If I Should Die


There's a moment in the life of every man when the world fades away, and there is only one thing...love. Perfection. Wonder. Beauty.

No matter who you are, no matter where you come from, no matter if you're emperor of Konan or a peasant selling wares in the street, at one time, for one instant...that moment will come for you. And, when it does...you'll wonder how you ever lived without its memory in your life...and you'll spend the rest of your life wishing for it to come again.

I never thought I'd be so lucky as to have a moment like that...to get close enough to touch that kind of beauty, that kind of perfection. I was living a borrowed life, and one with no hope for love--gods, I was living as a woman, but the possibility of intimacy...it was never even an option. I could find a man, fall in love...but it would end at that, always, no hope for anything more. So, I kept to myself. Even when men showed interest in me, even when I was interested in them...I never let it get too far--I never gave enough of myself to them that it would hurt me to leave them...because it was always inevitable that I would have to. Because, after all, men don't like finding out that the person they love is actually another man...it messes up their perfect little images of the way the world works, the way the human heart works. I'm a man, so I love women. She's a woman, so she loves men. Simple.

No. Not so simple. Love knows no gender. Ah...but I didn't write this to preach, did I?

No. I wrote this...I wrote this because some things have to be said...and I have a feeling I won't have the chance to say them again.

It's a...a strange feeling. It started a few days ago, just before we left. I thought it was just the shock of seeing Tamahome's family there, murdered...but it's still here, even though more than enough time has passed. It's still with me...and so I'm beginning to wonder if it might be something else...if Suzaku might be trying to tell me something. But, I don't know. Regardless, I'm leaving this note here in Miaka's bag because I know it'll be safe here--after all, Miaka's snacks are in here, and gods forbid she go anywhere without THEM, right??

Oh, Miaka. You've given me so much. And, you don't even realize it, do you, baka? I don't know what it is about you that makes me love you...but there's something there. Something special...something wonderful. Something beautiful. It wasn't an accident that it was you who came to us, Miaka. It wasn't an accident that you became Suzaku no Miko...it was fated. I know that now...and I think that maybe there are more things in store for us that are fated, as well...maybe not so pleasant things...maybe bad things.

Maybe...maybe death things.

But, you and Tamahome...you'll be together. No matter what happens, no matter who comes between you--no matter if death itself comes between you--you'll always be together...because some things are meant to be...and you and Tamahome are one of those things.

Tama-chan. I know you hate that name...but, hey, you just spent half the night getting drunk on Nuriko Specials, so you deserve it. You're the first man who became my friend. The first man I loved without any romantic feelings at all. The first man who treated ME like a man. What you did for me tonight...just sitting there in the bar with you, talking about things, acting like guys...it was a great, wonderful, perfect gift...because I've never had that before. I've never been able to just sit and talk. And, you know what? It was great. And, you called me your older brother. I've never been prouder or happier than when I heard those words.

I think of you as a brother...a damned stupid one, sometimes...but a brother, nonetheless. So, don't worry. Miaka loves you, and you love her...and no matter what happens...you know you'll always find each other, whether it's across the country or across the worlds.

This is a strange letter to write. Gods, it's a strange letter to even THINK about writing. If I should die... Gods. Strange. I wonder...I wonder what it'll be like. To die. Of course, I'll do my best to avoid it no matter what happens, but as my father used to say, "You can't cheat the gods." Or fate. So, if it is supposed to happen...then I just hope it'll be FOR something. I hope...I hope it'll be for you, Miaka. For you, Tamahome. For all of you...because I wouldn't be me if you hadn't been here to build me...to mold me...to change me for the better.

Miaka...your laughter. Your smiles. Your childish, hopeless love. You make life fun even when it shouldn't be.

Tamahome...your devotion. Your support. Your friendship. I never thought I could love this way...or BE loved this way.

Hotohori...your beauty. Your grace. Your kindness. Your vanity--yes, even that. You made it easy to love you...because you were already knee-deep in loving yourself.

Chichiri...your wisdom. Your intelligence. Your sensitivity. Your masks. I wish I'd known more of you--I have a feeling we'd have had a lot to talk about. You feel like someone I can confide in, even though I never really did. I would've felt safer telling you about Kourin than I felt even telling Tamahome and Miaka. All secrets are safe beneath that mask...especially your own.

Tasuki...your temper. Your fire. Your passion. Your courage. We never got as close as Tamahome and I did...but we got close enough. We had fun. Nothing serious, nothing traumatic, nothing revealing...just fun. Simple, perfect fun.

Mitsukake...your solemnity. Your quiet pleasures. Your balance. Chiriko...your youth. Your innocence. Your wisdom. Both of you...I feel like I know you so well even though I barely know you at all. I wish for at least time enough to know more of you...but if not, that's all right. I know you well enough to know that you're friends, partners, companions...people I love. People I'd die for.

That's what I'm wishing for, isn't it? To die for you people...if I have to die. With my luck, though, I'll take a bad step and fall off the side of a mountain instead. Let's play a little cosmic joke on Nuriko...then again, it wouldn't be the first time.

But...but, dying for you...I guess...I guess that's what I was trying to get at when I started this letter. Because, if I do die...if I die for YOU--any of you--then, it's all RIGHT to die. I want you to understand that. It's okay to die when it's a death like that...because that's that moment of perfection I was talking about.

It's nearly dawn. Writing by moonlight...I'll probably have ink smudges all over this stupid thing.

Oh, and gods, this is getting way too long--Tasuki's attention span is what, three sentences? Two? Gomen ne, Tasuki... Oh, well. I'm nearly out of ink, anyway...so I guess I'll have to bring this to a close. So. If I should...if I should die...

If I should die...

If I should...die.

Then...it'll be all right, I think. Because I've had my moment...with you. All of you. I've had it, I've revelled in it--I've lived more of a life in these past few months than I have in eighteen years. I've had my moment. Maybe, in death...I can have it again.

If I...should die.