Now that I reflect, las night sucked. I mean, I sort of had fun when I was tipsy because I couldn't care less.
But BEFORE I drank...well...some stuff just happened and I cared about it. A lot.
And I REMEMBER it. I don't like that. I shouldn't care. And I don't even have the right to feel bad about it. But I do.
For some reason, when I think I'm really over him, something happens and I realize I'm not. And that just sucks, 'cos why can't it just go away?
This guy is no one special. At least, I don't think so. But he matters a lot to me. Except he doesn't know it.
Ohmygod...Julienne...I'm so sorry. Look, I'm sure that's not true!! Hayy...
No one knows just how much I'm hoping that ...........nevermind.
Nothing seems to be going right...
Well...good stuff are happening. It's just that it's all the wrong people.
This is so confusing.
Last night was the best, but at the same time it was the worst.
I really need to tell someone something. Someone..i need someone to tell everything to. In person. Or whatever. I just need to spill everything out.
I know that everything would seem so mababaw. I know that I'd just look pathetic. But I just need someone to listen.
I'd've done this a long time ago..it's just that no one would listen. I couldn't tell anyone...because everyone had problems of their own, and I'd listen. And I couldn't say anything, because it was their time. Because they had problems.
Now I'm the one with the problems and no one's there. Everyone's still caught up in their own problems or happiness.
But whatever.
I just want to be able to forget everything. Everyone. I want to start over everything.
I'm waiting, and it's useless. I want to say so many things, but I'm just afraid of getting hurt. But then at the same time I know I'm going to regret not doing stuff. I just don't want to get into anything deep. I don't want to allow another person to hurt me, but it's not working. I care too much.
Sunday, October 12, 2003, 2:20pm
Hahaha.
Whatever a hangover is, I don't have it. Thank god.
I feel so guilty now. Because I enjoyed being tipsy last night. Because I wasn't forced to drink. The drinks were just there. Maybe I drank because I wanted to get tipsy. Drunk. Whatever. Maybe I drank to get away from some things...maybe.
Being tipsy felt really good. Not the headache part. The spinning room was making me dizzy, but then it was okay. I felt...like I didn't have to care.
And that felt good, because...caring really sucks. The only reason why people get hurt is because people care, and the person they care about does something bad, insensitive, or...something. Whatever.
I just watched How To Deal. I was sleepy last night so I didn't get to watch it.
It was a HORRIBLE movie.
No, not really. It was a really good movie, but it just reminded me of some stuff...hahaha. I cried in the movie. Gosh, how mushy can I be??
This really sucks. Hahaha. Sobering up is really really sucky. It's like....weird. It's being pulled back into reality. And that sucks, because the reality isn't all that nice and sweet. In reality, you have to care to get somewhere. About yourself and about other people.
