOTE: The law requires that child sexual assaults be reported to the police and to the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Police or DCF worker will probably need to talk to you and your child.

Information provided by the State of Connecticut