Quotes

I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blond. - Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under may arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door . . . if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

I think - therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant! - Carol Leifer

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ANNOUNCING SEMINARS FOR MEN

COURSE 001 - COMBATING STUPIDITY

COURSE 002 - YOU TOO CAN DO HOUSEWORK

COURSE 003 - PMS: LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

COURSE 004 - HOW TO FILL AN ICE TRAY

COURSE 005 - WE DO NOT WANT SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS FOR CHRISTMAS

COURSE 006 - WONDERFUL LAUNDRY TECHNIQUES (FORMALLY DON'T WASH MY SILK)

COURSE 007 - UNDERSTANDING THE FEMALE RESPONSE TO YOU COMING HOME AT 4:00 A.M.

COURSE 008 - PARENTING: IT DOESN'T END WITH CONCEPTION

COURSE 009 - GET A LIFE: LEARN HOW TO COOK

COURSE 010 - HOW NOT TO ACT LIKE A JACKASS WHEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY WRONG

COURSE 011 - UNDERSTANDING YOUR INCOMPETENCE

COURSE 012 - YOU, THE WEAKER SEX

COURSE 013 - REASONS TO GIVE FLOWERS

COURSE 014 - HOW TO STAY AWAKE AFTER SEX

COURSE 015 - SEX 101: YOU CAN FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT IT IF YOU REALLY TRY

COURSE 016 - SEX 102: MORNING DILEMMA: IF IT'S AWAKE TAKE A SHOWER

COURSE 017 - HOW TO PUT DOWN THE TOILET SEAT

COURSE 018 - THE REMOTE CONTROL: OVERCOMING YOUR DEPENDENCY

COURSE 019 - HOW NOT TO ACT YOUNGER THAN YOUR CHILDREN

COURSE 020 - YOU TOO CAN BE A DESIGNATED DRIVER

COURSE 021 - HONEST YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE MEL GIBSON, ESPECIALLY NAKED

COURSE 022 - THE OBTAINABLE GOAL: OMITTING "$#!*" FROM YOUR VOCABULARY

COURSE 023 - FLUFFING THE BLANKET AFTER FARTING IS NOTNECESSARY

COURSE 024 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

Please register immediately, as courses are in great demand!
Class size will bel imited to 10, as course material may prove difficult.

submitted by Becky

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HELP WANTED:

Permanent Position. 7 days a week. 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. Must be a self-starter and proficient in home maintenance, nursing, gardening, child rearing, purchasing, crisis intervention, small appliances, first aid, teaching, laundry, cooking, housekeeping, dish washing, activity director, vet, domestic relations, accounting. Good problem solving and organizational kills. Ability to communicate a must. Must possess a current drivers license. Days off- 0. Holidays-None. Sick leave- only in case of death(yours). Salary-$0.
"Welcome to motherhood! Although the monetary reward may be nonexistent the other rewards (the smiles, hugs, kisses and small indications of movement towards independence) are what leave us with riches that far out-weigh anything monetary."

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