...living in conformity... |
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archives |
8/09/01 (4:00 pm est) Doo Doo Doo CLONES! I'm sick of hearing the debate about clones. I'm over it. Everywhere I go I hear at least 3 or 4 homegrown philosophers debating the moral logistics of stem cells, dead babies, and the responsibilities of science. Here's a solution... kill the religious right. Destroy them all. I've killed 5 Christians today, and I haven't even left for work yet. I plan on running over at least 7 more on my way to my job, and probably a few more while I deliver pizza. I'm tired of scientific progress being halted over primitive concepts such as god. If I were a scientist I would make it a point to dig up Jesus Christ's rotting corpse and grave rob his stem cells. He could be my own personal savior.
Imagine the possibilities of possessing your very own Jesus Christ, son of god. Bring him out for parties and have him change all your tap water into wine. Favorite friend die in a car wreck? Jesus Christ, son of god, can bring him back to life, good as new! Too poor to buy enough bread to feed your family? Make Jesus Christ, son of god, feed them. I want my fucking Jesus clone and I want it now.
----- 8/08/01 (5:37 am pst) Insomnia Once again I writhe in the grasp of insomnia. I have nothing to do, and sleep seems at least an hour or so away. SURPRISE UPDATE, ninja style. I've been sort of meandering through webpages, looking for something entertaining and I've found nothing but pron, porn, more porn, ad naseum, ad infinitum, ad Latin word that I can barely translate here. I feel this site has been lacking lately, due to the fact that I haven't been real whole-hearted about updating it. Its becoming a stale knock off of the one billion other WebPages, run by one billion other web designers, complete with its own generic form of super exaggerated humor and "wacky" randomness, that I'm sure you can get elsewhere. So in a last ditch kamikaze effort to be original, I present to you the following ideas for a new format. 1) Somah's Crazy World of Kung Fu Movie Reviews - Nothing but endless lines of text describing KUNG FU MOVIES. Who could ever forgot the final deathblow dealt to end boss what's-his-name in Enter the Dragon? What about Jackie Chan's superb moves in Super Cop 3: Escape from an Indonesian Sweatshop? Or even "Sweep the leg Johnny!!!!" Now presented to you in painstaking detail, an accurate depiction of your favorite Karate movies recreated via the written word! No expense will be spared as you bear witness to such verbal treats as:
Kung Fu movies not to your liking? How about this? 2) 300 hundred recipes that I will never try - Being a strict vegan, I don't gorge myself with the same repugnant foods that you carnivores seem to crave. This format would allow me to list 300 ways to prepare various foods that I myself will never eat. Why only 300 hundred? Only God himself will ever know. HINT: I don't know 400 recipes. 3) People who are free for chat on ICQ at 6 am - If knowledge is power, this is an atomic bomb. Sleepless night? Know who to contact and what to talk about, as I copy and paste line after line of fantastic ICQ discourse. Here's a small sample:
Feel free to contact me and let me know which one is your personal favorite. ----- 8/07/01 Umm.. I'm not sure how to say this, but I died. I am officially a corpse sitting in a funeral home, waiting to be stuffed like a bloated, rotting, flesh pi�ata. How did I die, you query? That's easy enough to explain. It seems that I had large blood clot in my penis, and it was shaken loose during a masturbation session. The clot, which I always assumed was a mutant testicle, broke free from its bonding and proceeded directly to my brain, leaving me a dead mother fucker. I'm not here to talk about how I died. I'm definitely not here to explain how I expect anyone to believe this story. I'm here to speak on the afterlife. Upon entering this ultimate state of death, I expected a few things... a light at the end of the tunnel for starters. Let me dispel the bunk, that's all bullshit. I didn't see any damn light penetrating the inky darkness of some perpetual hallway. I didn't see demons or fire, or streets paved with gold. All that I saw were millions of floating sheets with little holes cut out for eyes. GHOSTS WERE EVERYWHERE. To make it even worse they were all named Casper, and all of them were eating Boo Berry cereal out of little phantasmal bowls. Ok look I've beat this gay joke to death. I can't even fool myself anymore. I know for a fact that the majority of you have hit the back button and moved on to a different site. You others are still here for the sole sake of personal torment. So without any further dialogue and to ensure your presence at this page tomorrow, I present to you PORN!
----- 8/03/01 (10:39 pm est) Paging Matlock... Ugh, I apologize for the lateness of this update. Evidently I've offended a major organization or twelve, and there has been 3, count them 3, major lawsuits filed simultaneously against your humble site operator. I received the following letters early this morning. Legal threat number 1!! From: [email protected] I nearly swallowed my cigarette after reading this. I searched all over the page for any usage of the phrase, "fat, lard asses" and to my surprise I found none. I have however used the following terms... "disgustingly overweight", "pudgy fucks", and "tremendously over-sized fat pieces of whale shit, who all should die and rot in fucking hell." Well actually, I have never publicly made that last comment until about 3 seconds ago as I typed it. I will however, take credit for it now. All you fat, lard asses can proceed to sue me. Legal Threat Number 2! From: [email protected] After a thorough reading of this email, I quickly called my attorney, Mike Welch, and asked him if there was any validity behind the pending lawsuit. Here is what he had to say: "While I'm not positive if they have any actual basis for a lawsuit, I am fairly certain that they can't actually send you to hell or anything... I mean, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Just repent as you lay in the throes of death like the rest of us plan to and you should be fine. Fuck, no one believes in God anymore anyway. What kind of power does a deity really have if he doesn't have any followers? Besides, its not like you called the Virgin Mary a fat, lard ass or anything." Mike then proceeded to sing a song with this whimsical gargling noise, that approximated that of a man choking on a doughnut and the phone immediately disconnected itself. I can only suspect that Mike in his great haste to prove my innocence to the eyes of the Lord and America's fine legal system, ran off in such a hurry that he ripped the phone from the wall. Legal Threat Number 3! From: [email protected] Apparently this email was sent by one of the following:
Have a good weekend.
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