Behind him, McKay heard Lorne and Caldwell discussing options. He heard the order given to radio Atlantis and report that they were returning. The search was over. Rodney continued to stare at the blank screen.
They were really gone; --Teyla, Ronon, Ford�Sheppard. God. He�d failed them all, his entire team. Rodney tried to swallow but he choked instead and coughed. Pain tore through him. His head still throbbed, his muscles screamed from the agony they�d endured over the last few days, and yet none of it compared to the knowledge that his team was gone. He was alone.
Slowly, Rodney closed his eyes. He wanted to blink it all away, open his eyes and be waking up in his quarters back on Atlantis, never having been kidnapped, drugged or held hostage by Ford.
He realized that someone was standing next to him, but McKay didn�t open his eyes. It wouldn�t be who he wanted to see anyway. He was never going to see Sheppard again. His last memory was of Sheppard and the others was being dragged away from his team at gunpoint. Torn away. This was his nightmare come true, what had fed his fear back in that cave. He was suppose to have been with them on the mission. He should have died with them� Oh God, he didn�t want to survive alone.
The presence moved closer and Rodney felt a hand, solid and warm on his shoulder. He stiffened, but resisted the urge to pull away from the touch. Instead, he opened his eyes and found Major Lorne looking at him with genuine concern. It surprised Rodney. Lorne could barely tolerate him.
�What?� He meant to be cold and snappy, to send the clear signal to leave him the hell alone. but the word came out in a pathetic whisper instead.
�You should get some rest, Dr. McKay.� Lorne moved his hand away, shifting awkwardly under Rodney�s stare.
�I don�t want to rest.� Damn, but he couldn�t seem to get the sting back in his voice. Rodney frowned. His hearing seemed to waver in and out. What was wrong with him?
�Beckett said�� Lorne began, but Rodney cut him off with an angry snort. Suddenly, for a moment, he was able to push it all away and hide behind his anger again.
�Yes, well, unless you plan on tying me down like he did�get out of my face and let me work.�
Lorne blinked, but didn�t back down. �Rodney.� His voice was too gentle for Rodney�s fragile grasp on his own composure.
�Don�t�� McKay blinked rapidly. His eyes stung.
�There�s nothing for you to do here,� Lorne pressed. �And I promised Beckett and Weir,� he emphasized the latter, �that I�d keep an eye on you.�
Rodney�s emotions rolled. There was nothing for him to do because he was too late. He�d failed. �Fine,� he gave up wearily. He didn�t want to be around all these other people right now anyway.
Rodney entered his familiar quarters on Atlantis and collapsed onto his bed even as the door was still closing behind him.
�Why aren�t you dead?� he whispered, mimicking his own question again, not quite believing he had actually asked it out loud. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, ignoring the aching in his chest. None of this seemed real anymore. He was so tired. He hadn�t felt this overwhelmed with exhaustion since Atlantis had been under siege.
Groaning as his muscles cramped again, Rodney tried to get comfortable. All he wanted was to let go and forget all the feelings he�d wrestled with in the last few hours, days, weeks. He wanted to forget it all and yet his brain raced, replaying every moment since Ford�s brutes had jumped the team, searching for any way he could have done things differently.
�If only I hadn�t eaten the drugged food, or been able to concentrate better after I was drugged. If only I�d drugged myself sooner and taken out the guards when I first knew something had to be going wrong or when they first dragged me away from the others. If I�d just been paying attention on that first planet instead of griping about being there at all�� The thoughts plagued him, not letting him forget�he should have done more.
Shivering, McKay grabbed his blanket and pulled it up over him as he curled onto his side and clutched at his pillow. Everything seemed to swamp him at once. From the fear and panic back in Ford�s cave that something had certainly happened to Sheppard and the team, to the frantic confusion as he�d tried to explain to Elizabeth what was happening. His angry accusations thrown at Carson in sheer desperation resounded in his mind and Rodney grasped the pillow tighter, burying his face in its softness as humiliation filled him. All for nothing.
He realized it back on Daedalus when he�d thought the team dead and then again when he�s arrived on Atlantis to find out they were back and safe. He�d fought his way free from Ford�s stronghold and back to Atlantis, and through the torturous detox all in an effort to find a way to help rescue Sheppard and the others, only to be too late. It was bad enough, the emptiness of their loss�his failure and then the swing to pure relief. They were okay. They had escaped on their own, saved the day, destroyed TWO hive ships and gained invaluable insight into fighting the Wraith�and they hadn�t needed him for any of it.
Rodney cursed and punched his pillow as his teeth began to chatter. What the hell was wrong with him? He should be thrilled, no, ecstatic, that they were all alive. His team had survived. Instead, he groaned as pain rolled through him again. They hadn�t needed him at all. Hadn�t needed him to dose himself with enzyme and take out the guards. Hadn�t needed him to make his way back to Atlantis, drugged and out of his mind. Hadn�t needed him to suffer and almost die�
Paranoia suddenly swept over McKay. Had John even planned on trying to find Ford�s planet and come back to rescue him?
�Don�t be stupid, Rodney,� he whispered through clenched teeth. He tried to be rational about it, but as he lay there, trembling and barely maintaining any control�he wasn�t sure he�d ever be rational again.
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Sheppard sauntered toward the infirmary feeling a comfortable sense of relief that he was finally back home on Atlantis with his team safe and together again. When he�d stepped through the gate and greeted Elizabeth with a pithy, �sorry we�re late,� he�d been ready with his next breath to order for Zelenka and put the scientist to work. His main concern, after seeing to Ronon and Teyla�s health, was finding a way back to Ford�s mystery planet and rescuing Rodney.
Weir had stopped him with a hesitant smile. �He�s on the Daedalus, John.� Her words had surprised him and, as Carson rushed to check out Ronon and Teyla and escort them to the infirmary. John remembered staring at Weir as if she�d grown a second head.
�What? How?�
�He escaped on his own.� She�d nodded, understanding his questions if not giving him the answers he truly wanted. �Helped us figure the location of the Hive ships.�
�The Daedalus was there?� John looked at Ronon and Teyla, but they were already leaving the gateroom. �We didn�t��
�We�ll explain later,� Elizabeth cut him off. �Right now, let�s get you checked out at the infirmary. The Daedalus will be back soon.�
�And Rodney is?�
Elizabeth nodded again. �He�s fine, John. He�ll be happy to see you�re safe.�
John laughed softly now at the memory. Sure Rodney was happy to see them. �Why aren�t you dead?� McKay�s words brought out a sarcastic response in him, but he knew McKay well enough to know the man was glad to see them all alive and for the most part, unharmed.
Rounding the corner near the infirmary, John moved to allow two nurses to pass him. He nodded a silent greeting and kept walking, hearing them continue their conversation once they were past him.
�Did you see him?� one lady asked.
�No, but I heard about it. Heard he screamed at Dr. Beckett and everything.�
�He did. They had to move him to a more secluded part of the infirmary and keep him restrained for quite a while.�
John frowned, wondering whom the two were talking about and if they should be talking about the person at all.
As he entered the infirmary, he heard Carson reprimanding Ronon about the importance of resting now.
�Worst is over.� Ronon was arguing, obviously put off by Carson�s request that both he and Teyla stay the night in the infirmary.
�Aye, I know that, son.� Carson was patient. �I just want to monitor you both and make sure there aren�t any complications from going through the withdrawal without proper medical care.�
Ronon sighed and looked at Sheppard for help, but John merely shrugged. Seeing the Colonel wasn�t going to help, Dex tried another avenue. �Why isn�t McKay here too then?�
Carson swallowed slowly, his gaze shifting.
�Rodney wasn�t taking as large a dose as you two,� John reminded, before Beckett could answer the runner. �And he�s already had medical attention. I�m guessing his bellyaching was probably worse than his actual withdrawal.�
Ronon snorted and Teyla chuckled, but Beckett stiffened and turned away rather abruptly.
�Carson?� Teyla noticed the doctor�s reaction first.
�Yes?� Carson turned again, facing the Athosian, but there was anger in his voice.
�Rodney is alright, is he not?�
Beckett glanced at Sheppard.
�What?� John�s relief slipped into unease. What wasn�t he being told? Since they�d returned to Atlantis they�d been checked out in the infirmary and had the brief meeting when the Daedalus returned, but Weir had scheduled the official debriefing for the next morning after everyone had gotten a full night�s rest. John hadn�t minded the idea then, but now, looking at Carson�s half panicked, half enraged expression, he wanted to know what he was missing.
Carson continued to stall, his mouth working like he was fighting a battle, wanting to tell the Colonel something, but not knowing if he should.
�Carson?� Sheppard slipped into an �official� tone. �Did Rodney have trouble with the withdrawal? He seemed fine. Did he give you a particularly hard time or something?�
�Maybe we should wait and discuss this tomorrow at the debriefing.� Carson�s voice was short and clipped. �I�m not certain��
�You�re not certain of what?� John pressed. �What the hell happened?�
Carson let out a long sigh of surrender. �Didn�t Elizabeth tell you what happened? How Rodney escaped?�
�Not yet.� Ronon said.
�Figured he outsmarted the guards and put the DHD back together,� John answered, his worry growing as he read the mix of anger and concern on Carson�s face.
�Oh he outsmarted them alright.� Carson shook his head.
�What exactly did Dr. McKay do?� Teyla questioned softly.
�He injected himself with a doze of enzyme so he could overpower the guards and escape.�
�He what?� John�s heart all but stopped. �How much enzyme?�
Carson looked down again.
�Carson.�
Anger flared in the doctor�s eyes as he looked up and met Sheppard�s demanding gaze. �A massive dose, near as much as Ford,� he admitted hotly. �He didn�t need to exaggerate his complaining,� he, added bitingly. �We had nothing to help him save a few drugs that barely made a dent in his pain, and the man went through hell.�
Sheppard backed into Teyla�s bed and sank slowly down onto the mattress. His mind raced with images of Ford writhing on the floor of the Wraith cell, of Teyla informing him that Kenau was dead.
�I wasn�t sure if he was going to��
John shot off the bed.
�Colonel?�
�I�m gonna kill him.� Anger flared through John. What had Rodney been thinking? Did he not think that John and the others would come back for him? Was he so distrustful that he�d gone and almost killed himself rather than wait and stay safe where he was?
�John!�
He ignored Teyla�s desperate shout as he stalked out of the infirmary. All he cared about now was finding Rodney and pounding some sense into the scientist.
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Rodney paced the floor, shivering as he wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. One minute he was freezing, the next he felt like he was on fire. The walls of his room seemed to be closing in on him and, as comforting as the dark familiar place was moments ago, now it was nothing more than another prison.
Frustrated, McKay gave up. He smacked the panel near his door and winced at the brightly lit hallway. His head throbbed and the lights seemed to pulse, but he walked quickly, keeping his head down, his body driving him to move.
Entering his lab, he glanced around for a second and then shook his head. He couldn�t stay here either. He needed something open. It was like the world was shrinking and he found it hard to breathe.
�If I could only get some enzyme.� The thought flitted through his mind before he even realized what he was thinking. Anger flared again, he hated himself for even wanting the drug. He hated his body for demanding it and he hated Ford for subjecting him to this agony. How could he have been so inattentive? So stupid to let himself get hooked on a drug that warped his mind and took away his control.
McKay passed a group of soldiers in the hall and shrunk deeper into his blanket to avoid their stares. He knew they were staring. They had probably seen him in the throes of his insanity, ranting and raving and making no sense as he�d tried to explain to Weir how they needed to rescue Sheppard and the others.
Snorting, Rodney shook his head. They hadn�t needed to do anything. Sheppard had it all under control. John�s control hadn�t been taken from him against his will. Oh he�d been coerced into helping Ford, but John hadn�t felt the drug coursing through him or taking over his faculties. John had been able to think straight, to think clearly. John had saved himself.
Another turn in the hall and McKay wasn�t exactly sure where he was anymore; he just knew that up ahead he saw an exit. A balcony. He could get outside; he needed to get outside before the walls caved in on him. Ignoring another wracking cough and painful shiver, Rodney pushed his way into the cold night air. The breeze felt good against his skin, the air smelled like the sea. Though his body fought against its cravings and seemed to twitch and shiver no matter how hard he tried to be still�the freedom of being outside was enough to calm him for a moment. He blinked up at the night sky, searching for stars, but the lights of Atlantis were bright, blocking out the natural light and leaving only inky blackness above. Suddenly, as quickly as it had comforted, the openness lost its appeal. It yawned above Rodney and threatened to suck him into its grasp. Floundering, McKay backed against the outer wall of the city, trembling with the intense fear that the sky would swoop down and scoop him into its depths.
He�d floated in space before, he�d seen the expanse up close and now, it mocked him. Fear filled him and panic gripped at him and he shrank away, slipping down onto the ground and curling into a tight, pained ball as his muscles cramped and his breathing quickened. Pulling the blanket tightly around him he pressed himself against the city wall and prayed that the pain would just stop.
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John virtually punched the control panel beside Rodney�s door and pushed his way through before the door had fully opened.
�McKay?� he shouted harshly not caring that he would roust the man from his rest. When there was no answer he mentally nudged the lights on only to find the room empty.
�Damn it.� Sheppard�s eyes scanned the room, noting the mess of covers on the bed. Looked like Rodney wasn�t sleeping to well. He�d check the lab.
But the lab was empty, too. Where had McKay gone? The mess? Growling to himself, John started on his hunt. He was determined to find Rodney and call the genius on his stupidity. What had the scientist been thinking?
Anger boiled within John again. Here he�d fought for his life, faced the wraith queen down and barely escaped being blown up in a firefight and Rodney didn�t have the common sense to just stay put and wait for him to come find him?
Sheppard stormed the hallways, checking Rodney�s usual haunts and finding everyone but the man he sought. The longer he searched the angrier he got.
�Colonel?�
�What?� John spun, snapping at the young marine hailing him.
�Um�� the young man looked suddenly terrified but swallowed his fear and faced his superior with courage. �Are you looking for Dr. McKay?�
John started to tell the boy to go away but stopped. �Yeah. Where is he?� He softened his brusque tone, hoping to find out what he needed to know.
�Saw him heading toward the east balcony a bit ago.�
John frowned. �Thanks.� He was running through the hall before the marine had time to respond again.
Five minutes later, John burst out onto the balcony, to find it deserted. �Shit!� Sheppard took a few steps away from the door and then walked to the rail, and stared down into the choppy dark sea below. He needed to regain control and calm down before he started searching for Rodney again. He knew McKay well enough to know that if he confronted him with yelling and accusations, the doctor would just yell back and retreat behind big words and arrogant defensive mechanism. They�d get no where.
The sea was calming despite the waves. The sound of it soothed his anger. What had Rodney been thinking? The question rolled through his mind again. It hurt that McKay hadn�t had faith in him. Hadn�t trusted that he would come back for him. Was their friendship that strained? Was his leadership that bad? Where had he failed to instill that trust in McKay or was McKay just that conceited that he didn�t believe anyone could pull off these things but him? Why hadn�t Rodney used his brain instead of taking the drug and why�
A sound caught John�s attention and he looked up from the mesmerizing pull of Atlantis�s sea. The night was dark but Atlantis shown brightly, casting shadows around the balcony. What was that sound? It had a cadence to it, rising and falling but constant and sounded almost like�a voice?
Sheppard spun around his eyes straining to see into the shadows, sweeping the balcony as he tried to pin point the sound until they fell on the dark mass huddled against the city.
�Rodney?� His asked in disbelief even as he moved, fast, towards the sound.
As he came near he saw only the top of McKay�s head in the folds of the thick blanket.
�Please stop. Please stop. Please stop. Oh god, make it stop.� The litany went on and on, rising and falling from a whisper to growl and back again. Rodney rocked and shivered and pressed himself against the city, never stopping his chant.
John stared. �Rodney?�
McKay didn�t respond, he merely continued to rock and chant, never looking up or acknowledging Sheppard�s presence.
Swallowing the sudden lump in his throat John blinked and moved closer as Carson�s words in the infirmary rang through his head. Rodney had taken a massive dose of the enzyme. He�d gone through withdrawal with no help�cold turkey. Beckett hadn�t been sure he was going to survive.
John sank to his knees beside his friend and tentatively reached out. �Rodney?� He touched McKay�s shoulder and Rodney�s movement suddenly ceased.
Slowly, the scientist lowered the blanket from his face. John saw the deep sunken eyes, the faint bruising along his jaw and the trembling lips. �Damn it, McKay.� John�s anger drained out of him instantly. �What did you do?�
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Rodney closed his eyes, his body tensing as he pulled further in on himself. His breathing came in desperate gasps that he knew bordered on hyperventilating. Was he hallucinating now, too? John couldn�t really be here, could he? Why would he?
�Come on, buddy.� John squeezed his shoulder. It hurt and Rodney instinctively pulled away from the pain. Sheppard frowned, confusion flickered in is eyes. �Talk to me, McKay. What�s going on in that brilliant mind of yours?�
Rodney snorted and looked away even as he felt John scooch closer. He could feel the warmth of John�s hand on his arm now, even through the blanket. John was real.
�You�re freaking me out here, bud,� John admitted and McKay could hear the honesty and worry in his friend�s voice.
�I�m fine,� his voice was rough and strange to his own ears even as his teeth clattered together audibly.
John laughed at that. �Uh huh. That�s not what Carson was just telling me.�
Shaking his head, Rodney damned Carson. �Beckett sh- should, should learn to keep his trap shut.� He didn�t look up, embarrassed by his lack of control. Why couldn�t John just leave him alone?
John shifted but didn�t let go of Rodney�s forearm. �Yeah, well, I think he was actually trying to defend you.�
Shame filled Rodney as his own words slapped at him again. �No,� he pushed back against the glass and steel, finding comfort in the bruising pain. It took his mind away from the maddening cramps and burning skin. �Not after��
�Not after what?� John prodded, but Rodney just shrugged and bit his lower lip. His jaw ached as he clenched his teeth together in an effort to keep them still.
McKay turned, his legs moving only slightly, still trembling in their curled, tight position. The blanket slipped, revealing the short sleeved t-shirt he wore. Even in the shadows he could see the red marks striping his wrists. He could still feel the straps holding him down to the bed, stealing his control as he�d strained against them. His blue eyes flicked up to find Sheppard staring too.
Quickly Rodney tried to fix the blanket, to hide his humiliation but John was faster. Sheppard grabbed his hand and held him on place. �These�� He motioned to the bruising.
�Never mind.� Rodney yanked his hand away. �Just leave me alone.�
�Can�t do that.�
�Can�t help me either, so leave,� Rodney tried again though inside a voice screamed �No, don�t leave me here!�
Somehow, John heard the inner voice. �I�m not going anywhere, Rodney.�
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John watched as Rodney made a sound of disgust and annoyance but he easily read the pain and fear in McKay�s eyes. No way in hell was he leaving Rodney again.
The bruising surprised him, even as he processed seeing his friend this way�he hadn�t imagined the bruises. The overheard conversation from the hall came back to him. �They had to restrain him for quite awhile.�
Carson hadn�t mentioned that part of the story. Now, as McKay continued to try to still his trembling and twitching, John wondered what else Beckett hadn�t had the time to share before he�d stormed away.
�Maybe you and I should take a walk to the infirmary,� he suggested softly.
�No!� Rodney almost shot to his feet, but doubled over again before he made it upright. John caught him on the way down. The extent of the trembling caught Sheppard off guard and he kept his arms around Rodney, supporting him.
�Easy, easy.�
�God.� McKay tried to pull away, but John held on. �I can�t.�
�You can. The worst is past right? You got through that. This is just the little stuff. You can do this.�
Rodney shook his head. �I can�t. I can�t, I just need�No.� He argued with himself as the shaking intensified with his panic. �Please don�t take me back there,� he pleaded. �He�ll tie me down again and everybody will see. Everybody sees, they stare and and�� He was growing frantic.
�Shh. We�ll stay here for now. It�s okay,� John reassured as McKay pressed his forehead into his shoulder. �No one�s going to tie you down again. No one�s going to see.�
�Too late. Too late.� Rodney gasped. �I can�t do this. I just can�t.� He pulled away with strength that surprised John and he lost his grasp on the scientist.
Rodney stumbled to his feet and staggered a step before bumping into another form. Strong hands grabbed his upper arms as the sudden stop sent McKay back down to his knees. He bent forward but the hands held him securely.
�I got you,� a deep voice assured.
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Rodney looked up with wide, watery eyes. When had Ronon joined them? Was he suddenly on display so the entire city could witness his colossal loss of control?
�It will pass,� the runner reassured as he gently and easily maneuvered McKay back beside Sheppard.
�Yeah, right.� Rodney felt the blanket being draped over his shoulders again as he settled back down onto the balcony. �That�s what Carson kept saying, over and over but it hasn�t passed. It just comes and goes now and won�t stop. It won�t stop and I hate that all I need is more of that damn enzyme!� His words slurred together as he frantically tried to explain. Why didn�t they understand him?
Ronon nodded and sat down beside him, crossing his long legs and exchanging a look with Sheppard on the other side of him. Rodney frowned. What were they doing here? Why wouldn�t they just leave him alone?
�The yearning is strong,� Ronon admitted softly.
McKay huffed at the Runner�s words. �Strong, yeah. Look, why don�t you two just wander off and go do�something else.� He glanced between them, awkwardly. �I�ll be fine and I don�t need you or your damn pity.� He pointed out harshly, hating himself for not meaning the words he spoke. He really didn�t want their pity, but he was torn between wanting them to stay and not wanting them to see him this way. He didn�t want to see himself this way.
�Rodney,� Sheppard started to argue but Ronon cut in, his voice heavy with feeling.
�It feels as though your blood will boil within your veins if you don�t get more enzyme. Your muscles feel like they are turning to steel and your bones crack like they will break.�
Gaping at Ronon, Rodney saw nothing but a deep understanding as Dex�s eyes met his. �Your skin burns like it is on fire and you curse yourself for craving the very thing that caused it all, but you can�t help it. It�s all you want.�
�You.� Rodney pointed a trembling finger and then pulled it back quickly, hiding in the folds of the blanket again.
�And Teyla,� Ronon nodded. �She didn�t want to crowd you,� he explained when McKay peered around him suspiciously, wondering who else was watching.
Rodney harrumphed and leaned back against the cold surface of Atlantis. Ronon and Teyla had faced this, too, he reminded, remembering the look of outrage on Teyla�s face as Ford revealed he�d drugged their food and Ronon spitting his out. Ronon sure didn�t seem to be suffering now. �Stop it McKay,� he chided internally. He didn�t want anyone to go through this, he�d not wish it on his worst enemy. Well, maybe he would on his worst enemy, but definitely not Ronon or Teyla. �Bet you both handled it better than this,� he groused. The shaking seemed to be subsiding a little, but he felt the pain as intensely as ever.
Ronon shook his head. �Not much.� His eyes flicked up and across Rodney as he glanced at John. �Ours was a different case with other things to contend with.�
�Yes, yes, that�s right. Captive on a hive ship and all.� The bite was back in Rodney�s tone again. He knew Ronon was trying to empathize and make him feel better, but it wasn�t working. He felt like an ass. Not only had Ronon and Teyla gone through withdrawal without any medical help�they�d faced the Wraith on top of it all. He hadn�t even been able to control himself in front of Carson.
Rodney didn�t even want to consider what Sheppard and Ronon must think of him now. No wonder they�d left him back on Ford�s planet by himself. He rubbed self-consciously at his bruised wrist. His head pounded in time with the waves crashing against Atlantis and for the thousandth time he realized he would give anything at that moment to make everything and everyone just go away.
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Sheppard wasn�t sure how long the three of them sat there in the silence, but he kept a close watch on Rodney, and knew Ronon did as well. The trembling was still there, but less pronounced and McKay�s breathing had evened out and slowed. Rodney stared out at the night and refused to look at either of them and John worried about what was going through the scientist�s head. How much had Rodney�s mind twisted what had happened? John had heard the self-deprecation in McKay�s statement to Ronon, Sheppard just didn�t know now quite how to confront or deal with the situation.
�Colonel Sheppard?� Carson�s voice seemed frighteningly loud over John�s radio.
�Here.� John tapped the receiver.
�Oh good.� Relief threaded through Beckett�s tone. �I was worried when you ran out and then Ronon followed.� Concern deepened. �I can�t find Rodney or Ronon now.�
�They�re with me.� John�s gaze met Rodney�s and he saw the fear in McKay.
�How is Dr. McKay?�
�Hanging in there.�
There was a long pause. �Is he having any more difficulties?�
Rodney lowered his gaze to the floor and began rubbing at his wrist again.
�Nothing we can�t handle. We�ll see you in a bit.�
McKay shook his head as John turned the radio back off. �So stupid,� he muttered.
�What is?� John questioned.
Rodney snorted. �I�m stupid,� he snapped. �I should never have taken the enzyme. I should have been able to think of some other way, if I�d just been able to settle and concentrate enough I know I could have but��
�Why�d you take more enzyme anyway?� John tried to keep his voice calm, his earlier anger threatening to return.
�Ford�s guards.� Rodney waved a hand absently.
�Didn�t you think we�d come back for you?� John asked.
McKay stopped. �What? Yes. No. I mean�what?� He stared at Sheppard, confused.
�Why did you think you needed to take out the guards? We would have found a way to come back for you,� John insisted. �Didn�t you trust us�me?�
Rodney shook his head and ran a hand over his face. �No. No. No. No. Of course I�you were gone so long,� he shuddered. �I thought for sure something had already happened to you but dumb and dumber, they just shrugged my concerns off like I was crazy or something.� He tried to make sense, to remember how he�d felt back in that damn cave and make John understand. �I couldn�t just sit there, not doing anything. I didn�t know if you�d made it to the Hive ship, if the dart worked correctly, if you were able to rematerialize the others without problems.� His speech picked up speed. � I didn�t know if you�d been captured by the Wraith or if I could help at all or if it was already too late and you�d already been sucked� I had to try.�
�Try what?� Ronon asked.
Rodney looked up at the Runner. �To help you. I told Ford�s guards that if we just got back to Atlantis, we could send help, that I could tell Caldwell where the Hive ships were going. I knew I could figure that much out.� He looked back to John. �We knew the plan was bad. We told Ford it was doomed. Knew it would never work and I couldn�t just��
It dawned on John then, sapping his remaining anger towards Rodney away for good. He had gotten it all wrong. Rodney hadn�t doubted him�he�d feared for him.
�Why the enzyme, McKay?� Sheppard needed to hear it all.
�They were guarding the DHD crystals.� Rodney gestured again. � I tried to just go and get the crystals but they��
�They what?�
John could hear the protective anger growing in Ronon�s voice. Rodney seemed lost in his memory. �They blocked the way and threatened me. Laughed at me and told me I�d have to �go through them�.� His head bobbed and voice deepened as he imitated one of the guards.
�So you did,� John finished, watching Rodney�s features carefully, seeing the conflict, the shame and the pride.
�You took out both of them?� Ronon questioned.
Rodney blinked and gave a small nod. �I was amazing,� he whispered.
John smiled and wondered what the fight had really been like. How close had it been? He could see the light bruising on McKay�s face. The guards had fought back. �How�d you get back home?�
McKay closed his eyes, his brow furrowed as if he was searching for an answer. �The rest is well�fuzzy,� he lied. He shivered and seemed to draw back in on himself. �Doesn�t matter. You made it home on your own.�
John frowned. �Rodney?�
�What?� McKay�s anger snapped back. �What, John? What are you going to tell me? That it ended well? That it was a good thing?� He glared now, shrugging off the blanket and stumbling clumsily to his feet. Sheppard started to rise but Ronon grabbed his arm and stilled him.
�Are you going to try and tell me what a good job I did? How �courageous� I was?� He finger quoted as he stalked to the edge of the balcony and yelled out at the sea. �It was a stupid idea!� he roared. �I was an idiot! I near killed myself for nothing!� He spun around to them again and even in the shadows John could see how red the scientist�s face was.
�You didn�t need me.� Rodney went frighteningly calm. �There was no point to it. I drugged myself, shot a huge dose of poison into my body, rambled like a fool to Elizabeth and a gateroom full of witnesses, accused Carson of trying to kill me instead of save me, dragged myself out of bed when all I really wanted was to give up and die and for what?� He didn�t give either man a chance to respond. �Just to watch you die instead.�
John flinched as McKay�s words slapped at him. �What?� They hadn�t died. What was Rodney talking about?
McKay didn�t answer, only turned away and clutched desperately at the balcony�s rail, his posture stiff and straight�and trembling.
John had to strain to hear over the sound of the sea as McKay started speaking again.
�We couldn�t find you. Lorne and I were in the jumper and there were two hives instead of one and we couldn�t make any radio contact. Caldwell ordered us back to the Daedalus in time to watch you start the firefight.�
Sheppard heard a chuckle.
�Knew it was you when I saw that one dart firing on that ship. Only you would do something like that, so brash and�� Rodney�s head seemed to bow. �And then, everything exploded. First the one hive ship and then the other and the screen, it just went blank. You were gone.�
John was stunned. Elizabeth had told him that the Daedalus had been there but he hadn�t realized�Rodney had watched everything get destroyed without knowing that he and Ronon and Teyla had made it to safety.
McKay�s �Why aren�t you dead?� question was suddenly something more than a scientist�s thoughtless, rude comment. Rodney had thought he�d watched them die.
John stared, mesmerized by the man in front of him. McKay thought everything he had done had been for naught, but didn�t he see? The fact that Rodney had been willing to risk so much�had risked so much just to try and help them�him and then believed he had failed so completely tore at Sheppard, it punched him in the gut and took his breath away.
He didn�t know what to say.
Rodney didn�t seem to move, but Ronon was instantly in motion, reaching McKay as all the strength and anger and emotion seemed to melt out of him. Dex caught Rodney easily and lowered him carefully.
�He�s out.� Ronon looked up, meeting John�s gaze, eyes filled with too many emotions for Sheppard to name. The runner held Rodney against him instead of laying him on the floor.
John tapped his radio. �Carson?� He waited for a response. �We could use some medical assistance at the Eastern balcony now.�
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Rodney knew exactly where he was as soon as he began to wake up. No other beds in two galaxies were as hard and uncomfortable as the ones in Carson�s infirmary. He felt like a truck had plowed into him; his earlier pain seemed dulled though he still ached all over. He started to shift, but panic seized him. Images of restraints, tight around his ankles and wrists, hit him so vividly he swore he could feel them again but then he remembered.
Sheppard had promised there�d be no more restraints.
Relief filled McKay as he moved his arm slowly, never second-guessing his faith in John�s promise. The only resistance Rodney felt was the awkward, bruising discomfort of an IV taped to the back of his hand and the tubing that snaked up his arm. Curious, he flexed his wrist sharply and half smiled despite the painful twinge as a high pitched alarm began to sound.
He heard Carson�s exasperated sigh and opened his eyes as the alarm immediately stopped. Beckett had been close by.
�Rodney,� the doctor greeted, his voice a mix of relief and annoyance, but his smile was warm. �How�re you feeling this morning?�
Rodney felt a growing sense of d�j� vu, looking up at Carson and tried to ignore the shame that came with it. He looked away and attempted to push himself up in the bed. �Numb,� he admitted, finally, when he felt he could safely look at Beckett again and keep his emotions out of the way. �What happened?�
Carson busied himself adjusting McKay�s pillows and the IV line, helping him settle. �You had a wee relapse and passed out on us.�
�Wee?� Rodney scoffed. �Didn�t feel like there was anything �wee� about it,� he pointed out, revealing his memory of what happened was well intact.
�I imagine not,� Carson shook his head. �Your body is still dealing with a major shock. Though I think the majority of the enzyme is out of your system now, I don�t know enough about its withdrawal symptoms and its aftereffects, as I�d like, especially after the dose you took. I want ya taking it easy until we�re positive these�episodes�have passed for good.�
When Rodney started to protest, Carson kept going. �I know there were extenuating circumstances earlier, you needed to be up and helping us find the Colonel and Ronon and Teyla as soon as you were able, but Rodney,� He laid a hand on McKay�s upper arm, �You�ve been through a serious ordeal here.�
�I know that.� Rodney shrugged defensively.
�Aye.� Carson flickered up a moment before he refocused on McKay again. �You know a lot of things, now start believing them.� He patted McKay�s arm. �Rest,� he ordered before moving away.
Rodney scowled. What did Carson mean by that? Start believing what? And�wait� �Hey, aren�t you going to feed me? I could use some food here, I�m starving!� He raised his voice, but Carson kept on going, effectively ignoring him. �Thirsty, too,� Rodney half pouted, feeling a bit deserted.
�Water�s right beside you.�
McKay jumped and yelped, whipping his head around to find John sitting casually on the empty bed beside him. �Geez, Sheppard. Good work,� he gasped. �Way to startle the crazy man.�
�A crazy man would have been tied down,� John smirked, hopping off the bed. He grabbed a large mug of water, adjusted the straw and held it for Rodney. �Here.�
McKay rolled his eyes and snatched the mug from Sheppard�s hands. � I can do it.� He sipped the water and made a point not to look at the Colonel. God, the man must think he really had lost his last marble the way he�d acted out on the balcony, the things he�d said�shouted�screamed. Unfortunately he could remember a lot more than he wanted to. Finally he handed the mug back to John. �Thanks,� he muttered, catching his friend�s gaze. �For that and,� he gestured to the unused restraints tucked down on either side of him.
�No problem.� Sheppard set the mug down but didn�t move back to his perch on the other bed. �Least I could do.�
Rodney frowned. �Could have brought me something to eat,� he said pointedly.
�Where do you think Ronon is?�
�Really?� Rodney�s eyes widened with surprise. �Does he know I can�t have��
�He knows, McKay.� John cut him off. �I�m fairly certain by now�everyone in the Pegasus galaxy knows what you can and can�t eat.�
Rodney eyed John suspiciously, wondering if he should be offended by the Colonel�s tone or not.
�You missed this morning�s briefing.� John�s lack of segue caught McKay off guard.
�What?�
�Slept right through it.�
�Well yeah.� Rodney mentally caught up and gestured again to his prone form. �Out of commission,� he informed, trying to hide his discomfort with the whole subject. �I miss much?�
A slow smile spread across Sheppard�s face and Rodney got the sinking feeling that he�d just waltzed into a perfectly laid trap.
�A lot actually.�
�Hmm.� Mckay was doubtful. He leaned back into his pillows. �The adventures of Colonel John Sheppard and his merry band of junkies.�
�Rodney,� John leaned his hip against the edge of McKay�s bed, turning to face him.
�Am I wrong?�
�Well no, but��
�Then don�t �Rodney� me,� McKay mimicked and closed his eyes. He really didn�t want to go into this now. He finally felt half sane and he didn�t want to revisit the feeling that John seemed intent on digging at.
�But you are wrong about a few other facts.� John�s comment surprised him and he opened his eyes again.
�What facts?� he demanded.
�Important ones. For instance�the fact that without your help, I�d have never been able to fly the dart.�
Scowling, Rodney realized where Sheppard was going with this. �Right, because no one else could have interfaced the Atlantis and Wraith technology,� he finished sarcastically. �That was back on Ford�s world and had nothing to do with you on the Hive ship.�
�Not that dart. Do you think I was able to find the exact same ship we flew in on when we were escaping? Barely had time to grab the one I got.�
�Really?� Curiosity over John�s escape had McKay listening despite himself.
Sheppard nodded, looking pleased with himself for gaining Rodney�s full attention at last. � This one was set up all different, but from the things you showed me on the first dart, I was able to at least improvise. Ford helped me escape from the queen.� John�s eyes darkened. �But by the time I got to Ronon and Teyla everything was chaos. Alarms were going off. I had no idea what had happened to Ford. The culling had started. Darts were flying everywhere and I wasn�t sure I�d be able to grab a dart without being detected.�
�How did you?�
�They were pretty distracted by something else. Didn�t even look my way.�
Were the Wraith so focused on the culling they hadn�t bothered with Sheppard? It didn�t make sense to Rodney. The Wraith would never have just let John escape. �By what?� he demanded. �They wouldn�t just let you go.�
�Don�t think they fell for my charming personality?� John teased.
Rodney snorted. �Well, the queen is an alien chick.�
�Ouch,� Sheppard winced and pretend to stumble backwards as if struck.
�Knock it off.� McKay found himself grinning. �What do you think happened?�
John sobered immediately. �You.�
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Rodney looked stunned, his mouth worked, opening and closing without words until he started. �I don�t��
�The Daedalus, McKay. We went over the logs, the time line,� he made sure he had McKay�s full attention, locking his gaze with Rodney�s. �Everything. It was the Daedalus firing on the Hive ships that provided the distraction we needed to get out of there.�
�You don�t know that, not for certain.�
�Neither do you. The fact is the Daedalus was there�because of everything you did to get it to the right spot on time.�
�But,�
John could almost see the thoughts warring within McKay.
�Yes, Rodney.� John was not going to back down on this. �Daedalus provided the time I needed to get the dart, scoop up Ronon and Teyla and figure out how to get those ships to destroy each other instead of me.� He moved and sat on the edge of the bed, needing to be closer to McKay and hoping that his point was getting through. �So, what you did�� his voice grew softer, dropping to a whisper. ��Means a hell of a lot. It wasn�t for nothing.�
Rodney glanced away and John knew the scientist was trying to figure out whether to believe him or not.
�And even if you don�t believe that right now, �Sheppard�s voice rose again, demandingly and McKay looked back at him. �Your team does. I do.� He finished strongly, emphatically. �Understood?�
He watched Rodney hesitate, debating within himself before finally, slowly he nodded. �Understood.�
�Hey.�
Both men turned at Ronon�s quiet greeting. The runner stood on the other side of the far bed, holding a tray of food. John wondered how long Dex had been standing there, but didn�t worry about it. He knew Ronon felt the same as he did, given the fact that he�d shared an �enzyme� experience with McKay.
The smell of food must have reached Rodney. �That mine?� He eyed the tray hungrily, motioning rapidly for Ronon to bring it to him.
�Yup.�
�Give it here then.�
John shifted, moving back to the empty bed so Ronon could set the food on one of Carson�s handy hospital trays and roll it into place for McKay. He watched as Dex helped McKay get situated for better access to the meal.
Sniffing appreciatively, Rodney smiled. �You,� He picked up a fork as Ronon moved and sat down next to John. �Are a godsend. I�m starving.�
John looked at Dex and grinned, knowing the other man was just as pleased to have McKay sounding like himself again.
�This is just what I�wait.� Rodney froze, stared at the tray intently and then glared at Ronon, pointing the fork at him. �Where�s my jello?�
�Jello?� Dex repeated the foreign word as if confused.
�Colorful, jiggly stuff,� John explained. �Usually tastes like fruit.�
�Oh, he knows what it is,� McKay huffed accusingly, waving the fork around. �You took my jello, didn�t you? I can�t believe you. What color was it?�
John quirked an eyebrow at Ronon, catching the mischief in the young man�s eyes. �You didn�t.�
Ronon shrugged. �I like the blue.�
�See, see. I told you. He stole my jello. I can�t believe you would steal food from a sick man. No no. I do believe it. My only source of true comfort.� He exclaimed dramatically. �Where is Teyla? She�ll kick your ass for this you know. She would never steal my jello.�
John shot Ronon an angry glare that was pointless due to the satisfied grin he couldn�t suppress. Dex grinned back. Rodney�s tirade continued. It was good to be home again.
