The little girl sat on her Nana's lap feeling warm and safe and loved. Outside, thunder boomed and lightning drew jagged lines in the dark night sky. Candles flickered bravely trying to pierce the darkness of the room, but none of this mattered to the little girl. She was terrified of the dark, and candles, and thunderstorms, but she felt safe. Really safe for one of the first times in her life.
Nana was holding her and taking care of her. Nana had even yelled at her older sister. Her older sister was everyone's favorite. No one ever yelled at her. She was the good one, the smart one. The little girl was only a disappointment. She was supposed to have been a boy, and now she was making mommie and daddy not love each other anymore. She was always sick, and that took to much of mommie's time away from daddy. She knew mommie didn't love her even when she tried to be good, tried to be just like her older sister.
Nana was different though. This was the first time the little girl had ever been left with Nana. The little girl had been shy and subdued. She had never been with Nana without mommie there before. She assumed she should just blend quietly, be as inconspicuous as possible. Then the thunder came, and the lights went out, and Nana lit the candles. The little girl was so afraid of the dark, and of the candles. Her older sister was romping about making the candles flicker and dance. The little girl was so afraid that she started to cry and wet her pants. Nana noticed and came over to her. The little girl expected to be yelled at. But Nana only dried her tears and cleaned her up. Then she sat on Nana's lap while Nana helped her put her jamies on. Then Nana told her older sister to stop jumping around like that. Nana said she was frightening her little sister and she was old enough to know better. The little girl snuggled closer to her Nana and felt safe and warm. That night in bed the little girl repeated a chant over and over in her head. 'My mommie doesn't love me, but i don't really care...because my Nana loves me.
The next day the little girl's mommie came to pick her up and take her and her older sister home. She said something about daddy not liking the place they had gone. The little girl did not see very much of her Nana after that and she NEVER saw her without her mommie there.
At home the little girl was often sad. Her mommie didn't love her. At first she tried so hard to please her mommie. Her mommie and daddy were always fighting. Mommie said they had never fought like that before the little girl was born. The little girl's mommie said that daddy was bad, and that the little girl was just like him. The little girl didn't think daddy was bad, but mommie said so. The little girl knew better than to argue with mommie.....mommie always said she would run away and the little girl would be all alone.
Years passed the little girl went from sad to angry. She hated her mother and she hated herself. She knew she was not a nice person to hate her mother. She needed someone she was so alone. She shoplifted. Her mother knew and didn't care. She binged and purged. Her mother knew and didn't care. High school was a nightmare. It was the school her older sister went to four years earlier. The endless comparisons grew tedious. She cut school, cut classes, and was in constant danger of failing. Her mother still didn't care. A school counselor could see the pain she was in and knew why. She tried to tell the young woman that she needed to get away from her mother. She said she would help her. But the young woman was not ready to hear this. After she turned eighteen the young woman found out her mother had lied, and taken money that her daddy had sent to her. Enraged she left the house one night, and didn't come back for a long time.
Years went by, some good some bad. Now an adult, the young woman started a career in nursing. Her mother wasn't proud, and didn't care. But Nana was proud. She told everyone about her granddaughter
There came a time when the young woman fell into a dark dark place. She started doing many things she shouldn't and wound up in a lot of trouble. Eventually she found herself in jail. Her mother wouldn't help her, and didn't care. She just left her there. For eleven days she sat in jail. Thinking this was probably where she belonged. She tried to kill herself, but the prison guards wouldn't let her. Finally on the tenth day, Nana came to see her. She saw how horrible it was for the young woman and promised she would do something to get her out. That night alone in her cell. The young woman found herself repeating something from long time ago. 3My mother doesn't love me, but i don't really care, because my Nana loves me. The next day the young woman was bailed out of jail. Nana had made the young woman's mother do it. Which was a very brave act.
Years have passed. i am that young woman. My mother still doesn't care, doesn't love me, and i am still trying not to care. i still love my Nana. Although i am not any good at expressing it. It is hard to express love when you went so many years without it. i am still often times in that deep dark place. But, sometimes i can see light and hope. And without Nana, i would never have seen that light or hope....because my Nana loves me, and now I know she cares, and she is always there.
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