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Tuesday, September 30, 2003, 7:22pm

My gosh.

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The last entry was in the guestbook, just check it out there. September 29, I think.

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As I said in the last entry, my bedtime has been moved to 9pm. And my parents don't sleep early, so I can't sneak down when they've fallen asleep.

This is hell. Do you know I even composed a poem out of boredom??? Here..it's complete and utter nonsense:

Smile when you're happy, dance when you want.

Slap yourself silly, take a walk or go taunt.

Time has an ending, and so does your life.

I'm talking nonsense, like a useless blunt knife.

I'm going crazy with my 9pm bedtime

So penny for your thoughts though I don't have a dime.

These rhymes are stupid they make my head swirl.

It's too early to sleep, I think I may hurl.

It's really too early, it's no time for bed.

I've got messy thoughts still running in my head.

So goodnight, goodnight, next time again.

I'll go to sleep next time, I'm hoping, at 10.

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I was absent from school today. I felt really sick in the morning. I slept most of the day. Then I caught the last few minutes of the third quarter and the whole of fourth quarter of the Ateneo-La Salle game.

Ateneo won. WOOHOOO!!

I'm pro-Ateneo, isn't it obvious?

Hmm....Pao! I think I saw you guys.

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Advanced happy birthday to:

Ralf Navales

Paolo Puno

Martin Mercado

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Write me a testimonial!!!!!

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Friendster is really fun. Although nothing actually happens. Hahahha.

I can't believe my older brother is there. The 24 year old who doesn't even go out. It's...weird. It's unlike him.

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I'm really confused.

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I feel so empty!!!!

Goshdarnit.

I want to die.

I should've killed myself last night, when I was blissful. Or whatever.

DUUUDE...I am going nowhere. NOTHING is happening to me. Well, make that, a lot of stuff are happening to me but I'm not learning anything from them.

I've got this weird desire to learn. Not just academic stuff...I just want to learn. Even if it's useless trivia.

I am going to die early while heading nowhere.

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Oh, look! The fishies. The fishies are there. And they're...floating around...oh, they're hamsters now.

Dreamers live. In their dreams. In mine.

The most exciting stuff happen in my dreams. It's the life I don't have, never had, never will have.

Uhm. That was weird.

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I ...

realize that all this time I've been talking and running my mouth off about the same fucking things all this time and no one has told me so then obviously the same damn things have been happening or maybe nothing's happening and I've just been prolonging in my mind whatever's happened in the past because of the lack of activity that is happening in the present in my life.

Whew.

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You're on the phone and no one's there. Another time, you're left alone.

Stupid lyrics. I get all messed up.

It's "Nail in my hand from my creator you gave me life now show me how to live."

Gosh, I feel so stupid.

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Hahahah this really is lonely.

I'm going crazy.

I've got no gimmicks

My grades are low

I've got no one

I've got no money

I've got no purpose

I might as well have no life.

Actually, I don't.

SMILE COS TONIGHT I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU AWAY INTO YOUR NIGHTMARES AND THERE'S NO ESCAPE.

get in through the backdoor and go out through the front, there's no use to this life, just cos I don't.

???

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Pleaaaase I just want this damn life to hurry up. I want to be hustled and bustled or whatever and I want to have a job no matter how hard it is, I just want to be busied and distracted from my...uhm...loser-ness.

I'm even losing my touch at writing.

HELLO???

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I've got no substance! This is crazy. I am crazy. Crazy is good? Is it? I am good.

Hahaha there's just this empty feeling inside me that nothing can fill. It's just there. Like a big gaping hole that won't close up, not even in my sleep.

I want to quit school. I want to be dumb, lose my job, be a loser, live in a dump.

No, actually, I don't really want that. I just...want to quit.

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I'm at a loss for words. What's wrong with me?

It's the same question I've asked myself a billion times over, and yet I still haven't answered it.

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You really want to know? I want to tell you but you might not listen. I want to say it out loud, but I'm still scared.

It's ...actually, it's just you....it's nothing. I mean, I'll get over you after a while. I'll get tired of keeping it to myself. It'll just fade away.

I thought I had gotten over you already. But I saw you again..and it just all came back.

I want to hit myself over the head for being so stupid. For even thinking there was any hope.

You haven't changed. It's just me, and the way I think about you. All these things are running in my mind, and they're not really happening. I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown.

I'm never going to tell you, then.

I still want to, though.

You're always busy.

You're always there but you're not..

You're never going to listen...

And I'm just going to be here, scared of what'll happen.

I'm just afraid that you'll reject me.

I guess that I'm not as numb as I want to be, or I'm not as numb as I thought.

I just wanted to tell you...

I never got the chance..and..

I'll never get the chance to tell you...

to tell you how much I really...

nevermind...

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It just hurts. Damn.