Tonight I'll live again. Maybe in my dreams.
Every moment that passes me by I see just how meaningless this all is.
I'm just the toy of someone bigger. I'm like a lifeless doll, with a soul. I can see but I am blind.
I miss the ocean. I miss the night. I miss the moon. I miss love. I miss many things. I haven't seen them in a while.
Tonight I'll go out into the garden and stare up at the sky, coconut trees and tall buildings blocking my view. I'll see a star fade away into the dark. I'll see the moon. I'll see myself reflected in the darkness. I'll wonder what I'm missing. Then I'll wonder what I'm meant to miss.
And then I'll wonder what I mean.
I'm a mindless monkey sitting on the edge and I'm about to fall off with no one to catch me I'm the last of my kind why won't you people care I'm sitting on the edge and I'm about to fall off but no one will be there to catch me. Perhaps I'll die or perhaps--
I'm losing my mind. I want to get into any type of addictive substance. Whatever. Drugs or alcohol or books. (Books are addictive.) Something...for...whatever.
Escape from the direction-less-ness of life. From the uselessness. From the feelings.
Endless nights. Endless lectures. Endless scoldings. Endless bad luck. Endless pain.
Hindi mo maintindihan kung ba't ikaw ang napapagtripan ng halik ng kamalasan.
Kaibigan, wag kang magpapasindak. Kaibigan, easy lang sa iyak.
I may not be suffering as much as the people being tortured, as the people on the streets. But my own inner chaos is...a mess. Is just a useless, complex, pointless mess. My point? I have no points. There are no straight lines in my mind. There are no points. Two points make one line. When did 2 ever equal 1? 2=1 is debatable.
Push the pedal to the metal and let's go for a ride through the contryside Come with me Fly with me Take a break and we'll drive to the next planet Come with me Fly with me We'll drive into the sun and rest with an icy drink Come with me let's take a joy ride Fly with me to rest on a white cloud Let's fly and when we come back we can--
Six more hours before I start getting ready for school. It's 11.
I'll dream of you tonight and it'll be the best dream In the morning I'll be awake All the dreams will fade away I'll dream of you tonight and it'll be the best dream In the morning I'll be gone.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003, 10:05pm
So...I've figured out who I actually like...and it's unexpected. Really weird. And he knows...I dunno what he thinks though, and...that's ok..'cos after this it'll all just go away...I'm going to be a recluse with no real contact with anybody...
Imagine that. Alone in a room full of people.
So..maybe that was a bad decision, but I don't know. It felt ok. It felt like a relief.
And I realized how stupid how was. And am. Thinking about so many different people when all I had to do was look in front of me.
God, that must sound so pathetic and dumb.
I'm not depressed. I just think that...I don't know. I think that I don't have anything to live for. I feel so mediocre. So...even. So average. Feel like I'm goin round in circles but enjoying it. Or sometimes not...but mostly enjoying it.
I haven't learned, I'm not learning...the last time I learned something of real importance, something really meaningul to me was a long, long time ago, that I've forgotten it na.
And that has nothing to do with my bad memory.
SWEETS!
God..I haven't studied yet. And I have two tests tomorrow. Social Studies and Science.
I will not sleep tonight.
I want another life.
