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Bury your head in the barcodes of these neocolonials

Wow,  my night has been extremely fucking boring.   I've had nothing to do, so I'm sitting here staring at Front Page getting wasted.   Fun.  How fun, you ask?  Let me tell you...

1:56 AM - Got home from a friends house.

1:59 AM - Walked around the house looking for something to do.

2:05 AM - Started drinking beer, fucked around on my guitar.

2:30 AM - Tried to think of something funny for this page.  Sat around some more, listening to the same gay ass MP3s.

2:35 AM - Rolled the mouse wheel up and down and stared off into oblivion. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.  I can't believe I did this for 15 minutes.

2:50 AM - Continued with my drinking, I think this was when I hit the 5 beer mark, not sure though.  Stared off into space.

3:00 AM - Realized I was staring off into space.  Pissed or something, I fell off my chair for the first time around this point.

3:03 AM - Made sure no one saw me fall.   The cat did, so I immediately began plotting its demise.

3:10 AM - Finished plotting and got back into my chair.  Started drawing up the schemetatics of a ray-gun so that I could complete OPERATION: DEAD CAT.  Made several posts to terrorist frequented message boards, inquiring about the prices of a professional cleaner.

3:15 AM - Got impatient with the lack of the replys and with my inability to construct the fucking laser gun.  So I dropped the microwave on the cat and chucked its remains out of the window.

3:20 AM - Someone was knocking on the door, so I opened it.  To my surprise the cat had arisen from the dead.  The zombie cat walked in and proceded to eat the brains of my roomates.

3:32 AM - Sat back into my chair, and decided to update my webpage.  Started staring at the monitor again.  Loaded up Front Page.  This completes our trip through time.

In the middle of typing that shit out, I fell out of my fucking chair again.  I now lay spread out on the floor, craning my neck to see the fucking screen.  It sucks down here, but fuck it, I'm not getting up,  not until tommorow.

-somah

archives are this way

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9/06/01 (12:53 am est)

Nostalgia and my continual pursuit of conformity

I've updated the archive page, it matches the newer color scheme now.  While going through those old pages, making sure everything still works I noticed that I'm not nearly as angsty as I once was.  There hasn't been a serious hardcore rant in a long ass time. No huge bitch sessions, no 5 million word diatribe ridiculing modern society, nothing.  I've become Mr. fucking comedy central lately, with these lame ass parodies, and ridiculously absurd, random updates.  I've sold out.  Fuck that,  I'm just biding time with this humor shit until I can cycle back into depression.  Anyway, in an attempt to restore the anger to this page I'm going to perform the following experiment.

THE EXPERIMENT

1) I need something to rant about, and I'm fresh out of topics. I asked my roomates, the dog that belongs to the people next door, and the register chick at the Circle K, to see if they had any suggestions.

2) The vicatins I ate are hitting harder then I thought, because I don't remember asking any of those people that question. (note: I didn't ask any of those people, ok?  I haven't left the room, pretend I did.)

3) I went to Ask Jeeves and asked that fucker.  He's a snide butler, so I know he'll be able to provide me with an answer.

This was returned on my search query of, "What should I rant about?"

4) Off I went following the link, so I could further educate myself on Gay Boys.  I know shit about Gay Boys and I need something to fuel angst for the rant.

5) This step should actually go right before step 3.   Following step 2, I got bored and looked at pornography for about 15 minutes.

6) At this point my screen went blank and my CPU began chugging like a frat boy with a beer bong, as three hundred and sixty million pop-ups bombarded my screen.  Apparently, I had initiated some cryptic line of code that triggered a self-destruct sequence within my computer.

7) Everyone within 6 city blocks of my computer evacuated their homes.  Christians began to pray and sinners repented as my computer exploded, for surely Armageddon was here.

So now I have something to hate... GAY BOYS.  Those scheming, conniving fuckers destroyed my computer.  Given the opportunity, I will terminate every single one of them.  I'm sick and tired of these assholes being allowed to destroy computers.  It repulses me to think that they are allowed to continue their pathetic existence alongside my own.  If I could die to save humanity from their kind, I would.  I'm going to fucking vomit.  Fuck you all.

There, I'm happy.  That was just like the good old days and shit.  I can sleep now fulfilled.

-somah

new and improved archived shit

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9//03/01 (3:06 pm est)

Lies.. all fucking lies.

I'm a big fucking liar.  I didn't update, I didn't even think about updating.  I spent all weekend getting high on airplane glue, and drinking freon.  I spent all weekend in a hospital getting my stomach pumped.  I spent all weekend dreaming of God, and Jesus, and streets of gold.  I huffed more airplane glue.  I saw a million  Afghani's rebuilding  millennia old stone carvings, and  I drank more freon.  I watched Americans shrugging off brain control.  I watched them detonate malls, billboards, and shopping centers.  I huffed some freon and drank some glue.

I received an email from a friend this weekend, its one of those petitions to right political injustice, via scare tactics and bandwagon techniques, finalized with the phrase, "IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU."  After reading through the rhetoric, I came to the conclusion that it should be passed along, or at least displayed in a public forum.  Its about the current Afghani regime, and their continual plans for religious and ethnic cleansing.  Check it out here.  Do what you want with it, I'm not going to demand that you email it to all your retarded friends or anything.

Enough sociopolitical diatribe, I'm over it.  Now on to comedic portion of today's update.

Yay, yay, for local news.. From CNN.com:  

Homeless man becomes McDonald's millionaire

HOLLY HILL, Florida (AP) -- A former homeless day laborer had a happy meal at a McDonald's over the weekend.

McDonald's corporate managers awarded Patrick Collier with a $1 million prize they said was randomly given out as part of the restaurant chain's effort to restore consumer confidence in its sweepstakes promotions.

Managers approached Collier, 35, and his fiancee, 29-year-old Sandi Fabian, as they sat down just after 10 a.m. on Saturday to have breakfast.

"I thought I had done something wrong, but I was confused when they handed me this certificate telling me I had won a million dollars," Collier said.

Collier and Fabian had been frequenting the restaurant for about six weeks and lived across the street in a hotel room they shared with Collier's mother. Just months ago, they were homeless, sleeping on cardboard boxes and earning $50 a day as laborers when they could find work.

McDonald's said the restaurant in Holly Hill, about five miles north of Daytona Beach, was one of five selected at random to distribute five $1 million grand prizes. Fifty people will also be given $100,000 awards during the giveaway.

McDonald's announced the promotion in the wake of an FBI investigation last month, which found that an employee of a marketing company contracted to run McDonald's Monopoly game allegedly stole more than $13 million in winnings.

Nancy Izquierdo, a McDonald's spokeswoman, said team members choose someone to receive the prize without any criteria.

"It's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time," she said Sunday.

Collier said he already has super-sized plans for the money.

My search for a picture of a bum was unsuccessful.  Here's a naked chick instead.

Hoo-fucking-rah for the mechanics of consumerism.  In an effort to make up for one contest scam, McDonalds goes out of its way to wash the grime from its sullied reputation, and gives some random crackhead off the street a million bucks.  Unbeknownst to corporate McDonalds, we at Living in Conformity have subvertly infiltrated McDonald's Company HQ, and came away with the following paperwork that details future schemes for contests and world domination.

From the desk of Ronald C. Mcdonald, III

Employees:  Due to the recent success of Operation: TRANSIENT, we will now add the following contests to our bi-monthly routine of hip, clever, marketing schemes disguised as easy to win contests.

• Eradicate the Hamburgler - In this annual contest, marketed to tweeners (children ages 7 - 12), random gold tickets will be placed inside Happy Meal boxes.  The recipients of these gold tickets will be issued various handguns, and given the opportunity to terminate that thieving bastard, the Hamburgler, with extreme prejudice.  A small monetary award will be granted for each bullet placed into key locations on the Hamburglers anatomy.  The part of the Hamburgler will be played by a black man, because we know that all black people are thieves.

• Funny Food Fuck - Participants (based on a random drawing) will be given the opportunity to compete for a one thousand dollar gift certificate at one of our food chain locations.  In this contest, players will attempt to stick various McDonalds food products into obscene and abnormal orifices of their opponents body.  We hope to have all lubricants provided courtesy of Gay Men Monthly, because we know that all gay men are debaucherous faggots.

• Exploit a Muslim in the name of Capitalism - This contest will run hand in hand with our current agenda of denying the existence of meat, or its by-products in our fresh baked french fries.   Effective immediately, all salads will first be soaked in cow's blood before served.  All salad dressing will contain the additional ingredients: horse glucose, dog liver oil, llama intestinal bile, and pig feces.  A poll will be established, the winner to be based upon the person who has correctly guessed the amount of time it takes our company to be sued, following such altercations to the menu.  We know that we will in fact be sued, because it is common fact that all Muslims are militant, greedy bastards.

I'm redoing the archives page, so go there tomorrow, not today.

-somah

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8/30/01 (8:31 pm est)

I carried their anthem, convinced it was mine.

Holy sheeeit... 10 days without an update.  I have a logical explanation... trust me.  Actually I have a multitude of reasons and you, the reader, can pick and choose as you like.

Reason 1 - I joined the French Legionnaire, and I'm currently updating via a tin can and string, live from the Sahara Desert.

Reason 2 - I was being held against my will by several militant, cyborg-ninjas, known as the Foot Clan.  I was rescued and whisked away by 4 heavily armed men dressed as large turtles.

Reason 3 - I'm a lazy fuck, who would rather sit around and masturbate, rather then update this fucking lame ass page.

Reason 4 - I've been wandering around the United States spreading merriment, good will, and curing leprosy.  I have also recruited 12 apostles to help further my hidden agenda.  I also have plans to be stapled to a large cross on a hill, and rise again for another page update in 3 days.

Reason 5 - I volunteered to become a Scout Master for local Boy Scout Troop #562, increasing my ability to covertly molest small children.

Reason 6 - This list has been drawn out long enough, and I only added a 6th reason to make the update appear larger then it actually is.

I know, I fucking know... I suck.  I fully realize that this miniscule, microscopic, 30 second, premature ejaculation of an update hardly makes up for my total failure to provide anything within the last 2 weeks.   I will now take this time to offer the true reason that I've been MIA:  I've been busy attending to the furtherment of my education.  I've got it all taken care of, and will now make amends with this honor bound, blood brother, spit shake, word is bond promise.

I promise not to neglect you fuckers ever, ever, again. 

DISCLAIMER: s0mah is not responsible for any false promises, made, suggested or otherwise implied.   s0mah takes no responsibility for your gullibility, ignorance, and or innocence.    In all actuality, if s0mah could think of a way to exploit those possessing the aforementioned attributes he would. <send me your money> Furthermore, neither s0mah, nor Living in Conformity will take responsibility for hidden, subliminal messages strategically placed within this text <send me your money>.

-s0mah

old shit's in the archives!

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8/20/01 (3:08 pm est)

No need to worry about tomorrow, everything is blowing up today.

Sorry about missing the Friday update, I forgot.   Anyway it gave me time to think... Think and masturbate.  I listened to the radio.  I listened and became disgusted.  I destroyed my radio with a ninja kick.  Some guy, who's name escapes me, was explaining the dangers of overpopulation and entertaining comments from the listeners.  The people who called in were a group of complete fucking undereducated biomass.

Host: Thanks for calling the show, what's your question caller?

Caller:  Yeah, I would like to say that your guest speaker is a maniac.  Speaker, do you believe that TREES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THEN PEOPLE?

Speaker:  Well, not actually ma'am.   I never said that.  What I said was that trees are more important then you, and that we will feel the crunch of overpopulation in the near future.

Caller:  You're a hippie.  I think you should go to church and get SAVED.  Then get married and have a few children, and have a normal life.

This caller's comments made me stop and think.   Maybe having a multitude of children IS the solution to overpopulation.  I have a plan!!!

SOMAH'S IMPREGNATE THE WORLD CHALLENGE

1)  Effectively immediately, I will begin to initiate sexual intercourse with every female that I know.

2)  Any female who chooses to resist will be slain.

3)  I have poked small holes in every condom that I own, in order to achieve maximum results.

4)  I have began to store semen acquired through ritual masturbation in large 25 gallon "impregnation" drums.  I plan to fill thousands of these and store them in an abandoned nuclear silo.

5)  I have worked out a deal with the Latvian government involving myself commiting bizarre sexual acts with potatoes and vodka.   In return they have agreed to loan me five intercontinental ballistic missiles.

Operatives prepping ICSM's for a tactical strike.  Death to the infidel.

6)  I need to take a piss,  skip this step.

7) These missiles will deliver a "payload" consisting of three thousand tons of frozen sperm to various hotspots across the world.  These strategic strikes will target locations notorious for young, fertile girls...  Daytona Beach during spring break, the Mormon headquarters in Utah, and the Annual Conference for Drunken Naked Cheerleader Virgins.

8)  The missile aimed at the aforementioned location will be launched when someone actually creates such an organization as the Annual Conference for Drunken Naked Cheerleader Virgins.

My demands are absolute, my plan infallible.   The overpopulation problem will be soon be solved.

-somah

old shit's in the archives

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