Halftime
By Aaron Ziegler
alziegle@norcia.cs.csbsju.edu
http://bingen.cs.csbsju.edu/~alziegle

Chapter 8: Cooking Time

   Akane stuck her head outside of the front door and carefully
looked around. Not seeing anyone, she opened the door the rest of
the way and hurried out. She had a brown paper bag stuffed under
her arm. Just as she reached the front gate, she heard the very
voice she had been hoping to avoid. "Hey, Akane! Where're you
going?" said Ranma from the rooftop, where he was balanced in a
one-handed hand-stand.
   Akane gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. "Out," she
answered.
   "But where? This is the third day you've been gone!"
   "None of your business," Akane answered, and slammed the front
gate behind her.
   Akane's been acting really weird lately, thought Ranma. As
soon as she gets home from school, she's out the door again. She
doesn't even train anymore! I'd better see what she's up to. Not
that I care or nothing, Ranma hastily assured himself. Some part
of his sub-conscious rolled its metaphorical eyes in response.
   Ranma flipped onto his feet and vaulted down to the ground. He
dashed out of the gate in time to see Akane running around a
corner. He followed her, being careful to remain just out of
sight. In time, Akane arrived at the gates of the Kunou mansion.
What does that tomboy want here? wondered Ranma. It couldn't
be...
   Ranma watched Akane ring the bell on the front gate. Ranma
crept closer, hiding behind a tree close to the Kunou gate.
Satsuke, Kunou's faithful ninja servant opened the gate. "I need
to see Tatewaki," Akane told him sweetly. Satsuke nodded once and
vanished in a puff of smoke.
   Ranma's mind was reeling. It was true! Akane was seeing...
Kunou, of all people!
   But you don't care, right? the same bit of sub-conscious asked
him innocently, She's just an uncute, violent, tomboy...
   Shut up, Ranma answered the errant bit of psyche. He ran
around the tree and shouted, "Akane! What are you doing?"
   "Perfect!" smiled Akane. She grabbed a rock from the ground,
and threw it into the tree above Ranma's head.
   "Huh?" said Ranma, and looked up just in time to receive a
bucketful of water in the face. "What'ja do that for, you
tomboy?" Ranma demanded in her new, higher voice.
   "You'll pay for that tomboy crack," grinned Akane. "In
about...three seconds." Akane dashed around the corner.
   "Huh?" said Ranma again, and prepared to follow.
   "Aha!" said Tatewaki Kunou, sweeping Ranma into his arms,
"'Tis not Akane who graces my humble home, but my lovely
pigtailed goddess! Yet, I cannot truly blame Satsuke for his
error. Your beauty is more than sufficient to dazzle the eyes of
one such as he."
   "Gaak," answered Ranma, unable to breathe.
   "She speaks!" Kunou said in ecstasy. His arms loosened enough
for Ranma to wriggle free, "How my heart soars to hear your
lovely voice! Please, grace my ears with more of your perfect
speech!"
   "DIE KUNOU!!!" Ranma screamed, punching him back through the
front gates (which Kunou had closed behind himself).
   As Ranma stomped off, Kunou slowly sat up among the splintered
remains of the front gate and mumbled, "That didn't hurt." He
then collapsed back into unconsciousness.
   That tomboy set me up! seethed Ranma as she turned the corner.
As she had expected, Akane was nowhere to be seen. Irritated,
Ranma turned for home. I gotta find out what Akane's up to! I'll
follow her again tomorrow, and try to do a better job of staying
out of sight. And don't you say a word! she said, feeling a smug
chunk of his mind beginning to ask a snide question. I just want
to make sure she's not getting into trouble. It's my duty as her
fiancee. That's all.
   Meanwhile, Akane had started to jog. That idiot! Akane
grumbled to herself. Now I'm probably gonna be late. Why'd he
have to follow me? It's none of his business what I do with my
spare time.
   You could tell him the truth, part of her mind suggested.
   No way! she answered it. If I told Ranma I was taking cooking
lessons, he'd just laugh, and tell me not to poison my teacher.
Besides, I want it to be a surprise. I'm gonna cook the best
dinner ever served in our house, and Ranma won't get any of it!
Akane smiled at the thought of Ranma on his knees, begging her to
cook for him.
   Must you always fight with him? part of her mind sighed.
   It's his fault, Akane answered defensively. He always starts
it. He's always insulting my food, or hurting P-Chan, or calling
me a tomboy-
   You are a tomboy, her mind reminded her dryly.
   Well, he says it like an insult! insisted Akane.
   You seem to want everything he says to be an insult. You
always blame him whenever Ukyou, or Shampoo, or Kodachi is close
to him, though you know very well it's not his fault.
   But-
   You smash him whenever you catch him in...awkward situations,
even though you know it was accidental, and he wasn't trying to
be a pervert.
   He is a pervert!
   And you call him a pervert, even though you know how much it
hurts him. It's not his fault that he fell into that pool in
Jusenkyo. It's not his fault that he's your fiancee. And it's not
his fault that so many women are after him.
   Well, everything else is his fault! Akane retorted. Her mind
merely sighed in response.
   Akane's destination, one of several apartments, came into
view. Akane pondered her good fortune. The day after Robo had
suggested she find someone to teach her how to cook, she had
begun searching the local newspapers, in the hopes of finding
someone with a cooking class. To her surprise, she found
Dakochi's advertisement. Dakochi had been looking for a student,
and offered extremely reasonable rates. Akane was glad that she
had answered the advertisement before anyone else.
   Still, her sessions with Dakochi were not quite what she had
expected. For the first couple of days, Dakochi made Akane cook
in her usual manner. So, Akane would heap together the usual
ingredients and produce meals of varying toxicity, while Dakochi
watched her intently, scribbling in the notepad she always
carried with her. But yesterday, Dakochi had promised to actually
teach Akane how to cook something at their next session. That was
today! Akane could hardly wait.
   Akane bounded up the front steps and rang the doorbell. After
a few moments, the door opened. Dakochi, wearing her usual white
lab coat, stood there frowning. She looked crossly at Akane
through her thick, wire-rimmed specticals. "I was beginning to
think that you weren't coming," she scolded.
   "I'm sorry!" Akane answered. "I was...delayed."
   "Hmph. Well, don't let it happen again." Dakochi's demeanor
shifted, and she smiled. "Are you ready to try your hand at some
real cooking?"
   "Oh, yes!" Akane followed Dakochi into the apartment.
Dakochi's dwelling was not large. It consisted of a kitchen, a
bedroom, a living room, and a bathroom. The living room was
filled with Bunsen burners, beakers, glass tubing, and other
chemistry stuff. Evidently, Dakochi was a chemist as well as a
cook. There was also a cage full of white mice.
   The two of them reached the kitchen. Akane set down her brown
paper bag, in which she carried her cooking utensils. "I thought
that it might be a good idea to start simple," said Dokachi.
"Today, I'm going to teach you how to boil rice." Dokachi reached
into a cupboard and pulled out a bag of rice. "But first, I want
to try an experiment." She pulled a pair of tweezers out of a
pocket of her lab coat, and gently pinched a grain of rice from
the bag. She carried the rice to the living room, while Akane
followed with interest. Dakochi knelt beside the mouse cage, and
poked the tweezers into the cage. Before long, one of the mice
sniffed its way over, and took the grain in its tiny paws. It
stuffed the grain into its mouth contentedly. Dakochi watched
intently for a few seconds and then muttered, "No reaction. Just
as I expected." She scribbled in her notepad for a few seconds,
and walked back into the kitchen.
   Akane followed, bemused. "What was that all about?" she asked.
   "Oh, nothing, nothing," Dakochi answered. "Now, here's what
you need to do. Fill that pot halfway with water, and pour some
rice in..."
   After a few minutes, Akane was well underway boiling some
rice. "Great!" smiled Dakochi, "Now, call me when the water
begins to bubble. I'm going to be in the living room running some
tests." Dakochi left.
   Akane stood there, stirring the rice occasionally. Soon, she
became bored. Rice is so boring, Akane thought. It doesn't even
taste exciting. I know! I'll add some spices! That ought to make
it better.
   Akane walked over to the nearby spice rack and looked at the
labels intently. Now, what sounds exciting, she thought. Ginger?
No. Cinnamon? No. Ah, saffron sounds interesting. So does thyme.
But which should I use? Well, if one is interesting, then both
should be even more interesting!
   Akane took the two containers, along with a few other spices
that caught her eye, and carefully mixed a portion of each into
the rice. Then, with another thought, she emptied the containers
into the pot. That should do the trick, she thought. She
continued stirring, and found that it was much harder to do so.
The pot was now filled with a viscous brown goo. But it does
smell more interesting, thought Akane. Then she noticed a single
bubble rise laboriously to the surface of the gunk and slowly
pop. Ahh, it's started to bubble. "Dakochi!" she called, "It's
bubbling!"
   Dakochi rushed in. Her eyes widened at the nauseating brew in
front of her, but she made no comment. "Er, right. Well, now turn
off the heat, and drain the water. Be careful not to pour any of
the rice down the drain."
   Akane followed her instructions, and carefully tilted the pot
over the sink, allowing most of the brown goo to ooze out. The
pot now contained a mound of brownish rice grains. The smell was
strong, but it was hard to say whether it was a good smell, or a
bad smell. Akane triumphantly held up her creation. "I did it!"
   Dakochi said nothing, but grabbed a grain of rice with her
tweezers. Once again, she walked to the living room and fed the
grain to one of her lab mice. This time, however, The rodent
turned a distinct shade of green and began spasming violently. It
rushed to the cage's water bottle, and began to suck on it,
swelling like a balloon. After doing this for a while, the mouse,
now a furry ball with little dangling legs, breathed a sigh of
relief and lost its green pallor. The water bottle was empty.
   Dakochi looked at Akane questioningly. Akane sighed and said,
"Well, I guess I'd better try again."
   Several hours later, the grueling session was over. Dakochi,
through some miracle, had managed to help Akane boil an edible
pot of rice, and Akane was eager to put her newfound skills to
the test at home. "Goodbye!" she called, running out the door.
   Dakochi sighed with relief. She hoped that she wouldn't have
to put up with Akane much longer. Carefully, she copied down the
name and quantity used of each of the spices that Akane had used
for each toxic pot of rice. Soon, she thought, soon I will be
ready. She threw back her head and laughed a piercing, evil
laugh.
   Halfway down the street already, Akane shuddered at the sound.
What was that? she wondered. Her mind then returned to her
previous train of thought. She knew Ranma too well to expect him
to give up following her already. But he wasn't likely to fall
for the same trick twice. Slowly, Akane came up with a plan. Her
eyes lit up mischievously. Yeah, that should do the trick. Akane
giggled quietly to herself in anticipation.
   The next day, Ranma carefully hid himself in the branches of a
tree, and waited for Akane to exit the house. There's no way
she's gonna see me now, he thought. His patience was rewarded, as
Akane cheerfully skipped out of the house and down the street.
Ranma quietly followed, constantly keeping some object between
himself and Akane. Once again, Akane made her way to the Kunou
residence. She stopped, and looked around carefully. She waited a
few moments expectantly, and then looked at her watch. Seemingly
satisfied, Akane continued on her way.
   Ranma chortled to himself. Ha! She didn't see me. Ranma
carefully left his hiding spot and started to move across the
road to get to another, being very careful to stay well away from
the tree Akane had boobytrapped the day before.
   Then, a bicycle bell chimed. The color drained from Ranma's
face. Seconds later, the inevitable impact. "Sh-Shampoo!" Ranma
gasped, straining to get the bicycle and rider off of his chest.
   "Ranma!" shouted Shampoo, deliriously happy, "Shampoo not
expect see you here!" She hopped off of her bicycle and grabbed
Ranma up in an amorous embrace.
   "Please, Shampoo, I'm busy," protested Ranma, attempting to
pry Shampoo off of him.
   Shampoo looked crushed. "Too busy talk Shampoo?" she asked,
looking ready to cry.
   "Er," said Ranma, sheepishly.
   Shampoo decided to take that as a 'no'. "Good!" she exclaimed
cheerfully, and glomped onto Ranma again.
   "Erk," said Ranma, and struggled free again. Ranma sighed,
realizing that he would never catch up to Akane now. "What are
you doing here, anyway?" he asked Shampoo.
   "Shampoo make ramen delivery, of course. Have six boxes ramen
noodles for Kunou mansion. Help Shampoo for to carry?"
   Ranma sighed, knowing Shampoo was fully capable of carrying
six times that amount. But why not? Ranma hefted a few boxes and
followed Shampoo to the front gate.
   Shampoo rang the bell, and the door was soon answered by
Satsuke, the Kunou family's personal ninja. "Have large order
ramen for Kunou," said Shampoo.
   Satsuke looked confused. "Er, we didn't order any ramen."
   "Is gift. You take ramen, and I find card."
   Satsuke took the boxes of ramen while Shampoo rummaged in her
pockets. Eventually, she found the card and handed it over.
Satsuke, carefully balancing the ramen, read the card, and looked
at Ranma oddly. He then read it aloud, "'To my dearest Tatewaki,
from your loving Pigtailed Goddess.' Well, if you say so."
   Ranma and Shampoo's jaws dropped. "What?" they exclaimed.
   "Wait! I didn't write that!" exclaimed Ranma. But it was too
late. Satsuke had vanished with the ramen and the card.
   A few moments later, Ranma and Shampoo could hear Kunou's
happy voice yelling, "Yes! The Pigtailed One has finally found
the courage to return my boundless love! My heart soars with
joy!"
   Ranma and Shampoo, a bit sickened, turned to leave. Akane!
thought Ranma. She set me up. Again! Well, I'm still not giving
up. Not if she sets everyone in town in my path. I will find out
what she's up to.
   At the same time, Akane was thinking, This is actually kind of
fun. Hmm, how should I nail him next? I know!
   The following afternoon, Ranma was following Akane again. This
time, Akane had tried to throw Ranma off the track by going
straight to her destination from school rather than stopping off
at home first. Clever, thought Ranma, but not clever enough. He
stepped out from behind a telephone pole, and immediately tripped
over something.
   "Ranma Saotome, you will pay for what you've done!" cried a
familiar voice.
   "Mousse," Ranma groaned, "Not now!" Mousse's glasses were down
now, a sign that he meant business.
   "Silence! I will hear no more of your lies!"
   Ranma was becoming irritated. "Look, you know that you can't
beat me, so just shove off!"
   "No one can defeat a Master of Hidden Weapons forever! Defend
yourself!" With a flick of the wrist, Mousse retracted the heavy
ball and chain he had flung across Ranma's path. The massive
object disappeared into Mousse's voluminous sleeves without a
trace. Then, with another flick, a small silver cylinder appeared
in his hand. Mousse twisted it, and a yard-long beam of green
light extended from the end. The device produced sort of a
humming sound.
   Ranma was astounded. "When did you get a light-saber?" he
asked, barely dodging Mousse's strike. The weapon sliced easily
though the wood of the telephone pole behind him, which collapsed
to the ground amid a shower of sparks.
   "That's light-SWORD," snarled Mousse. "You want us to get sued
for copyright infringement!?!"
   "Sheesh, sorry," muttered Ranma. "But whatever it is-" Ranma
dodged another wild swing, which carved a deep scar into the
sidewalk, "-you obviously aren't very good at using it."
   Mousse seemed to agree, as the light and cylinder vanished
into his robes. Just as suddenly, an ugly box was in his hands.
"See how you fare against my Hypno Wave!" he laughed, flipping a
switch on the box. Abruptly, Ranma felt dizzy. He collapsed to
his knees, feeling a severe wave of fatigue wash over him.
   So...tired, he thought, his eyes beginning to close. He
glanced over to Mousse, and almost laughed. Mousse, too, was on
his knees, eyelids drooping. Suddenly, Mousse recovered, and
slammed a switch on the box. The dizziness stopped, and Ranma
stood up.
   "Stupid box," muttered Mousse. "I didn't know it was going to
affect me too. No matter." Mousse stashed the box away.
   Ranma wasn't about to see what other new toys Mousse had up
his sleeves, he leapt at the bespecticaled warrior, intending to
pound him into submission. His forward motion abruptly ceased,
and he felt an iron grip around his body, pinning his arms to his
sides. Looking down, he saw that he was tightly held in the grasp
of some kind of robotic claw. The claw was attached to a long,
thin, multijointed arm, which, in turn, disappeared into Mousse's
sleeve. Mousse laughed, and raised his arm above his head. The
robotic arm mimicked his movements precisely. Mousse swung his
arm down, and the claw pounded Ranma into the pavement with
jarring force. Mousse flung his arm outward and opened his palm.
The claw pitched Ranma into a wall, where he slid to the ground,
stunned. Before he could take advantage of his freedom, however,
the claw had grabbed him again. This was not turning out to be a
good day.
   Mousse swung Ranma around again, and this time accidently
knocked over a water hydrant. This was exactly what Ranma needed.
The jolt of cold water shocked Ranma out of the daze of pain she
was suffering. But more importantly, Ranma's female form was a
little bit smaller than her male form...
   Using the water as an additional lubricant, Ranma popped
herself free of Mousse's metal claw before it could adjust to her
new size. She ran along its length and jumped onto Mousse's arm.
"Nyaah!" she nyaahed, sticking her tongue out at her antagonist.
   Furious, Mousse bent his arm, trying to get the metal claw to
grab Ranma. Ranma jumped out of the way, and the claw slugged
Mousse neatly across the jaw. He staggered back. Seeing that
Ranma was too fast to be caught by the arm now that she knew of
it, Mousse retracted the arm into his sleeve. "Well, when all
else fails," he muttered, "go with what you know." Mousse leapt
into the sky, and whipped his arms around. Fifty or sixty heavy
chains erupted from his sleeves, each tipped with a hook, weight,
or blade. Ranma, standing on the sidewalk, saw them coming a mile
away. She ducked to the ground, and the arsenal of chains passed
easily over her head, crunching into the sidewalk behind her.
Mousse landed on top of an intact section of fence, the chains
dangling limply from his sleeves.
   "That was pathetic!" jeered Ranma, "You're so blind you
couldn't hit me if I was standing right in front of you!"
   Oddly, Mousse smiled. "Who says I was trying to hit you?" he
chuckled. He suddenly pulled the chains taut.
   Ranma heard a grating sound behind her, and turned around. The
chains had snagged a huge square of cement from the sidewalk, and
had pulled it free. Ranma barely had time to gasp before the
block was on top of her, pinning her to the ground.
   Ranma heard Mousse's confident footsteps approaching, and with
the strength of desperation, managed to shove the cement off of
herself. Ranma felt drained. How could Mousse be defeating her?
Where did he get all of those gadgets? Gadgets? Uh oh. Lucca's
voice sprang unbidden to his mind, "I bet I can make new weapons
ten times as painful as the ones he has now!" I guess it's time
to pull the old Saotome Family Secret Technique. Ranma turned
tail and began to run for his life.
   "Oh, no you don't, you coward!" screamed Mousse behind her.
Ranma heard a buzzing sound rapidly getting louder, and dodged to
the side to avoid whatever new threat Mousse had pitched at her.
Unexpectedly, the buzzing sound also shifted to the side. Ranma
felt something touch her leg, and abruptly she sprawled to the
ground, twisting in midair to land hard on her back. Her breath
was knocked out of her. Before she could draw another, Mousse's
metal claw slammed down, each pincer burying itself several
inches into the concrete on either side of Ranma's neck,
squeezing her throat painfully against the ground.
   Ranma wheezed and grabbed the pincers, trying to force them
apart. She might as well have been trying to push the moon out of
orbit. She devoted all of her effort towards filling her lungs,
and managed to draw a painful breath. She couldn't move her legs
at all. They were being held together by something, but the claw
prevented her from seeing what. Then, Mousse was standing above
her, a scowl on his face. "Finally, Ranma, you shall pay for
taking Shampoo from me, and pay dearly!" With a flick of the
wrist, Mousse was holding a sword in his free hand. "And to
think. If it was not for Lucca, I might have had to wait much
longer for my revenge. As it is, it took me a week to decipher
her accursed user's manuals, but it is all worth it now."
   "What did I do?" choked Ranma, eyeing Mousse's sword
fearfully.
   "Don't play stupid with me!" Mousse snarled, "You're not
qualified!" Then he blinked a few times. Ranma looked at him,
confused. "Wait, that didn't come out right," Mousse muttered.
Then he straightened, "At any rate, Shampoo told me about your
little kiss yesterday!"
   Now Ranma was really confused. "Kiss? What kiss?"
   This seemed to startle Mousse. "You know, when you vilely
accosted her at Kunou's? The one that lasted for hours? That
kiss?"
   "There wasn't any kiss," Ranma insisted.
   "Are you suggesting that sweet Shampoo would lie to me?"
Mousse roared. Ranma looked at him, and Mousse's angry look
turned to one of sheepishness, "Well, actually, I suppose she
would." Then to despair, "Why must she torment me so? Why must
she reject my love?"
   For the same reason I reject hers, Ranma thought ironically.
Or that you reject Lucca's. Ranma tactfully refrained from
mentioning this to Mousse. If she was going to stand any chance
of getting out of this alive, she was going to have to handle
things extremely delicately.
   Too bad Mousse wasn't willing to help. "YOU, SAOTOME! You are
the reason!" Mousse had a hysterical look in his eyes, "Once
you're gone, nothing will stand between us!" He lifted the sword
again. Ranma clenched her eyes shut, expecting the end. "Now DIE,
foul--quack! quack! quack?"
   Ranma heard a crash, like a bag of tools hitting the ground,
and felt droplets of moisture pattering on her face. Warily, she
opened an eye a crack. She saw an extremely ruffled glasses-
wearing duck standing on top of a pile of clothes. Ranma turned
her head, and saw a most welcome sight. The powerful jet of water
from the overturned fire hydrant was being redirected towards the
spot Mousse had been standing. It was being redirected by the
flat blade of an enormous spatula, and holding that spatula was-
   "Ucchan!" Ranma coughed.
   "Ranchan!" she answered, hurrying over. She casually batted
Mousse out of the way, causing him to land in a dazed heap.
   "Quaaack!" he quaaacked weakly.
   With a smooth motion, Ukyou slung her spatula across her back.
"Let me get this thing off you, sugar." She grabbed the robotic
arm, and pulled. Her leverage was much better than Ranma's, and
she yanked the arm free with ease. She dropped it onto Mousse's
pile of clothes.
   Ukyou helped Ranma into a sitting position. Ranma looked
awful, covered with long, shallow cuts and nasty bruises. "You
look awful," Ukyou said.
   "Ucchan?" Ranma said faintly.
   "Yes, Ranchan, I'm here."
   "I'm glad I'm a girl."
   "Huh? Why?"
   "Because, I'm going to faint." Ranma fainted.
   Ukyou frowned with irritation. Ranma could be such a
chauvinist pig at times. But the frown quickly turned to one of
concern. Carefully, Ukyou unwound the strange contraption that
had entangled Ranma's legs. It seemed to be some sort of bolo-
like device, but the bolo balls looked like little remote
controlled jets. She tossed it onto the pile, and gathered Ranma
up into her arms, intending to get her to Dr. Tofu as quickly as
possible.

Afterword:
   The ASPCA's gonna have my head for this. Imagine, feeding
Akane's cooking to poor, defenseless lab mice! *Shudder*
   Some may argue that Akane would never deliberately set Shampoo
up to intercept Ranma, no matter how much she wants Ranma off her
back. I disagree. It's my personal theory that Akane isn't really
afraid that Ranma is going to run off with Shampoo behind her
back. Akane's worked way too hard to instill a Pavlovian fear
response in Ranma regarding Shampoo. Ranma has come to
subconsciously associate Shampoo with either intense head trauma
(mallet), or primal fear (wet cat). All this, plus the fact that
Akane most likely knew the response Kunou would have to the card
from his 'Pigtailed Goddess' (hardly a turn-on, for either Ranma
or Shampoo). So, she felt confident that her trap wouldn't
backfire.

Chrono Trigger Tip #8:
   There's this weird guy in 600 A.D. who keeps asking for
something called 'Naga-ette Bromide'. Where am I supposed to find
that?
   You can find the Secret Naga-ette Bromide in the Cathedral to
the west of Guardia Castle in 600 A.D., the building where you
met Frog for the first time. After you enter the main part of the
Cathedral dungeon, you will eventually come across a long hallway
with two rooms on elevated walkways on either side. The lower
lefthand room appears to be a kitchen inside, and the Naga-ette
Bromide is in the leftmost cabinet of this kitchen.
   So what do I get for going to all this trouble?
   Three things:
1. The weight of wondering what heck this Bromide is supposed to
be is lifted from your mind.
2. A sense of satisfaction that the game is a little bit more
thoroughly completed.
3. A Magic Tab.
   For the Mindlessly Obsessive, number 2 is all that matters.
