Anything
by Debby
(disclaimer: The Sentinel and it's characters belong to Petfly, UPN and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made off this story. The lyrics included belong to Third Day's "love Song")
Just to be with you, I�d do anything
There�s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I�d give anything
I would give my life away
The smell teased his subconscious, pulling at his sleeping brain and jerking it to wakefulness with such force that he sat straight up in bed. Jim sniffed, recognizing only the alarming odor of smoke and was halfway down the stairs before the underlying aroma of vanilla registered. He sighed heavily and sagged against the wall. Sandburg.
Opening his eyes, Ellison scanned the loft, finding Blair immediately. He frowned and scrubbed his hand roughly over his face and through his short-cropped brown hair before focusing on his partner again.
Blair sat in the lotus position with a half circle of white candles lit in front of him. He wore sweatpants and a t-shirt but his hair was visibly damp, confirming that he�d already been up for awhile. His back was to the stairs but Jim could easily picture the serene expression on his friend�s face. Shaking his head, Jim continued down the steps. A quick glance at the clock showed it was almost time to get up anyway so he headed for the bathroom and hoped Sandburg hadn�t used up all the hot water.
Jim moved through his morning routine distractedly, wondering what had drawn Blair out of bed and into meditation so early. Not that Blair meditating was all that unusual but Jim had caught the tense posture and slightly bowed head even in the short amount of time he�d been watching. Something was bothering his friend.
By the time Ellison emerged from the bathroom with a towel knotted firmly around his waist, Blair was moving about in the kitchen. The candles had been put away and Blair had changed into jeans and a long sleeved plain blue t-shirt.
�Breakfast will be reading in five, Jim,� He said looking up briefly from the pan of scrambled eggs he was working on.
�I�ll be right down,� Jim answered, noting that Sandburg at least sounded normal. He dressed quickly, the smell of fresh coffee and hot eggs making his stomach growl. He paused a moment before buttoning up his shirt, trying one more time to figure out what might be bothering Blair.
Sandburg had been through a lot in the last few months�they both had. The media attention following Blair�s press conference denouncing his thesis as fraudulent had died down quicker than either of them had anticipated. Simon had opened doors for Blair to take the firearms courses he needed to earn his detective shield and they were moving on with their lives.
�You coming, Jim?�
Blair�s voice jerked Jim back to what he was doing and he quickly finished buttoning his shirt. �Coming.�
It wasn�t until he was snapping his holster on that Jim remembered. Today was the day. Today was the day of Sandburg�s final firearms test�and Blair was meditating.
Jim tried to stifle his worry as he moved down the stairs and watched Blair set his plate of breakfast on the table. Blair wasn�t eating. Just a cup of coffee, not even a glass of the horrible smelling green stuff he always claimed was nutritious. Jim felt his fear rising.
�Anything wrong, Chief?� He was surprised at how casually he managed to ask the question.
Blair looked up, obviously startled by the question. �Not really, why?�
�Just wondered.� Jim sat down and took a sip of his coffee. �You were up early.� He picked up his fork and stabbed at the eggs. �Meditating,� he pointed out before shoving a forkful into his mouth.
Blair watched him a minute, then shrugged. �Just processing some things.�
Jim nodded sagely and skewered more eggs, not looking up. �The test?�
Blair smiled, not at all fooled by Jim�s apparent disinterest. He leaned against the counter and sipped his coffee before answering. �Yeah, that�s part of it, � he admitted.
Jim looked up, waiting for Blair to continue.
�It�s just�� Blair gestured with one hand as he searched for the words he wanted to use, �overwhelming I guess. So much change, so fast. It�s not anything like what I ever pictured myself doing and��
�You�re having second thoughts,� Jim interrupted. It hadn�t been a question because Jim was confident in his assumption. Sandburg had never intended to stay and now that it was coming down to the wire, not just a dissertation deadline; a real true commitment �the point of no return- Blair wanted out.
Blair watched the wall instantly go up around his best friend. Jim sat up straighter, his clear blue eyes grew cold and shuttered as he withdrew and put up his defenses. It was easy to recognize the response; he�d seen it too many times already.
Worried about his test and stressed by the circumstances, Blair�s anger flared. �Damn it, Jim,� he growled as he set his coffee down with a rough thud. Jim flinched slightly in surprise, watching the hot liquid splash onto Blair�s fingers.
�Shit.� Blair shook his hand and wiped it on his jeans. �When are you going to learn, man?� He moved quickly, grabbing his jacket and scooping up his backpack. �I�d do anything for a friend, Jim.� He faced Jim as he twisted his keys in one hand, the other he ran through his hair. His eyes searched Jim�s face for any understanding. �You�re my best friend; when are you going to get that?� He waited a moment but Jim just looked down at his plate. Blair turned and opened the loft�s door pausing only a second in the threshold and whispering something half to himself but with full knowledge that Jim would hear him, before closing the door behind him.
Jim was left alone in the silent loft, staring at his cooling eggs and hearing Blair�s last comment echo over and over again in his mind.
�I�d do anything for you.�
**************************************
Blair turned the keys, killing the Volvo�s engine, and leaned back into the seat. He closed his eyes, effectively blocking out the drab cinderblock wall in front of him and took a deep calming breath. He wasn�t sure why he�d come to the station other than the fact that he needed to go somewhere and maybe he�d be able to distract himself with reports until he needed to head over to the range for his last few tests.
�Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.� His fingers tapped the steering wheel as he berated himself. He knew he should have brushed off Jim�s inquiries, but he�d really wanted to talk about what was on his mind. He wanted Jim to understand what a major step this was for him. He should have known that just jumping right into the subject without any reassurances would have set Jim�s defenses on high.
Blair frowned. He just needed to process his insecurities, to get them out of the way. He needed someone to listen and tell him he actually could do this. He wasn�t the kind to shy away from challenges, but at this moment, with his test looming a few hours in the future, all he could hear was his mother�s voice sweetly reminding him that he wasn�t cut out for this type of work. Granted, she�d told him that almost four years ago and seemed to be handling the whole idea much better now than then�but her voice still sounded loud enough to add to his nervousness and make him wonder what exactly he thought he was doing.
A sudden knock on his window startled Blair from his thoughts and he yelped in surprise. Simon stood next to his door, arms crossed in front of him with a bemused expression on his face. He waited for Blair to roll down the window.
�Geez, Simon. Scare a man to death why don�t you?�
�Sandburg, what the hell are you doing here?� Simon asked gesturing to the car and then adjusting his glasses.
�Sitting.� Blair grinned.
�Smart ass,� Simon growled with a smile. � What are you doing at the station�don�t you have a test today?�
Blair looked up at his Captain, surprised that Simon knew about his test, though knowing he shouldn�t be. �Later,� he finally answered. �Just thought I�d get caught up on some reports first.� He looked forward, concentration on the scuffed steering wheel with sudden interest. �Need something to do until then.� He didn�t see Simon�s small nod of understanding.
�Where�s Jim?� Banks frowned at Blair�s noncommittal shrug. �What time�s your test?� He asked instead of pressing the issue.
�One.�
�Want any moral support?� Simon knew he could show up at the range and be allowed to watch the testing.
Blair looked up, again surprised. �Uh, no thanks, Simon. Might make me even more nervous. I appreciate the offer though.�
�Alright.� Simon smacked the top of the car. �See you upstairs.�
�Thanks Captain.�
Blair watched in the rearview mirror as Simon strode across the garage to the elevator. He�d never considered that Simon would have actually offered to come watch him test, that he would even want to. Blair had a hard time still fathoming that Simon was even willing to tolerate his presence�let alone open up the doors for him to earn his shield. Sandburg knew that he had always adjusted well to the different environments he�d been subjected to through out his life. He made do. He made friends and he moved on. Since shortly after teaming up with Jim though, he�d lost the desire to move on. He�d never had a friend like Jim or been a part of something like he was in Major Crimes; and now that he was one step away from making it all official, he was overwhelmed.
His life plan had veered off course so dramatically, he felt like he was lost and floundering. He�d meant what he had said as he�d left the loft earlier. He would do anything for Jim. He would do anything to stay with Jim, to keep their friendship and to be Jim�s guide. He just needed to know that he could do anything he needed to�and still be Blair. It wasn�t about Blair not wanting to be a cop -it was about Blair being afraid he didn�t have what it took to be a cop -to be Jim�s partner.
�Oh good, Sandburg, start thinking of yourself in the third person. That�s healthy.� Blair shook his head, grabbed his backpack and climbed out of the car as tried to focus on his mantra, �I am relaxed. I am relaxed. I am relaxed.�
Jim saw the first drops of rain before they hit the windshield and flipped on the wipers just as the sky seemed to open up with a deluge.
�Wonderful,� he muttered. Just a perfect topper to an already crappy morning, he thought. He knew he�d screwed up. Blair would call it his fear-based responses but the fact was�he knew better.
Sandburg had obviously just needed to talk through things and big insecure brute that he was; he�d cut him off with assumptions. �Damn it.� Jim beat the steering wheel with a loose fist. He�d never had a friend quiet like Sandburg before. The friendship itself had surprised him. Sandburg was younger, and almost his total opposite, but the man was loyal. Jim�s conscience burned when he thought of the times Sandburg had proven his loyalty. Ever since their trip to Peru to find Simon and Darryl, Blair had made it perfectly clear that his relation with Jim was about more than just research and yet Jim still found himself doubting.
�I�d do anything for you.� Blair�s hurt whisper resounded in his head as he drove, awakening a new fear he had refused to face. Was Blair becoming a cop just for him? As much as he wanted Blair to be his partner, he wanted his friend to be happy too. He didn�t want Sandburg to do anything he didn�t really want to do.
The rain had let up some and Jim growled at the traffic, impatient to get to work. He needed to talk to Blair, to make sure this was really what Blair wanted. Suddenly a blue Saturn two cars ahead of him braked hard and consequently hydroplaned into the oncoming lane. Jim had a second of warning to turn his hearing down before there was a thunderous crash. Tires squealed as drivers frantically tried to avoid the collision. When the clamor had settled, Jim found himself beside a gray explorer, the truck miraculously undamaged. Shaking his head he grabbed his cell phone to call Simon and climbed out of the truck, ready to help the other drivers involved in the six-car fender bender.
It was almost noon by the time Simon caught sight of a weary Ellison making his way through the squad room.
�Captain,� Jim threw out a distracted greeting as he passed his boss, his eyes sweeping the room once, searching for any sign of Sandburg.
�Jim.� Simon motioned towards his office and entered, knowing his detective would follow.
�Sir?� Ellison took the seat Simon pointed to while casting one last glance towards his own desk.
�He already left, Jim.� Simon grinned as his statement bought him Ellison�s full attention.
�He�s gone?� Jim checked his watch and frowned.
Simon nodded. �Left about ten minutes ago, said. Said he wanted to make sure the rain or the Volvo didn�t make him late.�
�Was he okay?� Jim asked.
Simon chuckled and shrugged. �We�re talking Sandburg here�how can one tell?�
Jim didn�t respond.
�What�s going on, Jim?� Banks asked, his dark eyes serious again.
Ellison leaned back in his chair, shaking his head. �I thought he was having second thoughts,� he admitted finally.
Simon looked at him expectantly, �And?�
Jim shrugged. �I made it more of a statement than a question.�
�So in other words�you accused him of wanting to back out,� Simon said.
Jim closed eyes. �Not in so many words, but my tone was enough. He got angry, said some things and walked out.�
Looking down at his desk Simon played at the corners of the report he�d been reading earlier. �He seemed okay, Jim. Nervous, maybe a bit quiet and contemplative for him, but I just chalked it up to pretest jitters.�
Jim listened and, after a moment, pushed himself out of the chair and moved to the window, staring out at the wet city. �He said he would do anything for me,� he said softly.
Simon shook his head and pushed back in his chair. �You should have known that by now.�
Ellison didn�t look at him. �I do. I mean in my heart, I do. But Simon,� he turned to look at his friend. � I don�t want him to go through with this just because I want him to. I want it to be what he needs and wants as well.�
�You think you could handle it if he didn�t?�
�I don�t know.�
Simon rose and moved to stand beside his detective. �Jim, Blair loves being a cop. We could never keep him out of the action. Not before and definitely not now. It is what he needs.� He paused a minute and looked down before he continued. �He needs to be with you to protect you as much as you need to protect him. He�s your back up and, from day one, he�s proved to us�to me�over and over again that next to you is exactly where he belongs.�
�Because of my senses?� Jim asked in a harsh whisper, feeling the burden of his need.
Simon looked up and Jim�s intense blue gaze. �No, Jim. Because he�s your partner.�
Just to be with you, I�ve done everything
There�s no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away
Blair listened to the noises around him, not quite paying attention. He jumped at the nearby sound of a weapon discharging regularly as one of his classmates took their test. Taking a deep breath he willed his hear to beat with a normal rhythm and his hands to stop shaking. He was up next.
His safety glasses were in place, his hair tied back in a semblance of compromising with the regulation. Earphones sat cockeyed on his head, covering only one ear so that he would be able to hear when his instructor gave him the go ahead. His eyes though were focused down, on the weapon lying innocuously on the shelf in front of him. Slowly he reached forward and gingerly traced his fingers over the metal ridges and curves. He�d grown up hating the weapon and now he was about tot take the step that allowed him to carry one on his person. He equated guns with violence and force; with brutish police officers his mother continued to call �pigs� and now�he smiled faintly know that now of his stereotypes from youth matched his family in Major Crimes.
Blair closed his eyes, wondering just how much this next step would change him. He�d identified himself as an anthropologist for so long, would being a cop change who he was? He laughed almost bitterly; knowing that he�d already changed so much in the four years of working with Jim. Sure he had to admit that along with age and a bit of maturity he�d become somewhat hardened, less na�ve at least. He knew he feared that becoming a cop would change who he was as Blair Sandburg, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it merely added to who he was. It didn�t take anything away.
There were times he felt like he had given his entire life away since he met Jim and in reality to varying degrees-- death included-- he had. But as he opened his eyes and watched his fingers glide over the barrel of the gun, he knew that it had always been his choice to stay by Jim�s side. He hadn�t chosen death of course, but that�d worked out, as it should have, he supposed. Jim had saved him. He had chosen to give up the dissertation and his doctorate on his own though, and as much as he didn�t appreciate the whole fraud reputation, he knew that he�d made the right choice. Jim was his Sentinel, his brass ring. Jim was his best friend, his brother�his partner. He needed to be with Jim, at his side and ready for whatever was to come at them next. He was ready.
�Hey Sandburg!� A voice cut through his thoughts and he looked up quickly. �You�re up.�
With a confidant nod, Blair adjusted the earphones into their proper position, took another deep breath, picked up his gun and focused on the first test.
Jim tried to relax as he cautiously blocked out the sounds of gunfire and voices around him and zeroed his vision in on Blair�s face.
It hadn�t taken much convincing on Simon�s part for him to take the time off and come watch Sandburg�s last tests. Jim had full faith in his partner�s ability, having practiced at the range with him often since his training had begun. He just knew that this was where he needed to be. He watched intently as Blair closed his eyes and stretched his hand forward, his fingers tracing over his weapon with familiarity. Jim watched, amazed as a myriad of expressions played across his friend�s face. Even with his expressive blue eyes closed, Blair�s face betrayed each emotion.
Suddenly, Blair�s eyes opened again and Jim almost took a step back into the shadows, in reaction. He saw the turmoil whirling in Sandburg�s eyes and then, as if someone had flipped a switch, it was replaced with determination, and peace. Blair was in motion now, the protective ear coverings were adjusted, his weapon grasped in his hand and he was ready.
Jim watched the first test with a knowing smile. His roommate could do anything once he put his mind to it and there was no doubt in Jim�s mind now that his partner was on a mission. His mind worked as he watched, reminding him of all the times Blair had been there for him. Reminding him of the conflicts they had managed to work through and how many times Blair had been so willing to give on his behalf. Jim remembered the night he�d read the first chapter of Blair�s dissertation and how betrayed he had felt. Sandburg�s words afterward rang in his memory as the bullets from Blair�s gun hit the right targets.
�So what do you want to do? Just call it quits?� Jim remembered that he hadn�t answered, but Blair had continued. �Ah maybe you�re right. Maybe I�ve, uh�lost my objectivity. I�ll tell you what�I�d rather just be friends. So why don�t I go destroy my notes? How about that?� It had been the mysterious character Gabe who�d told him to listen to his own heart, and to Blair�s, but Jim hadn�t heeded the message. Instead, he�d pushed Blair further away and Alex Barnes had stepped between them.
Jim swallowed hard and looked down at the faded linoleum floor as fresh targets were put up, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him. Blair had again insisted that he was willing to do whatever it took for them to get past Barnes and instead Jim had let him walk away. He shivered with the memories that flashed through his mind. The weight of Blair as he and H had dragged him out of the water, the feel of his cold wet skin, the lack of any heartbeat or breathing� Jim had to look up quickly to see Blair, to watch him move gracefully through the next test, and reassure himself that Sandburg was alive and well.
They really had been through so much together and no matter how many times Jim had tried to push away from the friendship, Blair had held on.
Jim watched as Blair began the next test, his bullets hitting their mark. Blair exuded confidence on the range, a sharp contrast to the memory of him standing before the press denouncing his work as fraudulent and branding himself with that undeserved reputation.
Leaning against the wall, Jim was struck with the realization that Blair meant what he had said that morning. Blair would do anything for him, not because he felt obligated or because Jim needed him for his senses, but because he wanted to. Jim had always known in his own heart that he would do whatever it took to be there for Blair, to back him up, to protect him, to encourage and support him. With a smile Jim understood what Blair had been telling him that morning. He meant as much to Blair as Blair meant to him. It was about more than being Sentinel and Guide, best friend and brother. It was about them, it was Jim and Blair, and they belonged together.
Blair finished his test and with a quick check of the target, Jim knew his partner had passed. He waited until Blair had moved closer before stepping forward and letting himself be seen.
Blair�s blue eyes widened with surprise and he blushed, suddenly interested in the floor. �What are you doing here, man?� He couldn�t believe he hadn�t noticed Jim in among the other instructors but he was pleased his friend had come and even more thrilled by the look of pride in Jim�s eyes.
Jim shrugged casually. �Where else would I be?� He waited a second then continued. �You passed.�
Blair chuckled lightly but his eyes remained serious. �Told you I would, Jim.�
Fidgeting slightly, Jim looked down. �You�d do anything.�
Blair blushed again and twirled the safety glasses around his fingers. �Yeah, well�the badge will impress the ladies.�
Jim laughed outright and nodded toward Blair�s waiting instructor. �I�ll wait for you outside. We�ll go celebrate.�
As he moved toward the door, Jim heard Blair�s soft whisper �Anything to be with you, man. Anything.� He paused and turned around.
�Hey, Sandburg.�
Blair looked at him; surprised he�d stopped. �Yeah?�
�Just so you know, it works both ways, Chief.�
The end.
