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| the best medicine: laughter |
| 1 i love deadlines. i like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 2 even if you feed a cow cocoa, you will not get chocolate. 3 too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but only 4 to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker upside the head. 4 high heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead. 5 you oughta stop playing god, because you're not good at it and the position is already taken. 6 sometimes just looking at my parents, i wanted to bash their heads with a tired iron. not to kill them, just to wake them up. 7 logic is a systematic method of reaching the wrong conclusion with confidence. 8 sex is like air; it's not important unless you're not getting any. 9 a diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you're actually looking forward to the trip. 10 i used to have a handle on life--then it broke. 11 i think something really cute to tell a kid when they ask why it rains is "because god is crying." another really cute thing to tell them when they ask why god is crying is "probably because of something you did." 12 if only women could tell me what they want in bed: no dripping sweat in my eyes, no pinching of stimulated areas under your fingernails, if you can't find the hole, do not make a new one. |
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