Title: Out of Reach

author: Sachie [email protected]

Catergory: Drama, romance

Warnings: none

 

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I think its the nature of rich spoiled brats like me to want what we

can never have.  Everything else is just too easy to get, and having

possessed it, the object looses its desirability.  But the

unattainable can never lose its luster.  I will always long for it

while it remains just out of reach.

 

I didn't really think too much of it back then, when Heero Yuy fell

from the sky and into my life.  I only knew how I felt, I didn't stop

to analyze the why.  Only now, when its all over, I spend my spare

moments thinking about him, and what he meant, what he continues to

mean, to me.

 

Is he a knight in shining armor?  A fairly tale Prince Charming?  That

would make me the heroine, the lonely princess in the tower.  I don't

want that.  I am tired of it.  All my life I have been forced to be

the perfect girl, the person everyone admires and looks up to, but no

one really loves.  I'm the one chosed to be class representative, and

to say the right things that the adults want to hear.  I'm the one

they invite to all the important diplomatic talks and conferences.

They sit back and pretend to listen to me, pat me on the head for

spouting such pretty words, then go back to killing each other.

 

Did I love Heero because he never pretended to listen?  Did I love him

because he never pretended to care?

 

So what happens when he turns around and looks at me with eyes full of

naked adoration?  When he gets down on his hands and knees, calls me

the only thing of true worth and beauty that ever walked into his

life, and vows to spend the rest of his life protecting me?  Would you

like to know?

 

I have an imaginary album of "Heero moments" tucked away inside my

head.  Every day, I take it out and puruse through its pages and live

through each tiny little moment.  I remember every fleeting emotion

that was reflected in his beautiful eyes. I remember every word he

ever spoke to me, and the exact inflection of his voice.

 

But I don't remember that day at all.  I can't even recall what he was

wearing, or where it was that he found me.  I know the words he spoke,

because I wrote them in my diary.  But in my memory, they are dry and

emotionless, letters drawn on wide-lined paper in blue-black ink.

 

Relena, I love you.

 

And I could see it in his eyes that it was going to be the same.  He

was looking at me in the same way that all those others do.

Expectant, worshipful, utterly false.

 

So what could I do?  What could I do but smile and thank him for his

devotion, but respectfully decline his advances?  You would never be

happy as part of my world, and I could never fit into yours.  You will

always be in my heart.  Pretty words, false words to go with the false

pretty smile.

 

And so he went back to his war, and I went back to mine.

 

I haven't seen him since the war ended.  No more "Heero moments" for

me.  I don't know if he's dead or alive, and it doesn't even matter

anymore.  I imagine him out there somewhere, living his life as he

wants, unfettered by my influence.  And it makes me glad.

 

Because he's still out of reach, and I still love him.

 

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