KIT 23 - On Retreat

Yes, it has really happened, "Years of dreaming, of yearning for
the cave. ... alone at last in the wilderness; the rocks, the
gurgling water echoing the wind, the sun pouring its magnanimity
upon this body near seventy. exulting in the merging with its
ground, mother earth at her most ravishing". These cells, the
sequel to those of the body of Pir-o-Murshid and of that lovely
being, my mother; so beautiful, so tender, so fragile, contrasting
with the majesty of that king of kings. Yes, that king of kings.

Today, it is fifty-nine years since he left his physical shroud of
which I am carrying a little cell that has proliferated a lot,
merged with the cells of my mother. I also carry something of his
manner of thinking, more so of his feeling, particularly when I
think of him most intensely, as I do now. How he longed for the
wilderness comes through clearly in his plays: "The Bogey Man",
"The Living Dead", "Una", and in the paeans of joy as he mused on
nature in the Gayan-Vadan-Nirtan. In the last days of his life, he
gave vent to his nostalgia for the way of the anchorite as he
encountered one on the banks of the Jumna. He said, "This is what
I would have done if I had not come to the West, but I was called
upon to demonstrate that one can maintain God consciousness in the
middle of the activities of the world."

Why then. the impelling, ever recurring dream of the cave? I ask
myself this as I exult in the night chill in the welcome warmth of
the wood fire in the cave I have so longed for. It occurs to me
that the glow of the sun I had enjoyed a few hours ago, the
initial outburst of the big bang, is vouchsafed to me in the
depths and darkness of my rocky reclusion by the bodies of the
trees that have stored that mighty effulgence better than I can,
kindling yet more light in my aura. So what am I escaping from? Is
it an escape from the very thing these logs are doing for me, from
the goodies of life, making life beautiful in the nitty gritty? To
pursue practical well-being, one would need to involve oneself in
life. But one needs to balance the giving out of energy in one's
worldly pursuits by rekindling. replenishing oneself at the
source. For a short spell, it is not an escape, but a very
necessary rededication. Pir-o-Murshid may have lived longer if he
had taken the opportunity to fulfill his dream and I am now graced
with this opportunity, fifty-nine years hence. What a grace!

This is therapy. Life communicates life, especially in the
silence, aloneness, the solitude. And what of the internal energy
emerging to resonate with the energy accruing from nature? The
dhikr dialogues with space itself has lost its meaningfulness.

I mused upon Buddha on retreat and imagined how he would have
loved to have a computer in the wilderness (pure conjecture).

While sitting in rapture amongst the glistening cascades and
pools, the rocks incandescent in the sun, the cacti, I reached
beyond the physical scene and it occurred to me that the more
breathtakingly beautiful nature is, the more splendid can one
imagine the fullness of reality behind it. Remembering how it
looked, I could now off-set my consciousness out of the physical
perspective. To do this, I had to let myself go and lose myself in
the rocks and water, wind and sun, to step beyond. The consequence
was that my sense of identity got totally shifted. At those rare
moments, one occupies a vast space, and identifies with the
universe. One can watch one's body and mind as one identifies with
a reality of a different nature to these. I tried not to attach a
label to the new reality by calling it intelligence, because I did
not want to slip back into a mind trip. As soon as one calls off
the activity of consciousness and meditation, one can see oneself
clearly as not being either body or mind. However much some
thoughts struck me as being relevant, I kept grasping the
intelligence behind it all. Actually, there are several layers of
the mind. If one lets go of the commonplace layer, an archetypal
layer takes over.

Remembering how the mind thinks ordinarily, I dismissed my mind.
and proceeded without objective or motivation, identifying myself
with my higher self. By imagining the splendor behind the rocks,
the flowers and the stars, one discovers that very splendor in
one's own being. Gradually, every aspect of one's being that has
become jaded becomes dispelled, until one literally becomes that
splendor. I asked myself, "Is splendor what we experience of the
heavens, magnified up there, or are we creating it out of the
latencies within ourselves by the act of glorification?"

It became clear to me that one cannot dismiss one's ego
personality in order to reach into the transcendental areas of
one's being; one needs to sanctify it, then it is easier to tow it
along with one in one's high quest. Idiosyncrasies get set in and
become nearly indelible. Only spiritual power will transform
beyond recognition. At a certain stage in the process, spiritual
power comes through, surprisingly. Spiritual power arises out of
developing the magnetism of the soul, which in time, arises out of
the emotion of the soul. The emotion of the heart, lovely as it
is, links one to the world.

The magnetism of the soul is other worldly. It represents a value
beyond life that moves all things. overriding the emotion of the
heart, great and beautiful as the heart's emotion certainly is. To
develop the magnet-ism of the soul is for the few because it means
giving up attachments and their accompanying concerns, which is
most challenging to our humanness. This signifies renunciation
which is undoubtedly the way of the ascetic. I know.... and yet we
are preaching fulfillment, accomplishment, unfoldment, which means
involvement. Can one ever reconcile these two irreconcilables? I
wish I had the answer. To honor one's personal loves, one covets
worldly power: as the protector, the patron. the provider. To
develop spiritual power, one needs to give up thoughts stirred by
human emotions. Then one asks oneself, "Who am I?" And one watches
one's involvement objectively. Now one can discriminate between
acting when motivated by attachment or by a sense of
responsibility and dedication.

In this perspective, one understands so well what Pir O Murshid
and the Sufi dervishes said in moments of cosmic consciousness:
The soul of a king, but one's self-image that has accrued to one,
owing to one's ancestral Inheritance, is the source of all
weakness. "Here lies the secret" One is cosmic, but one thinks
that one is inadequate because one is impressed by the evidence of
the body and the mind. Should one dismiss this identity, the
change that occurs proves quite unbelievable.

Of course, I am, you are, the being of God, however constricted,
spoliated, degraded at the jagged ends. But one needs to
distinguish between that aspect of one which is the Knower and the
Creator (I means God knowing Himself through that focalization of
His consciousness that is one's own consciousness, and by
manifesting His nature transpiring through one's personality) and
that aspect of oneself that is the means to fulfill this. Both are
God, but the second one is a deterioration of the being of God.
That is why Ibn 'Arabi says, "He Is both the Seer and that through
which He sees, but know whereby thou art God and whereby thou art
not God."  

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