Nine

My performance declined a little, but no one noticed. Remember, I had been a stellar athlete in the past few weeks as I tried to forget, and a little drop-off would hardly be noticed. A couple days and the Sabres showed up.

They flew to Ottawa in the morning, while we had our skate. I lingered around the building for a couple hours while they had theirs, lurked around in the shadows as they got on the bus, and followed them back to their hotel. Inauspiciously, of course. But I tell you what; this stalking thing was getting definitely easier with time.

I stood around outside the hotel for at least a half an hour, waiting on an unspoken agreement that I�d made with Miro. He came down the front stairs with the funny little half-running gait that men use when they�re coming down a flight of stairs in a hurry, and we slunk out to my car. Somehow it all went according to a plan that maybe one of us had thought up, spoken with our eyes, but it worked against all laws.

Before we�d gotten to the freeway we were clutching hands desperately, because have you ever tried to drive and kiss someone furiously at the same time? You really can�t, much as I wanted to. I peeled on and off the freeway, and once I think I may have nearly caused an accident, but to tell the truth I don�t remember. Maybe, maybe not.

In the garage, leapt out of the car, I hadn�t even gotten my keys into the door before we were kissing so hard I saw stars.

I wondered if you could bruise your lips?

Lips on lips, tongues winding and twisting and sliding. I giggled a little; lips are ticklish. They are! Dark eyes and hair and fair skin filled my field of vision as I tried valiantly to put the key in the door. In, turn key, unlock door, fall inside with a somewhat painful thud. The immediate pleasure of hands and mouth exhausted the pain, soothed it away and put it to rest. Still, thought I, I�m going to have bruises.

I struggled over to my bedroom, dragging him, shedding my shirt and then my shoes.

�I,� I pant. �I missed you,� sobbing breath. �So damn much,� heavy pant. �That I could die.� I have no time for more words, but the void was quickly filled with skin on skin, taut and sweaty.

He moved to take off his shirt.

Of his own accord.

�Miro, wait�� I didn�t know if I could stand to screw him and see his arms at the same time, the white scars filling my eyes.

�I�tried�not�to�for�so�long,� he said in a whisper, voice breaking, sobbing. �And I couldn�t, because if I didn�t�if I didn�t�I had to! And then I did, and I was okay again, but I�m broken inside, and I can�t�not�wanted, too bad for my suffering,� he mumbled, incoherent, and the tears wouldn�t come from his eyes, or couldn�t break the seal. �And then I was okay. And then I was okay.�

The words went right through me, stabbing until I wanted to scream. But I couldn�t, and instead I kissed him, kissed his eyes and face and held him by the wrists until I felt him stop breathing so hard and he kissed me back.

We slept together, slow and hard and better than ever, fell asleep and later I woke, picked my head off the pillow, rubbed my eyes and looked at Miro. His eyes remained closed, sleeping form breathing, and I thought to myself that I wouldn�t be the cause of something that let his soul die.

I lay my head back on the pillow and stared at the ever-familiar ceiling. When Miro spoke I jumped.

�You have nice hair,� he said sleepily. I quirked an eyebrow. �Color of the sun.�

�Uh, thank you, I suppose? No one�s ever told me that before.� Actually I was just grateful he hadn't seen me in my horrible hair-dying phase of my teenage years.

�Well, now they have.� He closed his eyes again.

�Hey, I talked to Mariusz,� I said slowly. I knew if I didn�t say it then, I�d say it at some other, more inopportune time, like in the middle of sex. This wasn�t much better, but hey, it wasn�t during sex.

�You what?� The shock in his voice was absolute. �Why?�

Um. Didn�t have a reason.

�Because I�because I�oh, fuck it, I can�t explain.�

�You can�t explain?� Disdain. Oh, sharp and bitter disdain, very near to painful.

�No��

God, why don�t I just throw myself out the window RIGHT NOW? I cursed myself.

�I applaud you for the effort but it wasn�t necessary, seeing as how I honestly don�t give two half-dead shits about something that happened years ago, Marian,� he said flatly. I could almost hear the �stupid child� he tacked onto the end in his thoughts.

I�m not a stupid child.