On this morning, I sat on the swing Dad had just tied to the old lightening struck bee tree, overlooking the garden. I slowly rocked in the swing, creating my story in my mind. Dreaming someday I would make a real book with words in it so others could read it. Quietly a girl came near me, her name was Stormy Thew. Stormy never came to our house I don't really know why she was there that day. She sat on the grass next to me and said: "I hear you someday want to write a book." I was shocked; I'd never told anyone this before. Of course, now I suspect, my Mother must of guessed this. Stormy told me she enjoyed writing and would like to write a book too. I know Stormy could have written a book, she had a hard life, writing must of been a source of comfort for her. Then all so quietly she left. But as she had left I did not yet feel alone. Someone was near me overlooking the garden. I never experienced that feeling before in my life, I felt strange. I left my peaceful swing and quickly fled into the house to be surrounded by my family.
Time has marched quickly on. I married and moved to Massachusetts. Soon two children, a boy, Philip and a girl, Marie, graced our home. Hard times came financially for our family, so we decided to move. My brother Randy lived in Provo, Utah. It seemed as good a place as any, so we decided to move there.
As we traveled to our new home we stopped first to see my parents in New York. I had hoped to visit my brothers and sister there too. I went to visit my Grandmother before I left. I had my camera and asked her permission to take her picture with my children. She was always too embarassed of her crippled hands to let me do it before. This time she agreed to the pictures. I thanked her, and told her I would probably never see her again. I couldn't see how I'd ever afford to come out to visit her again. Inside my heart I knew she would die before I ever had that chance. I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her and left.
I arrived in Utah in September of 1989. I was expecting my third child. On October 27th being sick with toxemia, I was induced, Garrett arrived three weeks early. He was a beautiful healthy baby. In December my parents called to say Grandma had passed away. Even though I had expected it, I mourned.
Around 2 o'clock that next morning I went into the children's room to feed Garrett. Philip and Marie were quietly sleeping nearby in their bunk beds. As I rocked my baby, I felt Grandma come into the room. I did not see her, yet I knew exactly were she stood. My mind knew she was allowed to visit her posterity before her spirit left this earth. She saw my sleeping children, and I showed her the baby she had never seen until this point. Then I bore her my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I told her to listen when others came to tell her more. I believe she felt pleased and satisfied. Then her spirit was gone.
The hard financial struggles were not to be over for my family. As I saw the last of my savings depleted and my husband still unable to find any kind of employment, my soul seemed to bare no more. Others told us we were lazy and counseled us to take any kind of job. At the same time they wounded us with those words, because as of yet, no type of job was being offered. I saw my husband, Bill, thrown rejections for even the least of jobs everyday.
The cruelest blow came when a man, we had trusted, lied to us and kept the security deposit money he had promised, and we desperately needed. As I called my brother and told of my heartache all he said was "Well Renee, let me ask you? What is Bill doing about a job?" I felt so hurt and in my misery I sought to end my life. I could not go on; life had no purpose, I felt only despair.
I lay on my bed in the deepest sorrow, surrounded by darkness and despair. Suddenly I felt Grandma come to me. I could feel of her love and concern for me. Her love enveloped me and lifted my torn heart. I felt her say: "It's only money...It's only money....It's only money" I knew she was right. It was not yet my time to die, and not in that manner. I felt my burden lightened and paused to lay all my trouble upon the Lord and right myself before God.
I pressed forward in my life. I sought to do so many things. I took joy in being busy. I homeschooled my children, served as the district leader for homeschoolers. I had a daycare in my home, sewed my clothes and sought a clean home like my sister-in-law Tami. I was deeply involded in doing my genealogy. I served two callings in the church. Studied herbs and other various subjects, to gather a food supply, grow a garden, and learn to cook out of it and use it. I do believe I attempted to do a bit of everything well. I started to have one cold after another. I felt it weak to rest, so I just stubbornly pressed on.
In early July of 1991, I came down with the flu, but this time I had a terrible headache with it. I began to wake at night with night sweats, so bad I needed to change my clothes. My headache was there for over a week. Then I had a low grade fever. We didn't yet have medical insurance, since the job my husband had didn't quite keep our heads above water, I just hoped my flu would go away.
By mid July, I wasn't any better. I had had many blessings but as of yet none seemed to help. On a Sunday morning my family went to church as I lay in bed to rest. As I went to get out of bed, to get a book, I felt my lifes energy go from me. I was so weak that when my husband came home I needed his help to walk and my speech became slow and slurd.
I went to the doctor. Because I didn't have insurance, and the doctor didn't know what was wrong with me, I was given an antibiotic and told to come back in a few days if it didn't seem to work. I grew sicker, my body was covered in a rash and my fever went up. Soon I was back to the doctor again. They started to do blood work on me. I tried as well as I could to tend my children as my husband went to work each day.
One morning I went to feed my children breakfast. I decided to cook some eggs. In the proces of doing so I felt strange darkness start to close in on me, I was going to faint. I felt my left side go numb and my right arm also. I sent my children to get help from our neighbor, I feared I was having a stroke. Soon they came back upset, not sure what to do. They were too terrified to follow my directions. I made it to the couch and had them bring me the phone. I called a friend in my ward and asked her to send someone to help me. Then I collapsed on the couch, the numbness left, but I was so very weak.