Untitled Document

Saturday, September 13, 2003, 6:49pm

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again. 'Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It was not healed with time.

***

Played a good game of flag football today. We won a game, and lost another. The team sponsored by umbro won, 19-18. Something along those lines.

Then we won against Rodger's Team (Basically the girls from the other teams put together) because there were only five of then a while ago.

***

I'm starting to like plain peanut butter. Usually, I hate it, but there's nothing to eat when I'm hungry, and the easiest thing to make is a sandwich.

***

Gaaaahh! I've been feeling so empty lately. Like, I'm completely devoid of emotions. Except maybe frustration and pain. At other times, I don't feel anything.

***

Uhm, wow, Issa, thanks for caring.

Seriously. Means a lot to me, subconsciously. If ever I decide to kill myself, I'll call you first.

But you know what I mean? Care from people who don't seem to care is what I need.

We-e-e-ll, not really. Hahaha. More like care and interest from people I like...

Gosh, I'm so damn shallow.

Gotta brush up on that part. I need to be contemplative, close to nature, and content.

Wahahah!!

***

I feel so guilty. My mum came home from Europe yesterday. She brought back a lot of stuff.

Particularly, two boxing boots. For me.

She told me over the phone that it was really nice,. and all the rage in Europe.

I don't care about it being the trend, but since my mum said it was really nice and I bought it.

I never learn. I shouldn't've trusted my mum's taste. Hers differs from mine, but still. She really was saying it was nice, but...when I put it on...it's like...yuck. I'm never gonna wear this, except maybe under my pants.

I'd pick my rollerblades anyday.

But then they actually look good, when you're not wearing them.

***

Ateneo won , 98-89. Against La Salle.

Sweet.

We pray you keep us Mary faithful to you.

Hahaha I'm so makapal, I'm not even an Atenean. Yet.

Well, I'm not an Atenean at all. But I want to be. Hahaha.

***

You want the truth? Yes, she was my crush. Still is, I believe.

He wasn't lying, and...I don't know.

Is that a bad thing? Would it make people think less of me? Honestly, even before I became like this, I didn't look down on the queer.

I thought, if they liked it that way, why not? More options to choose from then.

Well, now I'm in their place and honestly, it's a bit liberating.

***

I can't believe I said that.

***

This is just a phase, this is just a phase. I'm not gay. Seriously, actually. Hahaha. I'm not, ask anyone. I'm..in the middle.

I don't want to say it. Heheheh

***

GARDUSHDUSH!!!!!!

GARDUSHDUSH!!!

GARDUSHDUSH!!!!!!

***

I've been thinking of a word, and it's been on the tip of my tongue for the longest time.

You use it, for example, in...this sentence: "The.....has worn off".

The magic? The...resplendence? The patent-ness? The newness? Agh, I can't seem to get the word!!!

***

I'm skewed and awry.

***

Gahh!!! Hahaha everybody is going to kill me.

***

Issa, ohmygosh, that's so f*cking dangerous. Don't DO that, alright? I care about you too, yknow?? What would happen if you actually continued to slice away with your ID?

I'd lose a best friend, and you're a big thing to lose.

Issa, whatever it is, just because you don't know about it, doesn't mean it's not there.

Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it's not there either.

It's like an email someone sent me, "Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all their heart." (Or maybe it was all they have. Something like that.)

***

I slashed myself with a scissors before, though. It was light and quick, and I didn't think it would be that sharp.

It hurt for a while. I only slashed my fingers anyway. And it was calming. I cut myself thrice that time. Twice on my forefinger and once on my thumb. I cut my thumb last, and started to suck on it. Well, at first to take out the blood, but eventually to just...taste blood. Hahah it was sort of fun but when I stopped it took longer to heal.

Nothing big. After the first cut, I realized I was too scared to slash my wrist. Partly because I didn't know the pain, and partly because I was just scared. Made me realize, actually, that I still wanted to live. Must've been something unconsciously, because...I didn't really understand it. I just knew that I wanted to live, and experience more stuff.

Maybe it was just this deep hidden hope that things would get better.

***

Owch. My heart hurts. I mean...hahah damn that sounds so corny.

It sounds so cliche. But anyway...

It does, and...for what reason, I'm not sure.

It's just that I really want to tell somebody something, but I can't bring myself to. It's nothing bad, I don't hate anybody.

I want to say I love you either, because I don't.

I just want to know how he'd feel, how he'd react, and if anything would happen. Of course I want something to happen, I just don't know what. It's hell stuck at this stage.