November 16, 2003 - 7:03 p.m. November 7, 2003 - 12:33 a.m. New! I am trying out a blog site and seeing if it is easier to do my daily journal on there, and keeping this site for photos and other wonderful bits and pieces of my life. So far, I've just done a short review of 2003 and how it affected me. (hey, that rhymes!) Anyhow, check it out, if you like! November 6, 2003 - 8:58 p.m November 5, 2003 - 9:30 p.m. November 4, 2003 - 11:00 p.m. November 3, 2003 – 5:06 p.m. November 2, 2003 – 6:20 p.m. I
am going to try something new and put multiple journal entries on one
page. I have a load of files in this
account, and making a new page for each day is getting out of hand. I
now know why I am always broke – taxi cabs.
Slowly, but surely they pull at my meager income. Damn this mountain. It’s
raining here in Northern Ireland, but then again, it’s always raining here in
Northern Ireland. I
am a bit emotional right now…To put things in fair context, I am a bit sickly
and randomly fell over twice today.
Once was a bit nasty, as I fell on rocks while getting into the van, and
then I nearly fell completely forward while getting out of the van, but luckily
Peter was there. We just went to the
grocery store where I bought some cough medicine. Also, a quick glance at the calendar suggests that PMS may be
playing a small part, but still, I do feel quite emotional. For
example, Peter and Suzanne (my housemates) were in the living room watching a
movie. Out of respect, I did not come
in here to use the computer while the movie was on. I waited a full two and a half hours for the stupid movie to end
and came into the living room only to find Suzanne already on the computer. I feel like a savage scrambling to get to
everything before someone else does. I
hate living like this, I really do.
Anyhow, when I saw this, I calmly asked if she could please let me know
when she was finished with the computer, but then, when I got to my bedroom, I
was about to cry. I think I did even
shed a tear. Ugh, I even hate typing
this stuff, as it makes me feel petty.
But then again, I did say I was emotional…
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Never in my life, I think, has complete and utter fatigue and exhaustion felt so good. Mmmmm….. His name is Ronan. Ronan John-Paul Campbell. I feel a bit silly typing this here, now. It is just a sort of elation that when tried to be expressed in words comes off as….cheesy, foolish…..oh, but it is, and that’s the great thing about it. He told me the ‘story’ of our first date in fairy tale format. Aww, so sweet. It seems absolutely daft now to have settled for less for so long before. He says he’ll show me, he says I’ll learn. Learn not to worry what his motives are, if he really means what he says, if he really is as wonderful as he seems. Lead the way, darling, I’m ready.
I have been reading some other blogs and I hate to say, but they all seem like angry people. I mean, I know I winge and moan a lot on my site, but I don't think I ever come across as hateful, do I? When I do complain, it's not hateful towards other people, is it? It's usually about mundane things or my clumsiness or PMS or something. I don't know. I really hope that I am not as bitter as some of the folks whose words I've been reading this evening. I want my site to be a happy site! ;-) Sure, I'll have a rant now and again, but honestly, I don't want to be seen as a downer who can't stand the outside world so much that she lives on the computer. I also don't want to seem like someone who looks down their nose at everyone else or a whiny teenager who believes that 'they just don't get it!' I guess that is the theme I've found in the blogs which I perused and I don't want to be perceived that way.
Oh, today is Danielle's birthday. I have no idea how to get hold of her these days. I've resorted to writing her Mom a letter at work (as it is the only address I know for her) to track her down. I haven't gotten around to mailing it yet. One step at a time (with a super large gap in between!;-)
Hope all is well with everyone! Lots of love, Sabrina :-)
5:49 p.m. - Dreamt about Taco Bell again last night. Previously, I had recurring dreams about high school, now Taco Bell! Am I just going to keep going through the phases of my life in dream land? I was making a steak burrito supreme and I vaguely remembered the ingredients. One of the teenagers from the family center was working there as well. She said something about the wrapper I was using, and I said, “I know it’s in the wrong wrapper, it’s not that big of a deal.”
I missed work today due to sickness. Yeah, I still had cramps, but it was more the not being able to stand up for extended periods of time and nausea that got me today. I wanted to take a shower, but I just couldn’t stand up that long. After many, many more hours of sleep, I was then able to stand up long enough to complete the shower task. As I looked at my grubby, dirty self in the mirror, I realized how much I tend to let myself go while I’m sick. I hadn’t even brushed my hair and it was after 4:00 p.m. It’s time like that when I begin to wonder; ‘am I the only grubby person in the world?’ ‘Am I the only one who doesn’t brush their teeth or hair until 4:00 p.m. when they’re sick? Or change out of their pajamas?’
I am really annoyed with my housemates. One or more of them were smoking in the kitchen. I saw Peter with a cigarette and said, “Could you please not smoke in common rooms?” He was on his way to receive the phone call I had just informed him of, and acted like he didn’t understand this English word, ‘common rooms’ and just repeated it as he walked by me to get the phone. In any event, now they are not in the house. I had gone over to the cottage to eat my sandwich b/c the smoky smell in the kitchen was about to make me keel over and then Suzanne came over to the cottage shocked to see me there. I see the lights on in the upstairs room, so I think they are hanging out over there now. They will be in big trouble if they think they can smoke in there, b/c that stuff is no joke at a children’s center. They’ve already been warned about something like that before. Ah well, tis not my problem now and I am quite happy to have the house to myself.
Okay, so I’ve decided that I am going to do the LLB degree. Yeah, it’ll be difficult to transfer to America, but it’s not impossible. Also, $5,000 versus $100,000 is pretty much the deciding factor. After talking to John Marshall Law School’s financial aid department and pretty much finding out all I can get is loans, well that did not make me a happy camper. I’m already close to the brink with my $25,000 in debt from my undergraduate degree. Sometimes I get close to hyperventilating just thinking about it. When I told Jason my brilliant plan just a half hour ago, he asked, “so where are you going to get the £3,000?” Talk about raining on my fricking parade. Anyhow, I have a plan for that, too. Working in New Zealand. Yeah, I know, sounds a bit crazy, but I’ve wanted to do that anyways, and this guy Philip told me about how he actually was able to save money whilst he was working there due to the low cost of living. I can get a one year work permit while I am under 30 years of age. I called and ordered the work permit information and will research it more, of course, but that is the plan I’ve concocted today. I often hate telling people my plans, b/c they change so often as I find out more and then I worry that people perceive me as fickle. I just say that the first idea is just that, an idea, and I build on that, not abandon it. Hmph. So there.
Well, I am going to do a bit of research on working in New Zealand. Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)
I went to the dr. today. I had a breast exam, and all was well. I got some tablets to help with my cramps and some iron pills. I am not feeling well at all today b/c it is cramp day. I was at work this morning, but towards the end of the day I started getting the sweats and feeling faint, so I came over to the house. I slept from 1:00 to 6:00 p.m.
I called the American Bar Association today to find out about studying law here and taking the bar exam in America. This would be a lot cheaper for me. Anyhow, I was referred and referred and finally found out that, no, at least not in Illinois. I can do it in New York, but then I would have to practice in New York for five years before I could transfer to Illinois. Since I have no desire to live in New York, that’s a big downer for me. Oh well.
I am very homesick lately. This afternoon, I had a dream that I went home for a surprise visit. I was very happy. The kids that I work with were there as well, though, I think. I am looking for cheap flights to go home for Christmas, so we will see. I don’t feel like I want to leave here for good, I just want to go for a visit.
Well, I’m going to phone John Marshall Law School in Chicago now, b/c, for the second time, my online request for information has encountered an error.
Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)
Peter and our new roommate, Eva, are talking away in German. Suzanne has slipped away to the port a cabin, and I am painstakingly trying to type this with two bandaged fingers. The one that I cut with a knife at residential over a month ago is still bandaged, and I got the smallest of small paper cuts that is just aching. I know, it is the most piddly thing ever, but it’s just making my typing a bit difficult b/c the fingers involved are the forefingers on each hand.
So, Eva arrived tonight as we were all eating dinner. It was about 8:00 and we had just finished work at 7:30. She is German, 20 years old and will be here until March. She reminds me of someone I’ve known, but I can’t yet think of who.
The Quaker reception last night was quite nice. We got very lost on the way there, so were a little late, but made it in the end. Louise, the youth program co-ordinator, also went because she is new staff as well. I thought the people were really nice and the dinner was lovely. They gave us food to take home, too! ;-) had a great time, but when we got in the bus to go home, Peter was wingeing about how he had wanted to go an hour earlier. I swear, there is a side to Peter coming out that really suggests a closed-mindedness that I never knew of before. Today Suzanne said something about one of the past volunteers being gay and Peter replied with disgust, “and he worked with children?” Suzanne made some comment that one would expect to be made and then Peter said that he was only kidding, but I don’t think that was the case, or even if it was, I would never have thought to make that comment even in jest. Peter is not that comically sophisticated, anyways.
Jason did phone me tonight. I swear, my heart aches from missing him.
I slept late this morning b/c I had the most vivid dreams were everyone was so disappointed in me and I owed them everything. I also had two broken legs in casts and was walking around on crutches. So weird.
Right now I’m looking at fares for going home for Christmas. I don’t know if it’s a possibility yet, but we shall see.
Hope all is well with everyone and I look forward to hearing from you.
Lots of love,
Sabrina ;-)
We’ve just got home from the Quaker Meeting night. We met the members of the Ulster Quaker Service Committee and had a lovely dinner and dessert. It was nice, though we got really lost on the way there (it was at one the members’ house) and Peter, who was driving got really upset on the way home, for reasons that are so boring, I’ll not bother typing them, but I had fun!
Today with the kids we took an ‘autumn walk’. This involved going out and picking up leaves then putting them in a bag. We only braved the elements for about 5–7 minutes. Then again, with the amount of leaves on the ground, you don’t have to go very far. We then went into the craft room and glued the leaves onto paper and decorated our masterpieces with glitter and confetti and the like. It was actually quite good fun.
It is entirely way past my bedtime, so I best be off. Although, I will mention that I phoned Jason when we arrived home, and he was so distracted I asked if he wanted me to let him go and he said, “yes, if you don’t mind.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever had someone take me up on that. He is intensely studying for his exam on Thursday, and I mean for f*ck’s sake, he’s not my boyfriend anymore, so I just said, “no, not at all.” He said he’d ring me tomorrow, but I said not if you don’t want to. “Oh no, I will.” The great thing about him, is that he actually probably will.
Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)
First day back to work. Last night I dreamt that it was first day back to school and I went literally kicking and screaming. Well, actually, I was mostly rolling around on the sidewalk b/c I SOOO did not want to go back. Anyhow, I had counseling today after work. Peter was nice enough to take me there, but he was oh not so happy about picking me up. No siree bob. Oh well, I’m home safe, and I told him I’d do him a favor (like dishes or something), so nothing more to be done. Oh, I also called Jay first thing this morning and asked him who Helen was. He was like, “uh, what?” But I calmly repeated the question as if it were completely normal and then said that I had a dream he was married to someone named Helen. He didn’t know anyone by that name. Hey, I was half asleep, and I swore it was going to bug me the rest of the day if I didn’t ask him that morning. Well, I pretty much forgot about it after I woke up completely, but oh well. I miss Jay. I mean, we are really good friends and all, and I am thankful for that, but I miss having him as a boyfriend. Like tonight, for example, I would love to just be curled up on the couch with someone having a cuddle, making me feel safe, forgetting about my fears and insecurities and the petty problems of the day and just feeling totally comfortable with each other.
Tomorrow night, me, the volunteers and Louise, the newest member of paid staff, are going to a Quaker dinner function. It’s like “meet the new people” night. I’ll let you know how it goes.
On Wednesday, we are getting a new volunteer. Her name is Eva and she is from Germany. She is replacing Suzanne, who will be leaving the first week of January. As ever, I’ll let you know how it all goes ;-) Hope all is well. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)
Ah, the last day of vacation. I must say, it’s been very nice getting to sleep WHENEVER I want for as LONG as I want. Ahhh, yes, bliss. It has been a relaxing week, indeed. I don’t regret not going anywhere, I am a bit of a hermit sometimes and I do really enjoy sleeping, in case you didn’t already get that. I am a bit nervous about going back to work tomorrow. It’s kind of like the first day of school. I do miss the kids, though, so it will be nice to see them again.
I know yesterday’s entry seemed a bit down, and I was a bit down, but after talking to Jason and my Mom, I felt a lot better.
I’m starting to look more into law school and maybe start the ball rolling on that. I’ll keep you posted!November 1, 2003 – 9:33 p.m.
Oct. 31, 2003
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