By sablecain
Disclaimer: the characters, Atlantis, etc. all belong to MGM, Gecko, Showtime and the Scifi channel. No copyright infringement is intended with their use.
For a moment, as his world swung wildly and his head throbbed in time with the beat of his heart, Rodney was certain that the giant man scowling at him was simply going to leave him hanging and rush into the trees after Sheppard and Ford. But as the dark eyes swept over him, a new fear filled him. Could he trust this stranger?
Rodney blinked, his eyes stinging as a mixture of sweat and sunblock rolled into them. He focused on the dangerous looking knife still grasped in the stranger�s fist and tried not to panic.
The man looked like an extra from Hercules or Conan, a warrior�and he stepped closer.
�Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.� Rodney flailed as if he could back away from the man, but he was helpless.
�Be still,� the surprisingly soft but gruff voice ordered as McKay continued to try to shrink back.
The stranger raised the knife and Rodney scrunched his eyes closed and curled his arms around his head, waiting for the sudden, inevitable plummet to the ground, but a solid muscular arm wrapped around his shoulders pulling him lower and straining his leg as the rope cut into his ankle. He heard the whoosh of the knife and the twang of the rope breaking and the tree branch snapping back. The arm around his shoulders tightened, holding him up as the lower half of his body hit the ground hard.
McKay let out a grunt as pain spiked through his abused legs and the warrior lowered him the rest of the way to the ground. As soon as he was able, Rodney tried to scurry from the huge man�s grasp.
�Stop.� A single, gargantuan hand pushed at his chest, effectively knocking him back down.
�Hey!� Rodney protested, pushing up on his elbows, anger and frustration overriding his fear. �I have had just about enough of being pushed around today. First Lorne with his �you�re his friend crap�, shoving me out into the open, and then Ford, shooting at me multiple times and dragging me around in circles on this godforsaken planet and now you��
�You�re hurt.�
��start pushing me around, too. I appreciate the help and all, but that doesn�t give you the right to�what?� Rodney stared at the filthy face and then followed the dark gaze to his leg.
�You�ve been shot.� There was no other warning as the younger man�s hand clamped down over the jagged tear in the leg of Rodney�s hazmat suit. Fire burned through McKay�s thigh and he gasped, struggling against the pressure. Dizziness and nausea swept over him as he fell back against the ground again. �Easy.� The grip eased a moment and he heard the thick rubber fabric sliced open before the horrible pressure returned. �It�s not bad.�
�Oh oh. Sure.� McKay waved a hand, accidentally smacking the stranger. �Easy for you to say. You�re not the one with the bullet hole in your leg, bleeding to death.� He opened his eyes to find the young man staring down at him with one eyebrow raised. �Sorry,� he muttered overwhelmed by a new wave of fear. How the hell had he been shot? Could this day get any worse?
As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he knew he was in trouble. Rodney could hear clearly now�someone was running through the forest, coming in their direction and wraith darts were zooming overhead.
The stranger heard too and somehow managed to draw and aim an awesome looking weapon without easing the pressure on McKay�s leg�just as a figure jogged out of the trees.
�It�s just me.� John raised both hands though he didn�t let go of his P-90.
The stranger lowered his weapon.
�What happened?� Sheppard approached, casting a wary glance up at the night sky.
�What happened?� McKay propped himself back up. �What happened? You left me with Lorne, and he let Ford kidnap me, drag me around at gunpoint all day and shoot at me.� He stared at John as the colonel looked everywhere but at him. Did Sheppard even care? �When I finally got away, I got caught in a trap. Ford almost killed me and then you left me to his,� he motioned at the stranger. �his mercy.�
�Ronon Dex,� John filled in.
�What?� Rodney asked, confused.
�He�s Ronon, and I hardly think Ford was going to kill you. Can you move?�
A dart roared overhead, but there was no culling beam. �We need to get out of here,� John added, his eyes searching the sky again.
�You got something for his leg?� Ronon asked. �He�s bleeding.�
John frowned, fumbled with his vest a second and threw a field dressing to Dex. �Hurry up,� he ordered.
Focused on Sheppard and the darts above, Rodney was caught off guard as Ronon tightened the bandage around his injured leg with a sharp yank. He cried out and his vision dimmed. There was no time to protest though as he was immediately scooped up and slung unceremoniously over Ronon�s shoulder.
Upside down again and disoriented, McKay could hear John urging them to hurry. Dex�s hard, armor covered shoulder dug painfully into his stomach with each jarring step. Exhaustion and fear warred within Rodney as he tried to block out the discomfort and stay aware of what was happening around him but the next thing he knew�he was being dumped onto the bench in the back of the jumper.
�What the bloody hell are you thinking, carrying him that way?� Rodney was stunned to hear Carson�s angry voice but the doctor didn�t give Ronon a chance to defend himself. �I just stitched you up, son. I don�t intend to have to do it again.�
Stitched Ronon up? Carson knew Ronon? What? Rodney felt a combination of relief and confusion as he looked around at the others, spotting Lorne and Teyla.
�What�s our status?� Sheppard demanded, pushing to the front of the jumper.
�Wraith still have the gate active,� Lorne told him. �We cloaked the ship as soon as they started dialing in.�
�Good.� John studied the HUD. �Your guys in good cover? Looks like we need to sit tight awhile.�
�Yes sir,� Lorne nodded. �What about Ford?�
�He�s gone.� John�s short answer silenced everyone for a moment.
�It was really Aiden?� Teyla asked softly.
John glanced at her. �Yeah.�
�What happened? Rodney?�
�What?� Rodney hadn�t realized Beckett was trying to talk to him. His thoughts were swirling. What did John mean�Ford was gone? Was he dead?
�What happened?� Carson asked again, squatting in front of him, trying to take inventory of any injuries.
�Which time?� Rodney snapped sarcastically. Ford couldn�t be dead. Seeing the lack of patience flash in Carson�s eyes he gestured to his leg. �I got shot.�
�Shot?� Immediately Beckett reached for his leg. �How?�
�With a gun. How else would I mean?� Rodney shook his head. By Ford! He wanted to scream it. He still couldn�t believe Ford had planned to kill him.
�It�s a graze.� Ronon spoke. �Took a chunk off.�
�A chunk?� Rodney looked at the runner and swallowed, his throat suddenly very dry. �A chunk?�
�Small chunk.�
Carson sat back on his heels, seeing that Ronon had done a decent job with the hasty bandage. There was no fresh blood and he obviously didn�t want to mess with it for the moment. �Aye, you�ll be alright.�
�A chunk.� McKay whispered, suddenly feeling the weight of his exhaustion again. He closed his eyes. Ford had really shot him. Aiden would have killed him as he�d hung defenseless if not for Ronon showing up when he did. Now, Ford was possibly dead himself. Had John killed him? God. A shiver ran through him and though he�d been hot all day, now�he suddenly felt chilled to his core. His body ached and his head felt outrageously heavy. He leaned back against the side of the jumper.
�Rodney?� Carson�s voice sounded far away and though he knew he should respond�he didn�t have the energy or desire to even try.
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John stared at the display before him watching the wraith darts skim the sky. One branched off from the others and disappeared through the event horizon. He cursed under his breath, hating that he could do nothing to stop them. If he tried to shoot them down, he�d draw attention to the very fact that they were there�that Atlantis had survived, not to mention it would kill Ford and endanger the men outside. But in letting them go�he was watching his chance to save Ford disappear. Could Ford survive? Even with super strength he�d be alone against who knew hoe many Wraith�would Aiden give up Atlantis or earth even? He thought of Ford�s cousin, remembering her question and feeling the weight of his own failure. He was responsible for Ford and he�d lost him�again.
�Rodney?�
John heard the concern in Beckett�s voice deepen and take on an urgency that filled him with a new fear. What was wrong with McKay? He�d been so focused on the darts and the gate, he hadn�t heard any of the conversation behind him.
�Rodney, stay awake for me now.� Carson pleaded. �Damn it.�
Sheppard turned and glanced to the back in time to see and hear Carson tell Teyla to get him another blanket from their supplies. �What�s wrong?� John demanded more harshly then he meant to. Lately, it seemed he always sounded harsh, even to his own ears.
�He�s starting to get shocky.� Beckett shook out the blanket that Teyla handed him and tucked it around McKay as he gently eased the scientist down onto the bench and put his legs up. �I need another blanket or something for under his legs.�
Teyla immediately slipped off her jacket and John watched, half amazed as Lorne offered his up too.
�He okay?� Sheppard found his voice as he stood and took off his own jacket, passing it to Lorne. Ronon tried to move out of Carson�s way, sliding down to the very end of the bench. The jumper felt crowded with all of them and Carson�s supplies but John wasn�t about to send anyone else outside.
�Aye, he will be. Has he eaten today?� Carson directed the question at John but Sheppard had no answer for him. He hadn�t seen Rodney since he�d sent him out with Lorne that morning.
�I don�t know.� He admitted finally, another weight of failed responsibility falling on him. He looked at Lorne.
The major shrugged. �Not with me, but I was only with him a half hour tops before we were attacked.� His eyes flickered to Ronon.
�Not by me,� the runner said simply.
�Ronon was already with the Colonel and I.� Teyla told him.
�Ford,� John whispered the name as movement outside caught his eye and he turned forward again. The last two darts were leaving. They would be able to return to Atlantis soon they just had to wait for the gate to shut down.
Rodney had been with Ford all day then. �He probably hadn�t eaten anything other than the power bars he keeps stashed in his vest.� John looked at Carson again.
�He didn�t wear the vest,� Lorne interrupted. �Insisted on wearing that stupid suit instead.� He waved to McKay�s bright orange attire.
�McKay�� John growled under his breath, cursing Rodney�s paranoia. He watched as Ronon began to work on undoing the rope still tightly knotted around McKay�s ankle.
�Suit kept his ankle from getting tore up.� Dex reported quietly. �Protected his skin from the sun here too.�
�Why the hell was he running around on his own in the dark?� John couldn�t help his anger. Didn�t he have enough to deal with without worrying that Rodney was going to go and do something stupid? Get himself hurt�or killed?
If he�d been with Ford, why hadn�t he just stayed with Aiden until they were found? Or brought Aiden in?
John knew he wasn�t being fair, even as the question crossed his mind. Ford had been determined he was not going to be brought in�at any cost. Aiden had drawn on John, forcing him to shoot him. Sheppard looked at Rodney again, knowing the answer to his own question even as Ronon answered.
�Your friend was trying to kill him.�
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�Why the hell was he running around on his own in the dark?�
Rodney was aware enough to hear the anger in Sheppard�s voice. Anger directed at him. Part of him wanted to protest and argue, to point out everything that Ford had put him through, but he was just too tired. He kept his eyes closed as the conversation continued. Would John believe what Ronon told him? Would he actually believe that Ford had changed so much? That Aiden was capable now of killing those he�d once joked with, fought beside and trusted?
Rodney could feel his heartbeat race even as he remembered the look on Ford�s angered face. He�d been helpless and he had known as Ford raised the P-90�.Aiden had intended to kill him.
The light grip on his wrist tightened, bringing his attention back to the current discussion. Carson had to be aware that he was conscious, but the doctor said nothing about it to the others.
�Ford wouldn�t.� John was adamant, McKay could hear it in his voice.
�No, disrespect, Colonel.� Carson�s voice was so close to him, Rodney almost jumped in surprise. �But Aiden is far from thinking clearly right now. You know that. The enzyme is effecting his reasoning, making him unpredictable and�� He paused and Rodney could hear him swallow. �Dangerous.�
�But why Rodney?� John wasn�t buying it. Rodney felt his heart constrict a little. Why did John suddenly doubt him so much? He�d thought, before they had returned to earth, that they�d actually attained a sort of equilibrium between them�a friendship.
�Yer forgetting,� Carson was talking again, the grip on McKay�s wrist didn�t let up. �I�ve seen Ford up close and personal this way, too. The lad pinned me to the wall like I was a wee fly just irritating him. He shot at me and threatened to kill my patient if I didn�t give him what he wanted. He�s forced you to shoot him, more than once. He�s capable of anything.�
�But he hasn�t really hurt anyone yet,� John countered.
Rodney found it interested that John seemed to forget that Lorne and his men had been stunned. Since when had that stopped hurting? Last he remembered it hurt like hell.
�Colonel, it appears that we are safe now to return to Atlantis,� Teyla�s soft voice interrupted but John obviously ignored her.
�Why the hell would Ford decide to hurt McKay now?� John pressed.
The words were out before Rodney had time to remember that no one but Carson actually knew he might be listening. �Because I shot him.�
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Rodney�s raspy statement stilled the entire jumper for a moment. John stared at his friend, anger seething. Who exactly was he mad at? He wondered as he glared in McKay�s direction.
�You what?� his words were sharp and hit their mark like blades. Rodney visibly flinched.
�Maybe we ought to head home?� Major Lorne interjected. John switched his glare to Lorne but the soldier didn�t back down. �I�d rather my men get to a safer location before the Wraith return to make sure they didn�t miss anyone.�
John knew Lorne was right. He turned back to the front of the jumper, scanning the controls. �Dial Atlantis,� he ordered.
Blocking out all his questions and the emotions that went with them, John focused on the routine trip home. He ordered those on foot through the gate first, and once assured by Atlantis that they were clear, he eased the jumper home. It wasn�t until he was piloting the ship with habitual skill into the jumperbay that he tried to figure out why he was so pissed off with McKay. Had Rodney really shot Ford? So, hadn�t he shot the man, too? But�Rodney? What kind of desperation had Rodney been driven to in order to actually raise his weapon against Aiden? McKay�s normal first reaction wasn�t usually to shoot a friend. Damn it. What the hell had happened back on that stupid planet?
Once the jumper was secure, John heard Carson immediately issuing orders to his waiting medical staff. Who had told Atlantis they needed a med team waiting? Why hadn�t he thought of that, first? John shook his head, ignoring Teyla in the seat next to him and turned to the back of the jumper, forced to wait until the med staff was gone before he could exit. Forced to sit and think some more about how much he had screwed up yet another mission.
John listened to Beckett order the tall dark doctor to escort Ronon to the infirmary so he could �examine him properly� and make sure this fieldwork had been competent. Sheppard noted that Lorne sent two guards along. His attention drawn back to McKay and Beckett, John expected Rodney to protest the idea of more manhandling but the scientist was uncharacteristically quiet as Carson and one of his assistants carefully helped McKay stand and maneuver onto a stretcher.
Rodney paused before lying down, his gaze meeting John�s, searching for something John couldn�t identify. Insecurity and sadness flickered in Rodney�s bloodshot eyes and John wanted to say something reassuring, to erase the coldness even he felt from himself, but McKay looked away, shoulders sagging wearily and allowed himself to be pushed down onto the stretcher. He didn�t even protest when the straps were pulled up over him and tightened.
Regret filled John and he closed his eyes. What the hell was wrong with him? He�d wanted to reassure McKay, but he couldn�t. He needed to push Rodney away and keep pushing until maybe the doctor would get the message�but what was the freaking message? Even he didn�t really know what he was trying to say.
�Colonel.� Teyla spoke and he forced himself to look up at her.
She looked at him with a mix of disappointment and understanding. �I can think of no reason that Dr. McKay would shoot the lieutenant save one.�
�Yeah, and what�s that?� he demanded impatiently.
Teyla�s expression hardened and he knew that he had now managed to anger her, too. �Why did you shoot Ford?� she asked almost accusingly.
His mind raced back to the planet and his conflicted thoughts as he�d pulled the trigger. �He was going to shoot me.� He stated it defensively, expecting her to understand�but she had already turned and was walking away. �What? He was going to shoot me first.� John buried his face in his hands wishing he could erase the whole damn day.
Images raced at him though bring him to the look of determination on Ford�s face turning to betrayal even as he continued to reach for his weapon. He remembered the desperation he had felt, running through the woods as he tried to pinpoint the sound of the gun fire, not knowing who or what was the cause. He could still vividly see Ford and Ronon wrestling, knives drawn, Ford rolling away and reaching for a stunner even while Rodney hung helpless from a trap.
�Oh my god.� John stood up suddenly. Bits and snippets of the conversation earlier came back to him, he�d been so focused on getting a report from Lorne, he hadn�t paid attention then. Now though, Carson and Rodney�s exchange finally hit home. Ford hadn�t just threatened to shoot McKay. John knew as certainly as he had shot Ford himself�while McKay was hanging there helpless�Ford had shot him. Aiden had shot Rodney.
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Rodney sighed heavily and found himself sinking into the chair behind him even before Sheppard was all the way out of the small meeting room. John didn�t look back.
�Okay.� Elizabeth breathed the word out as if she�d been holding her breath. �That went well.�
Snorting, McKay shook his head and glanced up at her. �If you say so.�
After spending three hours in the infirmary with Carson poking and prodding at him, with every sort of needle Rodney could possibly imagine, Beckett released him in time for him to shuffle his way up to the debriefing and listen to Caldwell rip Sheppard a new one. Just the way he wanted to end his day�or two days. He�d actually lost count of how long he�d been up now.
�How�re you feeling Rodney?� Elizabeth�s soft inquiry half startled him.
�Good, good. I�m good. That Ronon character was right. Just a chunk.� He waved at his leg. The wound still smarted and ached but it�d only taken Carson a few minutes to clean it up and stitch it. �Twelve stitches.� McKay couldn�t quite keep the waver of relief out of his voice. He didn�t go into the fact that the majority his time in the infirmary was spent getting his sugar levels straightened out and Carson watching him for more signs of shock.
�Have you gotten any rest?� Elizabeth�s eyes narrowed slightly and Rodney knew he wasn�t fooling her. She knew him better than anyone else around here and even if he could lie worth a damn�he couldn�t to Elizabeth.
�Planning on it.� Slowly he pushed himself up, taking another second to adjust to the burning in his leg with the movement, trying not to think about the fact that he�d actually been shot or that he�d shot Ford.
He forced himself to move again. At least he could walk without much of a limp. The last thing he wanted was to answer more questions about how he�d been injured.
�You did good, Rodney,� Elizabeth spoke as he reached the door and he turned back to face her, already shaking his head.
�I � I�.� He didn�t know what to say but he couldn�t quite believe her either. He�d shot Ford. No, he hadn�t really had a huge choice but still�he didn�t want to defend his actions or accept praise for them. He just wanted to forget it happened.
�Dr. Beckett told me you�re suppose to head to the mess and get something to eat,� she went on, saving him from having to come up with an answer.
�Going.� He pasted on a smile and started walking.
Rodney ignored the looks he felt as he went along, trying not to hobble. His mind kept going over his interactions with Sheppard. He couldn�t figure out what was going on between them. Why was John pushing him away? Did something happen when they were back on earth?
Swallowing the lump in his throat, McKay entered a transporter and hit his destination, wishing for a moment that the ride would take longer than it did. He just needed time to think and yet�he really didn�t want to think. Not about Ford, not about John and certainly not about the trip back to earth.
The Mess was almost deserted, thankfully. A small group of marines shared one table in the corner and, after going through the line and filling his tray, McKay found a table to himself in the opposite corner of the room. Eating alone. God, it reminded him of high school�and college�and earth.
He hadn�t been prepared for the contempt and attitudes back on earth, though in reality he shouldn�t have been surprised. Rodney had forgotten that no one there knew him, not really. He had made the mistake of assuming earth would be like Atlantis, but it wasn�t. Maybe Gall had been right when he�d said he had changed�too bad no one earth cared to notice.
McKay picked at the ham on his plate and pushed the green peas around absently. On earth, he�d pushed away the hurt that came and buried himself in his work instead, counting the days until he�d return to Atlantis�to friends. Then on the Daedalus, that�s when he�d realized that John was treating him different then before they�d gone back. Now, Sheppard was treating him just like everyone back on earth.
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John watched Ronon�s fight for control, seeing the emotion and shock in the Runner�s eyes even as the young man struggled to understand. There was nothing he could say to comfort Dex, there was nothing he could do.
Ronon walked away without another word and John watched his soldiers follow before turning back to stare at the screen and the devastated world the MALP was broadcasting back to them.
God. He couldn�t imagine what it would be like to look at your world and see it devastated, to realize that everyone was gone and yet�as he looked�he remembered. Those seconds when he was safe on the Daedalus and the Wraith were hurtling towards the unshielded city. As Rodney raced to power up the ZPM and raise the shield all John had been able to do was wait. There had been no radio contact and for those few eternal seconds- everyone was gone. Elizabeth, Teyla, Ford�McKay.
Sheppard frowned. He never wanted to have that feeling again, the fear, the emptiness, the sudden realization that he was alone. He just had to keep himself from forgetting and then, maybe if he didn�t let himself get that close again�
His eyes flicked away from the screen. If he didn�t let himself get that close again, he�d never be in Ronon�s shoes.
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Rodney stared at the transporter�s lit panel and let his hand hover for a moment as he debated where he wanted to go next. Carson had ordered him to eat and get rest. He�d obediently done the first, but even as tired as he felt, �he wasn�t sure he could handle the quiet solitude of his room right now. He knew though that he could find plenty to do. He could check on the experiments currently running in the main lab or better yet, he could make his way back to the control room. He was certain that, with a little uninterrupted concentration, he would be able to boost the sensors on the long range scanner. It wouldn�t be much, but maybe it would give them enough warning to evacuate in case the Wraith had been able to get information about the city from Ford.
Ford.
The dull throb in Rodney�s thigh twinged painfully as he shifted his weight and Rodney hissed. �Damn it.� He jabbed the panel, choosing the destination closet to his quarters and slumped heavily against the wall when the doors snicked closed. He�d leave the scanner to Zelenka for now.
He should have thought to ask Carson for stronger painkillers when the doctor had insisted he get rest. He wasn�t supposed to be up on his leg any longer than necessary. He shuddered as the transporter doors slid open again, trying not to think about how much a simple graze hurt. What would it feel like if Ford�s aim had been better? If Ronon hadn�t attacked Aiden when he had? McKay swallowed the sudden panic in his throat and commanded his stomach to quit flip-flopping. If Ford had aimed better�he wouldn�t be feeling a thing right now.
�It�s over,� he reminded himself as he pushed away from the wall. Thinking about what could have happened was pointless.
Stepping out of the transporter, McKay was surprised to find Ronon pacing the small hallway near the main section of residential quarters. Two stern looking marines had obviously been assigned to escort the newcomer and they now barred the man�s path.
Rodney didn�t know what was going on but he easily read the tension, the scowling expressions and the fact that the situation was close to spiraling out of control. One of the marines already had his hand resting lightly on his sidearm.
Inwardly, McKay groaned. He should walk away, he told himself. He needed to stay out of it, it was none of his business. He tried to rationalize, but he knew it wouldn�t work. He did owe the big guy.
�You can not go any further without Colonel Sheppard�s consent.�
Rodney listened as jarhead number one emphatically stood his ground.
�What�s going on?� he asked casually, managing to startle the other three. The marines spun around, drawing their weapons on him and he jumped back defensively. �Hey. Hey. Hey,� Rodney hissed as he stumbled, his leg buckling slightly. �Just me. Just me.�
�Dr. McKay.�
Rodney could hear the frustration and annoyance in the marine�s voice, but ignored it as he read the name �Mead� on his shirt and then glanced up at Ronon. The runner stood staring over their heads.
�What�s going on?� McKay asked again. The second marine�s name appeared to be �Burnes�.
�We can�t let him go into unapproved areas of the city,� Burnes, explained as if Dex wasn�t standing directly behind him.
�Sheppard has to okay it,� Mead filled in.
McKay looked at Ronon again, surprised to find the Runner watching him. Something in the warrior�s eyes hit home. �He can come with me.� He waved his hand indicating the soldiers should move.
�He can�t,� Mead insisted.
Crossing his arms in front of him, Rodney snorted. �Because why?� he asked caustically. �Your radios don�t work?�
Burnes had the intelligence to look embarrassed. �Uh�well.�
�Exactly,� Rodney snapped, waving his hand again. This time the two allowed Ronon to move past them. �Radio Colonel Sheppard and tell him I insisted. That way if he has a problem with this, you�re free to blame me.�
Rodney made it a point to ignore the radio communication behind him as he fell into a slow step beside Ronon. He knew that Sheppard was probably going to get onto him for interfering with a military issue, but he didn�t really care. What was one more wedge between them at this point? He�d seen the desperation and need in Ronon�s eyes and he had understood. It had reminded of him of how it felt when the walls seemed to close in on him and spaces grew too small.
It took longer than he would have liked to reach his destination and by the time they did, Rodney couldn�t hide his limp any longer. The balcony was straight ahead and McKay let Ronon precede him, stopping the two marines with one of his best scowls. �There�s no place to go out there. Wait here.�
�We�re supposed to stay with him at all times,� Mead managed to keep his voice level, but Rodney could tell the man was furious.
�Can you see him from here?� Rodney challenged sarcastically, pointing to the ornate wall of glass through which they could obviously see the entire balcony.
�Yes,� Mead growled through clenched teeth.
�Good. Then you�re obeying your orders.� McKay turned, not really caring that he was blatantly baiting the two and stepped out into the crisp evening air.
A brisk wind sent a shiver through him as he watched the Satedan.
Ronon stood at the rail, his fingers grasping it tightly. His head bowed and his shoulders slouched and seemed to shudder. It wasn�t what Rodney expected. He thought of walking to the railing, but the twinge of pain in his leg had turned back into a burning fire that crawled up and down his leg like hot needles stabbing into his flesh. He leaned back against the glass and simply studied the man before him, trying to figure out what was wrong with himself.
It wasn�t like him to voluntarily go off and take responsibility for some complete stranger, particularly one as fierce and intimidating as this guy. He crossed his arms around his middle, trying to ignore the cold as the wind picked up. Then again�Ronon hadn�t looked intimidating in the hallway. He�d looked lost and very young. Rodney wondered how old the man in front of him really was. How old had Ronon been when the Wraith had started using him as game in their twisted version of hunting?
�Thanks.� Ronon�s voice was thick with emotion and he didn�t look back at McKay. �I needed this -- to get outside.�
�No problem.� Rodney shrugged. �Figured I owed you.�
Ronon turned at this, his eyes intense and questioning.
�The tree and all.� McKay looked past the runner. �Ford.�
�Yeah.�
Silence fell between them again. Rodney avoided meeting Ronon�s eyes, concentrating instead on not shivering. The sun was nearly set; it�d be dark soon. Colder.
�My world is gone,� Ronon�s heavy whisper seemed to catch in his throat.
Rodney�s gaze snapped to Dex. �What?�
�Sateda.� Ronon blinked rapidly, his eyes darkening. �The Wraith destroyed it.�
�Oh God.� Rodney�s mind raced. An entire world�another entire world. That explained Ronon�s emotions. �You�re�the only one left?�
Ronon nodded and turned back to the ocean.
�Oh God.� Rodney forced himself to move, ignoring the pain as he stepped up beside Dex. �What will you do?�
Shrugging, Ronon shook his head. �Told Sheppard I�d help find Ford.�
�Yeah, well, I�m sure you could stay on here. Regardless�if you wanted.� Rodney nodded, completely unsure of what to say.
�Why?� Ronon questioned darkly. �Why would I want to stay here? So I can get to know you all and then watch you die, too? So I can get settled just to lose it all again? What�s the point? I�m not that stupid.�
Rodney snorted and shook his head, squinting out at the sinking sun. �Sure sound stupid to me.�
�What?� Ronon glared at him and though Rodney knew he was on dangerous ground, for some reason he felt it was important for him to press on.
�Look, I�m in no way saying that I understand or have ever felt what you�re feeling but closing yourself off because you�re afraid of getting hurt again? That�s ridiculous.� He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling exhausted as he sighed and went on. �God, if you actually have the chance at friendship and family, to belong to something�are you really going to reject it because you�re afraid?�
Ronon looked as if he wanted to strangle McKay but Rodney figured he might as well finish. Maybe the runner was listening.
�I�m the first one to admit I�m a horrible people person and I�ve watched more coworkers and friends die here,� he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat as Peter�s face flashed through his mind. �In the last year than in my entire life, not to mention how many times we�ve barely escaped without another loss. Hell, you think I�m happy about Ford?� His voice broke this time and he looked out at the dark churning water.
It took him a minute but then he took a deep breath and spoke again. �The point I�m trying to make�I�d never choose to go through this alone. I may not have many friends but I value what I do have, what�s offered to me at least.� He looked back up at Ronon. �It hurt to lose them but I wouldn�t trade the memories I have or the support we shared just to avoid the hurt of their loss and pushing them away.� He shook his head. �It wouldn�t have saved them either. That�s not living, Ronon, and even though Carson cut that tracking device out of your back�you�d still be running.�
He sighed wearily as the lights of Atlantis came on around them, making the sky and water seem even darker. He was wondering if Ronon was going to kill him now when John�s angry voice split the silence like lightning.
�What the hell do you think you�re doing out here, McKay?�
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Sheppard barreled through the halls toward the position Mead and Burnes had specified, making a mental list of all the different ways he could punish Rodney for sticking his arrogant nose into military business again. How the hell could he expect his orders to be followed if McKay constantly undermined them? He wondered if he could get away with confining Rodney to his quarters for a week or so, but figured the scientist would find a way around that. John was positive Elizabeth would never let him throw McKay in the brig either, but oh how he was tempted to try.
What had McKay been thinking, telling Mead and Burnes that Ronon could just �go with him�? Yes, Sheppard kind of liked the Runner and felt for him, but that didn�t change the fact that, for at least half a day, he and Teyla had been the man�s hostages. There weren�t a lot of protocols for this kind of situation, but John was doing his best with what he had. It infuriated him that McKay would so totally disregard him and his authority. He would have thought McKay'd think twice with dealing with the military...since Ford anyways. That's not fair, John reminded himself, still trying to come to grips with the fact that Aiden had really shot Rodney. What was Rodney doing wandering around Atlantis anyway? He�d told Elizabeth as soon as he�d arrived at the briefing that Beckett had ordered rest.
Coming around the corner, John saw Burnes and Mead standing on either side of the door to the balcony with Rodney and Ronon outside, clearly visible. Confused, he immediately slowed his step and told himself to calm down.
Burnes had insinuated that Rodney had managed to put them all into a volatile and potentially dangerous situation. What John could see looked simply like two men talking. It looked harmless.
He stopped in front of the soldiers and looked hard at each. �What�s the deal?� he demanded in a low voice.
�Sir,� Burnes spoke up. �We were following your orders and keeping the prisoner contained when McKay interfered and demanded we all come with him.� The young soldier sounded like a second grader tattling on his rival.
John glanced beyond Burnes and watched McKay awkwardly lean against the railing as he talked. favoring his injured leg. Another bolt of regret and disappointment shot through him but he shook it off and blocked all thoughts of Ford from his mind.
Neither Ronon nor Rodney were looking at each other, but everything appeared congenial and under control. �First of all.� He redirected his gaze back to Burnes. �Ronon is not our prisoner. He�s a guest who came here voluntarily and, until Dr. Weir confirms his security clearance, - you are to accompany him around the city.� He looked at Mead to make sure he was listening, too. �Secondly, next time- just use your damn radio and check with me instead of stirring up conflict with McKay.�
�Sir, he�� Burnes started to defend himself but a quick look from the Colonel cut his protest short.
�I,� John emphasized, �will take care of McKay. Understood?�
�Yes sir,� the marines agreed with obvious reluctance.
�Good.� John pretended he didn�t notice their demeanor and signaled for them to be quiet as he activated the balcony door. It slid open soundlessly and McKay and Ronon were too caught up in their conversations to hear him step out onto the balcony, or at least it seemed that way. John suspected that Ronon was aware of his presence but the Satedan gave no indication that he knew Sheppard had joined them.
�Sure sound stupid to me.�
John�s eyes widened at McKay�s comment and he stood there unmoving as he listened to Rodney go on. He felt suddenly as if the scientist had been spying on his thoughts and inner turmoil. Would McKay accuse him of being afraid? Somehow he knew the answer. He listened, with Ronon, to Rodney�s soft intonations and the stumbling emotion as McKay spoke of the lost and about Ford.
How could McKay sound so emotional about Ford? There didn't seem to be any animosity in his voice just... loss.
Would Rodney accuse him of not living? John wondered. He watched the two completely different men before and could see the emotion and exhaustion in both of them. Rodney�s words burned at him, hitting his own deep emotion and it erupted in the form of anger.
�What the hell do you think you�re doing out here, McKay?�
Rodney spun around with a startled gasp and swayed on his injured leg. John didn�t miss the way Ronon naturally reached out and steadied the smaller man. With surprise, he recognized the gesture and the look that filled the Runner�s eyes�protective.
�Do you mind?� Rodney got his barring back quickly. �Sneaking up on people is rude.�
John quirked an eyebrow. �Since when are you Miss Manners?�
McKay ignored the question. �How long have you been spying on me?� he demanded.
Ronon almost smiled. Yup, the Runner had definitely known he was there, John thought. �Long enough,� he answered. �Aren�t you supposed to be resting?�
�I�m fine,� McKay brushed him off. �I wanted some fresh air.�
�Uh huh, because the last day and a half wasn�t enough for you?� He met Ronon�s gaze and the Runner nodded. Without a word, Dex went back inside. John watched a moment as Burnes and Mead followed at a respectful distance.
�How long are you gonna guard him like that?� Rodney demanded.
�Till we�re sure he�s on our side,� Sheppard answered automatically, turning to face McKay again. It was the first time in awhile he�d really looked at his friend.
Rodney was beyond exhaustion. Sheppard could see it in the dark circles under the man�s eyes, in his slumping posture, everywhere.
�You shouldn�t have interfered with Burnes and Mead.� He tried not to sound as harsh as he had moments ago.
Rodney just scoffed and turned away from him, looking back out at the sea.
Sheppard stepped closer and leaned against the rail as McKay answered, �Yeah well, they should have used their brains. Ronon just needed a little space.�
�And talking to you gave him that?� John asked incredulously.
�Why is that so hard for you to believe?� Rodney bristled.
Sheppard shrugged. �Well, you are a horrible people person,� he pointed out and instantly knew he�d given away too much. Rodney might be tired, but he was still brilliant and it didn�t take a genius to figure out John had been eavesdropping on him and Ronon.
�No, I�m not,� McKay admitted honestly. �But you know�� he paused to make sure Sheppard was really listening now. �That doesn�t make me wrong.�
�Didn�t say it did,� he said it too quickly, defensively. He didn�t want to have this conversation now and McKay must have realized it. John watched as a mix of hurt and hope flickered in Rodney�s expression before the scientist looked away.
�I won�t interfere with your men again,� he said, clearing his throat and heading slowly for the door.
�Right.� John shook his head, knowing full well it would happen again�soon.
Pausing as the door slid open for him, Rodney looked at John, waiting until their eyes met. �Running isn�t living, John,� he said softly then turned and limped inside.
John stared after him, feeling as if Rodney had looked straight through him and seen everything he was trying so hard to hide. He bit back an angry denial. �I�m not running,� he muttered, wanting to shout it at McKay. He wanted to point out that he was still here, still doing the job, still giving the orders that no one else would give, still fulfilling his responsibilities and doing what needed doing. But even as he argued inwardly, his emotions overwhelmed him with the truth.
Pushing McKay and everyone else back to a distance he could handle�that was running. He was running from the potential pain, the hurt he�d feel if he lost one of them, too. He was closing himself off and the harder he pushed them away�the further he ran. All it left him was emptiness�and anger.
�Damn.� John ran his hands over his face. He thought it would be easy. He�d had it all planned since the visit back to earth. It wasn�t like he hadn�t tried this before, after Afghanistan�that had worked for him, at least it had until he�d arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy. He�d had it all planned. Come back, do his job, be authoritative and just live his life. What he hadn�t counted on this time was it being so hard. He hadn�t counted on McKay figuring him out and reading him so easily. Since when had Rodney gotten so perceptive anyway?
John shivered, realizing suddenly that he was freezing. He turned and looked out at the darkness and then back to the warm light of Atlantis. It was up to him how to go from here and he knew, finally, what he really wanted. He didn�t want to feel the pain of losing another friend to death�but he realized, honestly, that he didn�t want to keep running from friendship anymore either. He didn�t want to run, he wanted to live.
Rubbing his arms against the chill, John turned his back on the darkness and headed inside to warm up.
It only took a minute to catch up to McKay and ignoring the shocked look on Rodney�s face, John slowed and fell into a slow easy step beside his friend.
