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A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs of the church building. Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the annoucement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever even washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the dirt and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here soap! Here water!"
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Two friends rented a boat and went fishing in a lake. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to go into shore, one man said to the other, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy said, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "That was dumb! What if we don't get the same boat today?"
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There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation of being slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datson dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted 240-S. The dealer asks, "Why 'S' "? The snail replies, " 'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer didn't want to loose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spends the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
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~Signs you've bought a bad car~
~ Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags
~ Your car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill
~ Your rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror are Better Than This Piece of Junk"
~ Traffic Watch warns others what highway you're taking
~ You can only go to a restaurant that offers Valet Pushing
~ When you approach hitch-hikers, they put their thumbs down
