Wait
For Me.
by ryuen
~ ~ ~
I felt myself falling...but it was all right.
"For you," I whispered.
Then the night came...then the warmth melted. I was slipping away, feeling hot
streaks of moisture trickling down my cheeks, welling in my eyes, burning in my
throat. But even as the heat trickled away from everything else...still, it
remained, right there...fiery and stabbing and intense...there. Yes...right
there, where his sword had...
The thought trailed off...the world trailed off.
Is this death?
Maybe. Maybe. She was looking down on me, crying for me--I couldn't see
her...much as I wanted to, much as I longed to...I couldn't see her. But...but,
she was crying. The clouds parted...a sparkle, a trickle...a glistening,
silvery tear...it was cool on my cheek...like a balm. It's not
fair...Nuriko...she waited for you...she was able to hold you and cry...but I
have nothing. Only the memories, that soft voice in my ears...
And a tear, welling with silver crystals on my flesh. Broken flesh. Broken
heart.
Did I ever really love her at all?
Yes.
Do I love her now?
...yes.
But...but, something within me...it's warm, now...it's waiting. It's always
been waiting. It didn't know, I think, of the longing it felt until that day,
that moment...until I felt you leave. Until I felt you...die. But, you
knew...didn't you? You knew all along...and, you waited patiently...for so
long.
Like I waited for someone else. Like it waited all along.
But, now...now, the time of waiting is over.
I had a child with you...no. No, not you...someone else...I loved her...but, it
was you whose silken hair I touched in the morning...you whose eyes I gazed
into as the blankets slipped from my waist...you whose body I clutched so close
to my own that I could feel your heart beating steadily against mine.
Yours. You.
But I loved her. I loved them both...but, you were always there, a victim of
circumstance and my own selfish delusions...gods, I was so selfish...I wanted that
ideal...always, always...I deserved it, didn't I? The beautiful emperor, the
boy king...the orphan, the friendless, the loveless...I deserved it, damn it.
But, it rejected me...I was thrust aside by the fate I held so
close...shattered, but never hopeless...because one day, she might be mine...!
One day...she might realize I'd waited a lifetime for her. One day...she might
realize that it was only fair that I have one moment of being happy and
loved...just one moment...gods. That's all I wanted.
But, I was blind...because you were always there.
With you...I'd have had more than a tear, wouldn't I? I'd have had more than a
child, welling beneath the skin of a woman I loved in your place. I'd have had
so much more...I'd have had love. Wouldn't I?
You asked me once...if I believed in fate. The stars were shining in your
eyes...but I didn't understand then. Maybe I never did...until now.
Until now, as I lay here staring into the mottled grey clouds...until now, as I
lay here waiting for the darkness to drag me away...until now...as I lay here
with her voice in my ears...and your face in my thoughts.
Did you think of me, see MY face...when it happened?
The darkness is falling, thick and heavy, weighing down my arms, pushing
against my chest, drawing the life from my body...but, all I feel is the
numbness, the heaviness...the suffocating need to stop drawing in these painful
breaths, to let my lungs quiet, let my heart pause...to let myself have peace,
at last.
At last.
Black, velvet curtain, sliding over my vision...fading light...fading
warmth...no...no...nothing fades...does it? No...I can...I can open my eyes...I
know I can...yes. Yes...soft, white, angel light...yes. The clouds will part
for an emperor, won't they?
Wait for me, Nuriko...I'm coming.
Wait for me.
---
owari.