Title: The Morning After
warnings: yaoi-ish, shonen-ai
pairing: you decide

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He's touching me again.  

I'm standing in the kitchen rinsing out last night's dirty dishes when he walks 
in and puts his arms around me.  I freeze, not knowing how to respond.

"I love you," he murmurs, his head resting against my shoulder.

I don't reply.  He must expect me to say that I love him too.  Do I love him?  I 
don't know.  Water continues to swirl down the drain, forgotten for the moment.

"Let me help."  He disentagles himself from me and picks up a dish towel.  Am I 
relieved that his body is no longer pressed against mine?  The room feels colder 
without him at my back.

We wash the dishes in relative silence, and I know that he is watching me, 
trying to read me.  He wonders what I am thinking.  About us.  About last night.

I keep my face impassive and don't give any hints.  I occupy my mind with what 
needs to be done:  reconaissance and preparation for the mission, securing 
supplies, etc.  As long as I am thinking of those things, I won't have to think 
about him.  About how he makes me feel.  The warm of his body and the touch of 
his lips.

We finish washing up and I am about to walk past him out of the kitchen, but he 
places his hand on my chest and I stop.  He looks me straight in the eye, 
forcing me to meet his gaze.  There's hurt there, I can see it.  And I feel as 
if I've been punched in the stomach.

"What's wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong."  But its a lie.  Everything is wrong.  There's never 
been anything in my life that wasn't wrong.  Except perhaps...

He's not satisfied with the lie.  Why won't he leave me alone?  Why can't he be 
like the others, taking what they want, and then going away?  Those kinds of 
interactions I can understand.  I don't understand what he wants from me.  I'm 
afraid to even speculate.

I'm walking a dangerous tighrope, and my balance is crumbling.  Will he catch me 
if I fall?

"Do you regret what happened last night?"

Do I?

"I can't read your mind, damn it!  Tell me what's going on!  What is it that you 
want?"

Why does he keep asking me the questions that I don't know how to answer?

"Tell me."  His hand brushes my cheek, and I want to lean into his touch.  But 
its already gone.

And I realize I want him to touch me again.  I want to feel him inside of me.  I 
want him to hold me and whisper my name.    
Nebulous and unformed feelings that seemed too fragile to withstand even casual 
scrutiny, now crystallize into one simple thought.

I want to be with him.  Not just for now, but for always.

This desire is so strong, it nearly takes my breath away.  I've never wanted 
anything like this.

I want to tell him how I feel, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done.  Part 
of me tells me I have no right to feel this way.  No right to ask for anything 
so good for myself.  But he is standing there, waiting for me to speak.  His 
eyes are telling me to trust him.    

Halting words tremble as they fall from my lips.  I am falling too.

He is there to catch me.

--------------the end-----------------