(Nearby, K-Chan, MJ, Neko, Tani, Tasuki, Fluffy, Miroku, and Wolfwood are putting their intellects to the task of finding a solution. But, as they are all fortified with Chemical Pops, thoughtfully provided by K-Chan to help them through this time of crisis, the discussion tends to . . . wander. Frequently. Chan, Kibby, HH, Trin, Jesse, Genki, Rei, and Chichiri are also present.)
Tani: *orange* You know, the sky is blue, �cause the sun shines through the atmosphere and reflects off the ocean and then that reflects off the ozone layer. (She has a substantial pile of sticks in front of her.)
Tasuki: *blueberry* So, how come the sky�s not, like, orange over the desert or green over the jungle or something?
Tani: It could be. How do YOU know? (Leans in.) Have YOU ever seen the Great Valley? (Giggles.)
K-Chan: Alright, alright, �nuff o� that. So . . . (unwraps a Sour Apple Chemical Pop) . . . what to do about Sano and XJo-Jiminy-Cricket-Chan . . . .
MJ: *cherry* If she�s his conscience, I have a feeling she�s gonna get swatted. I mean, that�s what I did to mine. (Pantomimes plucking something out of her ear, tosses it to the floor, and stomps on it emphatically.) Gooshed �im. Li�l bastard . . . always bending my ear with that so-called "perseverance of good" racket . . . .
K-Chan: *Dark Helmet voice* Evil must always triumph . . . (the others join in) . . . because good is dumb!
MJ: �Zactly. So, I squished his buggy ass. (Snaps fingers for emphasis.) Problem solved.
Fluffy: *also fairly wasted* (Snaps fingers.) Problem solved . . .
WW: What I wanna know is, how�d you manage to get a bug in your ear in the first place?
MJ: Hmm . . . (shrugs) Dunno. But he�s gone now.
Fluffy: *high wasted voice* All gone, buh-bye! (Waves at imaginary bug.)
Neko: *perk* Wait a second . . . . (Proceed to have a one-sided conversation with herself.) . . . Yeah . . . Mm-hmm . . . Could be . . . Yes, I think so . . . .
Miroku: Is this a private conversation or can anyone join in?
Neko: (leaps to her feet, startling everyone) I�VE GOT IT!
Trin: *mutters* You�ve got something, all right.
Neko: I know how to cure Sano!
Tasuki: (raises hand) Uh, just to let you know, if it�s the same thing I tried on Boushin, forget it. That doesn�t do anything except piss people off.
HH: *glare* Indeed.
Neko: No, really! Come on, huddle! (They go into a football huddle. A buzz of whispers is heard.)
MJ: *over the whispers* Oh, that�s terrible! Horrible! AWFUL!! (Pops head up and speaks to the camera.) I like it, I like it! (Somebody�s hand pushes her head back down into the circle.)
Neko: OK? OK!
All: *clap* Break!
=
[Later, after much set-up . . . . ]
(Neko gets the thumbs-up from K-Chan.)
Chichiri: *to Neko* A-no . . . Neko-san? Exactly what are you planning on doing, nan no da?
Neko: Oh, we�re going to . . . (whispers in his ear)
Chichiri: (eyes widen) That�s just crazy enough to work, no da!
Neko: (Smiles proudly.) OK, people, on my count . . . one . . . (Sano is oblivious, nose buried in The Hitchhiker�s Guide to the Galaxy.) . . . two . . . (Sano looks up, sensing that something is amiss.) . . . THREE!
(WW, Fluffy, K-Chan, and Tasuki tackle Sano and hold him down, which is no easy task. Neko proceeds to dig in his ear with a pair of tweezers.)
Sano: Ow ow ow! Leggo! Lemme go!
Neko: *mutters* Come on, it�s gotta be in there somewhere . . . .
Sano: (speaking in a completely different voice) Damn you, Neko! Turn me loose!
Tasuki: O.O; Uh, that�s more than a little freaky. (Sano starts thrashing like a cat trying to avoid a bath. The others redouble their efforts to hold him down.)
Sano: (in another different voice) I�ll tear you limb from limb! I�ll fry your livers for hors d�oeuvres! I�ll eat your hearts with plum sauce and chili powder! (Everyone looks a little scared, but they hang on.)
Trin: *flinch* never knew XJo-Chan was so violent.
Sano: (head twists at an impossible angle to speak directly to Trin) Well, then, you�re not very observant, are you?
Trin: O.O;
Genki: Dude, it�s the anime version of "The Exorcist"!
WW: *loudly and dramatically* The power of Chris t compels you! The power of Christ compels you! (Every time he says "Christ", the three monks hold up little signs that say "Buddha". MJ crosses herself.)
Neko: Try and hold him still just a little longer, you guys! I think I�ve almost got it!
Sano: *to Miroku, who is coming to help* You, houshi-sama. Tell them to let me go.
Miroku: (shakes head; kneels beside K-Chan to help hold Sano down) No can do. This is for your own good, Sano . . . XJo-Chan . . . whoever you are.
Sano: *now howling in Gaelic* [subtitle] "Blast you to cinders and damn your soul, you bastard! I�ll kill your firstborn child, eat it for supper, and throw it�s bones to the dogs! May the Devil swallow you sideways and choke on your pecker!"
Miroku: A-no . . . (Turns to K-Chan, whom we�ll assume speaks Gaelic for the purposes of this episode.) . . . what did he say?
K-Chan: *wince* Suffice it to say, you don�t wanna know. Trust me. (Sano struggles more violently.)
Neko: *frustrated* (Sits back with a huff.) I can�t work like this! MJ!
MJ: Yo!
Neko: You find the tea leaves?
MJ: Hai, now what?
Neko: (Remarkably business-like a calm for someone who is trying to dig with tweezers in the ear of a person who is struggling and cursing and foaming at the mouth; tries to resume digging, but fails.) Tear a few of them up, have Chichiri bless them, and drop them into Sano�s mouth.
MJ: (thinking her friend is completely bonkers) Um, OK . . . (Tears up a few tea leaves.) Chichiri-sama, will you do the honors.
Chichiri: (nodds, about as serious as one can get with that smiley mask on) Hai, nan no da.
Sano: (yet another voice; Spanish this time) [subtitle] "You will die! All of you will die! The vultures will feed upon your flesh!" (Switches to English, in XJC�s voice.) Let me out! Let me out! Ocha wo ippai! [Give me tea!] �Yo quiero Taco Bell! (Back to demon voice in Spanish.) "Your miserable carcasses will be feast for the worms!"
MJ: Damare! [Shut up!] (Drops the shredded tea leaves into Sano�s mouth.)
Sano: (chokes, gnashes teeth, which grinds up the tea leaves; relaxes, chewing the tea leaves.) *very out-of-character contented sigh* (WW, Fluffy, K-Chan, Tasuki, Miroku, Neko, and MJ breathe sighs of relief.)
Neko: *back to business* Much better. (Resumes digging with tweezers.)
Fluffy: Yes indeedy!
K-Chan: *to Fluffy* OK, Fluffy-kun, I�m cutting you off.
=
Miroku: Oya maa, Neko-san, you�re brilliant! (Sano growls; Miroku casually swats him with an ofuda.) Houriki! (Sano subsides.) How did you know what to do?
Neko: XJo-Chan has a profound weakness for tea, especially when she gets emotional. It calms her down.
MJ: (protests) No, it doesn�t! (WW smacks her.)
WW: Shut up, bitch. Neko speaks.
MJ: (rubs sore jaw ruefully, muttering and giving WW the "Boy-are-YOU-gonna-get-it!" glare.)
K-Chan: Oh, I get it! And having it blessed by a monk helps to control the demonic tendencies, right? (Chichiri smiles and draws himself up importantly.)
Neko: (uncomfortable glance to Chichiri) Actually, that was just to fit in with the whole "Exorcist" motif.
Chichiri: *disappointed* Aw, nuts, no da.
Neko: Gomen, Chich-kun.
Tani: *ever the optimist* Hey, it still worked, didn�t it?
Chichiri: Hai, deshou ne . . . [I suppose.] *beat* . . . I need a Chemical Pop, nan no da. (Starts toward the box.)
Fluffy: (restrains him) Oh no, you don�t! I remember what happened last time and I really don�t feel like playing Suicide Prevention Squad with you right now. Get me?
Chichiri: (nodds sullenly)
Neko: (stops digging with tweezers; sits back) *sigh* I give up.
Chan: Just out of curiosity, what were you trying to do, anyway?
Neko: It occurred to me that XJo-Chan might be in the form of a bug inside Sano�s ear, but I guess I was wrong.
Tani: Hm, oainiku, Neko-chan.
Neko: Yeah . . . (Gets up, dusts herself off.) Oh yeah! Almost forgot! (Reaches down and removes the ofuda.)
MJ: Um, is that wise?
Sano: (sits up, jovial and friendly, like nothing ever happened) Is the tea ready yet?
Neko: Honestly, M-Chan, you worry too much.
MJ: I�m allowed to. I�m old. (The gang goes back to their original setup from the beginning of the episode.)
Tani: So, anyway, like I was saying . . . . what was I saying?
Tasuki: Something about the Great Valley, or some wacked-out crap like that. I still have no idea what you were talking about.
Fluffy: *substantially wasted* Sounds like fun! How d�you get there?
Tani: *sappy drifting faces/candles/mystical echoes effect* "The bright circle must pass over us many times, . . . . and we must follow it each day to where it touches the ground."
Trin: *joining in* "Follow the bright circle past the great rock that looks like a long-neck and past the mountains that burn."
WW: *aside to IY* This is starting to sound like a passage from Revelation.
IY: What the bloody hell are you talking about?
K-Chan: *continuing* "Your heart will guide you. It whispers, so listen closely." (Enter Nuriko, Jukai, and Spike.)
Tasuki: OK, that was the single most formulaic thing I�ve ever heard. I have no idea what you girls just said.
Fluffy: Me neither . . . but it sounds so pretty!
Spike: Not that all this isn�t extremely fascinating . . . . *mutters* and it isn�t . . . . but how do you know it�s even there?
MJ: Some things you see with your eyes. Others, you see with your heart.
Nuriko: Whatever the hell THAT means . . . .
Spike: *to Jukai and Nuriko* You guys told me your friends were a little crazy, but you neglected to mention that they�re certifiably insane!
K-Chan: (rocks back and forth) They�re coming to take me away, haha . . . .
Spike: *sigh* I need a smoke. (Produces cig and lighter from somewhere on his person.)
MJ: (as he goes to light up) A-HEM. (One hand rests on her hip, the other points to the "No Smoking" sign directly overheard, her foot tapping impatiently.)
WW: *eye roll*
Spike: (Shrugs; swallows cigarette.)
All: Eew!
Spike: *sigh* So many public places are non-smoking these days.
WW: (pats him on the back) I feel your pain, man. MJ don�t help matters much here, either.
MJ: Help? Here�s an idea: quit.
WW: (salutes) Sieg heil, Fraulein Smoking Nazi!
MJ: (casually bops him over the head)
K-Chan: *rather louder than necessary* What the HELL is wrong with smoking? Not that I smoke . . . . cigarettes . . . . I confess nothing . . . . nor deny nothing . . . . aw hell, I need a Chemical Pop. (Goes to fetch herself one.)
Tasuki: Oh, boy, she�s flipped. K-Chan�s lost it.
Neko: Got news for you, buddy. K-Chan lost it a long time ago.
=
K-Chan: Oi, what the hell is this? (Pulls Kibby out of the box of Chemical Pops by one foot. He squirms out of her grip and drops to the floor.)
Chan: Kibby, how many times have I told you to stay out of the big people�s candy box?
Jukai: (noticing the strawberry Chemical Pop that Kibby has managed to get his furry claws on) Um . . . is he supposed to have that?
Chan: No . . . . Kibby, drop it! (Too late. Kibby puts the pop in his mouth.) Uh-oh . . . . (Fire bell sound effect is heard.)
Kibby: O.O (ears flap) Ya-HOOO! (Shoots into the air like a furry miniature rocket and begins bouncing off the walls and ceiling. Everyone hits the deck. Jukai doesn�t duck fast enough and Kibby beans him right in the melon.)
Jukai: *eyes cross* Daaaaaa . . . . . *passes out*
Chan: What have you done to my Kibby!
K-Chan: Wow, my Chemical Pops have never had THAT effect before! (They all duck as Kibby whizzes by.)
Chichiri: Probably because you never gave one to a koala before, no da.
K-Chan: Probably . . . . (They all duck as Kibby whizzes by.)
Sano: He has too much kinetic energy? What�ll we do?
Miroku: *stands* I�ll stop him. (Starts to remove rosary.)
Neko: No, don�t! (She tackles him and Kibby barely misses them, leaving a slight dent in the wall.)
MJ: K-Chan, dear, I do hope you realize I�m going to hold you accountable for the damages caused by this little escapade.
K-Chan: *groan*
(Meanwhile, Neko and Miroku have landed in a very compromising position and are currently staring into each other�s eyes.)
Miroku: *finds his voice first* A-Arigatto, Neko-san . . . .
Neko: *doukidoukidouki* Uh . . . sure . . . . (Chichiri looks jealous.)
MJ: Shmooze later, you two! Right now, we need to be more worried about the fluffed koala ricocheting around over our heads at a high rate of speed. (They duck as Kibby whizzes by, as if to emphasize the point.) Any suggestions? *beat*
Neko: Chichiri�s kasa! *group flump* [AN: According to Neko, the answer to any unanswerable question is "Chichiri�s kasa". Don�t ask. I don�t know.]
Tasuki: (grabs the kasa) Gimme a break . . . .
Chichiri: Hey! What do you think you�re doing, no da?
Tasuki: (shakes kasa overhead) What the hell could this thing possibly do?! (Kibby flies straight into the kasa and disappears.) *stunned silence* Whoa . . . .
Chichiri: (stands up; dusts himself off) THAT�S what it can do, no da!
[Meanwhile, on Mt. Taitiouku . . . . ]
Kibby: (suddenly appears out of thin air high in the sky) Waaaaauuuuuugh! (Falls.)
Lai-Lai: (below, completely oblivious) *hums* (Picks a flower; smells it.) Pretty! (She suddenly notices a shadow from overhead. She looks up.) Eh?
Kibby: KYAAAAAH! (He lands on Lai-Lai.) *BAM*
Lai-Lai: Itaaaaiiiii . . . . Taiitsukun, small furry animal fall out of sky and hurt us, hurt us!
Kibby: *eyes crossed* Oog . . . .
=
[Back on the bus . . . . ]
K-Chan: Nice going, Tasuki! That�s usin� the old noodle!
Tasuki: *blush*
Neko: *to Miroku* Honestly, I know you wanted to help, but sucking Kibby into a black hole is not, I repeat, NOT going to make you very popular around here. And some of these guys are still a little sore at you over the whole double identities bit.
Miroku: (flashing that smile) But not you. (Yes, he�s flirting.)
Neko: *blush*
Chichiri: *vein pop* Yoush, that does it, no da. (Grabs Miroku by the collar.) May I have a word with you? (Yanks him aside rather forcefully. Removes mask; speaks in a low, serious voice.) Listen, lech-monk, you stay away from Neko-san, understand? (Pokes Miroku in the chest with one finger for emphasis.) She�s mine.
Miroku: *visibly ticked off* Since when? (Tension tension tension.)
Chichiri: Teme no shitta koto ka! [None of your damn business!] (By now, the others have noticed what�s going on. A verbal fistfight between two monks is kinda hard to ignore.)
Miroku: Oh, really? Why don�t we ask Neko-san then, ne?
Chichiri: Are you calling me a liar, bouzu?
Miroku: Well, to be perfectly frank . . . yes.
Chichiri: *vein pop pop pop* If you weren�t a fellow houshi, Miroku, I�d kick your ass, no da.
Miroku: (They�re really getting in each other�s faces now.) Don�t let that bother ya, ojiji. [Old man {rude}]
MJ: A-no, could you guys stop hosing the bus down with testosterone, please? Somebody might slip.
Neko: (stepping between them) Come on, guys, don�t fight! We�re all supposed to be friends here!
Chichiri: (glaring at Miroku over Neko�s head) We were . . . until this lech started muscling in on MY territory, no da.
Miroku: (gives him a dirty look)
Genki: *aside to Trin* Do you sense a grudge match in the making here?
Trin: *nodd nodd* Mm.
Jukai: *theatrical tear* Can�t we all just . . . get along?
Sano: We could, but it�s ever so much more entertaining when we don�t!
MJ: Yeah, what do you want? A short series?
K-Chan: *to the monks* Do I have to separate you two?
WW: Maybe you should . . . .
Chan: *slightly panicked* Never mind THAT! WHERE�S KIBBY?!
Chichiri: (smiles reassuringly at Chan) He�s on Mount Taitiouku. They�ll take care of him there until we can pick him up, no da.
Miroku: That reminds me . . . what�s with the mohawk? I mean, you�re a monk, not a rock musician.
Chichiri: *much vein popping*
Tani: Oh boy, now ya gone and done it . . . .
K-Chan: (physically separating them before they start throwing punches) Yoush, both of you have a seat. (They sit down on opposite sides of the bus, glaring daggers at each other.) Oh, knock it off! Can�t you guys get along? (The monks maintain the poisonous glares, but force insincere smiles. K-Chan rolls her eyes.) Much better.
Nuriko: This is not a happy bus.
Tasuki: No sh!t, Sherlock. (Nuriko casually clocks him over the head.)
=
Tani: He�s right, you know. We have to cheer this place up!
Shippou: Let�s play a game!
Spike: You MUST be joking.
Fluffy: *haughtily* Do you honestly think that I, Sesshoumaru, would stoop so low?
MJ: Um, unless you want K-Chan to take your head off, yes.
K-Chan: (gives Fluffy her version of the Glare O� Death)
Fluffy: *sweatdrop* Very well then.
K-Chan: Yoush, how about some word association? Miroku-kun, we�ll start with you. I�ll say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your head.
Miroku: *hesitantly* Um . . . OK . . . .
K-Chan: OK, then. We�ll start with . . . um . . . evil.
Miroku: *without hesitation* M-Chan.
MJ: Present!
Trin: Christmas.
MJ: No! That�s not what I . . . . never mind.
Tani: Candy.
K-Chan: Chemical Pops!
Fluffy: (shakes head) Christ . . . .
Chichiri: Buddha.
Genki: Temple.
WW: Ceremony.
Neko: Tea.
Sano: (looking around wildly) WHERE?
Neko: (wordlessly hands him a mug of tea)
Sano: (happily guzzles the tea)
Tasuki: *glance* Psycho . . . .
Chan: Movie.
Jesse: Popcorn.
MJ: *twitch twitch*
Jukai: Something MJ doesn�t like.
Miroku: People smoking on the bus.
MJ: *glare* Wolfwood.
Everyone: "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" (Again, the monks hold up their "Buddha" signs.)
Trin: Exorcism.
Tani: XJo-Chan.
K-Chan: Hats.
Neko: (jumps in) Chichiri�s kasa!
Chan: *sadly* Kibby . . . .
Fluffy: . . . . the Flying Marsupial.
Chan: *glare* Not funny.
Nuriko: Annoying . . . .
Spike: Women . . . .
All Females: *GLARE*
Sano: Something Miroku likes . . . too much . . . . (sips tea)
WW: *bluntly* Sex.
Fluffy: (spins plate)
K-Chan: Tiddlywinks.
Sano: *shudder* Smart . . . .
Chichiri: Games.
Tani: Wink.
MJ: Me!
Miroku: Evil.
K-Chan: And we�ve come full circle. See, that wasn�t so bad, was it? (Blank, indifferent looks from just about everybody.)
Chichiri: *shrug*
Tasuki: Actually . . . that was kind of fun.
MJ: *aside to Tani* (Kisses fingertips and pats her rear end, signifying "Kiss-ass.")
Tani: (chuckles)
K-Chan: Aw, Tasuki, you�re such a sweetie! *hug*
Tasuki: *much blushing*
Nuriko: *to Rei* He�s doing a lot of that today, isn�t he?
Rei: *nodd* Mm-hmm. (Enter Saja and Kouga.)
Saja: Hi guys. How�s every . . . . whoa whoa whoa! (To K-Chan.) And just exactly WHAT do you think you�re doing?
Genki: Uh-oh, here�s another grudge match in the making!
K-Chan: I�m giving Tasuki a hug. (Stands.) You got a problem with that?
Saja: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do!
K-Chan: And just exactly what are you gonna do about it?
MJ: Um, nothing while you�re on MY bus, OK? (They ignore her.)
Saja: Don�t make me hurt you!
K-Chan: Bring it on!
Tasuki: Ladies, ladies! There�s enough of me to go around!
Both: Shut up! (They continue to argue.)
Trin: The days after Christmas are gonna be epic.
MJ: *aside to Neko* Who�s that, Neko? (Points to Kouga.)
Neko: That�s Kouga. He�s a wolf youkai.
MJ: Sengoku Jidai?
Neko: Yup.
MJ: He�s, um . . . *once-over* . . . interesting.
Neko: *dubiously* Interesting?
MJ: (nodds) Interesting. *beat*
Neko: Oh, just say it!
MJ: What?
Neko: *knowingly* You think he�s a hottie.
MJ: *turning slightly red* I hate it when you do that.
Neko: I don�t need to read your mind. Your face is an open book.
MJ: Shaddup . . . .
Neko: Come on, admit it . . . . you like him, don�t you?
MJ: (smiles mysteriously) Maybe . . . .
Next Episode