funnyquotes

"I'm sitting at the opera and I'm thinking, 'Look how much work it takes to bore me to tears.' " - Dave Attell

"I love going to see opera. You can't sleep at home like that." - Larry Miller

One night, a little boy's parents overheard this prayer, "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test. And if I die before I wake, that's one last test I have to take."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now the guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius." - Sid Caesar

"In a national survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the "Star-Spangled Banner," but only 37% of Canadians know the first line to "Oh, Canada," which is really pathetic because the first line of "Oh, Canada" is "Oh, Canada." - Jay Leno

"When my mother make out her tax income return every year, under occupation, she writes in, " 'Eroding my daughter's self-esteem.' " - Robin Roberts

"ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't even include weddings and elections." - Argus Hamilton

"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and science test scores of American students. We bombed in history too. Over 90% of American students think that B.C. means Before Cable." - Argus Hamilton

"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures we took just to use up the rest of the film.' "- Penelope Lombard

"In high school I was in marching band.......so you know the babes were all over me." - Drew Carey

"My neighbor asked me if he could use my lawmower and I told him of course he could. As long as he didn't take it out of my garden." - Eric Morecambe

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached your verdict?
We have your honor, we find the man who robbed that bank not guilty.

Question: "If you could live forever would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever because we should not live forever because if we were supposed to live forever then we would live forever but we cannot live forever which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"I read recipies the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Rita Rudner