Untitled Document

Monday, September 1, 2003, 9:57pm

I'm thinking of changing my layout. Well..once I get a new idea, I'll change it.

***

This sucks. That stupid crush keeps coming back. I ignore it, yeah, but well...comes back anyway. Stupid stupid me, thinking it'd be this easy to just let go. Maybe I have let go. I just haven't forgotten, and it's this that...just makes everything resurface.

***

I'm lonely in a crowded room

silently reaching out to whoever cares to listen

only no one does,

and no matter how many people swarm around me

no matter how many greet me or notice me

I'm still alone inside.

A glance across the room, to a familiar face

yet my existence is not acknowledged

but in being alone

I find solace and peace, and a sense of belonging

to my death.

HUH?!?!

***

I will begin making a new book. Uhm..a novel, a story, whatever. It will not be short. I will make a book. Hm.

Sabs in Wanderland

Hahah! How stupid. How about, Shmiley. or Shtrange. Or Chupacabra. Or hominkajflahdhijuftag. Babaliwaghagasatupok.

Something meaningless.

***

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room? Agh, I hate this feeling. it's like, I want to reach out to everybody, but I feel as if no one cares. It's like, I'm there, but I'm not...acknowledged.

Sweet.

In a strange way, it gives me time to think. But I don't like thinking too much because I end up thinking about things I don't want to think about.

I feel...ignored. Well, ok not ignored. But..just insignificant. It's like, I'm not even making a dent in someone else's life. I may be to select few, but I don't know it, and it makes me unhappy. Not needed. Y'know?

Specially by some people. I mena, people I want to be noticed by. It just hits me, hard. And...I really end up thinking if I'm worth anything. If my existence has changed anything big. If I wasn't here, would some tragedy have happened.

***

I'm special to no one. My parents, maybe. My family, perhaps. My friends, maybe not. If I was never born, my friends would..most probably still be friends. No special someone either. Hahaha. I'm starting to see why people start liking other people when they're my age. Because there's a small need to be loved, not just loved in a familial manner, or friendly love. Something else, something new, something magical, not understandable but so alluring. Something everyone wants to experience at least once in their lives. (Oh gosh, how CHEESY was that???)

***

A bitter feeling comes upon me so strong I can taste it on my tongue. A regret for something not done by me. A longing for being undone, unalive. Un...something.

***

Chop! Of goes his head rolling down the narrow stony lane. *Tog* *Tug* *Tag* and a few more bumps until the hole. *Plock* Down it drops, floating in the sewers with its eyes still wide open in rigor mortis, and the hair matted to a cold white forehead. *Clickety-clack* A few rats almost drowning climb onto it and start nibbling at the nose. A red oooze not unlike blood creeps out and not a drop is lost to the waters. Aboveground, the body lies torn apart without a head, and the guts still sticking out of the stomach. Or is it the neck? You can't really tell in the mangles bloody mess. Welcome to the macabre world of my mind.

***

Agh. I don't feel that way. No, I'm not that gross. I just feel so left out of something. Like...there's something missing. I can't say I want someone. Because I myself am, not ready to be part of a relationship. It's stupid, a hassle. The thing is, will the kilig still be there? Will the crush still be there? Or will the wonder and the glow just fade away? Like a great big sweet cake, that somewhere in the middle, you'd get sick of it but force yourself to the end. Is it worth it? Hope so...

I don't want to fall blindly and hurt myself so badly. I'm afraid to take the risk because I'm so unsure of myself. But if only something happened, maybe I'd go back on what I just said. I have a hunch that when it comes, I'll cower in fear of what will happen after, when it's over.

***

Sweet. Bitter. Stinging. Wanted.