Mixed Jokes

What does ABCD... stand for?
America
Based
Confused
Desi
Escaped
From
Gujarat
Housed
In
Jersey
Keeping
Lotsa'
Motels
Named
Omkarnath
Patel
Quickly
Reached
Success
Through
Underhanded
Vicious
Ways
Xenophobic
Yet
Zealous

ALSO
American Born Canadian Desis
America Brought up Chootia Desis
Amriki Born Cute Desinis

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was
very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art,
hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees", he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!

Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him
"When will peace return to my country ?"
God answered
"You can never see peace in your country during your life time"
Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.
Nawaz Sharif approached God
"When can I see a united Pakistan (with Kashmir) ?"
God said
"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time"
Sharif wept bitterly and walked away.
Next our Laloo Prasad Yadav approached God
"When will Bihar become a civilized state ?"
God wept bitterly and said
"I can never see that happening even during MY life time"

Laloo Hamara Neta

What would change, if Laloo Prasad becomes India's Prime Minister

National Anthem : Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat hai...
National Attire : Dhoti & Kurta
National Drink : Fresh Buffalo Milk
National Animal : Buffalo, from Bihar
National Sport : Milking Buffalo (morning)
Buffalo Race (evening)
Corporate Language : Enlish-va
National Toy : A. K. 58
National Family Planning Policy : Hum Do, Humare Dozen
National Documentry Philm: Laloo Ban Gaya Gentleman
National Vehicle : Buffalo Cart
National Recreation : Pro-creation
Laloo's Slogan
"Jab Tak Rahega Samosa Me Aloo,
Tab Tak Rahega Hamara P.M. Laloo"

A Bihari travelling by a DTC bus is stopped by a TC (Ticket Collector). The TC seems satisfied but the Bihari shows the TC
another perfectly valid ticket for the same day.

"yeh kyon liya"? asks the TC
(why the additional ticket)

"pehla ticket gum gaya tau"?
(what if I lose the first one)

"aur agar dono gum gaye"? the TC asks
(what if you lose both tickets)

"tau hum Monthly Pass kyon banaye hain"
(that's why I have a monthly pass)
says the Bihari whipping out his Laminated Bus Pass

Nawaz Sherrif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Nawaz Sherrif: "Well Nawaz, I don't
know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Nawaz Sherrif
"Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".
He calls Advani over and says to him
"Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your
sister?"
"Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!"
"Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sherrif is very impressed.

He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite
member of cabinet and asks:
"Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? "

He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit further Nawaz ? May I let you know tomorrow? "
"Of course", says Nawaz Sherrif , "you've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but
no-one knows the answer.
Twenty hours later, the member of Nawaz's cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he
says:
"I'll ask Benazer, she's clever, she'll know the answer."
He calls Benazer.
"Benazir", he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not
your sister?"
"Very simple", says Benazir, "it's me!"
"Of course" says the Cabinet member and rings Nawaz Sherrif.
"Nawaz", says he, "I've got the answer: it's Benazer Bhutto".
"No, you idiot", says Nawaz Sherrif, "it's Advani".

Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes
between India and Pak.
In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a
Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the
Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a
fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'drather kiss that old hag than me."
The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."
And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with
slapping a Pakistani soldier."

Two Surds were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes
into the flight, the Captain announces, "One of the engines has failed
and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three
engines left."
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announces, "One more engine has
failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have
two engines left."
An hour later, the Captain announces, "One more engine has failed
and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry, we have one
engine left."
One Surdarji looked at the other and said, "If we lose one more
engine, we'll be up here all day!"

John gets a call from his Surd friend, Bill.
"I've got a problem," says Bill.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's just too hard. None of
the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's a picture of a big Rooster," replies Bill.
"All right," says John, " I'll come over and have a look."
He goes over to Bill's house. Bill leads John into his kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. John looks at the
jigsaw,
frowns, then turns to Bill and says, "For Pete's sake, Bill, put the
Cornflakes back in the Box!"

Two Surds were speeding down the highway at well over 90
mph.
"Hey," asked Bob, who was at the wheel, "any cops following us?"
Henry, his passenger, turned around and had a long look at the road
behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it," he responded.
"Are his flashers on?" asked Bob.
Henry turned around again...
"Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

One Surd was driving down an old country road when he spots
another Surd in a wheat field rowing a boat. He pulls over to the
side of the road and stops the car.
Staring in disbelief, he stands at the side of the road to watch the
woman for a while.
When he could not stand it any more, he called out to the Surd in
the field, "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle
of the field?"
The Surd in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an
ocean of wheat."
The Surd standing on the side of the road is furious. He yells at
the Surd in the field, "It is Antartians like you that give the rest of
us a bad name." The Antartian in the field just shrugged her shoulders
and began rowing again.
The Surd on the side of the road was beside himself and shook
his fist at Surd in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come
out there and drag you in!!!"

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he
squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the
elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the
elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making
all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on
the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the
ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"

One day the elephant and the ant went to play hide and seek in the
Jungle. It was the elephant's turn to seek and he searched high and
low until he came upon a temple in the middle of the Jungle. Q: Now,
how did the elephant know that the ant was inside the Temple? A:
Because the ant left his slippers outside.
2. The ant went to visit the elephant one day. After a nice meal, the
elephant suggested they watch TV. Q: Why did the ant decline? A:
Because he left his glasses at home.
3. One day the elephant and the ant went biking, when they crashed
into a big truck. The elephant died immediately. Q: Do you know why
the ant survived? A: Because he was wearing a helmet.

10 fun things to do at your local retail store.....
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join
in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially in thin, narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,
'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.

Today's headlines
Laloo to be made National Animal
Bihar sold to Pakistan; In an unrelated incident. Literacy soars up in BOTH
countries
India wins Cricket match against pak; 120 people die of shock
Ray of hope for India as Azhar made non playing captain
No bombings in Kashmir today
Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail
Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
Ramar Pillai produces Potassium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and
some Potassium Permanganate
Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
Kalyan Singh pulls Mayawati's leg in UP Assembly - Literally
Death penalty upheld for Suicide victim
India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
Committee formed to study the effectiveness of Commissions
Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commemorate 50 years of Independence
Karnataka to aim for 100% reservation by Year 2000
Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst

Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K
verification task.


Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report
that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now
implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.


I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a
global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And
what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you
think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction."

Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
Y2K Project Leader

Intelligent Politicians..................


Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by
a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting,
"This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are
five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am
taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the
luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped offthe plane.
Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very
important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest
politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country,
and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage
area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left,
and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live
any more. You take the last parachute and jump." The school boy said,
"Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us!
The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"

Lesson number ONE
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The
crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat
on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


Lesson number two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of
the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Ahhhh, nincompoops, gotta love 'em!


"The Idiot Test"

Scoring guide:

20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

"The Idiot Test Questions"

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does an average person have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is
the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's
brother. How come?

5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in
Canada?

6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his
widow's sister? Why?

8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each
man wins the same number of games. There
are no ties. Explain this.

9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All
sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks
by; what color is the bear? Why?

11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how
many do you have?

12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is
not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. If you have only one match and you walked into
a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene
lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would
you light first?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take
one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How
many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take
on the ark?

18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What
does he weigh?

19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

20. What was the President's name in 1950?



"The Idiot Test Answers"

1. Yes, they just don't have it as a national holiday.
2. One, the day s/he is born.
3. All of them (12 months.)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead. Pay attention!
6. 6 outs, 3 outs per team.
7. No. A woman can't be a 'widow' if her husband isn't
dead. If he's dead, he can't marry!
8. They aren't playing each other!
9. 70. Did get it? Do the math again. You'll get it.
10. White. In order to have all Southern exposure walls,
the house must be at the North Pole, so it is a polar bear.
11. 2 apples. YOU took the two away, remember?
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The 'other' one is a nickel.)
13. The match, of course.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour; 1 pill now, 1 pill 30 min from now, and 1 pill one
hour from now.
16. 9, as in "all but 9..." Were you paying attention?
17. None - Noah took them on the ark, not Moses. Missed
your Bible studies?
18. Meat. The butcher weighs meat. Gotcha.
19. 12, of course. There are 12 of *anything* in a dozen.
20. Same as it is now: Bill Clinton.

A blonde goes out to her mail box, looks in, closes
the door and goes back into her house.
A few minutes later she comes out, goes to her mailbox, looks in,
closes the door and goes back into her house.
She repeats this process several times before aneighbor who has been
witnessing this series of events says to her; "Youmust be expecting a
very important letter or package today."
The blonde answers; "No, I'm working on my computer
and it keeps telling me that I have mail.

INTERVIEW

Santa and Banta are two friends and Santa singh has very good job. Banta
singh is jobless and one day asks Santa for some good Job. Santa singh
says , OK next time we will apply together and they do. On interviw day,
santa singh says , first i will go inside and answer all questions except
last one, and after coming out, i would give u all the answers and
questions. So u go and then answer there. U will get the Job. So,Santagoes
in.
EMPLOYER When we got independence?
SANTA Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER Good. Who is our PM?
SANTA It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER OK. What's India's population? SANTA (He was not to reply last
one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when i know, i
will tell u Sir.
Now he comes out and tell questions and answers to Banta Singh. Banta
singh was real SARDAR and he remembers all answers and forgot questions.
He goes in Now.EMPLOYER When were u born?
BANTA Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER What???? Who is your father?
BANTA It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER Employer is upset now. Are u Mad Mr. Banta? BANTA Good
Question,Research is going on, and when i know, i will tell u Sir.

Sardarji's clock

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a
Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the
Tower.Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get
a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared.
Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he wastaken ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same streetand the
same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees
and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I
am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

Sardarji's 4th child

Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."The officer mumbles,
"How come you write Chinese when both parents are Sikh?"Sardarji utters,
"Aah, I read a newspaper, it says that every
4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.

"Lost in a bet: cricekt::

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh wasvery depressed.
"What happened ?" asked Surjit."Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . "
"How come ?""Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India
and England was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500
that India would win, but I lost the bet."
" But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?"
" Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!"