Journey

~

i huddle there on the ground

as they dance around me

an endless whirl of noise and light

~

so many of them all united together to drive me mad.............

anger........fear........sadness.......pain........rage.........loneliness.......terror

.......joy ........laughter.......love .......happiness

~

they take turns forcing themselves upon me and making me feel them........

i can not keep them off me they burrow into my skin and cling with many

needle-like claws as soon as i am free of one another one

replaces it .......

~

sometimes.......sometimes i can ignore them.........

i can be oblivious to them as i go deep deep within myself and then...........

float away...........into the silence and the darkness.......

~

but i have seen things there i can not explain and do not understand

things that overwhelm and frighten me............

So i fight my way back..............

~

back to them.........they ones who torment me so...........

Their noise and light is louder .........they are glad of my return......

They are glad..........they are winning

~

i huddle down........

trying to make myself a smaller target.......

but it doesn't matter

they still get to me........but i really don't care

this angers them and they attack more and more viciously........

it is endless...

~

they stop.........

there is silence and the hideous light dims..........

i am frightened ....but i cautiously look up

~

HE has come again

with a wave of his hand they scatter

quaking in fear

~

Do you realize NOW that i am the only way he asked

the only escape........the only peace........your only hope

i am the answer..........YOUR only answer

~

i look up at him........

his arms are extended towards me

the darkness within only speaks of peace

~

i stumble up and walk towards him.........

focused only on that peaceful darkness within his arms

i keep walking towards him......drawn to that peacefulnessas i reach him HE encloses me in his arms

i shiver slightly as the intensity of the cold he radiates touches me

but soon i am blessed numb.......my body relaxes and leans into him

~

i am numb........it is quiet........nothing hurts me........nothing can

the effort of breathing is becoming too much of a burden

i close my eyes......feeling my heart beat slower.............

~

suddenly i am roused from my pleasant oblivion......

by quiet weeping........with great effort i turn my head and see a presence

and hear a quiet voice...........do not do this my child.......do not....

~

why not......He snarls...........you don't care about her......only I do

when did you ever offer here a way out

an escape from the pain

~

i offered her a way through not a way out...

...one must go through life not out of it

i offered her my help in my messengers

and moments of joy and beauty to ease the pain

~

GET OUT...she is mine......

i have her.........

she has chosen me freely

~

ask her......ask her now what she chooses ........show her my way

the truth

the pain and the beauty

~

the arguing voices drag me from my lethargy

i look around and hear the other voice.......

my child look...........

~

i have never left you ......you just could not see me

i have always been a part of you and the world around you

i am the one you choose to call Goddess

i have always been there..........

i have watched you struggle

but struggling is the route to growth and healing

~

life is full of ugliness as well as beauty

there can not be one without the other

as there can not be light without dark

~

i have sent you things to remind you that i care

and reminders of the beauty of life

remember your tree and the guide i sent you

remember the people that care about you

~

don't you think that you will hurt them?

don't you think they will be sad

that they need you and will miss you

~

pulling my head up i look at her........

no.......they will be better off without me....i am just a misery and a burden

i have no purpose .........no use......to anyone

~

my child you are of use.......you do have purpose

there are those who need you

remember the little cat.....you helped her on her journey back to me

she was one of my precious creatures and you gave her comfort

and dignity.......at great cost to yourself

didn't that matter.......didn't she matter

~

i feel life coming back into me...

... my breath quickens and catches in a sob

tears begin to trail down my face

i shiver from the cold

~

you stupid fool.......HE pushes me away

twice i have offered

twice you have changed your mind

you will beg me to come for you BEG me

~

i always win...... ALWAYS

but for know ....enjoy your pain

she won't save you from it......she never does

~

with an angry howl of wind

HE is gone

i am left in a limp puddle on the ground

~

my child you made the right choice

life and beauty are worth the pain

you have the strength.....i know you do

~

but it is so hard.........it has been so long ........i feel so trapped

i don't feel that i am getting anywhere

i don't think i will ever be done

ever be free from this pain

~

no one is ever done........life is a journey

but the pain will fade.......when you are brave enough to really face it

cherish and use the guides i send you well

~

remember that i dwell within you

all the strength you need dwells within you

you can do this.....you can....

~

i want to believe you

really i do, Goddess Mother

but i don't think i can do this.......i don't

but i will try.......