DISCLAIMER: Surprisingly enough, I do not own Fushigi Yuugi. If you were under the impression that I did, please press 1 and wait for operator assistance. If you were fully aware that Fushigi Yuugi was/is/and never will be mine, press 2 and wait for the sound of the beep. Following the beep, leave your name, number, and an address to which a large ticking package may be shipped.

AN: Yep, you guessed it. Yet another of my what-happened-in-Konan-while-Miaka-was-in-Kutou stories. This one, however, is a great deal different than any of the others...in that something INTERESTING actually happens! *gasp*

AN2: This, despite the majority of my fics, is most likely going to be a shorter story, and may actually be finished before I lose interest and move onto something else! *muffled gasps from audience*

AN3: Beware. This fic will contain shounen ai in the future.

---


A Fragile Light
by Ryuen


~*~*~*~
Kou


“Hotohori-sama, are you all right?” I could hear the pain in his voice...and the fear. We stood just beside the large, intricately-carved bed, gazing down at our emperor. He lay beneath a mass of tangled blankets, staring up at the fabric of the canopy and trying valiantly not to cry out against the pain.

I glanced sideways at the smaller man, watched as he took a short step forward and lowered himself onto the edge of the bed with a rustle of skirts and a wash of violet hair. “Hotohori-sama?” His voice was very soft, very strained, as if he were trying to hold back something painful. “Hotohori-sama, can you...can you hear me?”

My eyes drifted down to the figure in the bed, and I felt a flicker of my own fear and anguish flood into my mind, wash over me like a wave. Heika was in so much pain. He was lying there on his back, heavy beads of sweat trickling down over his smooth, flushed cheeks, running in salty lines down over his flesh, over his lips, down onto the edge of his chin. His fingers clenched and unclenched at his sides, and his entire body shivered beneath the soft blankets, convulsing in a mixture of chill and pain.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get you here sooner,” I managed after a moment, clearing my throat against the sudden weight of anguish in my throat. “He was calling for you, but I couldn’t find you--I...I tried...”

Nuriko glanced at me over one shoulder, offered me a soft, soothing smile. “Daijobu. Arrigato for going so far to find me.” He turned back to Heika, then, stared down at him for a long moment with something like agony twisting at his features. Finally, he let out a soft breath of air, rose to his feet and smoothed the silken skirts down over his legs.

“How long has he been like this?” he asked quietly. He didn’t turn to me as he spoke, and so I was forced to stare at that slender back as I responded, to see nothing of his face but a brief flicker of cream skin through a flood of violet hair.

“He wasn’t feeling well last night,” I explained a little hesitantly. “When I left him, he seemed to be feeling better...but, this morning, when I came in...” I trailed off, shook my head. “He was like this.”

Nuriko nodded, was silent for a long moment. When he spoke again, his voice was very soft. “Why do you suppose he was calling for me?”

I frowned a bit. I’d been asking myself the same question, even as I ran from one end of the palace to the other, searching for this boy. Why Nuriko? Of course, there was one obvious answer--Nuriko was the only one of the four shichiseishi who was currently at the palace aside from Heika himself--and, most likely the only person in the entire country who knew the enigmatic young emperor for more than his title.

“I think...it’s because you’re his friend,” I replied at last. “I know if I were sick like this, I’d want to have someone with me who I cared about--and who cared about me.”


Nuriko turned to me in something very akin to surprise, spent a long moment studying me in the warming light of the morning. His eyes, I noticed, were a very dark, very intense shade of violet, tinged with a splash of brown and a hue of pink. As he stared me, his eyes seemed to soften, and the lines of tension smoothed from his face, made way for a new kind of warmth, flooding over those soft features like a gentle wash of water.

He crossed his arms over his chest, shifted his weight onto his left foot. “Perhaps you’re right,” he murmured. He stood there for a moment, gazing down at Heika, and then, he straightened, drew in a long breath. “Well. Whatever the case, we have to do something about Hotohori-sama. Did you contact the palace doctor?”

Feeling a little breathless and more than a little ashamed, I hung my head slightly, shook it a little. “Iie. Gomen. I came in, and he told me to find you, so I...I’m sorry.”

He turned to me, shook his head. “Iie, don’t apologize. Stay with Hotohori-sama. I’ll go find the doctor.”

Surprised at the reprieve, I nodded a little uncertainly and shuffled forward towards the bed. “H...Hai.”

Nuriko brushed by me and, a moment later, was gone.

I stood there for a moment in silence, uncertain and awkward beside the bed of the sick emperor, and then, I turned, moved to the other side of the room and dragged a chair to the bed. Once it was in place, I lowered myself lightly into it, folded my hands in my lap, and settled down to wait.

Heika had drifted off into what looked like a painful, uncomfortable sleep--his eyes were squeezed tightly closed, his smooth, handsome features contorted in anguish, soft, wheezing floods of breath seeping lightly through his lips. He didn’t thrash as he slept, but I could see the way his muscles tensed every few seconds, the way his eyes flickered beneath the lids. Gods, I thought agonizingly, what pain he must be in. I felt my heart clench within my chest, forced myself to look away, stare at the wall, gaze anywhere but down at the man I loved so dearly--the man I would gladly do anything for, if it meant taking away the pain.

It was strange, how it had happened. It was also difficult to remember just when I passed over that threshold--just when he ceased being the untouchable Heika and became, instead, the only object of my desires and longings. Of course, it could never be--for more reason than one--but, for now, I could be satisfied with simply being near him, offering him my opinions, loving him silently and secretly beneath a mask of careful smiles and pleasant conversation. I knew, of course, that despite what we shared, I wasn’t his friend, and most likely never would be. For Seishuku Saihitei, I would eternally be nothing more than his awkward personal maid, and he, to me, would eternally have to stay as he was--as Heika-sama. Not Saihitei. Not even Hotohori. I would never be able to refer to him with the gentle familiarity Nuriko himself used, and, I would never hear my name called out when he was sick or depressed or in need.

Gods, did he even know my name?

I seriously considered wallowing in my own misery for awhile longer, but eventually decided against it. Instead, I rose from the chair and made my way towards the far-off archway of Heika’s private bath. Might as well do something useful. Inside, I found what I was looking for--a basin of cool water--and wrapped my slim hands around the bowl, tugged it up and pressed it against my chest. Tiny droplets of water splashed out as I moved, stained the soft blue of my dress a darker, thicker shade, but I ignored the extra moisture, instead focused entirely on my goal. Finally, I lowered the basin onto the chair I’d been sitting in, moved quickly back to the bath for a rag, and returned, breathing a little heavily from all the exertion, to lower myself onto the edge of the bed.

I felt a tingle of anxiety trickle up my spine as I moved. If Heika were to wake up, find me sitting here beside him, tending to him as I had no proper right to... I shook my head. No. He was sick. He would understand, if he awoke. He would understand that it was something I’d needed to do--something that was for his sake, not mine.

Even if sitting this close to him did send a shudder of warmth up my spine.

I’d been sponging gently at his forehead for about ten minutes, dampening the silken chestnut strands of his hair against his skin, when the door slid quietly open, and Nuriko stepped in. He’d changed his clothes since he’d left earlier, and was now clad in a soft, sandy-brown tunic and dark pants, the former of which streaked down to his knees, was cinched at the waist with a slim black belt. His lower legs were covered in high, oddly-stylish black riding boots, and his long violet hair had been plaited into a simple braid and now hung loosely over his left shoulder. He looked, to all extents and purposes, like the boy he was. It was more than a little disconcerting.

As if suddenly realizing just what he looked like, Nuriko flushed, glanced down at the flat area of his chest and opened his mouth to explain--but, I lifted a hand, cut him off before he could speak. “Iie, it’s all right,” I offered, smiling slightly. “I already know about...well, that.”

A flicker of surprise danced in those soft violet eyes, and one slim eyebrow arched. “You know?”

I nodded, rising to my feet and bowing my head a bit. “Hai. Heika-sama...” I felt my cheeks darkening slightly. “He doesn’t always consider what he’s saying before he says it. He’s referred to you as...well, as a ‘he’ to me on more occasion than one. At first, I thought perhaps he was making some sort of joke, but I realized the truth, eventually. Don’t worry,” I assured him. “I won’t tell anyone.” My lips lifted a bit. “Trust me. I know the benefit of keeping some secrets.”

He stared at me for a long time, assessing...and then, he took a few steps into the room, closed the door quietly behind him. The sound jarred something within me, dragged the silent questions up into the front of my mind. I stared at him for a moment, blinked in confusion. “Where’s the doctor?” I asked. Something dark and heavy settled into my stomach, made my frown deepen “He is...coming, isn’t he?”

Nuriko chewed lightly on his lower lip, gazed down at the blanket-swathed emperor for a long moment before responding. “No,” he said quietly. “He can’t come. He’s...he’s dead.”

A ripple of shock flooded over me, left me feeling breathless and weak. “D...Dead?” I whispered. I shook my head, uncomprehending and disbelieving. “When? How?” Why?

“They found him in his bed this morning, dead. The official word is that it was a heart attack, but...” He chewed on his lower lip again, and I watched as the thin line of concentration between his eyes thickened, drew his eyebrows together. “But, I don’t think that that’s what this was.”

I stared at him, scarcely daring to breathe. “What do you think it was?”

Nuriko’s face was very solemn, his features hard and serious. “I think it was murder,” he said softly. His eyes were trained on the edge of Heika’s bed, his long, slender fingers tangling together in front of him. “I think that, however silly it might sound, someone did this on purpose. The court’s only doctor, falling ill and dying on the same morning Hotohori-sama comes down with a strange illness? It’s too weird to be just a coincidence.”

The breath seemed to drain from my lungs. “Y...you mean...you think...”

His head ducked slightly in a nod. “Hai. I think someone did this to Hotohori-sama on purpose. And, I think that the doctor was killed...to ensure that no one could save him from it.”

I frowned. “But, why make him sick? Why go to all the trouble of killing the doctor? If someone wanted Heika-sama dead, surely there must’ve been some easier way to go about it.” I realized, of course, that I was speaking more than any maid or woman was ever supposed to, but the words were rushing from my lips, and I found I couldn’t control them. I studied Nuriko’s face for a reaction, wondering if he thought I was presumptuous, stupid, just another silly maid who thought she knew all about the world--but, his features were smooth and thoughtful, his head moving in a slow nod that seemed to mean he was considering my words.

“I’m not saying that it’s likely that I’m right,” he continued after a moment, his words slow and tentative, “but it is very possible.” He shook his head slightly, straightened and seemed to break free of the line of his thoughts. “Regardless, I’m leaving the palace. There’s rumor of a healer somewhere in the mountains nearby, and if I can’t get to Taiitsu-kun to ask her help, then I’ll go try to find him.”

My eyes widened. “You’re...you’re going alone?”

He smirked, suddenly looking strangely boyish, nothing at all like the proper court lady I remembered. “Of course. Who else is there? Miaka’s in Kutou, and Tamahome and Chichiri are there trying to get her back.” His face darkened a bit, regathered the scattered traces of solemnity. “And, Hotohori-sama needs help as soon as possible. He’s in a lot of pain, and...and, I don’t know what else to do for him.”

The words flew out of my mouth before I realized I’d even considered saying them. “Take me with you.”

He blinked at me in surprise. “Take you with me?”

I considered recalling the words, apologizing--but, no. Heika-sama was in pain; hurting...maybe dying. I loved him, and I’d sworn, long ago, that I would do whatever I had to to help him, always. I had to do this. I had to.

“Yes,” I said quietly, firmly. “Take me with you. I...need to do this.” I hesitated, then sighed, felt a hint of my own private anguish sliding into my words, cracking at the solidity of my voice. “Please, Nuriko-sama.”

He was staring at me with those large, blinking violet eyes, studying me; considering. He shook his head slightly. “It’s not going to be an easy trip--”

“I don’t care,” I interjected. Feeling the fire flooding back into my eyes, I straightened, drew myself up to my full height--an inch or so taller than Nuriko himself. “My duty is to my emperor. I can’t do anything for him here--but, I can do something for him if I’m with you. So, I’m going with you, to find someone to help him. If...if you don’t take me along...” My face hardened. “Then, I’ll go on my own, but I will not sit idly by and watch Heika-sama die.”

There was silence for a long moment. And then, Nuriko nodded slightly, drew in a short breath. “All right,” he said simply. “We’ll leave in an hour. Do you have clothes to travel in?”

“I can get some. Where should I meet you?”

“The stables. Until then, I’m going to talk to Hotohori-sama’s advisors. They might know of something to do for him...” He trailed off, seeming to draw his words into thought, and after a moment, gave me a curt nod. “I’ll see you at the stables, then.”

I returned the nod, a tremble of excitement and joy flickering up my spine, sending my body into a sudden, nervous shudder. Gods, I was...I was actually leaving the palace, going off on a quest with a Suzaku shichiseishi to save the life of my emperor. Ahhhhh, how lucky was I!?!?

It was all I could do not to run back to my chambers.


~*~*~*~
Nuriko


I couldn’t ever remember having been so worried in my life.

Hotohori-sama... Gods, he looked awful! There was something about seeing him there, lying in his bed sweating, shaking, trying not to cry out in pain--it wrenched at my heart. I must’ve run to every doctor in town, just in that thirty minutes I was away from his room. All of them listened to me patiently, tapped their feet against the floor, maybe frowned at me a bit. And, then, each and every one of them told me that they weren’t experienced enough to diagnose it, and that I should talk to the palace doctor instead.

The only problem with that, of course, was that the palace doctor was dead.

Of course, I shouldn’t have expected that any of the doctors in town would know what to do with Hotohori-sama. After all, they weren’t much more than herbalists, and some of them weren’t even very good herbalists. Mattaku, why did the doctor have to die?

I rushed back to my room after I visited the fifth doctor and got the same response, practically tore the dress off my body and started searching through my closet for something more appropriate. Finally, I decided on a softly-hued tunic of light brown, pants of a darker shade, then riding boots, and a belt to hold it all in place. I stood for a long moment in front of the mirror once I’d dressed, stared at the thick violet of my hair, the lipstick still clinging to my lips; the soft rose still touching at my cheeks.

The hair, I braided, and the makeup, I washed off with a soft, dampened cloth. Getting back to Hotohori-sama’s room was a lot easier now that I was dressed as a man, but I was so accustomed to moving with the skirts rustling against my legs, even after the past few weeks--it was almost strange, suddenly finding myself as a man again. Regardless, I hurried to his chambers, found her sitting there beside him, sponging the water gently against his forehead.

The announcement that she was going to be going with me surprised me, but truthfully, I was glad for the company. The thought of traveling all that way alone, of having no one to talk to, no one to rely on if things got bad--I hadn’t been looking forward to it. But, now, I couldn’t help but look on the sudden change in plans with a little hesitancy. After all, despite her words, she -was- just a palace maid. Did she even know how to ride a horse? Would she slow me down, make it harder to do what I needed to? Was I going to have to protect her from danger, keep her safe?

Did I have time to keep her safe?

But, of course, it was too late now. I’d already told her she could come, and so, she would come. My father used to say that making decisions wasn’t half as difficult as living with their consequences. Now, I supposed, I’d just have to deal with the consequences of my decision.

Talking with Hotohori-sama’s advisors was just as uncomfortable and awkward as I’d thought it would be. Before I’d been revealed as a man to Miaka and the others, I’d been one of Hotohori-sama’s advisors’ major candidates for empress. Of course, I didn’t blame them--as a woman, I was attractive, pleasant, graceful...but, of course, I was really a man, and I doubted the advisors were in much of a hurry to convince Hotohori-sama to marry me now. Now that they knew about me, I could tell that they would just as soon have slit my throat as listened to my words. But, that was all right. As long as Hotohori-sama was still emperor, as long as they still needed me to call Suzaku, they wouldn’t lift a hand against me. It was a small comfort, but it was still a comfort.

I found them in the council room, clustered around a long table and probably waiting for Hotohori to show up. They looked up at me when I entered, and I could practically see the smiles melting from their faces as they realized it was me and not Hotohori-sama. But, that was all right.

“Sirs,” I said slowly, ducking my head a bit in what I hoped would look like a respectful bow. “Kotei Heika is--”

“Nuriko,” one said sternly, rising to his feet and cutting me off midsentence. I glanced up in surprise and a little irritation, but I kept quiet while he talked. Pompous ass... “We realize that your status as a Suzaku shichiseishi grants you access to this room, but please, do knock rather than just coming barging in.”

“Yes, please,” chimed another, also rising to his feet. “It is a common courtesy that...”

I tried to listen. I honestly did, but if this was going to turn into a lecture... “Please,” I cut in, bowing my head a bit in apology. “I apologize for barging in, but it’s very important.”

Ten sets of dark, irritated eyes settled on my face. “I’m sure it may seem important,” one said, speaking to me as if with supreme patience, “but, it really doesn’t take much effort to simply knock.”

“Indeed. I would think your time as a court lady would have taught you the values of good manners--”

“Hotohori-sama is ill,” I said loudly, cutting through their words pretty effectively. “The palace doctor is dead, and no one else can help him.” I lowered my voice, seeing I had their attention, and once again let my head duck into a respectful bow. “I’m going to Taiitsu-kun’s mountain to ask her help, but if I can’t reach her for some reason, I’m going to travel to the mountains to find the healer the townspeople seem to always be talking about. Hotohori-sama’s personal maid is going with me. I just thought you’d like to know.”

For a long moment, there was silence. In fact, it was just a little TOO quiet...

I peered carefully up from my bow, caught a glimpse of ten startled, gawking faces...and then, everything exploded into movement and sound at once.

“Heika-sama is ill--how did this happen? Why weren’t we notified sooner?”

“The palace doctor is dead? What happened?”

“His maid? But, she’s a--”

“--surely can’t expect to travel all the way to Taiitsu-kun’s mountain alone--”

“--don’t see why you can’t simply--”

I thought about staying there, answering all their questions, explaining it to them until they understood, but I didn’t have the time; or the patience. I turned and left the room, closing the door quietly behind me, and hurried back to my chambers to pack.

~*~*~*~
Kou

Packing was a little more difficult than I’d thought it would be. Of course, I had clothes that I could travel in, which would certainly make the ride easier, but it didn’t seem wise to wear them, even if I was going with Nuriko. I dragged a few of my more casual dresses into a small satchel, stuffed a few warm pairs of socks and a variety of hair and makeup accessories into the bag, as well. Hmm...what else, what else... I grabbed a candle from the bureau, plunged it into the bag. In addition, I packed a small pouch of silver, a warm, dark cloak, and what seemed to be an ample supply of bandages and salve. After all, one could never be too careful--the trip might turn dangerous.

Finally finished, I sat back, started to fasten the buttons securely on the bag...and stopped, frowning slightly, as my eyes drifted to that soft blue tunic and pants, staring plaintively out at me from my closet. Of course, I wasn’t going to be wearing it on the trip. I was going to be in my dresses, as a proper lady should, but... Sighing, I rose to my feet, strode to the closet, and tugged the outfit free. It really was beautiful, made of varying shades of soft, royal blue, decorated with slender ribbons of gold that streaked down over the front, slid out over the chest. The pants themselves were oddly feminine despite being designed for a man--a light, satiny pink--and, a length of thick yellow fabric provided a proper belt, intended to be cinched tightly at the waist. I considered leaving it there, pushing away this last remnant of my past and walking out the door with my bag, but I couldn’t. Something tugged at my mind, refusing to be quieted, and so, I grabbed the clothing from the closet, shoved them into my bag, and snapped it closed.

Satisfied and still feeling a little nervous excitement tingling through my veins, I took a few steps towards the door, ended up standing before the mirror, gazing silently at my own reflection. I’d stripped off my decorative serving gown, and now wore, instead, a simple dress of a light, creamy tan, the skirt of which dangling loosely down past my knees, brushing against the skin of my legs in a smooth, satiny caress. The top was very loose, billowing out over my chest, and was cut high, crisscrossing tightly just beneath my throat. I’d taken off the majority of my makeup, but still wore a light touch of pink over my lips, and an artificial blush shaded my cheeks. My hair--long, thick, and black--had been twisted up into a series of braids, most of which were fastened securely against my head, ensuring that my long hair wouldn’t be any kind of obstacle during the trip.

After all, I couldn’t afford to be a burden. I had to be an asset; a help. If I couldn’t help Heika-sama, then I failed as a maid, and I failed as a human being. I would help him. Of that I was sure.



Nuriko was waiting for me at the stables, leaning lightly against the side of a tall, elegant black stallion. The horse itself looked young and eager, shaking its head from side to side, chewing at the air, flicking its tail playfully back and forth while Nuriko stood silently by, seemingly-oblivious to its movements. He’d already packed his things onto the horse’s back, and now stood gazing up into the mottled blue of the late-morning sky, somehow managing to look patient and anxious at the same time. He glanced over at me as I approached, smiled pleasantly--but, there was something dark in his eyes. Something almost hesitant.

“Ready?” he asked simply.

I nodded, trying to contain my enthusiasm as best I could, and strode forward, handed him my bag. After hefting it slightly, as if testing its weight, he lifted it with one slim hand, placed it on the creature’s back and tied it securely in place. He turned back to me then, that indescribable something again present in his eyes. “I forgot to ask you before, but...can you ride?” His tone was almost apologetic. I wondered, suddenly, if he thought I was a burden, if he doubted my ability to contribute to the journey.

I gazed at him levelly, trying not to sound irritated. “Hai, I can ride.” I frowned slightly. “Am I going to get a horse, too, or are we sharing this one?”

He blushed slightly. “Sharing this one, I’m afraid. I tried to get two, but...” The blush deepened. “Gomen. I couldn’t get another.”

I shrugged, feeling some of the anger slip away. I strode forward, latched onto the side of the reigns, and hoisted myself easily up into the saddle. “It’s all right,” I said. The horse jarred slightly beneath me as Nuriko hoisted himself up, settled into the saddle just behind me. “It’ll be easier this way, I guess.” I smiled a bit. “At least this way I won’t have to worry about being left behind somewhere.”

Slim hands reached tentatively around me, latched onto the reigns. “You know,” he commented after a moment, “this might be easier if I sat in front.” A smile twisted at his words. “You’re a little taller than me. Makes it hard to see.”

I smiled. He was so polite, so friendly--but, there was something almost sorrowful in his voice and manner, something that made me wonder about him, made me want to talk to him. But, for now, I had to focus on the task at hand, on finding a way to help Heika. “Hai,” I said. I slid off the side of the horse and came to a solid landing on my feet. Nuriko inched forward, settled more comfortably into the saddle...and, then, I lifted myself back up, found my own comfortable groove in the soft leather.

It was only then that I realized that--unless I wanted to fall off the back of the horse--I was going to have to hold onto him.

I honestly considered jumping down from the horse at that moment, backing out of the trip altogether and letting Nuriko go on his own. He was a shichiseishi, after all, he could handle this on his own. Surely, I didn't need to come. I didn't need to come... But, then, I remember Heika, his face contorted in pain, his voice cracked and broken in anguish, an dI knew that I couldn't stay at the palace. No matter what it might mean, I couldn't stay. Drawing in a deep, preparatory breath, I slid forward in the saddle, moved closer, and wrapped my arms carefully around Nuriko’s waist. It was strange, being so close to him all of a sudden. I could feel him breathing beneath my arms, could feel the gentle rising and falling of his chest, the distant thud of his heartbeat--and, he was warm. Warm and real and solid.

He glanced back me over one shoulder, the movement making the ends of the violet braid tickle against my fingers. “Ready?” he asked.

I nodded, and he tugged on the reigns, dug his heels into the horse’s sides, and began to steer us towards the far-off rise of the palace gate.

Our journey had begun.

~*~*~*~
Nuriko


There was something...not right about this.

I felt her arms around my waist...and, I felt her chest rising and falling against my back as she breathed...but, there was something very important that I did not feel. I considered all the possible explanations...for most of the ride, in fact, I let myself think about it, let myself wonder, ponder, consider...but, I kept coming back to the only logical conclusion. And, if that was true...

I mean, of course, it wouldn’t bother me terribly...but, what possible explanation was there? Why would she do it?

I tried to put the thoughts out of my head, still not completely willing to settle on such an assumption, and guided the horse carefully through another thick patch of wood.

“Be careful,” I said over my shoulder, careful to keep my voice low in case we were not alone. “Keep your head down. Some of the branches--”

THWAP.

It slammed hard into my chest, knocking the breath from my lungs, shoving me backwards...dimly, I heard Kou cry out, struggled to latch onto the reigns before I lost my balance entirely and fell...but, it was too late. I fell to the side and tumbled down onto the rocky ground, landed hard on my back. Stunned and in pain, I glanced up...just in time to see a skirted form tumbling after me, arms thrashing and dresses fluttering.

I was a Suzaku shichiseishi. She was not. If she fell, as I had...if she hit this rocky, tangled ground...

Somehow, I managed to rise up onto my knees, hold out my arms...and catch her. She thudded hard against my arms and chest, pushed me backwards, down onto my back again...but, it was all right. The strength of Suzaku was still within me, flooding through my veins...and, even though there was a bruise on my chest and a thousand cuts on my back and arms...I’d caught her without any trouble. She was light, barely more than a feather touch against my muscles--she was fine...but, gods, that fall had hurt.

I let my muscles relax, closed my eyes and spent a long moment straining to drag the breath back into my lungs.

Her voice cut into my ears after a few moments, lower than I remembered it, more strained--worried, almost. “Nuriko? Nuriko? Please...please, get up...are you there? Nuriko?”

I let out a long, heavy breath, winced and opened my eyes. She was leaning over me, thick, silken strands of dark hair hanging down over her shoulders, and, gods...there were tears in her eyes. She drew in a sharp breath as my eyes opened, sat back and brushed hurriedly at her eyes.

“G...Gomen,” I managed, coughing lightly against the wheezing pain in my lungs. “That was ironic, ne? Really have to learn--” I grunted, somehow managed to pull myself up into a sitting position on the ground. “--to take my own advice.”

Her eyes locked onto mine, dark and pained in the warming light of the early afternoon. “Why did you catch me?” she demanded. “You were hurt...”

I stared at her, startled. Why did she sound so angry? “You might’ve gotten hurt,” I replied a bit lamely. “Besides, I’m all right. Nothing broken, ne?”

She was really, truly angry. She jumped up to her feet, stared down at me with tears in her eyes--tears! What in the name of Suzaku was going on? “Don’t do things like that!” she yelled, waving a fisted hand at me, her voice low, dark...unfamiliar. “If I’m gonna fall, just let me fall! I’m not your responsibility! I can take care of myself!! Okay??”

~*~*~*~
Kou


I was being unfair. I knew it...but, something within me was screaming and I couldn’t stop.

Nuriko was still sitting there on the ground, staring up at me like I’d lost my mind...and, maybe I had. Everything seemed to be falling apart. Heika was sick, maybe dying...I was here, startled and in pain and on the very edge of losing everything I knew...and, I felt so HELPLESS. Maybe that was it most of all. No matter what I did, no matter what I said or how much I wanted to help...I was not a shichiseishi. I wasn’t even very strong or experienced or brave. What could I do? I could tag along, almost get Nuriko killed, be in the way, make things difficult...maybe cost Heika his life. And, if we got to Taiitsu-kun’s mountain, I wouldn’t be able to see it, would I? I seemed to remember hearing about that somewhere, that only seishi could visit her there. So, what was I going to do? Hang around at the bottom until Nuriko got back? Sing a few songs, twiddle my thumbs? Gods, why was I even here??

I turned away from him very suddenly, caught up in what I could only think of rather ironically as a very female burst of emotion. “I’m sorry,” I managed, pressing a hand over my eyes, trying to ignore the lingering warmth of Nuriko’s body against my own. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry. I just...I can’t...I’m sorry.”

He was quiet for a long time...and I couldn’t look at him. He knew. I could feel it. He knew he knew he knew...did he feel it? Was that why? Damn it, I never should’ve ridden with him...he of all people would know, would recognize the signs...arrrgggh...

I suddenly wanted very badly to disappear...or, at least, to never turn around, never look into those soft violet eyes that I knew contained the knowledge no one should ever have learned...

“We need to find the horse,” he said.

I turned back to him in shock, eyes wide. His was still sitting there, gazing calmly at his fingers, his tunic torn in various places, his flesh littered with tiny, slicing cuts from the fall. His hair flooded about his face in waves of tangled violet, bursting free of the careful braid. His eyes were clear and bright, his fingers--long, slender--tapping together, moving in their own soft rhythm. He didn’t look at me...but, I could see the warmth in his eyes...and, the smile bent lightly at his lips.

I could barely find my voice. “I...I grabbed the...the bags,” I managed, pointing to a nearby pile of canvas and cloth. “The horse...”

Nuriko shrugged slightly, drew himself up to his full height and brushed a bit of dirt from his tunic. “It’s all right,” he said. He smiled slightly, lifted his eyes to meet mine. “We’re near enough to Taiitsu-kun’s mountain to walk, anyway.” His eyes narrowed slightly in concern, met mine, drew me in. “Can you manage it? It’s uphill most of the way...”

I nodded, struck by the worry in his voice. He was the one who was injured, not me. “Hai...I can manage.”

He said nothing about the tears...nothing about the anger...nothing about what he must know. He only nodded, turned, and gathered up the bags, tucked them effortlessly beneath one arm. He began to walk, then, starting up the trail, limping only slightly, apparently expecting me to follow him...but, gods. He knew. He knew, and he wasn’t going to say anything. He was going to let me have this secret, let me believe I’d managed to keep it...but, if I’d lost it...if he knew...

Then, how could I pass up the chance to finally have someone who knew, someone who could understand?

“You know,” I blurted, taking a heavy step forward, slamming my boot into the ground. “Don’t you?”

He froze as if he’d been struck. Back still to me, he echoed, very carefully, “Know?”

An irrational burst of fear slid through my veins, made me pause. What if he didn’t know? What if I was jumping to conclusion, making assumptions...but... No. No, I’d come this far.

“Yes,” I said, drawing nearer to him, putting myself beside him...making him look at me. “Yes. You know about...” My cheeks flushed. “About me. You have to know...I mean, gods...I was leaning against you...”

He flinched...but, it seemed more of a flinch for my benefit than his own.

~*~*~*~
Nuriko


So, it was true.

I wasn’t sure before...but, now...how could I deny it? It was strange, it was an odd coincidence, and I didn’t know how it could be possible...but, it was true.

My voice was very soft. “How long have you...done it?”

The dark brown eyes closed. “Almost six years. I have...a reason...”

I smirked slightly...but, nothing was funny. “So do I.” The smile faded. “You don’t have to tell me your reason...if you don’t want to. I’m sure it’s a good one.”

That voice...low, dark...it was very soft. “It is.”


~*~*~*~
Kou


“We should be going,” he said after a long pause. His voice sounded almost normal...almost relaxed. “Taiitsu-kun is frightening enough in the daytime...I wouldn’t want to have to meet her at night.”

I smiled...but, I felt more like crying. Not because he knew...but, because I could feel the life I’d led for so long coming to an end. First Nuriko...who next? For him, it had only taken Suzaku no Miko finding out, and then it had spiraled outwards, destroyed his entire life as the lady Korin. Would it be the same for me? Would Heika-sama find out??

“I won’t tell him,” he told me softly, as if sensing the course of my thoughts. “I won’t tell anyone, if you don’t want me to.”

Something like death rose up within me, settled heavily into my stomach. “No, it’s...it’s all right. They’ll all find out eventually...anyway. Just...let me tell Heika myself. I need to because...because, I...I love him.”

~*~*~*~
Nuriko


Of course.

Kou loved Hotohori-sama. It made so much sense...and it made my heart hurt, just thinking about it. Not because I was jealous. Kou had, perhaps, even less of a chance with him than I did...but, I knew that pain so well... Gods, did I know that pain.

On impulse, I stepped forward, latched onto one of those slim white hands and tugged it into my own, held it tightly. I made sure my eyes locked onto that soft brown gaze, that all attention was on me before I spoke. “Kou,” I said quietly, firmly. “I won’t tell anyone. And, Hotohori-sama...he’ll understand. He understood about me, didn’t he?”

“H...Hai...but...”

“No buts.”

~*~*~*~
Kou


He smiled, those slender fingers still wrapped around my own, and I caught a flicker of mischief in those eyes, a new warmth in his smile. “Ne, but aren’t you tired of those skirts? When Miaka first came to this world, I had to travel in skirts...mattaku, it was horrible! They’re very comfortable...but, not very practical. It’d probably make the journey easier, if you had something to change into...”

He was right, of course. The dress was horribly impractical...and, it hadn’t done much to hide my secrets from him, anyway...so, what was the harm in changing, now? What was the harm in letting myself be the man I’d hidden for so long?

I smiled slightly, stepped forward, and took my bag from his arms. “Give me a minute,” I said softly. “I have something else I can wear.”

~*~*~*~
Nuriko


I’ve seen beautiful men. I’m a beautiful man...Hotohori-sama’s a beautiful man...

And, Kou...Kou was a beautiful man.

Dark, silky black hair...not brown. Black. I’ve never seen that shade before on someone so pale...but, somehow, it suited him. He stood an inch taller than me...very thin, though. Thinner than me...less muscled...but, he looked more like a man than I do...more than I ever did or probably ever will. He reminded me a little of Hotohori, in that respect...but, there was something softer about him, something more feminine. It seemed so obvious now, seeing him standing there, looking pleased but embarrassed in that soft blue tunic, those pale pink pants, hair hanging freely over his shoulders in thin, dangling waves. How could I have missed seeing it before?

How ironic, though. Gods. All that time, thinking I was the only one...thinking I was alone. And, all that time, he was there...wearing the same mask I did, living the same lie I did...loving Hotohori-sama as I did.

Gods.

I shook my head in a startled kind of awe, felt a new warmth slipping over me, drawing me away from the cold. “How did I miss seeing it before?” I whispered.

~*~*~*~
Kou


He said “it,” but I knew what he meant.

He meant me. How did he miss seeing ME.

I shook my head slightly, feeling strangely comfortable in the warm blue tunic, the satiny pink pants. “I don’t know,” I replied quietly. “I never thought there was anyone like me out there...especially not so close by.”

Nuriko looked a little overwhelmed...but, I supposed that was natural. He shook his head again, took a step closer to me. “I guess...I thought the same thing.”

~*~*~*~
Kou

We'd been hiking for almost twenty minutes, and my head was still spinning.

"We should...be there...soon," Nuriko offered, glancing back at me in brief, plaintive apology. He took short, firm steps up the steep forest path, our bags hanging lightly from his slim shoulders, the breath moving in harsh, comforting rhythm from his lips. I was having a much worse time of it, of course, despite the fact that I wasn't wearing the skirts any longer--six years as a palace maid does very little for muscle tone, and even less for physical endurance. I could see, also, that Nuriko seemed to be consciously slowing his steps as we moved, making sure I could keep pace...catering to my needs above his own...above Heika's. I was struck, again, by just how much of a burden I was on this journey, just how useless I was...but, the thought flitted from my mind almost immediately. After all, there were more important things to worry about right now.

Finally, after what seemed like several thousand years of hiking up that same grassy hillside...Nuriko came to a breathless halt, let the bags drop heavily onto the ground at our feet. "There," he managed, pointing a slender finger at a high, craggy peak just in view. "Mount Taikyoku."

I stared at it in silence for a long moment, feeling a thick, suffocating weight sinking into the back of my throat, resisting the urge to sink to my knees, succumb to the tears I'd pushed away for so long. I couldn't see it. The splendor, the beauty, the renowned elegance of Taiitsu-kun's mountain...I couldn't see it. I was not a Suzaku shichiseishi...and so, to me, it would forever be a mound of rock and stone, lifeless and empty...dead as if caught in an eternal winter.

Wondering again why I'd even bothered to come, I let out a soft, shaking breath, leaned heavily against a nearby tree trunk, and pressed a hand to my forehead.

~*~*~*~
Nuriko

It looked like all the strength bled out of his legs, like he just couldn't support himself anymore. I immediately thought the climb had been too hard on him, and so I hurried to his side, put my arm around him as if to hold him up...but, he pushed me away.

"No," he whispered, and I couldn't help but notice that his voice was still high and light, still like the young palace maid he'd been impersonating for so long.

I took a short step away from him, tried to see his face...but, it was buried beneath his hands, those slim hands that reminded me so much of my own. They were soft, pale--ladies' hands. Gods. We were so alike, weren't we? I'd thought of it before, of course, while we were hiking...but, it had never really struck me, this realization, until just now, until I stood here and looked at his hands. He knew, as no other person could, just what *I* had gone through all these years. He knew the pain of masquerading as something other than yourself, the pain of being distant from everything and everyone for fear of discovery...and he knew, also, the pain of loving someone so deeply...but knowing that it could never be. A mist of tears sprang to my eyes almost before I realized they were coming, and I had to reach up a hand, brush them away...but, it was too late. Kou saw them.

~*~*~*~
Kou

He was...crying.

At first, I was sure it was some kind of mistake. He'd gotten a piece of dust in his eye, or it was some strange trick of the lighting, or...but, no. Nuriko was...crying. For a long moment I just stood there, unsure of what to do or what to say, knowing only that Nuriko was crying and I wasn't any use to anyone and I just wanted to curl up and die. And, then, I came to my senses, reached feebly into one of my pockets, and pulled out a soft blue hankerchief.

"Here," I said, dumbly, holding it out to him like a proud child to its mother. I wished almost immediately that I hadn't bothered, that I'd let this poor man have his one moment of grief without me bothering him, intruding on his tears...but, much to my surprise, he blinked at me in surprise, stretched out a slim hand, and took the cloth from my fingers. He didn't use it, not at first...but just stood there with it dangling from his fingers, staring at it with an odd, gentle smile bending at his lips.

~*~*~*~
Nuriko

I knew this handkerchief.

I stared at it for a long moment, smiling softly, remembering the day I'd seen it last...remembering the day I'd felt that first, irrational burst of happiness as the warmth of another hand touched against mine.

----

"Nuriko...I just wanted to apologize for..." The soft amber eyes slid closed, and as I watched, those slim, imperial fingers clasped together, rested lightly against the warm red of the young emperor's robes. "I wanted to apologize for taking my anger out on you earlier. It was...uncalled for. I was upset to find Miaka had gone to Kutou on her own, and I...I took it out on you. I...apologize."

I blinked, suddenly disbelieving. Hotohori-sama was...apologizing...to me? "Iie, daijobu," I offered immediately, letting a warm smile twist at my lips. "That is...I understood why you were upset, Hotohori-sama. It's all right."

He stared at me in surprise for a long moment, the gold of his eyes narrowed and almost suspicious...and then, he let out a heavy sigh, took a few steps back, and sank down into the depths of his chair. Letting one elbow thud against the cushioned surface of the armrest, he brought a hand to his forehead, pressed his face into the palm and closed his eyes. "No," he murmured, and I was startled to hear a real tremor of anguish in his voice, see a real trickle of grief slide through his fingers. Hotohori-sama was...crying!?

"No," he continued in a broken whisper. "It's not all right. Miaka is gone...and no matter how much I wish it...I am not there with her. I can't protect her, Nuriko. I can't protect her, no matter how much I love her...I can't. Gods be damned, why must I be emperor?"

I've seen men cry before. After Korin's death, before my father turned into the cold, hard shell of a man I came to know...he spent several hours just holding Rokou and me, sobbing and weeping and mourning...grieving. He was out of control, then, like a child dressed in mens' clothing, and at that moment, for the first time in my entire life, I felt as if my father was a part of me...as if he was someone I could love, someone who could make the hurt go away...simply because he was feeling it so plainly and perfectly himself. But, he didn't stay as he was. When the tears dried, they dried for good, and the next time I saw him...he told me to forget about Korin, to move on with my life...and again, I was alone.

But, Hotohori-sama...he was crying, now, in front of me, and suddenly, I loved him more than I ever had before. I looked at him and saw the same perfection I always saw, the same beautiful young emperor I always noticed...but, now, he was realer, truer...and more beautiful than ever. Not because of the tears, not because of the grief that made him so human...but because he cared for me enough to shed them here, cared enough to let me see him in pain, in grief...to let me see him as the vulnerable boy he hid so well beneath the mask of imperial authority.

And, so, I did the only thing I could. I stepped forward, moved to his side, and put my hand on his shoulder. He was sitting slouched in the chair, weeping softly into his palm, hiding his eyes from the world, from me...but, at the touch of my hand, he sat up straighter, inhaled a sharp breath as if he'd somehow forgotten I stood there, a silent observer to his pain.

"N-Nuriko," he stuttered, staring out at me with wide, tear-flooded eyes. "I-I'm...sorry. I didn't intend to..."

But, I shook my head, knelt down beside him and smiled. "Shh...daijobu, Hotohori-sama. I told you...I understand. Here." I stretched down my free hand, tugged a soft blue handkerchief from a pocket and held it out to him. "Take this."

Fingers trembling just slightly, Hotohori took the cloth from my fingers, held it briefly as if unsure of what to do with it. "It was my sister's," I offered, still smiling gently, surprised I could even find the will to speak while I stood so close to this god come to life, this chestnut-haired, amber-eyed apparition of heaven... I felt weak just looking at him.

Hotohori-sama smiled, very softly, and dabbed lightly at his eyes with the handkerchief, brushed away the last of the tears. He looked like he was about to apologize, then, but I reached up, grabbed onto his hand and held onto it tightly.

"No," I said. I was surprised to hear how serious I sounded...how solemn. How unlike me, I thought...but, somehow, it was me. It was me.

"No," I repeated quietly. "Don't apologize, Hotohori-sama. Not for this." I offered a soft, sorrowful smile. "We all need to do that sometimes...ne?"

He stared at me for a long time before he nodded...and by then, I could lift my hand, because the warmth of his fingers was already forever burned into my skin.

---

"Did he...give this to you?" I asked softly, that odd smile still bending at my lips. I wondered what Kou must be thinking about me now...if he was wondering why I was crying, why something should matter to me so much... His eyes were dark and solemn, giving away nothing. I suddenly wished I could ask him what he was thinking about...but he answered before I had the chance.

~*~*~*~
Kou

I blinked. How could he know that? "H...Hai," I answered, sounding as surprised as I felt. "But..."

"Ah-ah-HEM!"

Startled, I snapped my head around toward the noise, struggled vainly to get some grasp on my emotions...and found myself rather abruptly face to face with what had to be the most hideous, ugly creature I'd ever had the poor fortune to see.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" I yelped, springing back a step and--unfortunately--crashing right into Nuriko.

~*~*~*~
Nuriko

One minute we were standing there, sharing what I thought was a nice, tender moment...and suddenly, SHE was there, clearing her throat and looking both irritated and amused at the same moment. Before I could say anything, though, Kou let out an ear-piercing shriek and--as I would've expected after coming face-to-face with someone so hideous--leaped back and--much to my surprise--directly into my arms. I caught him more out of reaction than anything else, but once I had...I was suddenly very aware of the soft fragrance of his hair, the warmth of his skin...the strange, alluring beauty he seemed to carry with him. He was no Hotohori-sama...but, for some reason, as I held him, he suddenly seemed realer to me...different. He was still Kou, still the person I'd half-carried up the side of this damned mountain to get to Taiitsu-kun..but, somehow, something was different now.

He was warm in my arms...and for some reason, irrationally...I didn't want to let go.

Taiitsu-kun, however, had other ideas.

She cleared her throat again, impatiently, and rocketed forward, was soon hovering just in front of Kou and me, her eyes narrowed and irritated. "Nuriko. You have traveled long and journeyed far...do get up off the ground."

~*~*~*~
Kou

It was strange...but I suddenly didn't want to be out of his arms. It was a strange sensation, being held by Nuriko. He was so thin, and his arms...they were slim, bony...delicate. And yet, he was holding me so strongly, making me feel like I was safe...like everything was somehow going to be all right. I didn't want him to let go...

Maybe it was right then that I realized I was falling in love with him.

---