[1]
There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning
at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the
roads.
When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he
answered that it was elephant powder.
The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are
no elephants in France!" to which he answered "I guess
it must be working then!"
==
[2]
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was
going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil,
when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the
Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering
towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him
instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think
you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another
player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I
was just trying to trip him up."
==
[3]
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't
know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an
elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a
contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant
to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to
jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's
carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the
bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to
say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the
prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant
swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same
deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try
and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out
his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember
me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this
again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
==
[4]
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere.
Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of
a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was
watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on.
As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that
elephants don't laugh.
He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant.
It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that
the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the
man bought the elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign
reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win
$5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh,
and soon the jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I
hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh
$5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter
could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar
raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the
elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But,
a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made
the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar
owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar
reading:
"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get
the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the
elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the
sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the
elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went
back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All
the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge
tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the
bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner
asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back
there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just
proved it."
==
[5]
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk
onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy
restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his
pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly
disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and
exclaimed, "What was that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then
finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just
saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied,
"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take
another hard roll!"
==
[6]
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn
in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So
the elephant says, "Help me, help me."
But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant
have his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant,
"Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up
gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.
Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed
the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell
out of the tree on top of the elephant.
Says the elephant: "Ouch!"
Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH,
SUFFER!!!"
- similar
joke below -
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a
horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she
could do about it. It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "My, pleasure
ma'am." said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if
there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to
ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would
feel to fuck an elephant." "Be my guest!", said
the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In
the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very
excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it
fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting
you, dear?"
==
[7]
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along,
when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below.
When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his
sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all
their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a
wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the
frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was
still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she
told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do,
but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily,
the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to
the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time
of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to
discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all
their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a
pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just
downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So
once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant
was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he
noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed
witch about this, and she told him that there were some things
that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix
things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't
know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad",
said the good witch.
==
[8]
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if
they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for
2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and
the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week
after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the
idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull
the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to
pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for
another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring
equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles
away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the
first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit,
the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1
mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the
scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of
laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the
scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the
cork back in!!!"
==
[9]
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to
die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears
the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees
the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant:
"Dont worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then
calls on the King of the Jungle.
The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He
throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it
around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the
pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him
that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should
ever be in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking
thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders
over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit.
(ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will
save you". So the elephant throws his tail into the pit.
However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it.
Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas
this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant
throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants
enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a
red Porsche to pull a chick."
==
[10]
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they
set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up
opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees
its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long
thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's
trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats
nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy,
not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same
question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in
desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman
..."
==
[11]
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language
and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal
Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
==
[12]
Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
==
[13]
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge
block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look
like an elephant.
==
[14]
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
==
[15]
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the
ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the
ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life
digging a grave!"
==
[16]
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the
elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the
elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000
pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the
elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the
elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George,
dig her out.
==
[17]
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
==
[18]
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to
make piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
==
[19]
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).
Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small
monkey and roared at him:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
"You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer:
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his
voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE
JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up,
slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the
tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him
violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and
says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so pissed."
==
[20]
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor,
my husband thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into
a trunk and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist
asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant
bled to death."
==
[21]
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
(Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)
==
[22]
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
==
[23]
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
==
[24]
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
==
[25]
Deep Thoughts
By Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in
the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's
a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating
everything they see.
==
[26]
Telephone Joke:
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like
animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water.
Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over
to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's
bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
==
[27]
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the
elephants.
-- Zisla
==
[28]
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General Sedgwick's last words
==
[29]
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants.
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!
==
[30]
In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had
a bitter rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was
their arbitrator) set each of them a test. To the elephant he
posed the problem of catching or snookering the snake; the snake,
on the other hand, had to surprise and astound the elephant.
Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink
of an eye slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled
and wriggled up the trunk, into the esophegus, down into the
stomach, through the intestines, and a minute later popped out of
the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'
The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again;
this was truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it
wasn't a fluke.
So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more
up the trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's
digestive tract.
When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the
elephant's rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and
said 'Snookered!'
==
[31]
As any physicist, engineer, mathematician etc.. will tell you, an
Elephant crossed with a Rhinocerous gives |Elephant||Rhinocerous|
Sin(theta)!
==
[32]
ELETELEPHONY
once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
==
[33]
The Elephant, or so it seems,
Very rarely has wet dreams,
ut when he does, He comes in streams,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
==
[34]
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"
==
[35]
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is
close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white
elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White
elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for
five days in a row.
After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily
muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring
with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When
the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it
will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
==
[36]
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the
best book on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant
and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant
-- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary
Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's
Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money"
magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the
80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're
better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The
superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have
no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
==
[37]
Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set out
to conquer the known world. After a series of successful
campaigns, the remaining kings realized that their lone efforts
would never prevail. They had to band together under the
leadership of the best general they had -
"George-the-Turk".
George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King John's
army and would place him on a rack - in a public display - so
that no one would ever again try to conquer the world.
While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting out
bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design and build
the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was then fitted with
wheels and required 40 horses to pull it. When all was ready,
George the Turk set out to do battle.
Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils of
his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the Turk's
army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack quickly
before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But, alas, the 40
horse team pulling the large rack could not keep up with the
troops. George the Turk ordered more horses to be teamed, but,
still they lagged. George the Turk remembered that Hannibul was
not too far away in the mountains with a herd of elephants.
Elephants would be better than horses for pulling the rack. So,
George the Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent
enough elephants for the job. Hannibul agreed and also sent along
his best elephant handler.
This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his
unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that he be
given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay
raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay raise.
The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant
engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army.
Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river.
George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of
escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his command.
He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the highest hill
overlooking bad King John's camp. This site was the perfect spot
to publically display bad King John - to show the world what
happens to anyone who dares to try to conquer the world.
With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the hill
beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to attack:
when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!!
All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is waiting for
the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes the helmet of
George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly and holds it over his
head. The sunlight gleams off the blade --- and scares the
elephants that are hitched to the rack. They start trumpeting and
rearing and the elephant engineer can't control then. He drops
the reins and clings onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks
loose from the team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight
for the enemy camp.
All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go
outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a hard
look, comes back into the tent, and reports:
"As near as I can tell -- It's a rambling rack from George
the Turk with an elephant engineer" !!!
==
[38]
Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
==