DISCLAIMER: None of this belongs to me...no matter how many threatening letters I send to Yuu Watase. *cries*

*AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you haven't seen up to Episode 33 in Fushigi Yuugi and don't wish to have it spoiled for you, then I'd suggest not reading onward in this fic. You have been warned...

~~~~~

ALTHOUGH MY LIFE IS OVER: PART I
by Ryuen


Confessing my love for Miaka to Tamahome was...strange. Okay, perhaps "strange" isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but it was definitely something different. Because of...well, of who I am, I've never really been a big fan of heart-to-heart talks or sharing secrets--after all, I used to have a hell of a lot to hide. So, I was always pretty secretive. But, that day, so long ago...when the fake Miaka from the mirror told Hotohori and Tamahome about me...at first, I was angry...okay, perhaps "angry" isn't the word for that, either. When you're "angry" you yell, maybe hit something or someone, calm down after a few minutes...my version of "angry" for that day was more like screaming and knocking down trees...but...erm...that's besides the point.

The point is, when that happened, when everyone knew that I was really not a girl at all...it freed me. I used to think I was freeing myself by dressing as a woman, that that was how I was meant to be and so I was really being me...but, that wasn't it at all. I didn't realize it until a little while later, but what Miaka did that day...even if it wasn't really the conscious part of herself...she freed me. She pushed me onto the first step of the road to getting my life back again.

Kourin...gods, I love you. I know that's probably pretty obvious--after all, if I didn't, I wouldn't have done any of the things I've done throughout my life...our lives. And, I always did feel like you were with me. It was strange, though...it was like...like I was playing a part, like when I wore female clothes, I slipped out of myself and moved into you, like I WAS you. Looking back on it now...it seems almost like I was a different person then. I don't know. Maybe I was.

I was living for you, then. But, something always felt...wrong about it. In a lot of ways, Kourin, I WAS you then. I wore clothes you would've adored, I talked like I knew you would've, I even fell in love with who I knew you'd have loved. Hotohori-sama...I don't know what I feel for him now. It's difficult to tell whether I loved him for you or for me or for both of us...but I do know that I loved him. Then again, I've been loving a lot of people recently, haven't I?

Maybe that's another part of the distinction between now and then. Then, I didn't have any friends. I had my maids...but, they weren't friends. They were just someone else to play-act to, someone else to talk like I thought you would have. But, after that day when I stepped forward and dragged Miaka and Tamahome out of that rubble...it all changed. I was...part of something, then. At first, I think I didn't want to let go of you, Kourin, because as I grew closer to them, as I felt my heart being tugged in their direction, as I felt myself starting to live for myself instead of you...I got scared.

Blessed Suzaku, I almost got Miaka killed that way. Damn girl. Who would've thought she'd have managed to fall into the pond and get tangled up in those vines? She always was such an idiot...but, a lovable idiot, damn her.

Being friends with her, having her struggling so hard to be friends with me, to win me over to her side...it infuriated me, because it was like she was trying to drag the Ryuen in me out, push the Kourin away. I don't know when I started loving her...maybe from the first moment she opened her mouth. So loud, so obnoxious, so stupid, so childish...but, so pure, so honest, so true...so...indescribable. I felt something for her then, something strong. I thought it was hate...but I guess now that it wasn't. I did hate her at first, just as I hated her for revealing my secrets...but, both times, I was wrong. What I thought she was doing was driving you away, pushing back the memory of you...but what she was really doing was tugging me up into the light for the first time, letting me see just how wonderful life can be when you have people you love to share it with...

I was proud, then, to be a Suzaku seishi...proud to have been born into this special, wonderful group of people...proud to have been born to protect Miaka.

You would've been like her, I think, Kourin. I think if you'd lived...you and Miaka would've adored each other.

Those first few days, I thought she was trying to take you away from me, but she wasn't...she didn't. You were already gone, Kourin...weren't you? You were gone all those years ago when I turned and that cart... You were gone then. But, I couldn't face it. How could I? You were all I had...all I loved most in the world. I remember standing there beside the street and staring down at you...and I remember thinking, //This can't be...we're always together. It must be some mistake. *I* must be the one who's dead...because Kourin's too good to die.\\

I wanted it to have been me so badly that I made it happen...I killed the Ryuen in me and became you. Because we were always together...and I couldn't let go. But, Miaka...she came into my life like a wash of sunlight, and at first, as any man coming out of the darkness would be, I was blinded. I didn't understand...but what she did...she let me live again. She let me realize that you were gone, that you always had been...and for the first time in my life since all those years ago...I closed my eyes and felt the man in me. I felt myself as Ryuen, not as Kourin. I thought I would've been sad, to let you go...but, I wasn't. I was...happy. For the first time in my life, I was happy...and not because you were gone, but rather because I was alive--really, truly alive--for the first time in eight years.

Somewhere along the line, I guess I must've accepted your death, Kourin...and even though it still hurts to know you're gone...I know that we'll be together again, someday. Hopefully not anytime soon...but we'll be together.

Because, we're always together. Always.

~ ~ ~

Look at all this snow. Gaaaah, I hate snow. It's so damn cold...where's Tasuki and that stupid iron fan when you need 'em, huh?

Tamahome and I were up drinking most of the night last night--the baka, he's got a hangover. I told him he would...that's strong stuff he was drinking...but, of course, he didn't listen to me. But, that's all right. I didn't listen to me, either. Nothing like getting...what was it Father always called it..."pleasantly soused?"

We had a good talk, though. It was kind of strange, though. I've never been a let's-go-have-a-drink-with-the-guys kind of person, and yet there I was, sitting in a bar talking to Tama about anything and everything that came into my head, sharing drinks and laughs and just being a guy.

Very weird. I've never just been a...a guy, before. But, actually...it felt kind of good. Like, maybe it was the start of something new, something even better than what I've had these past few months. I keep having the feeling like this can't be true, like I must be dreaming. I love these people too much, and I feel too good when I'm around them--the pessimist in me can't help but wonder how long something so perfect can possibly last. I had something perfect once before...with you, Kourin...and, it ended all too quickly. You died...gods, what would I do if one of them died? It'd be you all over again...what if Miaka died? Or Tamahome? Or Hotohori? Or any of them? I wouldn't be able to take it.

Suzaku, please, if this has to end...don't let them be the ones to leave it. Let it be me...please, for once, let it be me.

Miaka's acting a little awkward to me this morning. I wonder...if she knows? Maybe she figured it out from the way I was hinting around yesterday, or maybe Tamahome told her...no. No, he wouldn't have. So, either she figured it out from what I said...or, else she's been hanging around me too much and she's learned how to eavesdrop. Ha. It doesn't really matter, anyway. If she overheard...then she knows that I'm not going to act on my feelings. I won't try for her--I won't even let her know about it, if she doesn't know already. After all, why break up something that makes her so happy? She loves him...and he loves her. They're like interlocking pieces to a puzzle--one's never complete without the other.

As long as she's happy...I can live. It's her smiles I go on, anyway. Her smiles, her laughter, the private moments we share. She talks to me like a friend, like a confidant...gods, I've never had that with anyone before. Except you, Kourin. Is that what she's doing, then? Filling in the hole you left in my heart? Maybe. But, I have a feeling you'd want it that way...and I know you'd love her just as much as I do.

Ha. Tamahome, blast you, you baka. Trying to guard my feelings by letting me go with Miaka...you're a better man than I thought you were. Miaka's changed you, too, I guess...like she's changed all of us. Silly Tama...go with your love, let me take care of finding the Shinzaho. You know she'd just worry about you the entire way, anyway, wonder if you were doing all right, if you'd found it, if some mystical snow troll had popped up out of the ground and eaten you for lunch...but, that's just her nature, I guess. Then again, she's lost you enough times that I guess she has a right to worry...but, that's all right. I'll go. I would rather be with Miaka, I think...but, it's better this way. You two need to be together...who am I to stand between you, even if it's just as a friend?

So, I'll go. Even though it's cold and snowy and I'm not in the mood for mountain climbing...I'll do it.

"Be careful, Nuriko."

Concern. Worry. Would she hurt, I wonder, if something happened to me? Would she grieve like I know she'd grieve for you, Tamahome? Probably not...but she would feel something, at least. Maybe it's a comfort, then...she cares for me, at least that much. And, knowing that...it's a good feeling.

~ ~ ~

I hate mountains.

Really. Nothing like that pain in your calves and that tugging feeling in your chest from being out of breath...oh, and nothing like the snow on your skin, the wind on your face, the glare in your eyes. Next time, I think, I'm going to have to find better shoes before I try to climb a snowy mountain. No, nevermind--next time, I'm not going to put myself in the position of having to climb a snowy mountain in the FIRST place.

Ah, finally...the top. Agh...getting back down is going to be fun. I'll probably slip and slide the whole way...

There's a rock blocking the entrance--good, then. It's good that I was the one to come here...none of the others would've had a chance at moving it. Well, it's good to be useful, anyway...

I walk to the boulder, stare at it for a minute. It doesn't look like it'll be a problem to move, but it'll still take some effort. I wrap my hands over the sides, get a good grip...and stop. No...no... Something's wrong...someone's behind me... I spin, come face to face with...with...

Him.

The one I wounded. The one who tried to kill Miaka. The one who slashed my shoulder. He looks strong, wild, like a wolf in human form. Fangs...claws...fur. That's another advantage for him, then--he's got that fur...he's not cold like I am. He won't slip and slide on the snow like I might...damn it. But, what else can I do? He's strong enough to move this boulder, too, if he wants to...strong enough to go after the Shinzaho.

Miaka. You're counting on me...you need this...

I feel the fiery power of Suzaku surging through me, watch as Taitsu-kun's bracelets expand on my wrists, become iron, fill me with power and strength...I smile tightly, assume a fighting stance.

"Come on!"

And, he does. He moves like the wolf he resembles, sprinting and pouncing and moving almost too quickly for me to dodge--he slams into me like a boulder, knocking me down flat onto my back, pressing down hard on my chest, sucking the breath out of my lungs. He's just playing with me, now...isn't he... Struggling for breath, I swing back an arm, punch up at him...but, he dodges, leaps backwards. Gods, he's agile, too...

For the first time, I wonder if maybe I've gotten into something I can't handle, if maybe this wolfman is a little too much for even me to outfight. But, no time to think about that now.

Your will be done, Suzaku.

He pauses for a long moment, as I struggle to catch my breath. He pauses...his eyes are large and pained and faraway, his lips twisting slightly downwards into a deep frown...he winces. And, then...then, he screams. His howl rings in my ears, pounding into my already-aching head like thunder, and I have to move--he's charging, running, leaping, coming at me in a blur of grey fur and claws and fangs...and, he's still howling. It's like nothing I've ever heard--it's loud and ragged and fierce and angry and enraged...but, it's also something else...it sounds like pain. Agony. Anguish.

I skid out of the way, barely avoiding his fist--it slams into the rock wall, I hear the swish of sliding snow. I leap forward, tumble down onto the ground just as a wash of the white crystal sweeps down from the top of the rock, buries him underneath it...but, damn it, he's not down...he's not even close to down. He shoves the snow out of the way like it was just a sheet of air, and then he's coming at me again--his fist smashes into the side of my face, knocks me backwards with a flash of pain and an explosion of stars in front of my eyes. I try to recover, try to move out of the way--but he's too fast. He pauses for just a moment, teasing me, then slams his fist forward. It thuds into my chest, slamming me backwards, ripping open my shirt...I can't breathe...I can't...breathe...! My back slams into a wall of rock and I slide down to the icy, snowy ground, clutch onto my ribs, struggle to draw in another breath, then another, to get to my feet...but, I can't...all I can do is sit there and hold onto my stomach and try to suck the air in and out through my nostrils...it feels like something's pinching inside of me, like something heavy is pressing down on my lungs, on my ribs...I can barely move...

But...Miaka.

I have to get out of this. I have to survive...for her. Because, if I don't...then, they'll get the Shinzaho. They'll call Seiryuu. They'll make Miaka miserable...maybe make her...make her die.

And, I can't let that happen. No matter what.

He dives at me again, growling and snarling and slashing out at me with claws and fists and fangs...but, this time, I'm ready for him. As he lunges, I grab the dark cloak up from the ground, throw it in his eyes, use his head as a springboard to send me catapulting over him. Once I hit the other side, once I land safely, feel my feet thud into that carpet of soft snow...then, I'll turn on him, I'll finish him off before he even realizes where I've gone or what's happening...

But...but, no.

Time slows. I'm leaping, stretching...flying...and, he's behind me, blind behind me...but, I feel that something's changed, suddenly, that something's terribly wrong...a feeling surges into me like nothing I've ever felt before, a horrible, weighty certainty, a darkness I can't escape from no matter how I try...

I'm going to die.

I know it before I feel it...and, then, a hot, searing pain explodes in me...I feel them...those claws...I feel them slicing into me, tearing my flesh, ripping up through my back and into me, through me...I shudder once, feel myself go limp...but I don't fall. I hang there, motionless in the air, unable to move, barely able to breathe, barely able to form a conscious thought...I just hang. My arms dangle loosely at my sides, limp and useless, my head lolls backwards, my legs droop. And, for just a moment, as I lay there, stunned and in pain and staring up at the shifting clouds...I feel them. For just a moment...I feel all of them.

Hotohori. Tasuki. Chichiri. Chiriko. Mitsukake. Tamahome.

Miaka.

I feel them all, as if they're there with me, as if their spirits are in me...as if they're what's holding me up, keeping me alive, keeping me concious...I feel them. The sunlight glares in my eyes, and a soft, cold wind brushes the hair from my face, tickles against my cheeks. I feel the warmth of the blood leaving me, feel a hot trickle slide down my chin. I'm going to die.

But, it's all right.

It's all right...because, they're with me...and, they're counting on me.

A new power surges through me, sends strength to my limbs and fire to my soul...I twist, grab onto his face, rip myself free of the claws--giddy with this new, strange power, I flip over him, land on my feet on the ground behind him, and the beast...the beast...ha. He doesn't even realize what's going on...he doesn't even think that I might be able to hurt him now that he's hurt me.

Ha. You thought you had me, didn't you, you bastard? You thought you had me. But, you didn't. You don't. You never will.

I grab onto the back of his head and twist...hard. Where'd all this power come from? I don't know...I don't know...but, it's there, it's in me, burning and twisting and surging through my veins like nothing I've ever felt before. I twist harder, hear the grinding of bones, the howl of pain, the tensing of muscles...and, then...then...

Snap.

He falls. The thud rocks the very ground I'm standing on.

I stand over him, the symbol of the willow burning a fiery red on my chest, and breathe, feel the adrenaline rushing through me...I'm shaking. But, that's okay...because I got him.

I stare down at his motionless body, clench my fists. "Don't underestimate Nuriko-sama," I manage, breathing heavily, the warm, streaking sunlight flashing over everything, making it difficult to see.

The pain is just beginning to come back. I fought it, before...I pushed it away...but, now it's there. Now, it's hot and angry and squeezing the breath from my lungs...I have to sit down. If I don't...I'll fall down. I take a few steps to the edge of the peak, sink down to my knees, let myself rest and breathe.

I stare up into the sky, let the sunlight shine warm on my face. "I made a mistake," I whisper. "I won't be able to think about Miaka anymore."

Miaka...the Shinzaho...

I turn, suddenly remembering the boulder that only I can lift...

Still clutching at my chest, I rise to my feet and walk to the boulder, wrap my arms around it...I strain, tugging upwards with all the strength left in my body...but, it's useless...I can't lift it... But, damn it, I HAVE to lift it! If I don't...if I don't...they'll never get in. Miaka'll never get the Shinzaho...she'll never be happy...and, my death...my death...it will have been for nothing.

"Please," I whisper, "give me power."

I grab onto the boulder again, tense my muscles, tug upwards...and, suddenly, my armbands explode with a holy red light, and I feel the power surging through me, feel the touch of Suzaku on my soul. Tapping into all the strength I've ever had, all the power I've ever felt, all the anger and rage and injustice and love and fervor and agony and perfection and happiness... I tighten my grip on the boulder and drag it upwards, straining and screaming and dying as the power consumes me, washes over me, explodes like a crimson flash in my eyes...and, then...then...THEN!

It moves.

My eyes snap open in shock, and I stand there for what seems like an eternity, holding that boulder in my arms and bathing in the warmth of Suzaku's power, of my OWN power...the sunlight streams down onto my shoulders, glistens in my eyes, and as I stare up into it, as I let my vision shift up into that perfect, clear blue sky...

I see her.

I toss the boulder aside almost without realizing I'm doing it, stand there in a stricken silence, gazing up into the sky...gazing at her. My eyes fill with tears...my trembling stops.

"Oh, Kourin," I murmur, smiling softly. "How long have you been there?"

"NURIKO!"

Someone's...calling me...Kourin? No...no.

"NURIKOOOOO!"

No. I turn, a strange, foreign warmth spreading slowly over me, and catch a glimpse of them...

Miaka. You're here...you...you came...

The strength bleeds out of my arms, out of my legs...and, I fall. It seems like it'll hurt, falling like that...but, it doesn't. I land on a soft cushion of snow, the darkness flickering in front of my eyes...and lie still.

Miaka is here...and so are you, Kourin. Although my life is over...you're here.

~ ~ ~

I...come back. I didn't think I would...but I do. I open my eyes, gaze up into the cool, harsh sunlight...and see her, bending over me.

Miaka...

She looks upset. Her voice wavers, her hands shake, her eyes are dark, wide, stricken...could it be...that...that she cares about me, after all? That, maybe...that, maybe my death will mean something to her?

"The bleeding won't stop," she says. Her hands are warm on my chest, pressing down, trying to push the life back into my body. Her voice drops into sobs. "He was too much to take on alone!"

I have to comfort her...how can I be hurting her this much? Surely I don't mean that much to her...surely she won't be hurt that badly by my dying...surely she can't...she can't love me. "Don't cry, Miaka," I manage, offering her a soft smile. "It isn't bad enough to kill me. I can't leave you."

But, it's a lie...and I know it. I feel weak, lifeless...I'm dying...but, the pain is nearly gone. I don't feel anything, now, but the warmth...the warmth of the sun on my cheeks, the warmth of this girl who sits so close to me...the warmth of her heart and my own.

My gods. Look at her. She's crying... She *does* love me...doesn't she?

"Damn...you cry easily." From somewhere deep within me, I find the strength to move. I lift up one bloodstained hand, wipe at her tears with my finger. This is it...isn't it? Soon...soon, I won't be here anymore. Soon, I won't be able to feel the warmth of this girl or look up into her eyes or even share a simple, stupid laugh with her.

Gomen, Miaka. I said I wouldn't leave you...but, I think...I think I might have to.

But...I can't let it be this way. I have to let her know, somehow...that it's okay. I'm dying so she can live, so she can go on and find the Shinzaho and be with Tamahome forever. I'm dying so she can be happy...so, it's all right. It's all right to die...because I'm dying for her. I have to make her see that...I have to make her see that it's all right...that I love her.

"You're...such a glutton," I say quietly. "...clumsy...stupid and reckless."

Her fingers wrap around mine, soft and warm and gentle. "Nuriko," she murmurs. My lips turn upwards, just slightly...I smile at her, struggle for the right words.

"I have to watch over you."

Tamahome's voice, deep and thick with worry, chimes in then, streaks through my fading concentration. "Nuriko, try not to talk. Don't move until Mitsukake gets here."

I resist the urge to hit him...not that I have the energy anyway. Silly Tama. You know this is my last goodbye, don't you? You know that I'm going to die, that there's no way I'm going to get out of this alive...that these are my last words. Let me say 'em, would you, ya baka?

I turn back to Miaka, ignore Tamahome because I can barely find the strength to finish what I have to say to this girl, because I know that if I waste the breath to tell Tama just how badly I need to say these things...that I'll lose the strength to say them...that I'll fade into nothingness before I can say what I need to.

"But...there's...something special...about you." Her eyes are large and glistening with tears...she looks scared. You know, don't you, Miaka? You know that this is the last thing I'm going to say to you, that in a few minutes...I'm going to go away...maybe forever.

You know.

I feel it coming for me. I feel the darkness sliding over me like a blanket, feel the strength draining from my body...feel my life fading away into nothingness...I feel the warmth of death wrapping itself around me. This is the last thing I say to you, Miaka. So, listen. Listen...and remember.

"So," I manage. A wash of darkness floods over me, but I fight it...I struggle...I hang on. No! I can't go yet...I have to say this...I have to finish this! I have to let her know! "So," I repeat, straining to stay conscious for just another moment...just ONE MORE moment... I draw a breath, let it out slowly. "Don't lose. No matter what."

Miaka's fingers tighten around my own. Her voice is thin and soft and wavering...she gets it...I know she does...but, she's refusing it. "What're you saying?" she asks quietly. She attempts a smile, pulls my hand to her heart. "You sound like we won't see each other again. That doesn't make sense."

She's crying, now. Oh, Miaka...you're crying because you know what you're saying isn't true. You're crying because you know I'm leaving...because you know that this is the last time...

"I'll be watched over by Nuriko-sama."

My eyes drift closed. I can't...I can't stay here much longer. It's been too long already...I've held on for too long, strained to keep my grip on life for much, much too long...and, now...now...

It's time to let go.

Miaka speaks again...but, her voice is very far away. Everything, even Tamahome's arms around me, the freezing snow beneath me, the hot blood on my chest...it's all far away, fading, dying...am I dying, or is everything else? I don't know...I don't know...

But, then...it changes. Light. Beauty. Wonder. Awe.

Kourin.

You waited for me...didn't you? All this time...you waited for me...because, we're always together. We're always...always together.

I smile...and die.

Suzaku. You were kind...this time.

Arrigato.


~ ~ ~

end.