;.cof Modi'in and the real world
;.l1,6,60,66,1,0,10,82,192,2,15,20,25,127,10,0,
;.l2,10,75,192,2,15,127,20,0,
;.l3,10,75,192,2,15,20,25,127,10,0,
;.l7,12,72,192,2,17,42,127,12,2,
COLLECTED SATIRES
    Steve Amdur, PO 23529, Jerusalem 91234
                  












l7

N.B.:  None of the "Kibbutz Eyn Kesef" satires are to bepublished nor otherwise circulated without my explicitpermission.
l1




.p

A  banquet of praise from Generals and Ministers
leaves hungry troops unfed.
    (Binyane Ha'amuna, 5th Ann. Sar-El Celebration)
-----       
POT-SHOTS

from an Oratorio, "We don't want any fish today" (Age 9)

"You can take your fish and stow it; none but you will rue or know it"

------------------
(from a currently lost satire, ca. 1975)

 ...the Red Squad's nightsticks knocked her all awry
(her plumbing don't work right unto this day)
So lumpy LIBBY, tamed by shrinks eclectic
screws the boss and swoons on her Selectric.

Call MERTON OF THE MOVEMENT to the fore
proud armband flapping as in days of yore
 ...his apologia (folks, that's his defendin')
is: " I'll pay any price to get my end in."

-----------

On a Professionally Gay Film Critic

Nuts to you, Dean Tutti Fruiti --
How duly do you do your doty duty --
eleven cinemas in endless repetory
slop stale American hash to every preppy Tory.


So STEWBALL was kicked out upon his ass,
whereon his fame did rest (alack a'lass).
           

-------
Running for President in '84
Gary Hart climbed Mt. Mansfield
half-way

-----
The old lady, mocked by her grandson
wears a pin
"Others".

-----
.P

My buddy BUCKLE BILL
chugs 3 Sunrises in one night
at 15 shek's a shot.
Cleaning the barracks
we found 5 shiny jukes
but he grabbed 'em first.
"That's free enterprise"
says Buckle-Bill.
----- 
My best friends's left;
disconsolately
I steal his clothes

-----
I owe you a satire, Kimmey
but I'll sooner get a grip
on a 5-foot bowling ball
in a thousand-gallon drum of warm cooking oil
than such a polished fatuous ass
as you.
------
The gang of 4 incorporate.
So I take out the trash.

----- 

Automatic stuck in his jeans
the bank guard
mists the potted plants

------------

Bing Crosby had a masnion
with 100 rooms
and if either one of his 2 sons
slept in any room
with a woman
Bing Crosby would disown him

    Refs:  Source, TV Documentary
           Allusion:  Song of Songs, "Solomon had..."

-----
on the ski-slopes of Israel's highest mountain
the snows measured 3 meters
horizontally

    Ref:  after Haya Leiter
-----
.a4
In the manner of Pound imitating the Chinese

Fools prefer fools
All the best
money, jobs, women and time
wasted



-----
LESBIA engaged
makes Kiddush over Bristol Cream
The Mitnogid condemns her
for leading others astray.
-----
CHAMETZ GADOL 
in he Chez Paris anglit
gon' mess with your mind, boy.
Lion baffled by  reflection in black hats
reverts to beast.

----------
  
FAUNTLEROY is mellow:
he can stand anything,
and stand up for nothing.

-----
*
Tell him the time, he'll argue

---

TOP DOG`s become
Master of Entropy
by mating
a maximum capacity to foster disaster
with reciprocal unwillingness
to let go the controls.

------------

With no single action
could he more efficiently
have tripped himself.

------

TOP DOG off to  war again --
let the Home Front breath easy.

-----

MACHER the Executive Elephant
has a staff of 10
to pick up after him.

-----

Mayday! MACHER pays on time!
I run to deposit in bank.
Stray dog with burnt meat.

-----
Very very cloak and dagger
all my office buddies --
flies in late autumn.

-----
I didn't do
half of what they think;
and they don't know
half of what I did.
-----

Arik Sharon landed at Ofra and said
"What do you want?"
And all the people answered,
"Build us a factory!"
Now Ofra has a factory
with nothing in it.

-------------
The chevre of Honnaton train for a year
at supervising workers
& sitting on committees.

-----------
Sentimental Eclecticist

She loves a brit; so quaint despite the baby
and feeds her Seder as a snack to the Fishy-Folk.


----------------------------------------------

Learning not to eat meet
from living sheep
Crusader Rabbit stamps out avoda zara.

------------
In Israel
you can trust anyone with you life
and no-one with your money.

-------------------------------------------------
Peres names his party EMET --
now it lacks nothing.

    (Heb. 'emet' = truth)
-----
"and Avraham dwelt in Beersheva"
as pennance.
-----           

"Tradition!"

The sons of the desert
rise before dawn
wrap their heads in kaifa
and close their shops at mid-day
despite cold winter rain.
-----
in Looking-glass land
the fools of Chelm
are the Rabbinute
.P
                             AN AS YET UNIDENTIFIED SECT

                            ( or:  INSTAMATIC IN CHELM)

Tales of Kibbutz Ayn Kesef ("Silver Springs")


Furious Fingers

Behind backs
their uninvited guest
writes satires.
               (Think's he's Grosz:  write  pun; 's Kant metaphor.)

    Refs:  Lashon hora:  gossip, "backbiting"; lit. "angry   	      tongue" 
           
-----
"Those on the level of Chelm,"
said the Rosh Yeshiva of Ayn Kesef,
"graduate."

-----

HOFSHI bonds like a free radical;
the Chief of Security
declassifies her ass.

-----
Unlimited ingenutiy:
with whatever he gets
the Exponential Loser CAN DO
another Tower of Babel.
-----
The Fire Chief
kept all the hoses in a locked shed
"in case of fire
heaven forbid"
But next summer the window broke
and stayed broken
because it was nobody's job to fix it
thank Heaven.

For safety's sake
Ayn-Kesef's  fire hoses
are locked up.

-----
Ayn-Kesef  scrupulously observes the Shmita
without changing anything.

--------------------------------------------
On the brows of their Tzaddikim
the local Vipers rest.

-----
The MACHER works tirelessly
to fleece the GOLDEN GOOSE.

-----
For the sake of aesthetics
the road-signs lie unpainted.
-----

*MOISHELE THE BOOK-BURNER
shleps to Shtetl Ayn-Kesef
on his pre-Pesach Pilgrimage
to offer strange fire.

-----
To honor our Law and holy tomes
the Beit Midrash is sold to goyim
for the feast of Exodus;
shleppers sleep in the dirt.

-----

*POPINJAY's cousin the Great Blackbird
has enough brains for two
fortunately.
-----
Locked outdoors, I curse in vain the business ventures of those whosecapacity to fail is unlimited.
Each investment a new challenge to zero-growth economics.
Unceaasingly they try every way to make money except work.
Stuck in the business of being deemed religious, they are noisly halakic.

----------
Losing exponentially,
he prudently reserves his birth-right
to mortgage his soul to the Devil.
-----

-----
*RAILROAD BILL
don't even piss
without estimating the angles;
and if the sun must shine
he'd prefer it don't do so on his town
without discussing arrangements.
If he tells you the time
request a second opinion;
if he shakes your hand
count your fingers.

-----






"Forest fire!"
"No problem:
Arabs will come put it out;
if they need help
they'll call us."

------
"Snakebite?"
"Don't look bad,
but if you can't breathe
give me a call."
-----
My nice neat summer shirt
is locked up in Shmuel's darkoom
which is locked in thae dirty linen house
of Yehudit.
   To launch a nuclear missile
   two American marines
   present keys simultaneously.
-----     

Won't stand guard
don't fight fire
but begrudgingly troop
before a red sun:
miraculous survival,
thanks in duplicate.
-----
     
Smoke pot, get vampires.
Lower mezzanine, upper mezzanine
Black and white magic
Astral Enforcers.

-----
   This never happened

She shleps home to Chelm 
with baby Miriam
on a cold wet Christmas eve
they show her the gate.

------
His cast-off hippy kippa
(pro-forma cowpie necktie)
recalls exemplary
hypocricy.
----

.p
 
Brother Din-din corrals men
into the house of prayer;
answering, heaven sends him down
only daughters.

-----

Din-din is perfectly qualified
as Minister to Dr. Sourham,
oblivious to the distinction
of right from left.

---------

Watchman watching out for the Watchman

Din-din guards the Holy House
with gas heaters and electric light
leaving, l'havidil
all the outside darkness
to the stars.

-----
Din-din invincible:
hold up his his half and he says
"don't work too hard."

-----
Torah rock
teach Torah
to rocks.
----- 
black embalmers
hallow sheol
wrong-way Corrigan
Din-din

------------

In the style of Emily Dickinson, superficially
 
"Believe"ing "with a perfect faith"
he's made the sea his world
accommodated to his mind  ----
how soon the edges curl!
.a4
----------------
l"--3/4"                    

For 13 years
Kibbutz Eyn-Kesef
has had a firehose and a faucet
for every house
but no firehose
has ever had a a coupling
to connect it to the faucet.
The Vadikiim 
wait patiently.
-----

The Boy who Married the Girl Next Door

Workin' hard and flyin' high,
holding on with all he's got
to the control panels
of his F-16
sofa; searching
thorugh the outer reaches of inner space...
"Lost somethin'?  Won't find it theah."

-----
Pious Housebreaker

Priase to the skies
he broke in a took leave
through the window
with everything
including the 2-shekel menorah.

----

Polish MBA Oleh

The meter reader said Shalom
walked next door
read my meter
cut the circuit
left a bill
and drove away.

        Moshav Modi'in, 2/14/89

-----
And yet
if our Rebbe said
the moon was made of green cheese
and we're all going there for shal shudes,
I'd forgo the cholent
at lunch.
.p

DISTILLED GENERIC INSULTS:

Not 'beneath contempt'
but not, either
above it.

-----

I don't know who
  you think you are
      or I am
but you're wrong
on both counts.

------

To a Creditor

As soon as you can use 'em
I'll buy you a a pair of ice skates
if you go to Helen Waite.

    American joke:  "Our credit manager is Helen Waite..."
-----
An Halakic Insult

I would not call you a pefect idiot
for it is forbidden to say a man's face
his full measure of merit.

	:"Nobody's perfect"
  
------
.p
POSTSCRIPTS

"Eretz shelanu," she cries, reconfirming her flight.

Insulated by exigencies, she lets passion flare up like a match.


